Floods 6 (2 page)

‘There are a couple of things we have to do before we leave,' said Mordonna after she had booked their holiday and the Hulberts had gone home to pack. ‘First of all, I need volunteers to go out and dig up Granny. We can't possibly go on holiday without her.'

You might think that no one would offer to dig up a dead body, but the children loved their granny and they all rushed out into the garden and began digging. Of course, being a dog, Satanella usually did all the digging, but when it was Dead-Granny-Digging-Up, everyone insisted on a turn.

‘Be careful, children,' Mordonna called after them. ‘Granny might be asleep and you know how bits of her can fall off if she gets a sudden shock.'

Since Queen Scratchrot had been buried, quite a few bits of her had fallen off, even without her getting a shock. At first Mordonna had kept them all in a box under the kitchen sink, but then Winchflat had built a special Dead-Granny-Backpack and all the fallen-off bits were kept in its special mould-proof zip-up pockets.
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At some point in the future the family planned to stick all the bits back together again with the famous Doctor Julian Frankenstein's Amazing Incredible Two-Pack, Low-Fat Corpse Adhesive,
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but for the moment the Queen was quite happy as she was.

‘I like travelling light,' she said.

The Dead-Granny-Backpack proved to be extra useful now that the Queen was being dug up to accompany the family on holidays. The
children lifted her out of her coffin and folded her up inside the main part of the backpack with her head sticking out of the top so she could see what was going on with her one remaining eye.
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‘Oh, how lovely,' said the Queen when the children told her their plans. ‘I haven't been on holiday for years. Last time I went it was before I met your grandfather. My parents took me to the Great Exhibition in London in 1851. We went on the opening day and because we were royalty, we met Queen Victoria. Prince Albert even kissed me on the cheek. Not this cheek,' she added, pointing to the left side of her face, ‘the one in the plastic bag in that pocket down there.'

‘Well, this time, Granny,' said Betty, ‘we're going to the seaside.'

‘I'll need some new clothes,' said the Queen. ‘A nice sarong and one of those bikini things.'

‘Euggh, Granny, I don't think so,' said Betty.

‘Of course,' said the Queen with a chuckle, ‘I could always go topless.'

‘Ohh, Granny.'

‘Well, considering most of my skin has fallen off, I'm topless already,' said the Queen and she laughed so much that her left knee shot out of the backpack and across the room.

‘One thing's for sure,' she said as tears of laughter rolled down her one remaining cheek into her shoulder socket, ‘I won't need any sunscreen.'

At this the entire family fell about in hysterics.

‘You are the best granny in the whole world,' said Betty as she finished painting the Queen's seven remaining fingernails with her favourite Rhesus Red nail varnish.

‘And you are the prettiest granddaughter,' said the Queen.

‘Do you want to bring Igorina, darling?' Mordonna asked Winchflat.

Igorina was the girlfriend that Winchflat had built himself. Although everyone called her
his girlfriend, they had never been out on a date together or even kissed each other and the only time Winchflat had held her hand was before he had joined it onto the rest of her body. She was not so much a girlfriend as a zombie, but with less charm and beauty. Winchflat thought of her more like a backup girlfriend in case he couldn't find a proper one.

‘I don't think so, Mother,' he said. ‘Apart from the fact that she has terrible table manners,
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she looks so freaky that she scares everyone who sees her, including me.'

‘If you're sure, darling,' said Mordonna, feeling very relieved.

Being a witch and having grown up in Transylvania Waters, Mordonna had seen many weird and terrifying creatures, so the sight of Igorina didn't faze her at all. It was the smell.
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The thought of spending time cooped up with that terrible smell in the shiny red minibus that Mr Hulbert had hired for the week was almost enough to make her cancel the whole holiday.

Before they left, Mordonna called Parsnip
down from the roof. Parsnip was a Transylvanian Crow who belonged to Queen Scratchrot's devoted manservant, Vessel, who the Hearse Whisperer, an evil spy who worked for Mordonna's father, the King of Transylvania Waters, had trapped in an enchanted birdcage in an attempt to lure Mordonna out of hiding so she could take her back to the King.
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‘Parsnip, my good and faithful bird,' said Mordonna.

‘Uh oh, bad stuff coming now,' said Parsnip. ‘Nice speak always bring bad stuff, Snip-Snip know that.'

‘No, really,' said Mordonna. ‘All I want to say is that we're going on holiday and we'd like you to keep an eye on things back here.'

‘Snip-Snip need holiday,' said Parsnip.

‘Well, when we get back, then you can go on holiday yourself,' said Mordonna. ‘You could go and visit all your friends.'

‘Snip-Snip only got one friend and he trapped in enchanted birdcage,' said Parsnip. ‘And you said Snip-Snip not to go see him or Worse Hisperer will get you.'

‘Well, where do other crows go on their holidays?'

‘Not have holidays,' said Parsnip. ‘Just hang around and eat dead things.'

‘Well then,' said Mordonna. ‘When we get back, you can go off and do that. In the meantime, though, I really need you to look after everything here.'

Parsnip said that he wanted to go to the seaside with them and eat different dead things – the kind of dead things that you only get at the seaside, like slimy fish and bits of decaying lobster. Mordonna said she would bring him some back, but he still wasn't happy.

‘Look, it's a very important job staying here,' Mordonna said. ‘And when we come back I'll bring you a big surprise.'

‘What is it?'

‘You'll have to wait and see. It's a surprise.'

‘You just speaking that,' Parsnip said. He flew back up to the roof to attack some pigeons and make himself feel better.

He could see that Mordonna had that ‘if-I-have-any-more-trouble-from-you-I'll-turn-you-into-something-small-and-slimy' look in her eye.

Least Snip-Snip not have to helping washing out hang for two weekly,
he thought.
Beak pretending be clothes peg is making jaw sore, so good rest have.

Parsnip thought they were only leaving him behind because he was just a crow and they didn't
really like him, but he was wrong. In the back of Mordonna's mind there was always the fear that one of the King's spies would finally track them down. If this happened while they were away, then Parsnip would be able to fly down and warn them.

She knew her fears were probably unfounded. After all, they had imprisoned the King's most dangerous spy, the Hearse Whisperer, in a sealed magic bottle buried at the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean, the Mariana Trench.
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But,
she thought,
you can never be too careful.

How right she was.
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The place that Mordonna had chosen for their holiday was perfect: a peaceful little town by the sea called Port Folio. There was a harbour with picturesque fishing boats and lovely old buildings all along the waterfront, and further along there were miles of golden sand and bright blue sea. It was the sort of place that had probably looked exactly the same for the past hundred years. A lot of the people there certainly looked as if they had been there for a hundred years. It was also the sort of place where the Floods would probably cause very little comment because most of the population walked
around looking at their feet, so they wouldn't notice them. And if people did notice that the visitors were rather strange, they would be far too polite to say anything.

Their journey to Port Folio had been exciting for the Flood children as they had never been in a car before, let alone a minibus. They had travelled around on broomsticks and in Winchflat's Zoomy Thing,
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both of which most people would think was far more exciting, and of course five of them went halfway round the world each day on a magic dragon bus to and from school. However, like most things that seem ordinary, the very first time you do them they're quite exciting.

Unlike the usual long, slow, boring drive to a holiday destination, this drive was a bit different. For one thing, they never had to stop for fuel. Whenever a hoon went racing by in a dangerous way, Mordonna clicked her fingers and the hoon's petrol simply vaporised from their tank and reappeared in the minibus tank. And, of course, as soon as they approached any traffic lights, the lights instantly changed to green.

‘You know, that's quite amazing,' said Mr Hulbert, ‘because lights usually turn red when I drive up to them.'

The hotel that Mordonna had booked was the best in town, five stars and staggeringly expensive. She figured, quite correctly, that if they went to a lesser quality hotel, they might be turned away. Obviously only seriously rich people stayed at the Hotel Splendide, and seriously rich people could be as weird and eccentric as they liked because they were seriously rich, and this meant the hotel staff were used to all sorts of strange visitors.

‘After all,' said the manager to the concierge after the Floods had booked in, ‘wiz ze sort of money zey are paying, zey can have three heads and be married to an 'ippopotamus if zey want to.'

‘Or,' he added as Winchflat walked past with Queen Scratchrot on his back, ‘zey can even live in a backpack. Alzough, of course, it must be a nice designer backpack like zat one, not somezing cheap and plastic from a street market.'

Mordonna had booked the whole of the top floor of the hotel for the two families. This meant that they would not be disturbed by other guests and everyone could have their own bedroom and
sitting room and ensuite bathroom.

The reception of the Hotel Splendide was indeed splendid. Huge crystal chandeliers hung down from an ornate ceiling that was decorated with gold leaf. Big soft velvet sofas and armchairs sank into a thick red carpet and rich, chinless old aristocrats sank into the armchairs, dreaming of the days long gone when they had had chins and working brains. Smooth waiters glided silently between the sofas bearing trays of china tea in china cups. As the doorman opened the shining brass doors and bowed his head, the Hulberts and the Floods felt as if they'd been transported a hundred years into the past. Even the three flies that had sneaked in with them buzzed very, very quietly.

‘I think this is all a bit posh for us,' said Mr Hulbert in hushed tones. ‘I mean, we're just simple people and this is terribly grand.'

‘And I imagine it's, er, quite expensive,' said Mrs Hulbert.

The children, even baby Claude, stood in
complete silence with their mouths hanging open. For Satanella this was a good move as two of the three flies flew down her throat. Normally Merlinmary would have said it wasn't fair that her sister had got two flies to eat while she hadn't, but even she was overawed by the place and kept quiet.

‘Absolutely,' said Mordonna. ‘In fact it's very, very, very expensive – but don't worry, it's our treat.'

‘But, but, but … we can't possibly let you pay for us,' said Mr Hulbert, who imagined his entire life savings being swallowed up just buying a sandwich.

‘You're forgetting one thing, my dear Mr Hulbert,' said Mordonna. ‘We are wizards, so we can get money out of thin air.'

And to prove it, she clicked her fingers and a gentle rain of one-hundred-dollar notes floated down from the ceiling until the entire floor was covered in them.

‘Of course, if we had been in a cheaper hotel it would only have rained ten-dollar notes, and if
we had been in a really cheap bed and breakfast we would have been showered with coins, which can be very painful,' said Mordonna.

‘So we insist on paying for everything,' she continued, swishing through the hundred-dollar notes to hand Mr and Mrs Hulbert each a glass of Krug Clos du Mesnil 1995 Champagne.
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‘And that means everything. I want you to have the full beauty and spa treatment and every other luxury the hotel has to offer.'

‘Well, I don't know about that,' said Mrs Hulbert, panicking at the thought of complete strangers seeing bits of her that even she hardly ever looked at. But after Mordonna said she insisted on it and that as they were on holiday it was all right to try new experiences, Mrs Hulbert began to feel quite excited by the prospect.

Mr Hulbert felt quite excited too, though he wasn't sure why, because excited wasn't something he had had much experience of.

‘This is nice,' Mrs Hulbert said to her husband as champagne bubbles fizzed up her nose. ‘It's a bit like your grandmother's dandelion cordial.'

‘I wouldn't go that far, dear,' said Mr Hulbert, ‘but it is rather good. What's this funny white stuff, Nerlin? It's a bit salty – reminds me of salt and vinegar chips.'

‘It's Almas Caviar,'
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said Nerlin. ‘Not bad, is it?'

When they had all unpacked and freshened up, the two families went downstairs for lunch. As Mordonna had predicted, no one batted an eyelid.

‘Though I wouldn't mind if they battered an eyelid,' said Morbid. ‘They're delicious.'

‘I'm afraid we'll have to make do with human
food,' said Mordonna. ‘At least while we're in public. Of course, back up in our rooms it's a different matter.'

‘Umm, yes, I've already had a bit of a problem with that,' said Merlinmary. ‘My room's got a thing called a spa bath with all these jets of water and bubbles, and when I put my late night snacks in it to keep them fresh, it sucked all their legs off. Green Patagonian Newts without their legs are disgusting.'

‘I'll see if I can make a Newt-Legs-Out-Of-Spa-Jets-Retrieval-Device,' said Winchflat. ‘I brought my tools with me just in case. Then we could stick them back on with my Underwater-Newtral-Adhesive.'

‘And just to be on the safe side, I've told the manager that we'd rather not have the maid go and tidy our rooms up every day,' said Mordonna. ‘Humans can get very funny about amphibians and spiders.'

‘Good idea, Mother,' said Valla. ‘I hate to think what the maid would do if she saw the Giant
Leeches floating in
my
bath – not to mention the three sheep I've got in the wardrobe to feed them with.'

The Hulberts, who had been looking forward to lunch, had gone rather white while the Floods discussed their snacks, and decided to have salad instead of cutlets. Baby Hulbert, Claude, who had just begun to walk in that strange way that toddlers do,
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was sitting under the dining table sharing a bone with Satanella. They both knew that anything green, unless it was meat with bacteria living on it, should be left growing in the ground and never put in your mouth or even on your dinner plate.

The waiter took it all in his stride when he asked the Floods how they would like their steaks and they said ‘alive'.

‘Just tell the chef to walk past the oven with them on a plate,' said Nerlin. ‘In fact, it would be better if he ran past the oven … or perhaps you could just bring the cow in here and we'll help ourselves.'

‘And I'll have mine without the meat,' said Valla.

‘I'm terrible sorry, sir,' said the waiter. ‘I didn't realise sir was a vegetarian.'

If he hadn't already been whiter than a bleached skeleton, Valla would have paled at hearing the V word.

‘Oh my goodness, no, no,' he said. ‘I meant just bring me a cup of cow's blood.'

Mrs Hulbert turned as pale as Valla and was very relieved when Mordonna suggested that from now on the two families should probably eat at separate tables.

‘Because we might need to sneak a few things in to spice up the food,' said Mordonna. ‘I mean, humans might think chocolate pudding and ice-cream is wonderful, but us wizards need to add a few delicacies and flavour enhancers to make it edible.'

‘I don't want to ask you what sort of delicacies,' said Mrs Hulbert, ‘but I can't help myself.'

‘Funny, isn't it?' said Mordonna. ‘One thing that wizards and humans have in common is an
irresistible fascination with things that make you feel sick.'

‘So what sort of things do you put in the ice-cream?' Ffiona asked.

‘Well, my favourite is woodlice,' said Betty. ‘You should try it, Ffiona. You've no idea how much better caramel sauce tastes when there are things wriggling in it.'

‘Not to mention the excitement of trying to spear them before they run away,' Morbid added.

‘Mind you,' said Satanella from under the table, ‘I quite like potatoes with my pudding, but I suppose that's because I come from Potato Patches.'
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‘Not sure about the “pota” bit,' said Merlinmary, ‘but I like toes.'

Mr Hulbert tried to shut out the conversation by humming to himself, but when one of Betty's wriggly things escaped from her plate and crawled
up his sleeve, no amount of humming could help. He dropped his spoon in his jelly and custard and ran out of the dining room.

‘He's probably got one of those tummy bugs I was reading about,' said Mordonna. ‘The travel magazine said people often get them on holiday.'

‘Tummy bugs?' said Betty. ‘They sound tasty. I wonder where you buy them.'