FLAME (Spark Series) (18 page)

“I wish I could think like that.”

“Well, it’s different for everyone. I have a great mother, an amazing role model. You didn’t even have that.”

I sigh.

It makes me think about my life path, and if I can really see myself in college. I think about it for a bit, thinking maybe I need to start thinking about my own future more. I mean, I can’t be a bartender forever. No one will tip an old lady with saggy boobs, after all.

I continue telling him about my parents. I go deeper into my memory than I’ve ever let myself go before. And because he asks, I tell him the Christmas story. I even tell him a couple happy ones that I vaguely remember.

I’m wrapped in his arms, and I don’t ever want the night to end. The evening is just so special and different that I hardly feel like myself, but in a way, I feel better, more confident and secure.

For the next couple days, Drew brings the rest of his belongings over. It feels nice to see his stuff around the apartment. Ever since Velaney moved out, it’s felt empty and lonely.

I try not to think of the upcoming weeks. I know his graduation is approaching soon, but I try to block it out of my mind. I want to enjoy Drew as long as I have him.

19

“Since I’m working tonight, why don’t you and your friends come in and visit me?” I plead, bending over the breakfast bar as I watch him effortlessly move around in the kitchen. He insists on making me breakfast every morning. Although, I’m not really a fan of his British traditions, I sure do enjoy the show. “There’s a darts and pool tournament.”

“I’m sure they’ll be down for that. They like any reason to get pissed anyway.” He shrugs playfully. “And bet their parents’ money away.” He grins.

“Good, it’ll give me something to stare at all night.” I grin.

He clasps a hand to his chest. “I’m starting to feel like you only want me for my looks.”

“Well, that’s how this relationship goes. You’re to stand next to me and look pretty.”

“Glad to know where we stand.”

I laugh out loud. I’ve never been this comfortable around someone before. All the easy bantering, the deep conversation, and desperate need to always be around one another—I’m beginning to think I really might have fallen,
hard.

I’m jittery as I begin my shift at the bar. Knowing Drew is coming in excites me, and even though I just saw him right before I left, I’m already anticipating seeing him again.

“Well, you’re cheerful tonight,” Julia says, giving me an odd look.

“Yes, and your point? I can’t be cheerful?” I ask, almost offended.

She continues studying me before replying. “Yeah…there’s definitely something wrong with you. You never come into work this happy. You sometimes
leave
work this happy, but rarely do you come into work like this.” She smirks with her hands on her hips.

“Drew’s staying with me for now. I love getting to see him more.” Her eyebrows raise but she stays silent. “Yes, I know he’s leaving soon. Don’t give me that look,” I snap.

She puts her hands up in defense. “Didn’t say a word. But…as long as you know what you’re getting yourself into…” she lingers off.

I
know
, but I am
not
allowing myself to think about it. Ignorance is bliss, right? Well, that’s the motto I’m using for now.

Shortly after, the bar picks up, while teams begin forming for both tournaments. I hear a parade of squeaky girls and roll my eyes.

Julia and I work side by side as we help serve customers. She’s been acting awfully strange lately, so  I decide to interrogate her for once.

“So anything new in the Winston area?”

She huffs before responding. “We broke up.”

I slam the glass down that I was holding in my hand. “What? And you didn’t tell me?”

“And burst your happy bubble? No way.”

“Juls, you can tell me anything. No matter what mood I’m in. Plus, this gives us an excuse to indulge in a pint of ice cream and watch girl power chick flicks all night.” I grin.

“Girl power?” she asks confused.

“Yeah, you know…girls who are all badass and take no prisoners.” I smile, hoping it makes her laugh.

She does. And I smile again.

“C’mon, spill it now.”

I grab a few dirty glasses and put them in the dishwasher as I watch her. She looks sad as she begins talking.

“We were just on very different paths,” she begins. Winston is seven years older than her, so I had a gut feeling this would happen eventually. “He was talking about all this finding himself shit, and that’s why he didn’t want us to have sex for a while. He said we needed to work on our relationship, and when I laughed, he got kind of upset. I agreed to it, thinking it wouldn’t last long, but after six months, I started to second guess my feelings for him.”

I shoot out a laugh. “Find himself? Sounds like he’s going on a self-journey that has no room for a girlfriend, hun.”

“I know, that’s kind of what I said, too.” She grabs a few bottles from the cooler and tosses them to the customer in front of her.

“Well, then I guess it’s best for you in the end. Now you can find someone more on the same page as you.”

“Right. I agree.” She smiles, taking the guy’s money and thanking him for the tip. “I’m just sad because we spent the last year together, but six months in, it got really awkward and strange. Almost felt forced.”

“Well, let the happy-go-sappy-girl tell you this…don’t settle just because you think it’s the best you can do. There are
lots
of fish in the sea.” I wink at her, making her laugh again.

“It’s fine, really. I know it’s for the best anyway.”

“Good for you.”

“This is weird, ya know?
You
giving
me
relationship advice?” She chuckles.

“Hey, I turned over a new leaf. Or whatever the hell the saying is, but anyway, I feel changed. Better, actually.”

“Good. I like the
new
and
improved
Carissa.”

“Yeah, well, I doubt she’s here to stay,” I mumble. Before Julia can speak again, Drew and his college buddies appear in front of us.

“Hey, you guys made it!” I smile wide, giddy even.
Oh my god, it’s ridiculous how happy I get whenever I see him.

“Of course. I couldn’t get these wankers here fast enough. They can’t wait to kick some arse in pool.”

“Dude!” One of the guys smacks his hand on his shoulder. “It’s ass! Say it with me. ASS.”

I laugh because I love Drew’s accent, but it’s easy to see they love to give him a hard time.

“…is what I’m about to kick if you don’t get off me,” Drew threatens playfully.

I interrupt their little banter as Julia makes her way next to me, obviously eager for introductions.

“So, this is Julia,” I say to his friends who are drooling across from us.

“This is Landon, Zen, and Seth.”

“Zen?” I ask out loud.

Landon and Seth laugh as Drew explains. “Nickname. I’ll tell you later.”

I chuckle as I can only imagine. “Okay.”

“Well, if you boys want to prove you’re really men, here are the signup sheets for the tournaments,” Julia interrupts, suddenly in a much better mood. She slams the sheets down and holds out a pen.

“Hell yeah!” Seth grabs the pen and begins writing their names down.

Julia passes me briefly, slowing down to whisper in my ear. “So hot.”

I laugh silently as she continues her walk to the other end of the bar to assist more customers.

“Good luck, guys. Kick some ass,” I cheer playfully.

“Don’t you want to play?” I ask Drew since he hasn’t moved.

“And leave the most beautiful girl in the world alone? I think not.”

I cock my hip out and sigh at him. “You can admire from afar if you wish. But go play. Have a good time. I have to grab boxes and stock anyway.”

He stands up and leans over, motioning for a kiss. I meet him half way, letting our PDA be well-known.

I let Julia know I’ll be in the basement for a few and to cover for me. She nods as I make my way out.

I stack the boxes in the backroom, organizing them so I only grab the ones I need first. I’m in a cheerful mood, and nothing can bring me down right now.

“Carissa?” I hear someone’s voice by the bar.

Julia and I swing around at the same time.
I gasp in shock as I take in the man in front of me—tall, older, and attractive. Even more attractive than I remember.

“H-oly shit,” I mutter so only Julia can hear me. I’m frozen in place as my eyes bulge out of my head.
This cannot be happening.

“I thought it was you,” he says, leaning casually on the bar.

I swallow, hardly able to grasp seeing him again.

“Um, hi. It’s been a long time.” I walk closer so I don’t look like an anti-social nutcase. I stiffen as I get a hint of his scent,
Old Spice.

“Yeah…five years or so?.”

I nod along with him. “Yeah, I guess.” I fake a smile.

This is awkward.
So awkward.

I spot Drew coming up behind him, patting his shoulder as he meets up with us at the bar.

So fucking awkward
.

“Mr. Brox, you came,” Drew exclaims.

“Of course. I need to teach my students one more lesson before the end of the year.” He grins.

“Um…teach? You’re their teacher?” I ask, putting the pieces together.

“Yeah, Mr. Brox is the best professor. I actually learned about American culture and history in his class,” Drew explains, sitting directly next to him.

History professor…of course.

I bite my cheek, lip, and tongue. I don’t know how the hell this can be happening. I don’t know what to say or how to explain how I know them both to each other, but this just went from awkward to an uncomfortable fucked up coincidence.

“You must come here a lot if you know the bartenders by name,” Mr. Brox teases, grilling for information.

“No.” Drew laughs nervously as if he’s being busted for not being at home studying. “Carissa’s my girlfriend.”

Mr. Brox had just taken a drink of his beer and simultaneously spits it out the second he hears Drew.

I immediately grab a towel and begin wiping it up.

“I’m so sorry. You just caught me totally off guard,” Mr. Brox apologizes profusely.

Drew looks between us with a confused look. His heads jerks back and forth, and it’s like a light bulb goes on.
He knows.

“Oh my god…” He looks at me with a stricken look.

I exhale loudly. “Yeah,” I answer his silent question.

“Well, this just got uncomfortable,” Mr. Brox says, grabbing for his beer and standing up. “It was nice seeing you again, Carissa.” He nods and turns his attention to Drew. “I’ll let you guys play, I’m going to head out.”

I’m surprised that Drew isn’t grilling into me, asking me a hundred questions about how I could’ve possibly slept with his professor. He’s aware of my past, and I love that he has never made me feel bad about it.

“I had no idea—”

“I know. It’s fine. I never expected to see him again. He used to live in my hometown,” I explain.

“Well, he’s a really awesome teacher. I can see why you’d…” He pauses and swallows deeply. “…find interest in him.”

I breathe out again in relief. “I can tell you…if you want.”

He thinks for a moment before responding. “No…it’s not really my business. I mean, if you want to, I’ll always listen. But don’t feel that you have to. I’m not one of those crazy jealous boyfriends who goes around kicking every guy’s arse who has ever touched you.”

Julia steps in and interrupts with a laugh. “That’s good. Otherwise you’d be getting in a lot of fights.”

I turn and scowl at her. “Go. Away.”

She looks between Drew and I before stepping back. “Oops.”

I fold my arms on top of the bar and let my head collapse on top. This night…could it get any worse?

“Doll, it’s okay. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Don’t feel bad,” he soothes, rubbing a hand over my hair.

I stand back up, smooth my apron with both hands and grab the towel again. “Okay, back to work then.”

20

“I kinda like having you here,” I tease as I watch him clean.

“Feet up,” he orders as he brings the vacuum underneath my legs. I’m sitting on the sofa, reading a Cosmo magazine. “Anything informative in there?” he quips, nodding to the magazine.

“As a matter of fact…there are quite a lot of interesting things in here. Lots of…ideas.” I smirk, looking up into his baby blues.

He laughs a deep, hearty laugh. “I can show you a lot more interesting things than that magazine
ever
could .”

“Really?” I plant my feet back down. “I call a challenge, then.”

He snaps the vacuum back up, turning it off. “Challenge accepted.”

Drew’s down to one more week before he leaves. He only has finals left before graduation, so I took the week off work. I want to spend as much time with him as possible, and when we aren’t rolling around naked in the sheets, I help him study for his exams.

“It’s going to involve some planning, so I need a few days.”

“Planning? Hm.” I pretend to ponder over it. “I like the sound of that.”

“Trust me. You will.”

I breathe slowly, needing to get this off my chest. “Can I talk to you about Mr. Brox? I won’t if it’ll bother you, but I feel like I owe you an explanation of some sort.”

“You don’t owe me anything. But if you want, I’ll gladly listen.” He sits down next to me, and I turn so we’re face to face.

“Okay, well, he was my 12th grade history teacher. When I was in school, I was focused. I did my best to leave my family life at home because school was really like a second home. Being there meant I didn’t have to be at home. So, Mr. Brox was like the hottest teacher in school. He was really cool and down to Earth, really relatable in class. I could feel the sexual tension between us, but I was a naïve eighteen year old who was still a virgin. I started doing bad when my parents were constantly fighting, making it impossible to study. He noticed. And so one day he asked me to stay after class to discuss my poor test grade and well one thing led to another…”

“He took advantage of you?” His voice is sharp and filled with concern as he reaches out for me.

“No, not at all. I mean, I didn’t think so…”

“How could he not? You were only 18, and he was like what, ten years older and your teacher?”

“Yeah…but we kind of had a fling for the rest of the semester.”

“Okay…” He nods. “So then what?”

“Nothing, really. I graduated, left home, and haven’t seen him since.
Well, except at the bar. That’s why it was such a shock.”

He taps his foot as he continues thinking. I’m not sure why I felt the need to tell Drew this particular story, considering I haven’t told him much about any other guy.

“Mr. Brox was my first,” I explain, breaking his thoughts. “He’s really the first guy who I was ever attracted to, and who made me feel good about myself. Perhaps too good…” I look down, ashamed.

He cups my face, aligning our eyes once again. “It’s okay.”

“Why do you keep saying that? Why is everything I’ve done okay with you? Doesn’t any of this affect you? Don’t you care?” I end up yelling the last question at him, unwillingly. Anger at myself takes over. I’m ashamed and mad at myself, so why isn’t he?

“Because you were young. You
are
young. You’re going to make a lot of mistakes, Carissa. And I’m sorry to get all—
what do you say
—Dr. Phil on you, but your past warrants your behavior. You were a neglected, verbally abused child. You sought out the first person who showed you love. You didn’t know any better.”

This is the first time it’s ever been laid out for me like this. Is that what I was? A neglected, unloved child? Is it really a good enough reason to be the way I am?

“So, if I’m so damaged, what did
you
ever see in me? Was I a stereotypical case study for you?” I ask sincerely.

“I didn’t know you well enough at first to make that conclusion. Fucking hell, I’m still getting to know you after all these months. You’re like a damn onion…I have to peel back your layers one by one.”

“I’m really messed up, aren’t I?” I lay back on the sofa, closing my eyes. Drew is the only person, besides Velaney, who I’ve let get this close to me.

“Well, you’re less messed up than before I met you.” He grins, trying to make me laugh.

And I do. “Have I told you how happy I am that I met you?”

He shrugs casually. “I wouldn’t mind hearing it again.”

We laugh as he lunges toward me, holding me in his arms. “I’m going to miss that laugh.” He brushes some of my hair back, twirling it around my ear. “And your smile. I don’t know how I’m going to wake up every morning without your awful morning breath.”

“Just when I thought you were being sentimental and romantic…”

“I do what I can, Doll. If I feed you cheesy lines all the time, you’re going to get a big head about yourself.” He laughs, playfully nibbling my neck. “And we can’t have that, can we?”

“Oh, how I’m going to miss your antics,” I pout. “And that ass. That sweet, tight ass.”

“This arse?” He stands up and points to it. He teasingly shakes it in my face and rubs all over me.

“Oh my god! I love you!” I blurt out, my eyes widen suddenly. “Oh, shit.”

He freezes, looking at me. I still hadn’t said it back to him, although I’ve wanted to, but I’ve held off. I guess I thought maybe if I didn’t say it, him leaving would be easier on me, but then it just came out.

“I mean.” I clear my throat. “I love your ass.” I try to redeem myself, but it’s useless. I can tell by his stupid grin that he knows I meant it.

“Doll.” He brings his face to mine as he kneels in front of me on the sofa. “I love you. You know I do. And I have this gut feeling that you do, too. So, whether you’re ready to say it or not say it, it’s fine. Because I already know.”

I can’t look away from him no matter how hard I want to or how embarrassed I feel. I smile and let his hands grab mine, soothing me.

“I do,” I say quietly. “I do love you.” I smile, almost in tears at how happy I am. “I love you so much that I thought if I kept it in, I wouldn’t be so brokenhearted when you leave,” I say honestly.

He rubs his thumb under one of my eyes, wiping the tear that escaped. “Come visit me,” he blurts out. “This doesn’t have to be goodbye. There’s no reason why you can’t fly out with me.”

I groan. “There’s like a million reasons.”

“Name one,” he challenges.

“Well, for starters, it’s just going to prolong the heartbreak. If I see you in London, and then come back home, what am I left with? Maybe I’ll see you soon? Maybe we can make a long distance relationship work? Why not just cut the cord right away and heal?”

I hate the way it comes out, but it’s been eating at me for weeks. This is exactly why I didn’t bring it up and was glad he hadn’t…before now.

“And how do you know it’s not going to work out? You have a crystal ball hidden somewhere I don’t know about?”

I pout at his words. “Carissa, look at me,” he demands. “We have no guarantees in life. We don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. All I know is that I want
you
to be my future. I want to know I’m going to see you again. And not just via Skype or text message pictures. I want to physically see and feel you, hold you in my arms and kiss you. I don’t want to say goodbye.”

I am crying by the time he finishes. It’s the sweetest, most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever heard, because I
so
want that. I want a future with him. I want to see him again after he leaves. Hell, I don’t want him to leave period, and if it weren’t for his mother and younger siblings not seeing him in four years, I’d beg his sweet ass to stay longer. But I can’t be selfish.

I nod, silently telling him I want all that, too. “Okay. Let’s do this. We can make it work.”

He swarms me in a tight hug, making me cry and giggle at the same time.

“I can’t believe we’re going to do this,” I whisper into his chest.

“We are and we can. I can’t say goodbye to you, Doll. Not after everything. Not after meeting you and being with you. I just can’t. I’ve tried to stay strong because I knew it’s what you needed, but I’m laying it all out there for you. I love you and you love me. We deserve a chance at this.”

“Okay,” is all I say because his mouth soon finds mine and we’re kissing on the couch, like teenagers who just entered puberty. It’s hot and erotic, but soon turns sensual and sweet.

*   *   *

Tonight is the night of Drew’s specially planned
challenge
. He’s taking this awfully serious, but I’m looking forward to it. It’s our last official night together. Tomorrow is his graduation night, where he’ll be saying goodbye to all his frat brothers, and then Sunday afternoon is when he flies out.

I make sure I shave and wax
everything
. I don’t know what kind of kinkiness he has up his sleeve, but I’m preparing myself for anything. I want our last night here to be special and unforgettable.

Carissa:
What time are you coming home?

He’s been at school all day, wrapping up finals and saying goodbye to his professors.

Drew:
Be home at 5. Then I need to pick up some supplies. Be home shortly after that.

Carissa:
Supplies, huh? Please don’t tell me I’ll be hanging from the ceiling in some weird net?

Drew:
I promise nothing. ;)

Carissa:
Great. I’ll get started on my stretches now.

Drew:
See you soon. Love you.

Carissa:
Love you, too.

It feels so weird texting that. Not weird because it’s not true, but weird because I’ve never done it before. Weird because
it’s
true
.

I make sure the apartment is nice and clean as I await his arrival. His luggage and boxes are all stored in Laney’s old room. All that’s left out is a couple of outfits and his manly bathroom necessities. It’s kind of depressing to see it all now, knowing it’s all going to be gone in a couple days.

I decide to set the mood. I light candles and keep the lights dim. I’m not sure what he has in mind, but a girl can want a little romance.

I hear him enter and walk to the door just in time to help him in. He has a couple bags with him, one of which is Chinese takeout.

“I hope you’re hungry.”

“I am…for you,” I tease. “But I’ll settle for Chinese.”

I ask about his day and how his exams went. He flashes a bright smile as he tells me he passed them all. Aced, actually. Go figure. The man has looks
and
a fucking brain.
And I’m not following his ass to London, why?

“I wish I was that smart so I could go to college,” I say making conversation as we eat. “I did good in high school because focusing on homework was what kept me sane when I was home with my parents. But now, I doubt I could focus long enough to remember a thing.”

He shrugs, as if it’s not a big deal. “College isn’t for everyone. Some take a year off before going, some take more. It’s whatever feels right for you.”

I drop my fork and look at him. “Do you always have to make me feel content with my decisions? Why can’t you yell at me and say ‘Yes, get your ass to college, Carissa. It’s what’s best. Do something with your life!’” I mock in a manly voice.

“Well,” he chokes out as soon as I finish. “One: I’m not your father, so it’s not my place to tell you how to live or run your life. Second: College and education are only successful if it’s what you really want. It can’t be forced. Either you want to learn or you don’t,” he says sincerely. “I lost a lot of mates after freshman year. They either dropped out or flunked out. They were there because their parents made them and you could tell it wasn’t really what they wanted.”

“But I think I might like college. I think if I tried and got back into my study groove, I could do it,” I say like a chant.

He smiles and grabs my hand, squeezing lightly. “Yes, you
can
do it. I have no doubt. You’re very smart.”

“I’ve been thinking about it, actually. I’m not sure what I’d study, though.”

“Oh, there are so many options. Some don’t even make up their minds ‘til junior year, so you’d have time to figure it out while you take all your required courses.”

I nod, agreeing with him. “It’s something I’m definitely going to think about.”

We continue talking through dinner. He tells me a little about London and where he grew up. I’m excited that I’ll be able to meet his mother and siblings. I’m really looking forward to visiting the place he’s called home.

“Are you sure you’re ready?” he asks as we clean up the table together. “I haven’t done this before.”

“I’m ready. I trust you.”

We move to the bedroom shortly after. We take the candles with us, giving the bedroom a dimly lit look. He doesn’t tell me what he’s doing yet, just to wait for him on the bed, naked and spread out.