FOLLOW THE MORNING STAR (65 page)

‘You girls all set then? Drive carefully.’

‘We will.’ She wanted to say how good it felt to leave knowing TR and her mother were together at Tingulla. Instead she kissed his
cheek and said softly. ‘Thanks for everything. Hang in there, TR.’

He nodded and Saskia turned and hurried away, finding it just too painful to see the sadness and lost look in his eyes.

Slowly Saskia went upstairs and found her mother sitting in a wicker chair on the balcony outside her bedroom.

‘We’re off in a minute, Mum. Millie and Jim are going to come into Longreach with us and stay overnight.’

‘Good, they need a break.’

‘It’s been wonderful, Mum. Thank you for making it all so perfect for me. And I love the opals. That meant such a lot.’ She crouched by her mother and dropped her head into her lap and Queenie softly stroked her hair.

‘I’m glad, darling.’

Saskia looked up at her mother, her eyes damp with tears. ‘I wish I could make everything perfect for you and TR.’

‘Oh, Sas . . . don’t upset yourself. Now that he is here and we’re alone together, I really believe things will come good.’ Queenie smiled at her daughter. ‘You are going to have a wonderful life, you are going to be successful and make TR and I very proud of you. You just laugh and be happy. That makes me feel good.’

‘You’ve both given me so much . . . I just wish TR knew how much. I love you, Mum. You’re so special, I hope I can be a mother like you one day.’

‘You will, Sas . . . Do you know, I used to say the same thing to Nana Rose. Now, off you go, I won’t come down. There have been too many
goodbyes today. And wish Jenni good luck for me.’

By dusk Tingulla was deserted. For the first time Queenie and TR were truly alone, and it gave Queenie a feeling of great comfort and peace to see him moving about the yard and house. He seemed to be tidying and sorting through the party paraphernalia. Queenie made a cold meat and salad meal and opened a bottle of Grange Hermitage she’d been saving for a special occasion.

After dinner TR helped her carry the plates into the kitchen, poured the last of the wine into their glasses and handed her one.

‘Come and sit on the verandah, I want to talk to you.’ His voice was gentle and he gave a small smile.

Queenie gave an inward sigh of relief. He was relaxing at last. Over dinner they had discussed the wedding and Saskia’s party and TR had asked questions to fill in some of the gaps about their guests and their background. It had been companionable, yet slightly formal. There was still a reserve about him which distressed her, but she hoped in the coming weeks this would fade away. This evening, alone together, she’d hoped would be their bonding time when they’d re-establish contact with each other. Queenie’s sexual drive and her longing desire for TR was burning inside her. She’d been dismayed by his coolness but had kept her emotions in check.

Now they settled themselves in the evening light and Queenie peered into the clouded sky.

There’s rain on the way, for sure.’ She turned to TR and lifted her glass to his and clinked crystal against crystal. ‘Here’s to the future, TR.’

He sipped the rich smooth wine then put down his glass. ‘That’s what I want to talk to you about. Queenie, there’s no easy way to say this . . . I want a divorce.’

Queenie closed her eyes as everything went black for a second. She was winded as if from a hard physical blow. ‘What do you mean? I don’t understand, what are you saying?’

‘This hasn’t been an easy decision and I’ve thought about it for a long time. We have to assume I’m not going to get any better and —’

‘Why? Why assume that? But anyway, it doesn’t matter,’ Queenie cried, almost shouting, despair colouring every word.

‘I can’t go on living in this limbo. We both have to get on with our lives and start over and not lead half a life together. I realised this when I was away with Dingo, I felt I was alive because I was making a fresh start. Without a past I didn’t know.’

Queenie’s hand shook as she put down her glass. She stood up and began pacing frantically in front of TR. ‘No! Never! I can’t let you go and just start over. You don’t know what we’ve been through, how much we love each other!’ Tears streamed down her face. She stopped in front of him and looked down into his eyes. ‘This is madness, TR. You don’t know what you’re saying!’

TR stood. ‘Please, Queenie, please try to stay in control. I know this is a shock, but
you’ve been hanging onto a dream that’s gone.’ He paused, then said with finality. ‘And we can’t bring it back!’

Queenie slumped back into her chair and sat there frozen, numb and disbelieving. ‘I can’t live my life without you.’ She sobbed and covered her face with her hands. After taking several choking breaths she again looked at TR and announced firmly and quietly, ‘I’ll wait for you’.

‘No! That’s exactly what I don’t want!’ exclaimed TR angrily, going to the verandah rail and gripping it in an effort at self-control. ‘You’re suffocating me. Let me go!’ He turned to her and said more calmly, ‘Queenie, I know this is the best way. We have to break free of this and let each other go and get on with our lives. This way we can stay friends at least. Look, let’s not talk about it anymore. Sleep on it and we’ll talk in the morning.’ He spoke gently, knowing how he’d hurt her. But for the moment he was fighting for his life and he couldn’t see himself tied to a past that was lost. It was stopping him moving forward.

Queenie sat motionless, tightly gripping the arms of her chair, tears still running down her face. ‘What would you do? Where would you go?’ She turned to look at him and the anguish on her face stabbed at TR. ‘Is there anyone else?’ she asked hoarsely.

‘No, Queenie. I just want to try to get myself together by starting afresh and making a new life, seeing as I’ve lost my old one. I’ll go back to the west and work with Dingo.’

‘I see.’ Queenie stood. ‘You seem to have
thought this through. At least allow me a little time to do the same.’ She walked away from him without looking back, a fierce dignity masking the turmoil and emotions churning inside her.

TR rubbed a hand across his eyes. This was hell, but walking away seemed the only way to pick up the pieces of his life. She’d adjust, she was strong, and somehow out of this they might be able to forge a new and different kind of relationship. But his head spoke above his heart, telling him the only way they could survive would be to have no contact at all. At least not until they’d both started separate lives.

Chapter Forty-Two

Queenie couldn’t sleep. She felt like she had been attacked in the cruellest way possible — by the man she loved. How could this be happening? She couldn’t cry, she felt only a suffocating pain, as if a blanket had been thrown over her, smothering her, and if she could only pull it off, daylight and sunshine would reveal it had all been a bad dream.

She got out of bed and looked at the clock. It was four in the morning. Slowly she dressed, moving like a robot, unsure of what she was doing or why. She pulled on moleskin pants, her riding boots, one of TR’s shirts that still hung in their shared dressing room, and slung a wool sweater over her shoulders.

She went quietly outside and walked around the garden. A chill wind blew and the sky was clouded. She couldn’t make any sense of it all and the more she thought, the more hurt and confused she became. Her mind conjured up
images of her and TR together; it seemed impossible this was the end. The denial in her mind and heart was replaced by a sudden surge of anger, and in a wild burst of anguish she wished he had died. His death would be easier to deal with than this torture.

But then the love she still felt for him, which she knew would never leave her, welled up and swamped all other feelings. She needed to think, to seek some guidance, some help. Surely there had to be another way. She must come to some understanding and acceptance, impossible as it seemed. As if in part response to these questions, it came to her where she might find the answer. She went to the stables where Saskia’s colt was sleeping peacefully in a stall between Honey and Star. Honey pricked up her ears but remained calm as Queenie hurriedly saddled her, filled the water bag and hung it on the saddle. Queenie returned to the kitchen to pack basic food supplies and left a short note for Millie.
TR will explain. I need to be on my own for a little while. Q.

At lunch time the following day, Millie returned and began stoking the fire in the Aga. Still puzzling over Queenie’s message, she checked she wasn’t in the house. When Jim came into the kitchen she showed him the note and he hurried outside to look around.

Millie was making tea and toast when Jim returned and shook his head. ‘She’s gone off on Honey. D’you think she might’ve gone to the Quinns’?’

Millie shook her head. ‘She says in the note
she wants to be on her own. I have a terrible feeling in my bones, Jim.’

‘You better find TR and ask him what’s going on.’

By early evening Millie was frantic. Across the ranges she could see a storm slowly gathering and instinctively she knew that was the direction Queenie had taken. Now that TR had told her what had transpired between them, she realised Queenie would have been broken-hearted and would, as usual, have taken flight on her horse. She knew Queenie couldn’t contemplate life without TR and she was terrified that she might have done something stupid.

‘TR, you have to find her, bring her back,’ Millie pleaded tearfully. ‘I know something bad is gonna happen to her.’

Jim tried to calm her down. ‘Millie, we don’t know where she went.’

TR looked wretchedly from Jim to Millie, knowing this was his fault. ‘I’ll go and look . . . but she could be anywhere by now.’

‘Get Snowy, he’ll be able to find her. He found her before. Find him, TR, and take him with you.’

TR couldn’t bear the sight of Millie’s tears. ‘Please, don’t cry, Millie. I’ll find her. I’ll talk to Snowy first.’

Jim followed TR as he dashed outside and headed for Snowy’s small cottage. He rapped on the door and when there was no answer, glanced at Jim, who nodded and pushed the door open. In the dim and eerie light of dusk they saw Snowy stretched out on his bunk. He didn’t move and Jim hurried towards him.

‘Snow? Wake up, mate, we gotta problem.’

Snowy didn’t move and fearfully Jim stopped and looked at TR, who rushed to the old man.

‘Snowy?’ He felt for a pulse and lifted Snowy’s bony wrist.

Jim edged over to the bed. ‘Is he . . . ?’

‘He’s still with us. There’s a faint pulse. Snowy, can you hear me?’

Slowly the old man’s eyes opened and he turned his head towards TR and Jim. ‘Queenie . . . she’s out dere agin,’ he whispered.

‘Take it easy, Snow. Go slowly,’ said Jim, taking his hand and giving TR a questioning look.

TR shook his head slightly and bent closer to the old man’s face. ‘Snowy, I’ll find her. Where do I look?’

‘The cave, where you first come t’gether.’

TR looked desperately at Jim. ‘I don’t remember. I don’t remember any cave.’

Jim held his old friend’s hand between his own. ‘Snow, you’re gonna have t’tell TR where it is. I’ll help him.’

Snowy’s eyes closed, but his voice became a little stronger. ‘On the eastern hillside above the dead end of the creek between Tingulla and Ambush Hill.’ Jim nodded at TR, understanding the directions. ‘Halfway up . . . big rock overhang . . . little cave under it. That’s where she’s makin’ for. It’s your special place. You go by y’self, TR.’

Jim went to protest, but glancing at TR’s and Snowy’s faces, he knew better. Snowy still had his eyes closed as if seeing something in some
other place. ‘I’ll sketch it out for you,’ said Jim to TR.

‘Snowy, do you want Millie to get the doc for you?’ asked TR, knowing that the old man would refuse.

Slowly the old Aborigine’s eyes opened, and he struggled to focus, but his face was peaceful with the hint of a smile about his mouth. ‘No, but mebbe she might wanna come ’n’ sit with me . . . You git on yer way, TR.’ He reached up and TR clasped the old man’s hand, struggling to hold back his own tears. ‘You tell her, TR, you tell her old Snowy bin lookin’ out fer her.’

‘I will, I will. I’ll find her, Snowy, we’ll be right.’ He patted his hand and turned away as Snowy’s words came strongly with sudden energy. ‘You keep followin’ that mornin’ star, him see yer right.’

TR went straight to the stables and began saddling Star as Jim handed him a torch and explained the directions. ‘You gonna be okay, TR?’