Forget About Midnight (20 page)

I didn’t feel like I should have to explain myself to them. But they both stood there waiting for it. My hand shook on the car door handle. I felt defensive, like I wanted to tell them both to go to hell. Instead I tried to see it from their point of view and failed.

“I’ve been trying to come to terms with the fact that I died and the person who killed me took immense joy in it. If that doesn’t qualify me for a little insanity, then I don’t know what does. You don’t have to like my choices. You can hate that I ran to the one person I felt safe with. But don’t you dare judge me. Neither of you have the right.”

Arys looked absolutely tragic, like I’d reached into his chest and grabbed hold of his heart. A muscle in his jaw twitched, one of his few tells. On the outside he was composed, but emotion ripped him up inside.

“Lex, don’t you think this is killing him too?” Shaz gestured to Arys. “You two need to talk. We all do. You can’t keep running from us.”

There had once been a time when I never would’ve believed that Shaz would come to Arys’s defense, especially against me. It should have been a good thing. My death had united them the way nothing else could have. I should be happy. But I felt like the dynamic between us had shifted, making me the odd one out.

“Guys, I think you need to back off Alexa a little.” To my surprise, Jenner came to my defense. “It’s only been a week. Chill out.”

“Exactly,” Arys said through clenched teeth. “Only a week, and we’re both losing our fucking minds. Bodies are dropping. The Feds are watching us, and Juliet fucking O’Brien has gotten herself locked up. There’s no time to chill out.”

I touched Jenner’s arm, a brief touch to show that I appreciated the gesture. “I’m not having this conversation here.”

Running out on them might not have been the best choice, but I was quickly becoming overwhelmed. Shaz had no intention of letting me do that. He did grab hold of me then, and with fangs bared, a growl rumbled in his throat.

“I’m not letting you walk away. I get that you’re suffering right now, but you’re not the only one. You don’t get to shut us out and make this all about you. We’re affected by this too, Lex.” Shaz held tight to my arm. The Alpha wolf in him stared out at me through his jade eyes, an unspoken dare.

“Let me go,” I snapped. Then trying again in a softer tone, I added, “Please.”

“No.” Shaz shook his blond head and tightened his hold. “I’m not letting you shut us out anymore. Talk to us, Alexa.”

His persistence was both surprising and annoying. The wolf in me was impressed with his forcefulness, but the vampire side of me recoiled. Having someone put his hands on me against my will brought forth my sense of self-preservation. If Shaz didn’t let up, I was going to hurt him.

So I tried again, speaking slowly, fighting to quench the anger lighting my emotions on fire. “Shaz, please. Let go. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Hurt me?” He laughed, a sound filled with pain and rage. “I’ve been hurting since the night you ran from us, straight into Kale’s bed. How much worse can it get?”

The next growl came from me. I understood that he was upset, but he was going too far too soon. “Who the fuck are you to talk to me about running to someone else’s bed seeking false comfort?” I demanded, satisfied when he flinched. “You don’t get to judge me for mistakes that you’ve made.”

Shaz’s emotions drove his wolf. The hand gripping me sprouted claws that dug into my skin. “My mistakes don’t include slaughtering innocent people just for kicks. This isn’t who you are. Do you really expect me to stand by and watch you destroy yourself?”

Blood ran down my arm. Shaz didn’t seem to notice he was hurting me until both vampires edged closer, drawn by the aroma. Then he released me, but he didn’t back out of my personal space.

“No, I don’t. I expect you to move on with your life. Forget about me. I’m not your burden to bear.”

“Alexa,” Arys said, a warning in his tone.

“Don’t start with me, Arys.” I threw a venomous glare his way. “What you and Jenner have been up to isn’t so different from what Kale and I have been doing. Is it?”

They had been killing too, getting their kicks while bleeding strippers and federal agents. I was just like Arys now, existing night to night with a hunger for pain and destruction. I wanted to blame him, but I had chosen this.

“You’re still a wolf,” Arys spoke softer, as if trying to rein in his own temper. “Shaz is still part of you, as is the light. We will never know how it feels to have both fighting to rule your mind and your heart, but please, give us a chance here. We love you.”

“You love misery.”

“Goddammit, Alexa!” In a sudden burst of wolf fury, Shaz grabbed me by the shoulders and slammed me against the Charger. He shook me hard. “There has to be some part of you that’s still in there. The real you. I’m not leaving until I see it.”

There was no thought, no rational response, no calculated reaction. There was only instinct, and my instinct was to fight back when someone backed me into a corner. With a surge of power-driven anger, I threw him off me with greater force than I’d anticipated. He hit the ground and skidded several feet across the pavement. Immediately I smelled blood. Strong, rich, potent werewolf blood.

I was on him in a flash. Straddling Shaz, I went for his throat. Arys and Jenner both moved to grab me, but Shaz flung up a hand to ward them off.

“Don’t,” he shouted. “Just leave her.” To me, he said, “Go ahead then. If you can bring yourself to kill me, then just do it. I don’t want to live in a world where I have to fear you anyway.”

His words were meant to penetrate the shadows clouding my mind, and they did. Peering into his wide wolf eyes, I could see myself reflected in their depths. Blue-eyed with vampire fangs bared, I didn’t look much like the me I’d once been. Shaz was desperate to know if the woman he loved was still in here, and I couldn’t hold that against him. Still, it only furthered my belief that he was better off without me. He didn’t deserve this shit.

As we stared into one another, something shifted inside me. I was brought back to a time when the wolf was all I knew. I saw it there, reflected in Shaz. And I missed those days with a desperation that forced a cry from me. We could never go back to that.

Hurting Shaz was not what I wanted, but I knew I already had. I’d cut him deep down in a place beyond physical repair. My death had hurt him. I couldn’t let my undead existence torment him further. I would always love him, but I would never be what he needed.

He reached to touch my face. The warmth of his hand snapped me out of the melancholy spell I was under. I threw myself off him with a strangled groan, and all but hurled myself at the car. Before anyone could stop me, I closed the door and turned the key.

The squeal of tires announced my escape. I couldn’t stand to look into those green eyes for another moment. In them I saw everything I would never be.

I didn’t know who I was anymore. It seemed to change from moment to moment. Becoming a vampire had turned me into something I hated, as I’d known it would. I had feared this, but my fear hadn’t saved me. I was starting to believe that nothing ever would.

Kale’s house was my destination. My break from reality was over. The past several days we’d embraced a reckless sort of escape, living only in each moment. That was done. It was time for me to go home.

Getting my things while he was out with Jez was both cowardly and safe. It would be easier if I didn’t have to look into his amazing eyes. While I gathered my things, I told myself again and again that this was best for Kale and for me. We were a disaster together. But I was going to miss him.

With my bag slung over my shoulder, I paused in the kitchen to dig through the drawers in search of some kind of pen and paper. Vampires didn’t tend to have a lot in the way of everyday things. I ended up digging a pen out of my shoulder bag and scribbled a note on a piece of old newspaper.

We both know how this will play out, and because I can’t stand goodbye, I’m just going to go. I will always love you, and I will miss you like crazy. Please take care of yourself, and as selfish as this is to say, please don’t forget me. Give ’em hell in Sin City. That city won’t know what hit it. xoxo
More than once I turned back to change it. I even considered tearing up the note and leaving nothing behind. But I couldn’t do that and live with myself. My encounter with Shaz had reminded me how shitty I’d become. Still, I had my limits. I couldn’t let Kale leave without a word.

I lingered in the doorway on my way out. For just a moment I was tempted to go to his bedroom and breathe in the scent of the bed where we’d made love so recently. I wanted him imprinted on my memory forever.

I thought about the previous day and the way he’d come to me when I’d slipped away to call Jenner and Juliet. He’d looked so sure that our time was coming to an end. He was right.

As I left Kale’s neighborhood for what I was sure would be the last time, I waited to feel some kind of emotion. Tears should be welling; my hands should be shaking. But I just felt hollow inside, void of feeling. Numb.

I cranked up the local rock station to drown out any thoughts that might plague me, but my mind remained blank. It was easier to shut down than it was to feel.

The route home was still etched in my memory. I followed the highway down to the small town I’d known and loved for so many years. Going through the motions of each turn and intersection, I expected everything to feel different now that I was different. It didn’t. I couldn’t decide whether that was a good thing or not.

Town was quiet at this late hour. It often was. I passed only one car as I made my way home. For a brief moment, I wondered who was inside and where they were headed. What was their story?

I knew the instant I turned into my driveway that he was there, before I even laid eyes on his old, rarely driven Firebird. Deep inside, I felt him.

Arys sat on the front step of my house. He was alone. Here it was, that moment I’d been both dreading and craving: our first encounter without the awkward comfort of friends present to keep things from spiraling out of control.

After parking the Charger in front of the garage, I took a moment to steel myself, knowing that, if anything were to break my careful calm, it would be Arys. I hadn’t really expected he’d let me run off on him. It wasn’t who he was.

“Arys, I don’t think this is such a good idea.” It probably wasn’t the greeting he hoped for, but it was as good as it was going to get. “We shouldn’t be alone together. Not yet.”

“Why not? Because you’re not ready?” He rose with a sigh and rubbed both palms on his jeans. “You’ll never be ready, Alexa. And I’m done with waiting. I’ve given you time, but you’ll never adjust without me. You’ll just drive us both insane.”

“How did you know I would come home?” I asked, stopping several feet from the front step where he waited.

He shrugged, then his shoulders sagged heavily. “You know how. Can we just talk? Please?”

I dropped my bag on the ground, tossing the Dragon Claw down beside it. “What is there to talk about? You killed me. You loved it. I can’t seem to get over that. End of story.”

“Like hell it is. You seem to be forgetting that I had to kill you. You demanded it. I didn’t want to. Not when the time finally came.” He crossed his arms and pinned me with a piercing stare. His posture was rigid with tension.

Logically I knew that there was more to the situation than my dumbed down version. Still, all I could think about when I met his fierce gaze was the utter joy and bliss he’d experienced as I died in his arms. How could I go on like that hadn’t happened?

“I know that, ok? I do. But I felt what you felt, Arys. I know that you love me, and I know that you loved killing me. It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around that. I don’t think I even want to.”

“Then don’t. Just let it go so we can move on.” When I scoffed at that, he added, “I’m not going to apologize because we both know I’m not sorry. It had to be done. You know it as well as I do. But what I am sorry for is how it made you feel. If I’d known it would break you this way, if I’d thought for a moment it would drive this wedge between us, I’d never have done it.”

“That’s a lie.”

We stood there in the dark with only the stars and half moon shining down on us. The emotional wall that I’d built back at Kale’s was beginning to crumble. Too soon. I stared at Arys, feeling cheated by fate. Again I was reminded of Lilah’s declaration that the twin flame bond was a curse.

“Let’s go inside and talk, Alexa. Please.” When I didn’t respond, he exploded in a burst of frustration. “What do you want from me? What can I possibly do to make this right with you?”

“Leave me alone,” I whispered, cringing as the words left me.

In contrast to my numbed out state, Arys was a storm of emotion. It poured from him in waves of anguish and despair. He came off the front step, moving toward me with fury-driven steps. I braced myself when he grabbed me by both arms and shook me.

“Tell me one thing, and I will walk away. Just one thing.” He peered into me, searching my eyes for some sign of the woman he knew. “Tell me that, when he touched you, it wasn’t me you were thinking about.”

Another chink in my wall. How did he know? With my lips pressed tight together, I shook my head, unable to speak.

Arys grew frazzled. He shook me again, this time using a hand under my chin to force me to meet his gaze. “If you can honestly tell me that you didn’t think about me while he was inside you, then I’m gone. But if not, then we are far from done here.”

“Arys, don’t. Please don’t do this.” My fragile wall broke away brick by brick until it took great effort to hold myself together.

“Tell me,” he demanded, his shout echoing in the vast night. His blue eyes flashed with certainty, and his grip tightened.

I fell into those penetrating eyes. In them I saw myself, and I saw the spark of what it was that united us. I couldn’t lie to him. Not only was it not in my nature, he’d never believe it anyway.

With a frustrated growl, I shouted, “You win, ok? Every day that I was in his bed, it was you that I ached for. It was you that I missed until it hurt. I wanted to escape you by losing myself in him, and every fucking time it became more and more undeniable that he is not the one.” I jerked away from Arys, and he released me. Turning away, I fought back blood tears that wouldn’t be denied. “Are you happy now?”