Forgive Me (4 page)

“No,” he says calmly, as if I am not on the verge of a breakdown. “Not in the back of a truck.” His eyes are pacific. Gray: the color between black and white. They don’t belong in his body.

“Come here.”

“No,” I say, and watch the rain assault the truck window. Jason reaches across the seat and pulls me on top of him. My arm burns from him yanking on it as I lean back onto the steering wheel.
What the hell am I doing here?
The rain turns to hail and its bullets hit the roof of the truck. I look at the ceiling then back at Jason. He’s waiting for me, but not for me to say something, or do something. He’s waiting for me to be okay.
How long will you wait?
The thought of it makes me smile slightly and at the sight of it, he pulls me close and kisses me again.

“I’m not going to have sex with you in the McDonalds parking lot.” Jason completely ignores me as he kisses me again and I forget what I was talking about. I forget to be mad; mad at him, and my parents, and God, and every other person in this world. I swing my leg over him and he pulls me close as I straddle him in the driver’s seat. My arms are clenched around his neck and my lips hurt from the force of his, and I forget I’m in a parking lot.

I forget it all.

The yard is empty. All the mourners have returned to their normal lives. As Jason pulls into the driveway, I realize my normal life has no mom and no dad in it. The house looks dark except for the light my mother always leaves on in the living room window. It’s been forsaken. Like me. I take a deep breath.

“Thanks for the ride,” I say. It’s an absurd statement. It’s an absurd life. Jason gets out of the car. I follow him out and meet him at the front of the truck. “Can you come in?” I didn’t think it was a possibility until I said it and now that I have, I desperately need him to say yes.

“Where else would I go?” he asks, and I almost cry with gratitude. I put the code in the garage door and lead the way into my parents’ kitchen. The smell of flowers, which will now be forever connected to death, slaps me in the face when I enter the room. They are littering the counters across the entire long wall. Containers of food and wrapped desserts are on the table and the ice bucket is lying upside down drying next to drinks stacked alongside it.

The party is over.

I walk into the family room and take off my shoes and turn on the lights. When I return to the kitchen Jason is reading a note and holding my cell phone.

“Margo cleaned up. She’s worried about you. You forgot your phone when you left with me,” he says, as he reads the note. Why is this okay? Any other guy, at any other time, I would have something to say about him just reading a note obviously written to me. I take the note out of his hand and read it for myself. It says exactly what he said it did. “You should call your brother, too.”

Instead of calling, I text Sean that I’m home, exhausted, and going to bed. I peer at Jason over the phone as I type my plan and he is quietly staring back. Sean immediately texts back his relief and an offer to come get me if I want to sleep at his house tonight. The fact that he didn’t call means he’s just as exhausted. I’ll be fine, is all I respond. Margo will not be so easy.

I text her and within seconds my phone rings.

“Where the hell have you been? I’ve been worried sick,” she says, before I have a chance to say hello.

“I was at Stoners and McDonalds.” Jason’s wicked little laugh comes from the family room.

“The whole time with Jason Leer?” She’s accusing me of something.

“Yes. He’s here now.”

“What?” She spews, not used to being unclear on my actions or whereabouts. “Do you want me to come over there?”

“No.” At this Jason looks up, interested in what I am denying. For some reason I acquiesce him. “I’m safe with him.” With that I watch Jason walk to the bathroom and turn on the shower. With the bathroom door wide open, he undresses and looks in the cabinets for a towel, naked. He takes one from the linen closet and glances back at me, a naughty grin spreading across his face, before stepping into the shower. I start to sweat.

“Margo, I gotta go. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Her voice is full of concern and I know she’s probably already in her car on her way over here. Without Jason taking me, she never would have left. All of them, Sean, Margo, Jenn, Noble, Sam, Julia, Violet, and Sydney—my remaining family, would still be here. They’ll keep me alive, but who will save me from being dead inside?

“I’m not okay, but I promise, I’ll make it through tonight. Thanks for everything.” I pause, not knowing what else to say.
No one knows what to say
. I never thought the day would come I didn’t know what to say to Margo. The bags of rolls on the counter catch my eye. “I’ll call you in the morning and we’ll have lunch together. I have tons of food here. Tell Jenn and Noble and everyone else, too.”

“We’ll be there at twelve. Call me before then if you need anything. Do you hear me?”

“Yes. I love you.”

“I love you too, Charlotte. Try and get some sleep.”

I’ll try.

I take off my dress in the kitchen and throw it in the trash before walking to the bathroom and joining Jason Leer in the shower.

A
nd so it goes. The days are blurs of Sean, Jenn, and Margo helping me with the administration of my life. There’s a will, a house, cars, belongings. Too much to comprehend. And my nights are Jason Leer.

He comes when the others leave; always here within minutes of loneliness setting in. He saves me from my thoughts and my memories. Two days ago I showed him the key under the turtle rock and now he no longer knocks. Knocking would imply asking permission to come in and he’s already here.

Something’s different about tonight, though. Sean and Michelle brought dinner over and drove Dad’s tractor back to their house. They left an hour ago, later than expected, and he’s still not here. I haven’t slept without him since the funeral and now that he’s absent, the depth to which I need him scares me.

I look in the mirror as I brush my teeth and my face is distraught. I refuse to let myself consider why. Too afraid it has more to do with Jason’s absence than with my parents. That’s impossible, though. Did he say he had something to do tonight? Did he say anything? Do we ever say anything? I thought I understood. Until tonight. Now that he’s not here the last week no longer makes sense.

I button the last button on my favorite nightshirt and climb into bed. It’s enormous and cold without him. The silent darkness allows the memories to seep in. The moonlight invades my room and everything is gray and sad.
Why?

Why did you die?

Why aren’t you here?

Where the hell is Jason Leer?

Tears fill my eyes, and I roll onto my stomach and bury my face in my pillow. I can’t be without them. They have to come back. I hear the truck tires on the gravel of my driveway and hurry out of bed. His truck door moans as he closes it and I go to the back door to meet him. I open it just as he’s fitting the key into the lock.

His smile fades as the look on my face registers. He steps to me and wipes the tears from my face, which makes me cry a little more.

“I’m sorry I’m late,” he whispers, so as to not disturb the quiet that’s descended on the house. He smells of cigarettes and dirt. Actual dirt. And I’m so thankful he’s here.

“I was worried.”

“Worried I wasn’t coming?” Jason moves closer to me and I lose my breath as he pins me up against the wall. I nod my head slowly, my eyes never leaving his.

“I came as soon as the rodeo ended.”

“The rodeo.”

“Did you forget the rodeo?”

“No. I know the rodeo is on Saturday.” Jason’s face turns to confusion. “I didn’t know today is Saturday,” I say, and my complete disconnection from the living makes me start to cry again. If my parents were alive, I would know what fucking day it is.

Jason pulls me close to him and kisses the side of my head as he runs his fingers through my hair.

“I need a shower,” he says, but I can’t be concerned with what he needs.

“I need you.”

I lay my soul bare; Jason’s, to do with what he wants because I can’t seem to care about it anymore. He forces me back to the wall and presses his body against mine until I can feel him. Until I can feel something.

Jason’s kisses weaken my stance. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull his hair as I devour him. He reaches down and rips open my night shirt, flinging buttons across the room. I hear them hit the walls before scattering across the floor. His hands cup both breasts and his fingers squeeze my nipples until I bite his lip for him to stop.

He relents, and licks his sore lip. Jason lifts me up and carries me to the bathroom, kissing me the entire time. He turns on the shower and sits me on the counter. I unbutton his belt buckle and his jeans, and tear off his shirt as I smile evilly at him. It’s about time someone else’s clothes are ruined. He laughs, already knowing what I’m thinking.

I watch as Jason takes off the rest of his clothes and I wonder how I got here. How I got here each of the last seven days. The answer slips through my grasp as he spreads my legs wide and enters me. My head falls back as the deep breath replaces my lost thoughts. There is nothing gentle about Jason Leer. He pulls out and grabs my hair at the nape of my neck, tilting my head toward him.

“I want you to watch,” he says, and my heart races. He loosens his grip and tilts my head down as he comes into me again. I’ve never seen anything like it, and it’s making me sweat. Sex with Brian was a moment spent on the seesaw, and this—this is—I swallow hard and look up to see Jason watching me. His eyes never leave me, and his body never stops. He’s not sad, or happy as he continues to take me. He possesses me. He is dangerous and I should run from him, from this, but I look down again and watch as he comes in and out, and in and out, and I am lost. I watch as a chill rises up inside of me and I feel it spreading throughout my body as my core takes over and—I lose it and come without ever taking my eyes off Jason Leer inside of me.

He pulls my thighs with every thrust and I lean back on the counter to avoid falling over completely. I look up just in time to see his face contort as he comes in me for the last time and then he slows.

He stands still and ponders me.

“I like it when you watch,” he says, but it’s like he is talking to someone else. I’m floating above us with his dick still in me. “I thought about having you naked all day.” I blush at his words. I didn’t even have enough thoughts to figure out it’s Saturday. “Annie, you’re going to be okay.” I hop off the counter and start to walk away. Jason grabs my wrist in his death grip and I look at the cuff before meeting his eyes. “Do you believe me?”

“I want to,” is all I say as I walk out of the bathroom and into my bedroom.

I sit up and a pain jabs from my neck down between my shoulders. I roll my head as I pinch the muscle on both sides. The kink will take days to come out. It’s from attempting to sleep on the concrete wall that is Jason Leer’s chest. He is painful. But the thought of sleeping without him sends a chill down my spine. Watching him sleep, his black hair circling his face, makes him seem so gentle and calm. He looks sweet in his sleep, but Jason’s not sweet. He’s some force between good and evil that whisks me away from everything I’m afraid of.

We should be talking more, though. We exist in silence. No one has sex this often without speaking. I’m not sure what has to be said, but I think everyone else is talking about something. The world is communicating. Jason rolls onto his side. He reaches out and grabs my hip. Without opening his eyes he slides his hand up my side until he comes to my breast and there he rests his hand as he smiles. My stomach flips and I cannot help but smile, too. This cowboy is doing something to me. Jason’s eyes open and rise to me, his hand never leaving my breast.

“What’s your favorite color?” I ask.

Jason seems frustrated, or amused. For Jason, the two emotions might be the same.

“You’ve known my favorite color since we first learned the names of the colors,” he says, sitting up.

“Red? Is it red?”

“Are you thinking, Annie?”

“Thinking about what?”

“Thinking in general. Trying to figure this out? Trying to make sense of everything. It’s probably the reason we’ve never been together before last week. The entire world doesn’t have to make perfect sense.”

Fuck. You.

I take a deep breath. Why does he piss me off so much?

“I can tell by your anger I’m right,” he says, and pulls me onto his lap. He throws one leg over the side of his body and I’m pretty sure he could hog-tie me if he wanted to. “My favorite color is red.”

“Do you think you’re falling in love with me?” I ask, afraid of the answer.

“Definitely not.”

“What are you doing with me then?” I need to know, but panic seizes me. I need him so much.

“Surviving.” I look down at his chest. My hands find his nipples and with both between my fingers I consider pulling until he yelps.

“I don’t understand,” I say, barely above a whisper.

“Falling in love with you does not begin to describe what’s going on.” Jason tilts my chin up so I’m forced to see his gray eyes. “I felt like I was walking around dead from the day my mom died until I drove you to Stoners Lane.” He pauses and I remember how he stole me. “You are the only thing I need. The only thing I want. And you consume me every minute of every day. With you, I am alive. Without you, I am not,” he says, and the weight of his words crushes me. “‘I love you’ just doesn’t properly convey that.”

“Oh,” I say.

“Stop thinking. Give your mind a break and just be with me.” I slide closer to him and kiss him. By the time he bends me backward onto the bed I forget what we were even talking about.