Forged: A Devil's Spawn MC Novel (13 page)

Before all that though, Avery was every bit the diva she still is today, only worse. She threw tantrums if Tobias tried to leave at night, followed him around like a shadow, and she made sure to position herself between us if there was ever a time we’d need to sit close. Avery was like our own tiny, personal bodyguard and Tobias and I both saw through what she was doing as soon as she started doing it.

At first it was cute, neither of us wanted to burst her bubble. She was doing something she thought would aid her family. But as the days wore into weeks, and the weeks to months, we agreed something needed to be done to deter her. She was becoming too wrapped up in what was going on with us that she was forgoing being a child. A normal, regular, happy child that played with dolls and blocks, drew with her Sister, and baked cookies with me. She didn’t need the stress of our marriage breaking down on her tiny shoulders, and she sure as hell didn’t need to take the responsibility of fixing it on herself. That was up to us, and even though to this point we’d fucked it up royally that didn’t mean I wanted my daughter stepping in where we had failed.

That was the first thing Tobias and I agreed on in months. Avery needed to be freed from the job she’d given herself somehow. How we made that happen without crushing her happy-go-lucky spirit we didn’t know. All we knew was it needed to be done, and soon.

Fingers clicking in front of my face brings me out of my thoughts and back to the present. Lexi is staring at me in awe, and I can only wonder what the hell I did to make her look at me that way.

“Wow,” she exclaims. “How the hell do you do that?”

“Huh?” What? How do I do what?

“You literally disappeared right in front of my eyes. You were completely off in your own world. I was sitting here snapping my fingers for more than five minutes trying to get you to come back to the land of the living.”

Oh, that. That’s normal for me. I’m surprised she hasn’t noticed before now actually. Shrugging I reply,

“Sorry. It happens all the time. I don’t even know I’m doing it most of the time.”

With an answering shrug she sighs settling back in to her spot.

“To answer your earlier question, how did I forgive Glock? It was simple really. I just had to decide if I could live without him or not.” Wrapping her arms around her belly she adds, “It wasn’t as easy as you think though, Tilly. Simple doesn’t equal easy, they’re two totally different things. It might have all boiled down to whether I could bear to live without him or not, but the journey to get to there wasn’t quite so straightforward.” Tell me about it. “The difference with me and Glock was that while we had interference from the outside world in the form of my Dad and his merry band of assholes, I didn’t have the competition you
think
you have.”

Gaping at her I sit in shock. Think? I don’t think I have competition, I know I do, which is what I tell her.

“There’s no think about it, Lexi, I do have competition. It’s not a game, but if it was, there’s no winners or losers. We’re all losing with things the way they are at the moment, but don’t doubt for one second that I still have plenty of competition for Saint.”

“No, you don’t,” she snaps. “You might have to share his time, but you’ve got absolutely no competition for his affection. He loves you, Tilly. You can see it in the way he looks at you. Every time he thinks you’re not looking, he stares at you. You can feel how much he adores you, not just see it for fuck’s sake. I hate to say this, but I think you need to hear it and you’re going to whether you like it or not. Forget everything you
think
you know, Tilly. Open your eyes and your heart so you can see and feel it, and do it before it’s too late.” Shaking her head sadly she finishes by saying, “You’re going to lose him if you don’t, Tilly. And I think if you search inside yourself hard enough you’ll soon work out that’s not what you want. I know you love him and he adores you, but if you can’t forgive him it’s time to let him go. For your sake, not his, because this is going to continue to eat you up until you do. You can’t live like this. You can’t live knowing your husband is going elsewhere to be with another woman, and you won’t be able to live with yourself for disrespecting yourself as a wife, mother, and a woman if you do. I love you, Tilly, but this has to stop and you know it. Forgive yourself first, and then work out whether you can do the same for him.”

That day, after coffee and one too many doughnuts, I went home and thought about everything Lexi said. I thought long and hard about whether I could live this way forever, knowing that if I didn’t do something to change it I would be living in a vicious cycle with no end. That night, lying in bed alone, I decided I couldn’t. I couldn’t live with myself if I taught my daughters it was okay to let yourself be anything less than your husbands’ number one priority. I couldn’t do it to myself anymore either. I may love him and want him in my life, but it wouldn’t be at the expense of my own self-worth and self-respect.

The next day I woke up with a much clearer perspective on how I was going to live my life. And that was, for me. I was going to go on with my life making the best decisions I could for me and my girls, Tobias becoming a secondary consideration, not a primary one. I may have brought this on myself by allowing him to make the choice, but now that he had I was going to make the best of it. I would make this work because I didn’t have a choice not to. I would make sure I was the best mother I could be, and the best person I could be too. And succeed if it was the last thing I ever did. I promised myself I’d give it my all and when the time came to address my relationship with Tobias I would, and I’d do it as a stronger person.

Realizing I’d spaced out, again, I yell,

“I’m not hanging from the light fitting in the closet, so you can all go back to what you were doing before you came over here to annoy me.” I’m not of the opinion that’s going to deter my sister. Not in the slightest. But it should hopefully get the rest of them off my back. Wishful thinking on my part.

“Open the fucking door now, Tilly,” Saint growls.

“Go fuck yourself, Tobias.”

“Fine, have it your way.” Hmm, I don’t like the sound of that. Not one bit.

Seconds later a huge boot invades my line of sight where I’d just been starting at the perfectly painted, white door of my bedroom. This is closely followed by my husbands’ big, beautifully muscular body filling the door frame. Glancing over his shoulder quickly before returning his scowl to me he barks,

“Everyone out, now!”

“What the hell, Saint? No. I want to talk to her first,” my sister exclaims angrily.

“Babe, leave them to figure their shit out, yeah?” That comes from the voice of reason, Tank.

On a huff she yells over his shoulder pointing at me with one pink, polished nail.

“You better call me tomorrow, Tallulah. If you don’t I’m coming over here to kick your ass, pregnant or not.”

At that I can’t help but start laughing. Throwing myself back on the bed I begin to laugh hysterically at the vision of my seven month pregnant sister trying to lift her leg high enough to kick my ass. Not going to happen, no matter how much she’d like to. She’s huge and she’s still got weeks to go. But if it makes her feel better to threaten me, have at it.

“Sure, Priss. I’ll call, but only because I’d hate for you to get a cramp in your ass when you try to lift your leg higher than to put your shoe on.” I’m sure I hear a muttered, ‘bitch’ before Tank tugs her back down the stairs and out of the house.

“You’ll call me too, Tilly. Lexi’s worried about you, and the twins want to see their Aunt Tilly. I know you wouldn’t want to disappoint them, would you?” Glock says with a hint of a smirk in his voice.

Damn him. Although I know he’s manipulating me, he knows he’ll win this round, which does nothing but piss me off more. I would never disappoint my godson’s and he damn well knows it, hence adding that little sweetener to the end of his demand. Stupid men. Stupid, overbearing men I should say.

Snorting, I reply with just the right amount of sarcasm to show him just how annoying he is.

“Yeah, I’ll get right on that.” Chuckling at me, he too makes his way down the stairs leaving me with only my husband, who by the looks of it is fuming mad. On hearing Glock’s bike start, I lift my head to face Tobias gasping at what I see.

Not only does he look furious, he’s looks sad and resigned too. The events of the last week have worn on him, I can see it written all over him. The way his shoulders sag ever so slightly. His head hanging just an inch or two lower than usual, and the dark circles framing his beautiful eyes tell me all I need to know. What I reveled to my dad has hurt him just as much as it has me. My refusal to talk to him, to spend time with him, to trust him to take care of me, all of it is weighing heavily on him and I hate it. Hate it with a passion. But I don’t know what to do to ease that burden. He wanted it all. All my secrets, and now he has them. I knew it would do this to him, which is why they were just that, secrets.

I’d like nothing more than to erase his memory. Go back to before my confession. Before he found out about Demon and everything he’d done to me. Before he felt he had to protect me by being somewhere he obviously doesn’t want to be. I mean, how could he want to be here? I hid the truth from him for years. I handed him divorce papers. And I didn’t trust him enough to believe he’d never slept with Stacey, regardless of the fact he adamantly denied touching her. I wouldn’t want to be here either, which leads me to say,

“You can go you know. I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to leave and never look back. What I did to you was unforgivable. I would totally understand if you walked out the door and never came back.”

“Feeling sad? Feeling blue? Got the sniffles?

Well I know what will get you through. An orgasm cures everything.

Take two and thank me in the morning.”

-
                    
Rotten eCard

What she did was unforgivable? My mind races to catch up and work out what the fuck is she talking about? I can only assume she means not telling me about that sick fuck Demon. But knowing what I do now, what he did to her, and why she wanted to keep it from me there’s no way I’d be able to hold that against her. She should know me better than that, and I think if she was in her right mind, not scared out of it, she’d realize that I’m never leaving her again. Not even if she tries to force me to.

I’ve had a lot of time to think about how this is going to play out between us with Tilly ignoring me lately. I’ve gone over it in my head on repeat since finding out about Demon, and what Stacey did to me, along with the knowledge Tucker isn’t mine. That part hurts. As in, it fucking kills to think about. It shouldn’t, the boy isn’t my son and he never really was, but I helped raise him like he was my own so of course it’s going to burn when faced with the reality he isn’t. I loved him. Treated him the same as I do my girls. And I’m going to miss the shit out of the kid, but rationally I know he’s not mine to worry about. Not anymore anyway.

I’d be lying if I said a part of me didn’t want to curl up into a ball and cry when I found out I’d dedicated two years of my life to a boy that had no real connection to me other than the one his mother fabricated. And I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t going to hurt like hell seeing someone else be his dad.

I don’t think a day will go by that I don’t love that kid. Years from now he’ll still have a special place in my heart, one the shit his mother did can’t touch, but that’s all it’ll be, a place where the memories of him live. That’s something I’m going to have to learn to live with sooner rather than later too, because like it or not, Dagger is his Dad and he’s got every right to have a relationship with his son without me hanging around to confuse Tucker more. I can only hope he’s the one who tells Tucker he’s his real father, because letting Stacey tell him would be a huge fucking mistake. I don’t put anything past that bitch, and that includes fucking with her sons’ head if it means she’ll benefit from it some way.

Raking my eyes over my wife, I see the tears in her eyes, the despair on her gorgeous face, and the defensive position she’s curled herself into. Ass to the mattress, knees to her chest with her arms wrapped around them, and her head hung with her cheek to one of her knees. I’m not sure what she thinks she’s protecting herself from. It’s most probably me if I take into consideration what she just said, but I hope not. She’s got not one thing to be scared of when it comes to me, unless it’s the sheer amount of love I’ve got for and how overwhelming that can be sometimes.

The thing is, I’m not letting her out of having this long overdue conversation. Not this time. It might make me sound like an asshole, but I don’t care if we have it with tears streaming down her beautiful face and she spends most of it begging me to stop. I’ve got shit she needs to hear and she’s going to hear it whether she likes it or not. I’ve waited one long fucking week to do this and it’s now or never.

I turn around to lock the door and realize I’ve popped the locking mechanism when I used my foot to kick it in. Settling for propping it closed with the chair in the corner of the room for now, I take a step closer to her and use the most commanding voice I can muster without sounding like a drill sergeant.

“Look at me, Tilly.” She doesn’t move, so I repeat myself. “Fucking look at me, babe.” This time she shakes her head no before turning it to face the opposite wall. I’ll admit my patience isn’t the best right now, so it’s no surprise when I roar, “Fucking look at me goddamn it. You’re not getting out of this shit, so turn the fuck around and look at me.”

Snapping her head in my direction, Tilly stares at me in shock. I don’t raise my voice with her often, but I need her to be looking at me when I tell her this. Not the wall. Not her feet. And no fucking distractions. Taking advantage of her silence I go on to explain, hoping she’ll stay quiet long enough to hear me out.

“I get a lot of shit has gone down and you want to shut yourself in your head for a bit to work it out, but that can only happen after we talk. Better yet, that shit can happen when I’ve said my piece and you’ve actually listened to me for a change. There’s more I’ve got to tell you, Tilly. Shit I should’ve said months ago. And believe it or not, you’re going to want to hear it.”

Now I’ve peaked her curiosity. The quirked eyebrow and parted lips prove it.

“I don’t know why I didn’t tell you before, but I can’t go back and change that. Part of me thought it was easier if you kept believing the worst of me than try and convince you otherwise, regardless it’s time to set the record straight.” Sucking in a deep breath through my nose, I focus on her stunning chocolate brown eyes and pray she’ll believe me when this is all out in the open. “You gave me a choice and I picked wrong, and for that I’m sorrier than you’ll ever know. But you’ve got to believe me when I say it was based on Tucker and nothing else. Choosing to live two separate lives while married to you wasn’t what I wanted, but I didn’t feel like I had a choice at the time, Tilly. I thought it was that or nothing. I couldn’t not see my son, or who I believed was my son. That’d be like asking me to give up seeing one of my girls, and that shit just wouldn’t happen.”

I couldn’t imagine not being able to see the beautiful smiling faces of my little girls’ every day. I shake my head sadly and take in another lungful of air trying desperately to calm myself so I don’t end up sobbing like a baby.

“I don’t know what’s going to happen now, babe. Tucker is Dagger’s son, I’ve got no doubt he’ll take care of him, but I’d still like to offer to help him with that if he needs it. It’d mean a lot to me if you understood why I want to do it, and get that it’s not because I feel obligated to but because Tucker deserves that much.”

Tilly’s eyes go soft, one of the many looks she has that I love. The one where she gazes at me with respect and amazement. I haven’t seen it in so long I have to shake my head a few times just to be sure I’m not mistaken. I’m not, but it feels damn good to be sure. Definitely amazement. Fucking excellent, we’re finally getting somewhere.

“Of course. I wouldn’t expect any different,” she replies softly.

Nodding my thanks, I can’t help the relief that surges through me knowing she’s not going to stand in the way of me offering to help. Not that I really believed she would. But after what she’s been through over the last week, I wouldn’t be surprised if that was too much to ask of her and as much as it’d pain me, I’d abide by her wishes.

“You already know the shit Stacey did, drugging my drink, playing it off like we’d slept together. And I’ve gotta say, I’ve never been more proud of you than when you knocked her the fuck out. It was a thing of beauty watching you do that, babe. The boys thought so too.”

Her giggle is music to my ears. I haven’t heard that directed at me for months and I’ve missed it. I didn’t realize how much I missed it until right now however.

“I know I’ve got every part of you now, Tilly. You gave me the last piece when you told me about Demon. You trusted me with that, and I’ll never be able to explain what it means to me that you did. I’ve only got one more piece of me to give before you’ve got all of me too.” Now she’s back to looking shocked. “Yeah, I haven’t told you everything, but like I said before, babe, it was easier to let you keep thinking what you did than to bust my ass convincing you of anything different. That was my fuck up, I should’ve told you everything back then. Maybe things would’ve been different if I had, I don’t know. But I didn’t, and I can’t dwell on that shit and neither can you.”

Bracing myself for her reaction, I take three steps forward and sit at the foot of the bed facing her.

“I didn’t sleep with her, Tilly. Not once. I thought I did that first time, the time she claimed Tucker was conceived, her being in my bed at the clubhouse, naked was enough to have me second guessing myself even. Since then, you and I both found out I didn’t touch her that time, or anytime you may have thought I did after. I can promise you, Tilly, I haven’t slept with, fucked, or had sex with another woman since I took you to my bed twelve years ago, and that’s the truth.”

A strangled sob bursts from Tilly’s throat, so much so the bed starts shaking with the force of her cries. I make the split second decision that the space between us isn’t working for me. Crawling up the bed, I sit next to her and pull her into my arms. She sinks into my embrace immediately accepting all the love and comfort I’m offering her. Having her like this, in my arms, in our bed, whether it’s because she’s crying or not has my heart pounding in my chest. Other than the one time I had her in my lap when she told her dad about his brother, I haven’t held my woman in so long I thought I’d all but forgotten how good it feels. I was wrong, again. I didn’t forget a fucking thing.

At five-foot-six, Tilly’s tiny in comparison to my six-three. She weighs maybe one hundred and twenty pounds soaking wet, but the gentle weight of her curled into my side might as well be a twenty tons the impact it has on me. I’ve missed this and I’ve missed her. Every day we’ve been apart, everything we’ve gone through, and how much we’ve both had to sacrifice comes crashing down on top of me as I hold her tightly refusing to let her move an inch.

Thought of what my life would have been like if I’d never been able to hold her again run through my head at an alarming rate. What if I couldn’t touch her, be near her, and call her my wife anymore. What the fuck would I do then? It’s not something I’d let happen, I know that with a certainty that lights a fire in my veins, but that’s just me. What if she was positive I wasn’t what she wanted or needed anymore? There’s no way I’d survive this life without her, and she needs to know that. She needs to feel it as deeply as I do. Tilly needs to hear me tell her what I should’ve been telling her every day for the last twelve years instead of taking it for granted that she knew and believed it.

“I love you, Tallulah Annaliese Phillips. I’ve never loved a woman before or after you, and I never will. You’re it for me. If you tell me this is it, that we’re still done, I’ll fight for you with the last breath in my body until the day I die to make you change your mind. That’s how much I love you, babe. I can’t and won’t live without you, Tilly. It’d kill me if you tried to make me.”

My voice sounds unsure even to my own ears, but when she looks up at me so intently with those big, chocolate eyes of hers and smiles, I know my world is complete again. Kissing the small area of exposed skin at the base of my throat, between my shirt and my neck, Tilly heals me with only a few words. It’s like the past two and a half years are erased in the blink of an eye. They aren’t, and we have a long road to travel to put it completely behind us, but I intend to bask in the happiness she’s giving me at least for today.

“I love you too, Tobias. Now shut up and show me how much you love me.”

At her demand I don’t waste any time scooping her up and rolling her beneath me. If she thought I’d do the chivalrous thing and refuse, she’s out of her goddamn mind. There’s no way in hell I’d miss out on an offer like that. An offer to have her writhing and moaning for me. What man in his right mind or otherwise would deny a woman a stunning as Tilly? Not fucking me that’s for sure.

Once. I’ve made love once in the last three years, and it was with Tilly the day she handed me those fucking divorce papers. I didn’t lie when I told her I haven’t had another woman since I took her to bed the first time twelve years ago, and if she couldn’t forgive me I won’t have anyone until the day I take my last breath. I can’t imagine slipping inside another woman’s body. The thought alone makes me feel sick to my stomach, let alone actually going through with it. That’s not the only reason I’d happily be celibate though.

Even before Tilly I’d never made love to a woman, and if you’d asked me to tell you the difference at the time I’d have told you there wasn’t one. Sure, I’ve fucked other women, but that’s exactly what it was, fucking. There was no tenderness. No gentle touches, kissing, caressing, or worshipping a woman’s body. It was just straight up get my dick wet and get off, fucking. It’s not even close to what I have with Tilly. Even if it’s up against the wall, me pounding into her hard and rough, all teeth and nails, grinding and sweaty, it’s still making love because I’m in love with her. Every time we’ve gone at it fast and dirty I’ve worshiped her body. Maybe in a different way to the slow, languid times filled with sweet touches and caresses, but it’s been worshipping nonetheless.

This time’s going to be no different, because as much as I’d love to take the time to spread her out naked, kiss, lick, and taste every part of her, I don’t have that kind of self-control. It’s been too long since I’ve been inside her tight, wet pussy. I know before we start it’s going to be hard and fast. Shit, at this rate I’ll be lucky to get my jeans off before I come in my pants like a teenage boy.