Forget Me Not (15 page)

“
Did you date
her?”

“
In high school, we tried.
It wasn’t good. Her dad left when she was young and her mom hates
all men. Combined with my own shit, we were dysfunctional from the
start.”

“
Was it a long
relationship?”

“
The relationship wasn’t.
We still hook up every so often. It’s easier being friends and
messing around. Alana embraces sex, because she grew up figuring
she was already marked a slut anyway. She says she may as well
enjoy it.”

I think of my own night with her. Part
of me feels guilty, as if I objectified her just like everyone else
has, but then I remember the way that she kissed me. Alana doesn’t
let anyone objectify her.

“
Do you think you’ll ever
get back together? Try to make it work?”

“
I love her, because she’s
my best friend. We have sex, because, well, we’re horny. But we
have no delusions that we will ever be more than we are right now –
and we’re both satisfied with that.”

We reach the cafeteria before I can
ask him more about Alana. Their situation is foreign to me. Derek
had been the only guy I had ever been with, and I spent most of
high school dreaming about him. The idea of casual sex, of having a
friend you fuck but don’t have a relationship with, is entirely
new. I’m still trying to make sense of Jack, but I realize that
most likely whatever we have is nothing new to him. It bothers me,
but rather than get upset about it, I remind myself that he trusted
me with his story. That’s got to mean something.

In the cafeteria, I get a look from
the people I normally sit with when I join Jack instead. It’s
curiosity, not distaste, but he doesn’t seem like he’s ready to
meet my friends. I shrug and follow Jack to a table in the back. I
don’t remember ever seeing him in the cafeteria before, although he
is so antisocial that perhaps I just never noticed. No one comes to
sit with us and Jack picks at his food. I feel nervous eating, as
if I’m upsetting him by being comfortable doing so. It dawns on me
that this entire dinner invitation was about me; this is Jack
attempting to be something he isn’t. All for my sake.

“
Do you wanna get out of
here? Let’s go somewhere else to eat,” I suggest.

The relief washes over his face.
“Anywhere in particular?”

I smile. “Wherever you
want.”

We end up at the cafe where he works.
Despite everything I have seen of Jack, here he seems comfortable.
Everyone is happy to see him and friendly to us both. He grew up
not far from here; it turns out he worked here in high school as
well. It was far enough away that no one instantly recognized him
as the son of the killer. Because of that, it was one more haven
for him and played a role in convincing him to go to school
here.

It’s weird that I was here with Derek
not that long ago. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when I became
a different person, but even when I think about how to reply to his
email, I don’t know how to answer him. It’s only been a few days –
a month technically if we are talking about our time apart
physically – and yet a chasm has opened between Derek and me. It’s
heartbreaking, because he truly was the reason I believed in love.
I just don’t know if I believe in it anymore. Maybe the problem is
that I just don’t believe in it with him.

Jack orders sandwiches for both of us
and we spend the entire meal not saying much. It’s not an awkward
silence, though; it only becomes awkward when we head back outside.
He takes out a cigarette, offering me one as well. I take it, but I
don’t really like the taste, so I mostly just hold it while he
smokes.

We still haven’t made any decisions
about where we are taking this, but I know Jack is trying to be
what I need. The question is whether or not I can be what he needs.
I watch him smoke and think about everything I know about him. The
sex is fantastic, but as Kristen said, it isn’t everything. The
little that I know about Jack’s personality is confusing.
Sometimes, he’s mocking and cruel; at other times, like now, he’s
sweet and vulnerable. His story helps me understand the shifts in
mood, but it still doesn’t help me face them.

“
I’m glad you came out
with me tonight,” he says.

“
Me too.”

“
So what now?”

I don’t know what my answer is to
that. Without saying it, he’s asking if I’ll be going back to his
room with him, which means one thing. Again, half of me is ready to
hop on his bike and take this elsewhere; the other half is still
yearning to get far, far away. Since I can’t come up with an
answer, I decide to prolong this conversation while I
think.

“
Why’d you choose to live
on campus?” I ask. “I mean, your house isn’t that far from
school.”

“
Like I said, all I wanted
was to get away. Sure, college isn’t total freedom, but most people
here don’t know anything about me. I live nearby, but everyone in
the dorms comes from all over and they haven’t heard the sordid
gossip about my life.”

“
Has it
helped?”

“
Helped with
what?”

“
With escape.”

“
Yes and no,” he admits.
“On campus, I have school, the band, and even a few friends. I
still have to try not to get close to them, though, because I know
what will happen if they find out. So, it’s escape, but I always
need to be on guard.”

“
I found out – and I’m
still here. I’m sure most people would give you a
chance.”

“
Percentages seem to
dictate otherwise.”

I feel sad for him, for what he’s been
through, for the way he’s been treated. I know he doesn’t want my
pity, but I can’t help it. It’s just so much to put on someone so
young.

“
There will always be
people like Dave and Alana,” I say.

“
And you?” It’s a question
rather than a statement, because Jack is still hoping for
something. I don’t know what it is, since he made it clear that
it’s not a relationship. I don’t think he’s only interested in sex,
though, because he wouldn’t waste his time like this.

Again, I change the subject. I seem to
do that a lot. “You must be pretty smart. I mean, it’s not like
everyone gets accepted.”

He smiles. “I’m brilliant, or so they
tell me.”

“
Really?”

“
Surprised? Someone like
me?”

“
No. It’s just… You never
talk about school.”

“
No, not really. I don’t
actually think I’m brilliant, but I’ve done well in school. Well
enough that it got me a scholarship and a way out. Never
underestimate the value of homework,” I guess.

I can’t help but laugh. Our worlds are
vastly different, but in this way, we are exactly the same. College
wasn’t a way out for me, but it was something I worked hard to
achieve. Of course, if I don’t get my shit together, that’s not
going to last forever. I keep having to remind myself that we are
in the midst of midterms.

“
I need to do more of
that,” I admit.

“
Homework?”

“
Yeah. I seem to be
dedicating myself more to the … extracurricular side of
college.”

His eyes flash, excited and flirty.
“I’d be happy to help you with both.” He moves toward me and runs
his hand over my cheek. “Maybe we could even head back now. For a
study session.”

“
Somehow, I don’t think
we’ll do much studying,” I say. A sudden jealousy bursts in me. It
was a study session that ruined things with Derek. That reminds me
that I still have to respond to his email. I’m having a hard time
focusing, though, because Jack’s hands are moving down my back and
he pulls me against him hard.

“
There’s no one in my
room. Think of the privacy.” I feel him hard against my thigh and I
want to give in, but now that I know that Derek thinks that we’re
still okay and now that I have Jack’s issues to deal with, my body
has to stop. I can’t let sex be everything.

“
How’d you get a single
anyway?” I ask him, backing up and breaking his hold on me. He
sighs, frustration flashing across his face, and lights another
cigarette.

“
The university doesn’t
want the legal obligation of explaining to some kid’s parents that
they paired him with a convict’s kid. I didn’t really want a
roommate anyway and I requested a single. Turns out it works well
for everyone.”

“
Does it get
lonely?”

“
Not having a
roommate?”

“
Yeah,” I say, thinking of
Kristen. I feel like she was crucial to getting me through the
homesickness and sadness that filled my days at the beginning of
the semester. Although maybe Jack didn’t have anything to
miss.

“
I don’t play well with
others, Lily. I thought you got that.”

“
You certainly play well
with me.” The words are out before I can stop them. He throws his
cigarette to the ground and grabs me. I was supposed to stop
flirting, to make this platonic, but something about him makes me
do stupid things.

“
You’re gonna spend the
night, right?” I want to say yes, to let him have me right here in
this parking lot, but there are too many questions.

“
I don’t know,” I admit.
“What are we, Jack?”

“
I don’t know. Do we have
to decide now?”

“
I have a lot of things to
think about. Believe it or not, I have my own complicated issues,”
I say, thinking of Derek and his email. “It would help if I knew
where we stand.”

“
What do you want this to
be?”

“
I’m not sure.”

“
So why isn’t that enough?
Let’s just see. This isn’t the kind of thing I do, you
know.”

“
I know. That worries me.
You said Alana was your best friend, but you couldn’t date her. Are
you going to give up on me, too? I’m not the kind of
girl-”

“
Oh, right. Now we’re back
to being innocent.” He is suddenly seething and his anger freaks me
out. I was open to taking a chance on him, but I remember why I was
nervous in the first place now. I definitely don’t have the ability
to be with someone like Jack.

“
I’m gonna call a cab,” I
tell him.

He watches me as I start to walk back
to the cafe. This is unhealthy, I realize. Neither of us knows what
we want and we keep going back and forth with each other. It isn’t
fair and it isn’t going to end well. I should’ve known that Jack
was part of something too alien for me.

“
Lily,” he calls. I turn
around and he’s standing by his bike, looking repentant. I should
keep going to the cafe and call that cab, but I don’t. I walk back
to where he is.

“
Start talking,” I
say.

“
Look, princess, I’m
sorry. But I thought we were clear. I’m trying to be better with
you, but I’m not boyfriend material. Why does it matter? You
certainly didn’t care that we weren’t in a relationship for the
last four days when you let me fuck you nonstop.”

“
No, but the last four
days were something else. They were temporary.”

“
I don’t do permanent,
Lily.”

“
Maybe I’m not even ready
for permanent, Jack.”

“
So what’s the
problem?”

“
I’d just like to know I
was worth it to you.”

He laughs; it’s a bitter
laugh and he shakes his head. “Worth it to
me?
Who am I to judge your worth?
You know what I am. I’m a fucking loser. I’ll never be anything
else. I manage to get good enough grades to do well in school, but
it won’t matter. My name is shit. I’ll always be the bad kid, the
kid with the fucked up past, the kid with the dead drug addict mom
and the murderer dad. I’m the definition of worthless, Lily. Don’t
look to me to declare your worth. I have no idea what it means to
be worth it.”

“
You’re not worthless,” I
tell him.

“
Yeah? Tell that to my
dead mom who cared so little about me that she preferred being high
to being a mother. Tell that to my dad. I was so worthless to him
that he didn’t even consider me. It was bad enough losing my mom,
but I lost my dad, too.”

“
You can still fix things
with your dad,” I suggest.

“
No. I can’t. And I don’t
want to. My grandma gets upset that I don’t make an effort with
him, but Lily, I don’t want this life. I don’t want to be the kid
who has to accept this shit.”

“
I know.”

“
You don’t know,” he
replies.

“
You’re right. I don’t.
But that still means nothing about your worth. I think you’re worth
something.”

“
If I could be the kind of
guy that gets to be with a girl like you, I would be. I would give
everything to be that kind of guy. However, it isn’t reality,
princess.
This
is
reality. I’m a piece of shit screw up who can fuck you like no one
else can – and I have to be happy that you’ll even let me do that.
That’s the best I can hope for; sooner or later, you’ll realize
it.”

The pain in his voice shatters me. I
reach out and run my fingers along Jack’s arm. He holds his breath
and I move closer. This time, he doesn’t react when I kiss him. His
lips part slightly and I can feel his anxiety in his shoulders.
It’s a quick kiss, but it’s a step.