For Authentication Purposes (22 page)

But Dawn was also in a class all her own. She had become a million times more sexually adventurous than I had ever imagined once I’d helped release the Dirty Bunny from her cage. To say we were both satisfied would have been an understatement. It was more than that.

We were so in love.

Now
I
sounded like a damn Harlequin novel.

Jemma shuffled into the room with an unimpressed Candace behind her. “I think they’re in love.”

Candace nodded, folding her arms and flopping on the couch opposite from where Gary was sitting. “I knew this was going to happen.”

“It’s
guy love between two guys
.” Gary wheezed and then lost himself in a fit of laughter, coughing and closing the book before shoving it across the floor at me with his foot. “I can smell the bromance from here.”

Declan and Nolan could be heard in the other room, talking fast and excited over one another, and I couldn’t help but snicker at the mental picture of the two of them looking into one another’s star-filled, goo-goo eyes. I wondered if they were holding hands yet. When they reappeared I was a little let down that they weren’t.

Jemma reached down for the book and held it up with a sigh. “You’re not going to tell me how old this bitch is at all? Because I’m still picturing you banging a lady at my grandpa’s retirement home.”

“If you screwed a woman that old I will rip my own eyes out of their sockets. She better have been Elle Macpherson old. Christie Brinkley old. Cindy Crawford old.” Candace was as serious as her sarcastic heart could take.

“Wait. They’re not that old, are they?” Jemma’s hand flew to her mouth in alarm.

“Yeah. They were all born in the forties or something. But they’re still perfect so maybe they’re holograms. I’m not sure, though. Maybe they never existed and they’ve been holograms this entire time. ” There was a twinkle in my stepsister’s eye that made me shake my head. She just loved screwing with people.

“Hologram would make sense. What about CGI? Do you think there are more of them?” Jemma’s eyed widened. “How many holograms do you think are out there? Are
you
real?” She waved her hand in front of Candace’s face and my stepsister grinned.

“Shut up. They weren’t born in the forties. No one is a hologram. And I’m never going to tell you how old she was.” I tightened my arm around Dawn’s waist. Leaning in to kiss the top of her head, I couldn’t stop myself from smiling. “Did our dear friends online have any new information for us? Or were you just over there reading dirty scenes in books from your friends that you’re going to want to reenact later?” Dawn pinched my side and laughed when I jumped and let out a painful “
Ow
!”

“No. I was looking to see how many articles there are about the book.”

Candace groaned. “I tried to not even picture you as I was reading that piece of shit book. My brain replaced you with that hot guy from that wolf show.”

“I pictured the dude from
TRON
,” Jemma piped up.

Dawn laughed loud in my ear, her whole body shaking as she gripped my shirt and kept me from jumping out of my seat and lunging after her. “We’re gonna set everyone straight with our book, anyway.” She giggled and ran a soft hand through my hair, calming me in an instant. “Right, Wardo?”

I narrowed my eyes at the rest of the room and then kissed her head again.

Gary snorted and scratched his head. “So, Bunneh, have you decided what you’re going to name this Pulitzer Prize-winning novel of yours?”

Dawn sighed and tucked her feet beneath my thighs. “Yeah. She named hers
An Early Education
. I figure, since we’re getting the facts straight, we could name it
For Authentication Purposes
. FAP.”

I held my breath as she let the words leave her mouth. I’d been waiting for this. It was a dream come true.

Nolan shook his head fast and hard. “No, nononononono. Wait. No.
What?
I can’t even . . . no.”

Declan nodded in agreement. “Yeah, you can’t name that shit FAP.”

Dawn sat up and looked them over skeptically. “Why not?”

Declan sighed and ran his hands through his hair. “Fap is a sound.”

“It’s the sound that your hand makes when you masturbate,” Nolan jumped in.

“Like in hentai or manga. Anime porn?” Declan’s eyes were wider than I’d ever seen them.

“And everything is just, like, so unbelievably wet.” Nolan’s hands were flailing. “I mean, sweat on their foreheads and foaming at the mouth.”

Declan nodded with enthusiasm. “Way more wetness than could be physically possible. But it helps make the sound.” His hand mimicked jerking off. “Fap, fap, fap . . .” Moving them faster he continued. “Fap-fap-fap-fap-fap-fap-fap.”

Nolan was pretending to work a girl with two fingers, making the same sound at the same time. It was like a fap chorus. In stereo.

All of a sudden, they both stopped and locked eyes, hands still mimicking the wank sessions.

Nolan licked his lower lip once and breathed out soft and slow. “Declan? How do you feel about fruit flies?”

Declan’s big eyes went all Bambi-like as he sighed. “I fuckin’ love fruit flies.”

Candace stood and raised her hands above her head. “I give up. You two move in together. I’ll get a place with Jemma.”

Jemma watched the entire thing unfold, staring with rapt fascination.

Dawn leaned in to my ear, dropping her voice so that no one else could hear. “Still a jerk, Wardo. You’re just lucky I’m so in love with you.”

I turned to give her my one raised eyebrow as she shook her head and smiled. Leaning in to give her a kiss, I let it linger before pulling away. “I kept my promise when I said I would fap you later.”

Her laughter assured me that she got the joke. She got me. And I got her. We always had, it just took some time to get on the same page. We’d started our story years ago.

And now everyone in the entire world would know about it.

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Amber is a full-time mom and a full-time wife who is employed full time and writes when she can. She believes in Happily Ever Afters that occur every day—despite the obstacles real life serves up on a regular basis. Or perhaps they’re sweeter simply because of them. She always has two rubber bands on her wrist, a song in her head, and too much creamer in her coffee cup that reads ‘Cocoa,’ because she’s a rebel. If she’s not at her desk, with her boys, or behind the computer, she’s supporting live music with her arms raised above her head and her eyes closed, waiting for the drop.

To the insane women that wanted this in print: Thank you for being so excited to see this published. I’m telling my mom that this is all your fault.

Lori and Stephanie, you two deserve an award for the amount of pages, rewrites, and general annoyances that come from being in this twisted inner circle. Thanks for holding my hand and for telling me you think this book is funny. It’s the biggest compliment ever.

Karen D. to you I say, “What do you mean I can’t have a 67 word sentence??” Thank you for your eagle eyes, for your time and commitment, and for just all around kicking ass.

My amazing street team! You’re the absolute best. I’d be nowhere without your dedication and support. Thank you for always being there.
 

Erin, Deanna and Andrea - thank you for being my team on this one. And to the entire team at TWCS, your patience and kindness while I’ve tried to navigate this whole publishing thing has been incredible. Without you I would still be looking at this manuscript and wondering if it would ever see the light of day.

To all those who read the first draft and loved it, I thank you for giving me the confidence to see this through. And to those that are reading it for the first time, I hope it was as good for you as it was for Bunny and Warner.

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