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“You do know, don’t you?” He pushes his hair from his eyes and I’m pulled to him, starved for human connection. “Where did you come from?”

I let out a short, sharp laugh. I don’t know the answer to his question, not anymore. Everything I thought was right is wrong and I’m left with nothing.

“What’s funny?” he asks quieter.

“Nothing.”  I look to the tent where Mom surely lies rubbing her hands together in worry, half expecting to see her face poke from the tent flap, waving me back. But the canvas tent is still, so I speak. “Look, I don’t know where I come from, but I know where I need to go. I need to follow my Mom. She thinks we belong with The Light, with the prophet.”

I don’t explain that I’m curious to see this human battery for myself, that maybe Mom’s right; maybe we’re supposed to be there. Maybe there’s a reason my hand flickers with light, unravels ropes, cures my headache. Maybe I have a purpose bigger than anything I’ve been led to believe.

I’m holding out hope that maybe there is a reason for all that’s taken place.

“So she’s a believer?”

“She wants to believe in a purpose.”

“And you?”

Not wanting to explain the reason why I want to get to The Light, I look up at the night sky, twinkling stars casting a blanket over the enormity of the universe. “I don’t know, I mean it sounds dumb, but I want a chance to see the world, there are so many parts I’ve missed.” I look away, feeling exposed by a person I know I’ll never see again once we reach The Light. “But more than all that, I don’t want to lose her, too. So this will have to be adventure enough.”

“You’re a good daughter, Lucy. No, I mean it,” he adds, when I immediately roll my eyes, knowing I’m not being entirely forthright. “Most kids would just leave, strike out on their own. You’re different, you stay. Your mom’s lucky. And look, I won’t mention ditching your mom again, okay?”

His words are a heart-salve, helping to mend my broken parts. He notices me in a way my family never has.

I walk to the tent and turn my head just before ducking into the entrance.

“Good night, Charlie. Good night, Lucky.”

Charlie looks at me, “Good night, Lucy, Lady of the Light.”

I don’t know what that means, but I do know sleeping will be miserable. My mind is filled with a strange cowboy smiling at me, mixed with images of dead men with blood-stained shirts, and the people I love lying beneath an apple tree. I pull the sleeping bag over my chest and turn my body towards Mom. She snores in her sleep, oblivious of my worry, and I wonder how we made it out alive. 

I close my eyes, soothed by the light that fills me when my eyelids shut, lulling me to sleep, releasing me from the darkness of the day.

****

My legs are sore in the morning when I wake, but Mom and Charlie both insist I ride with Lucky anyway. I know not to argue with Mom, so instead I find myself wincing at the tenderness of my thighs. We eat a breakfast and later a lunch, of jerky and blackberries, picking the juicy fruit as we travel along what was once a highway. Mom gives me handfuls while I try to stay steady on the saddle as the hours slowly pass. Charlie tells us we’re headed to a dock where we’d have to wait for The Light to meet us. He says it could be a few hours, but he’s heard of some people waiting a week for them to come to shore.

I don’t ask any questions, I just want to get there. Traveling is hard, and I haven’t had a chance to recover from my fainting spell. My body hasn’t stopped in days. The night air sets in and the temperature drops, and just as I’m ready to ask to stop for a rest, I see it again.

The sound, with sun glinting off the water making a patchwork of color, just like the kaleidoscope I see when I close my eyes tight, takes all the weariness of travel away in one fell swoop. The oranges and purples of the setting sun trump the greens and blues of the deep sea. My breath catches as I pull Lucky to a stop, wanting this moment to last.

I think of my embroidery hoop, how my thread-woven sun pales in comparison to this splendor. Charlie stops near Lucky and me. I have a sudden urge to let go of the reins and grab a hold of his hand, longing to share this moment with someone.

I look back towards the sun and see at the bottom of the steep hill, a single boat rocking at the waters edge.

“Look,” I say, pointing. “Is that them?” I turn to Charlie, not wanting him to confirm that our journey is over.

“Yeah, that’s one of their boats. You guys need to get to them, quick, before they leave.” I swear there’s a hint of disappointment in his voice, but he doesn’t say anymore.

“You won’t go down with us?” Mom asks.

“I don’t mix well with them.”

Mom doesn’t wait, she hoists her bag high on her shoulders, ready to run down to the boat. “We’re going,
now
. Lucy, come on, we need to hurry.”

Mom sets her eyes with resolve, and I know she believes this is the best choice.

“I know, Mom. I know.” Charlie may have another way, but it isn’t the way I’m going, I’m following my mother.

“Thank you, Charlie.” Mom pats his hand. “I know I haven’t said much, but I am grateful. You saved us when you didn’t have to. I didn’t know if I could trust you, but I can see you’re a man of your word.” She starts walking down the hill, not wasting another second to get to The Light.

Charlie reaches out his hand to help me get off Lucky. I don’t resist, I take hold of him and jump down. My heart falls as our fingers touch. I don’t want to let go, not with his calloused hand wrapped around mine tight, holding onto me in a way no one else ever has.

“Be safe, Lucy,” he whispers.

              I’m scared to breathe, scared to let go, because then I’ll have to follow Mom into the unknown. I haven’t known Charlie longer than three days, but it feels like I know him more than the people I spent sixteen years with on the compound.

He laces his fingers with mine and I wonder if this is the moment I’d been unknowingly waiting for. A cowboy coming to save me from myself. I look down at our hands, knowing I can’t indulge in this fantasy any longer. I have to follow Mom. She saved me from the death my father chose for me. I owe her my life.

“If you ever get a chance, come find me. Our group is just a few miles from here.” He points east. “If you go that way, there are markers along the trail. You’ll find us. Just ask for me at
Safe House Four
.”

              I nod my head, committing his words to memory, wondering what he sees in me, but knowing it doesn’t matter because I’m leaving. “Good-bye, Charlie.” I let go of his hand.

“I think you’re right, I think you’re supposed to go there.”

I squint, confused, wanting to ask why, but Mom calls for me again, and I know she is the one I must follow. I’m all she has left.             

              “I have to go,” I say, turning away, telling myself to not look back.

              I run down the hill as the sun fades past the water and disappears. The world turns dark and as I near the water, it’s hard to see them.

But then I do, out of the darkness I see The Light.

chapter eleven

I
didn’t know what to expect, Charlie didn’t say anything about them on our trek. Every time I started to ask a question, he seemed to avoid my words, instead he’d point out an indigenous plant or make a comment on the weather. Mom wasn’t much help either, only knowing fragments about this group before the blackout.

So I don’t expect the hallowed greeting. Melodious voices float around the water and wrap around me as my feet land on the dock, a few step behind Mom.

There’s a boat tied to the pier, and although it would normally be impossible to see in the dark, there’s a lantern hanging from the stern, showing me where the voices are coming from. A dozen women in white robes stand on the top deck of the boat, holding lights in their hands, like candles, but the glow doesn’t waver. Focusing, I realize they hold flashlights.

“The One who has made us, has made us more full.

Adding to our numbers, making us more whole.”

The small gathering on the dock is composed mostly of men, but there’s also a girl, about the same age as me, holding the hand of a child. The younger girl clings to her. I look to Mom for direction, after all this is her plan for our salvation.

Mom is hunched over, her light pack now heavy from four days of walking. I know if given the chance, we’ll both crumble, but we have a few more steps to take before we can be vulnerable. After travelling all this way, there’s no room for doubt.

Besides, there’s nothing to doubt anyways. If The Light were a cruel place, Charlie would have refused to bring us. He let us choose and followed our wishes. After he put his life on the line with the thugs to save Mom; I don’t think he would deliver us to the hands of evil. As we stand inches from their dock, a man comes towards us.

“We are The Light, here tonight to take with us anyone willing to commit themselves to our cause: bringing the world back to its former glory, as prophesized in our sacred texts.” He stands as tall as Mom but pristine in his white robe, a golden cord wrapped around his waist. “We have another woman and her sister entering our fold this evening. Are you to join us as well, as we journey to the Refuge?”

“What do we have to do to join? We don’t know anything about your prophecy, I only know you existed before the blackout, and you take women and children,” Mom says. I’m curious to know how she can speak so clear, remain so calm. Why does this prospect not terrify her?

“I understand your hesitation, but you came here, a long journey I suspect.” He motions to our backpacks. “You followed the path, arriving here on faith that we, The Light, could offer you more than you have. I ask you, did you see any other women or children on your journey?”

“No, none,” Mom answers.

“That is because they’ve all joined with us or died. We’re here to protect those unable to do so themselves. Now I will ask you this, did anyone try to hurt or harm you on your journey?”

“Yes.” I see pain in Mom’s eyes as she answers.

“Then one last question, before you decide your own destiny. Were you delivered to The Light by someone?”

Mom nods her head yes, not knowing where this is going.

“Was this a person you knew before you started your journey?”

“No, I’d never seen him in my life,” Mom says, and I don’t correct her by saying he came to the compound on his horse. I’m curious where this is going.

“Are you’re sure it was not a messenger, a spirit guide from The Light, directing you here?” he asks.

“No, I’m not sure. He just appeared and helped us when we needed him.” Mom shakes her head in disbelief. “Are you saying he was an angel?”

“Angels aren’t a part of The Light’s doctrine.”

I look up the hill, trying to find Charlie, but the dark conceals him and Lucky. I want to see him so I can point him out and say, he’s no secret messenger, just a boy who held my hand and whispered in my ear. But he’s disappeared in the night and I wonder if it was too good to be true. A cowboy riding up, saving us from a near death, carrying me on his horse all this way to a dock in the middle of nowhere, with a boat waiting to take us to safety.

“And you won’t hurt us?” Mom asks, her single-minded focus is on getting us,
me
, somewhere safe.

“No, we have all the food, shelter, and safety you need. All that and more.”

“And in return?” she asks.

“We ask you give yourself in mind, body, and spirit. You will see, as thousands have before you, it’s easy to believe when you meet the Nobleman, and witness the gift he is to the world.”

Mom doesn’t ask any more questions; instead she takes my arm declaring, “We will join.”

I don’t argue, because Charlie is gone, and where would we go? We have no food, our bodies are broken, and staying here on the dark shore alone will ensure our demise. I’m not ready to die. I haven’t seen enough sunsets along the water and I have not held enough hands. I’ve only begun to live.

We follow the man to the end of the dock, towards the still singing voices. He tells us they came here to pick up supplies from another boat, and that they were about to leave. We got here just in time. They pat us down, in search of weapons before we get in the large steel boat, behind the other woman and the girl.

Benches rim the interior of the ship and the man instructs us to sit. Crates full of cartons and boxes, the supplies he mentioned, surround us. This space could hold a hundred people but there’s just the four of us. On the other end of the boat three men stand, one of them is the man who greeted us. The boat echoes with the vibrations of the voices overhead.

Mom and I stay close to the other woman and the child, though there are three of them and four of us, I feel outnumbered by the men. The voices above continue to sing as the ship begins to move. Then the man clasps his hands and bows his head, the other men follow. After a moment in silence, they raise their heads, simultaneously.

“My name is Humbleman Discernment, a follower of The Light. Bringing new recruits to the fold this evening is an honor. We will travel forty minutes before we arrive at the island where our Refuge is located. Once we disembark the boat you will be led to a cleansing chamber, where you will be washed of all you bring with you.”

This requirement reminds me of all the sanitizing I had to do when I entered the compound after being outside. The sunset I saw with Charlie is just like the apple blossoms, needing to be cleansed from my memory. Every time I experience something real, my heart needs to be doused. Sanctified by the rinsing, washing away the parts of me most alive.

“After you’ve cleaned yourselves and are dressed in new attire, you will be given a vocational test and fed. According to your test results you’ll be partnered with a Vessel who’s been with us for some time. That is the best way to teach you your new way of life.”

I look at Mom, terrified of being separated from her. The young girl next to me has more fear in her eyes than I do.

“Can’t I stay with Basil?” she asks. 

              “What is your name?” Humbleman Discernment asks.

“I’m Hana and this is my big sister Basil,” she says.

“Hana, it’s important to do as you’re told, and remember you will meet another girl soon who will show you where to go and what to do.”

Basil puts her arm around Hana, and I see a tight line form across her mouth, holding back the words she wants to say.

“I assure you the Refuge will be most welcoming. It will be different, yes, but in all good ways.” When he finishes speaking he finds a seat with the men on the other side of the boat. They are far enough away not to hear us, so I feel free to speak.

“I don’t want to be split up, Mom. What if they do something to you?” I ask, out of the corner of my mouth.

“We’ll be fine. Do you hear those voices above us? Nothing so beautiful can be bad.”

I want to agree with her, but I think of the sunset tonight and how beautiful it was, and how sixteen years ago that same sky filled with darkness and death. Looking over at Basil, it’s clear her eyes question everything. Mom refuses to think about the fact that we just gave ourselves up to strangers, but Basil’s caution tells me I’m not alone in feeling uncertain. Basil’s big dark eyes meet mine and she gives me a small smile. Her straight black hair falls to her shoulders, strands tucked behind her ears. She wears a tank top in the chilly September air, and I wish I had another coat to offer. The girls have no packs with them … nothing. I look at my feet where my pack lies, not that they will do any good now. I should have let Charlie rifle through them in case he could find something useful.

“I’m Basil,” she says, sticking her hand out at me. “And you are?”

“Lucy,” I say, looking at the men who’ve now turned to one another in discussion, no longer concerned with us. “Where do you come from?”

“I come from the great beyond,” she says in a spooky voice, raising her eyebrows. “Seriously though, I don’t come from anywhere worth mentioning. What about you?”

“The same.”

“Anyways, like I said, I’m Basil, I mean, for now. I’m hoping my Light name will be something with a little more zing. Like ‘Saucy’ or ‘Salty’.”

“Name for what?”

“Name for The Light. Once you’re theirs, you get a cool new name. Like that guy, Discernment.”

“Like a virtue?” I ask.

“I guess, I heard of a girl who was Jennifer and then when she joined she became Transparency. You know, because things were
so transparent
when she decided to hop on the boat. Whatever, it’s just something they pull out of the sky to make the women feel special.”

“I think there’s got to be more to it,” I snap back. My face must reveal my freaked-out-feelings about getting my name stolen because she laughs.

“Look, I’m not laughing at you, it’s just, we’re a couple of half-starving teenagers who’ve been living in the wilderness our entire lives. We eat food over fire pits, have dads and brothers who’ve died and left us fending for ourselves, and we got desperate enough to join the only thing in the world that can keep us alive. That thing happens to be a freaky-name-making-up cult. That. Is. Funny.”

“It’s not funny to me.” My defense is up, but I’ve never met another teenage girl and I don’t know what to make of her.

“Well, Lucy, I hate to break it to you, but the alternative it pretty grim.”

“And what’s that?”

“Have such a stick-up-your-ass that when the Naming Ceremony comes along you get stuck with the name Prude.”

              I can’t help but laugh, it doesn’t matter how overwhelmed with fear I am. Basil’s funny, in a brutally honest way. Hana closes her eyes and Basil tucks her hand in hers.

“So, you ready to be married off?” She smirks. “Ready to meet your man?”

“I don’t know what you mean….” I look over at Mom, her eyes are closed too, but I know she’s listening.

“That’s what everyone says. That the people in The Light are polygamists, that’s why they want all the girls and no guys.” Basil lowers her voice, “Yeah, you could end up with Humbleman Discernment. Or worse, we both could.”

She giggles when my hand flies to my mouth, in shock.

“You’re joking.” I insist. There’s no way I’m getting married at sixteen.

“Hey, maybe it’s all vicious rumors from the outside. The Light’s pretty tight lipped, but that’s what everyone says. I swear.”

“Yeah, maybe,” I answer, scared to ask what else she’s heard. I shake my head confused by what Basil says, but also realizing people my age are better to spend time with than the Diane’s of the compound.

“We’ll be fine, let’s just stick together, okay?”

“Okay.” Someone wanting to stick with me is a pretty rare thing. It feels good. “Honestly, Basil, I’ve never had a friend … ever.”

“Most people our age haven’t. In this world nothing’s permanent, at least you have your mom.”

I nod. I do have Mom; she’s someone I can hold on to.

“You have your sister,” I say. Hana looks peaceful resting her head on Basil’s shoulder.

“I’ll do anything for her. She’s my everything.” Basil says this with force, as though she wants to prove to me her sincerity with each syllable. I believe her.

“I’ve never had a sister.” My voice cracks, revealing my vulnerability.

“I’ll be your sister then, I’m good at that.” She tilts her head to the side, towards Hana, smiling at me with her big black eyes.

“That’s so….” my words catch, unsure how to thank someone for caring before they know me. First Charlie, now Basil, and I did nothing to garner their affection, I’ve never been around people who treated me this way.

“Don’t say anything, Lucy. We girls gotta stay together, okay? I’ll stick with you, always.” I believe Basil’s words, because she grabs my hand and locks my finger with hers saying, “I pinky-swear.”

I don’t know what a pinky-swear is, but it’s enough for me. “Pinky-swear.” We laugh, as the boat jolts to a stop.

Humbleman Discernment stands, and asks us all to exit, leaving our bags on the floor.