FITNESS CONFIDENTIAL (7 page)

Didn’t matter. I didn’t care.

We started practice and it turned out that I didn’t know a damn thing. In fact, the main piece of coaching I got when I was playing defense was “hit the guy with the ball.” Fair enough. I could do that. And I did it—a lot.

And then something miraculous happened. They posted the starting line up for the first game and I was on it. It was all ninth graders, a couple eighth graders and me.

Parents went batshit. They were furious that some of their kids got passed over so a seventh grader could play. But Lou Latino had my back. He told the parents that I earned my position and their kids didn’t. It was that simple. Some parents grumbled that Lou was showing favoritism to a fellow goombah. “The dago’s got the other dago’s back.”

Lou didn’t give a shit. I was on the team.

Finally, it was time for the pep rally before the first game of the season. The bleachers in the gym were filled with excited, cheering students. One by one, every one of the ninth graders on the starting line-up was introduced and they were met with cheers and applause. Then the couple eighth graders who were on the team. They also got cheers and applause.

And then, finally, me.

Now, you have to understand, everyone at the school hated me. Hated me. I had spent my entire life tortured by these kids. So when I walked out onto the court for them to announce my name, I was prepared for boo’s and catcalls. Instead, something completely unexpected happened.

The seventh graders cheered and gave me a standing ovation, which then prompted the eighth graders to do the same, followed by the ninth graders. Pretty soon, everyone in the school was standing and cheering me. And I stared at them and thought,
but they hate me
.
Why are they doing this
?

In retrospect, all these years later, I realize why.

It was because, for the first time, the seventh graders were being represented on the team and they loved it. It wasn’t so much about me, it was about what I meant for them. And when they went crazy, everyone else in the school followed suit. In a weird sort of way, they were cheering for themselves.

The upshot of this was that, for the first time, they stopped picking on me. Now, if this was a movie like
Rudy
, this would be the last scene and you would leave the theater with your heart leaping and your eyes filled with tears. In reality, I got kicked out of the first game because, after one of the opposing players cheap-shotted me, I took off my oversized helmet and started beating the shit out of him with it. So … not exactly the rousing climax of
Rudy
. But I’d done enough good things in the game up until that point that the coaches let me keep my starting position.

Four games into the season, another miracle happened.

It was almost halftime and we were way ahead. We were trying to put one more TD on the board before the half, and that’s when I shattered my femur after a particularly aggressive tackle. Broke it so badly that, as they carried me off the field, my foot was facing backward. The doctor said that the bone had been broken in so many places that it looked like powder.

When I woke from surgery, I discovered that they’d placed me in a full body cast, all the way up to my armpits. I was immobilized. For eight weeks. And you know what happened while I laid in bed at home?

Girls from school came by to visit and hang out. The local priest stopped by on Sunday to give me communion. The hamburger joint sent hamburgers and a malt. Incredibly, I became one of the most popular guys in school by not being in school. I went from outcast to hero. I went from “Vinna” to “Vinnie.” And it was all because, at the lowest point in my young life, a guy named Jack Lalanne showed me that, by changing my body, I could change myself and the way people reacted to me.

That’s how I knew miracles could happen.

Our body is an amazing thing. It’ll adapt to whatever we do. If we sit on the couch all day long, guess what? Our body will adapt and become large, soft and cushiony … kind of like a couch. But let’s say we spend that couch time on a bicycle. Chances are, over time, our bodies will become lean and sleek … like a bicycle. Even though it seems like a miracle, it’s really not. If you eat properly and exercise, you are going to get in shape. It’s that simple. In fact, it’s physiologically impossible to avoid!

Want to know one of the most common complaints I hear from new clients?

“Vinnie, I’m not even in good enough shape to get into shape!”

Don’t worry about it. Since I’m your personal trainer now, let me ask you a few questions. Do you get out of breath from clicking the buttons on a remote control? Do you only stop eating because the bag of chips is empty and the pantry seems like too far to walk? Ever sleep on the couch because climbing the stairs to your bed looks like an expedition up the Matterhorn? If you answered yes to any (or all) of those questions, you know what you are. A classic couch potato.

Relax. You’re not alone.

Everyone starts somewhere. And I have good news for you. If you’re overweight, out of shape or don’t exercise at all, you’re going to discover that even a little bit of exercise will give you huge benefits. As your trainer, I have one simple goal for you right now.

I want you up off the couch and moving.

I’m not talking about running. I’m not talking about an hour on the elliptical. I just want to see you move a little. You’ll be shocked to discover what a difference simply walking around the block a couple times a day is going to make to your overall health, endurance and flexibility.

At this stage, just getting started is the biggest obstacle you’ll face. A lot of people like to walk with a friend or partner to give them the motivation they need to get out the door. But let’s say you don’t have a friend that fits into your schedule.

How about getting a friend that’s always on your schedule?

If you’re having trouble walking yourself, how about walking a dog? It’s not unusual for people to get a pet to join them in their exercise. Even better, if you get one at the pound, you’re not only saving a few dollars, you’re saving a life—not to mention your health.

But let’s say you’re not ready for dog ownership. How about you borrow one?

Talk to friends and family or put up a sign around the neighborhood asking if anyone has a dog that needs exercise once a day. People will jump at the chance. Anything that gets you up and off that couch is going to start making you feel stronger and more alive. You’ll feel better than you have in years and you’ll start to think that it might be nice to fit into your clothes from a while ago. You know, that ones that are hidden away in the back of the closet.

Congratulations! You’re no longer a Couch Potato!

It’s time to take things to the next level. It’s time to up the exercise program. Walking got us moving but, to really start seeing results, we have to move more. How do we go about doing that? We have to ride a bike in the open air, run across grassy fields, hike up tall mountains, or swim across wide lakes.

And where do we usually go to do all this outdoor activity?

In a small building called a health club.

Now I realize that many of us, me included, rely on health clubs to get our exercise. We don’t all have access to mountains and clean lakes and, even if we do, we don’t always have the time to visit those places. Some of us have local parks we could work out in but, if you don’t have a permit to carry a concealed weapon, they may not be the safest choice.

So, somewhere along the line, after you’ve gotten up off the couch, you’re probably going to find yourself in a gym. And, when you do, I just want to make sure you don’t get screwed.

Chapter Eight

THE BIG SLEEP

So you’ve finally recovered from your New Year’s Eve hangover and now it’s time to make good on those resolutions to get fit, which means you’re probably going to join a gym. But which one? Luigi’s Gym and Pizza Emporium? Probably not. Instead, you’ll find yourself at one of the mega gyms—Bally’s, 24-Hour-Fitness, Equinox, just to name a few.

Here’s what’s going to happen.

You walk in to collect general info on the place. What’s it look like, how much does it cost, what’s the commitment? Your hopes are high and you’re eager to get started on your road to health and sex appeal. The only problem is that you’re an innocent. You think you’ve walked into a fitness center, but what you don’t realize is that you’ve actually walked onto a used car lot, where they’re selling memberships instead of clunkers.

You see that good-looking girl behind the counter? The blonde one with the killer smile who just welcomed you with open arms? She’s stage one of their evil plan. In fact, you’d be hard pressed to find an unattractive male or female behind the desk of any gym. I also dare you to find one older than twenty five. Why? Because youth and sex sells and they want you to look at that person and think
that could be me after a month at this gym
. That’s their sole job, by the way, those people at the front door. They’re the bait. But as soon as you say, “I’m interested in a gym membership,” it’s time for the switch.

They immediately page a sales rep.

The sales reps usually live in the little glass cubicles to the side of the front desk, so that as soon as the perky counter person pages them, they can all look out to size you up. They want to match you with the rep most likely to make you comfortable and get you to sign on the dotted line.

If you’re a black guy, they’re going to send out their black rep. If you’re a woman, they’re most likely going to send out a muscular dude who looks like a soap opera star. If you’re a middle-aged guy, prepare for a hot chick.

Out one of them comes, smile on their face, hand outstretched. You’re supposed to look at them and think
here’s my partner on the road to fitness
but do you know what they really are?

Salespeople. Hardcore salespeople.

You might tell them you’re looking at a few gyms in the area and they’re going to tell you how great that is and promise to give you directions to the other gyms when you’re done. Their goal is to find out your interests and make you think that they share those interests. They want you to believe that after you’ve done thirty minutes on the treadmill, you’ll probably go out together and grab a Guinness.

If you like country music, they’re from Nashville!

If you like fly fishing, they’re going to Montana next weekend and think you should come!

Now that you’re best buddies, they want to show you what they like about the gym. And here’s where they differ from used car salesman—and I know about this because I was one in college. A used car salesman, while you’re taking a test drive, will ask if you’re interested in doing business that day.

This guy won’t.

He’s much smoother because, let’s face it, he’s got to sell you thin air. He doesn’t have a car—hell, there’s not even an actual object on the table. He’s selling you fantasy, and to do it, he’s got to engage in a little theater of the mind. The play he’s performing today is called
The Fountain of Youth
.

So he takes you around, but he doesn’t show you the fitness equipment—not yet—because that will remind you of exercise which seems like work. No, he’s going to show you the spa, the whirlpool, the sauna. He’s trying to paint a picture in your head that you’re not actually joining a gym. What you’re really joining is a country club and you and the beautiful people around you will soon be taking a soak together while sipping lime spritzers.

While this is happening, he’s asking you questions.

He wants to know what sports you might have played in high school. If you played football, he’s got some free-weights he wants to show you.

If you were a swimmer, just wait till you see their Olympic-sized pool!

If you played golf or any other sport that didn’t require strength, there’s some state-of-the-art aerobic equipment for you to check out.

If you were into dance, you have to see their yoga room with wall-to-wall floor mats and mirrors.

If you say you just knifed your entire family, they’ll tell you about their advanced fencing program. What they’re trying to sell you is your past. They want you to look at their gym as a fountain of youth that can send you back to the body you had when you had one.

Hang on. You smell that? That new car smell?

In the car business, that’s called “the ether” and salesmen know that, once you smell it, you’re in the mood to buy. You get woozy. In the gym, they’ve had you “smelling the ether” in the form of all the good-looking people around you, and you’re getting woozy. But maybe you’re not quite there yet, so it’s time to pull out the big guns.

If you’re a guy, the rep is going to walk you behind the hottest girl in the gym as she pumps up and down on the stair machine. And he’s going to give you that look. You know the look. I don’t even need to describe it. It’s a mental high-five.

If you’re a woman, they’ll walk you past the free-weight area next to the guy with the glistening biceps and the tattoo that may or may not have come from prison. Either way, he’s dangerous … and you like it.

In the car business, after they get you to smell the ether, they take you to “the booth.” Once they’ve got you trapped there, they want you to sign on the dotted line before you realize that it’s one of the biggest purchases you will ever make. How do they do this? They never talk about the big numbers—the purchase price and the insurance. Instead, they focus on the smaller numbers—the monthly payments and the “no money down.” They speak in low, unthreatening tones. In New Orleans, we called it “the lullaby” and it was the process we used to “put you to sleep.”

The gym wants to do the same thing.

But the difference between a car dealership and a gym is that, when you buy a car, at least you get to leave in it. You actually own a car. But when you buy a gym membership, all you really have is, well, nothing—except maybe that fly-fishing trip to Montana with your new best buddy and the girl on the Stairmaster.

Now remember, when you started, this guy was only going to show you around and give you some info on the place along with directions to the next gym for you to check out. But he’s got to make the sale. Let’s face it, he just spent the last forty-five minutes with you and he’s got to convert this. He’s got to put you to sleep.

He hasn’t gotten you in the booth yet, so he needs to make that happen in the least threatening way possible. He walks you to the front of the gym as if he’s going to point you in the direction of the other health clubs you said you wanted to check out. But, before he does, he miraculously remembers something.

“You know what …?” he asks.

At this point you’re naturally wondering “What?”

He tells you he just wants to check something in the booth real quick, so he invites you in. He’s mumbling to himself, “Did that end yesterday …?” He flips through some papers, glances at his watch and may even pick up the phone to talk to someone else, like Howie Mandel calling the shadowy banker on
Deal Or No Deal
. He’s going to give a couple “uh-huh, uh-huh’s” and then hang up. Guess what?

Great news!

You are so lucky he remembered to check on this, because there’s an unbelievable membership deal that just expired—but don’t worry. He can extend it. Not for everyone, of course, only for you. Why? Well, because you’re fishing buddies and he really likes you.

That’s lucky, you think, but you weren’t looking to buy a membership just yet.

So you tell him that.

“But that’s what’s so perfect about this deal,” he replies. It turns out that the first month is free. So, in essence, you’re not really buying a membership at all. Now, yes, there is a two-year commitment after that first free month, but you can cancel at any time. If you don’t like it—and he’s sure you’re gonna love it—you don’t have to pay. It’s risk free! Nothing in life is risk free and yet this is! And you know what?

He’s not lying. It is risk free. You can cancel at any time.

But you won’t.

Here’s why. To give you this incredible deal, all he needs is a credit card. That seems reasonable, you think. So you give it to him. But now you’re stuck, because once they have that card, they automatically charge it every month whether you use the place or not. Why is this so bad?

Because you forget you’re paying for it.

And if you remember about it, you’re still not going to cancel, because that would mean you’re admitting defeat. That’s you saying, “Screw my New Year’s resolution and the promise of a great-looking, healthy body! I’m satisfied being the same old piece of crap I am right now just so I can save thirty bucks a month.”

You won’t do that.

At least, most people don’t, and gyms count on this. It’s how they make their money, and getting that credit card is the most important thing in the world to them. Don’t believe me? Put it to the test.

Go into a gym, let them give you their whole song and dance and, when it comes time to pay for the membership, offer to pay in cash. They’ll tell you they don’t accept cash. What they don’t tell you is the reason, which is that they don’t want to keep asking you for money every month because, one day, you might say no.

They won’t take that chance. They want to “put you to sleep” and forget about you.

You can explain to them that cash is actually legal tender. That it was printed by the federal government and is useable for all debt both public and private—it actually says so on the bill!

They’ll tell you they’re not set up to take cash. In fact, they’ll tell you anything to get that credit card, because that’s how they stay in business. This is as good a time as any to ask yourself a simple question.

What business is the fitness club actually in?

It’s certainly not fitness.

They’ll do as little as possible to continue to collect your money. In essence, they’re in the collection business. Kind of like the mafia, but with less broken noses.

So you’re almost ready to sign on the dotted line, but still a little hesitant. That’s okay, because they’re not done selling. They’re going to sweeten the pot. Besides the free first month, the hot girl on the Stairmaster and a fishing trip to Montana with your new best buddy, the sales rep, they’re going to give you five free sessions with a trainer. And not just any trainer. Your salesman is going to hook you up with the best one in the gym.

If you buy today, that is.

It’s hard to see the downside in all this. Free sessions? You’ve heard these trainers cost hundreds per hour. And, the truth is, all that equipment is a little daunting. It would be helpful to have someone show it to you. But if you leave now and check out another gym, this one-of-a-kind extension being offered to you by your new best buddy is going to vanish along with your girlfriend, Susie Stairmaster, not to mention that fishing trip to Montana.

So do you sign?

Not yet. There are three things you can do to ensure that you get the best deal possible.

DO YOUR HOMEWORK

If you were buying a new car, you would never go to the dealership without knowing the true value of the one you want to trade in, as well as the invoice price of the one you want to purchase. In other words, you’d do your homework.

Treat a gym membership the same way.

Before you even visit, do a quick Google search and look for any special deals that the gym is currently running. Often, mega gyms will do cross-promotions with other companies, but the only way you’ll know about this is to look for them beforehand.

For example, I got 30 percent off the membership fee for a gym I currently belong to by doing my homework and finding out that they had a cross promotion with CostCo. I was waiting for them to tell me about this when I went into the gym, but they never did. I had to tell them about it—and still they tried to pretend it didn’t exist.

Like the Boy Scouts say: be prepared.

PAY FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR UP FRONT

Many people don’t know that you can often get a huge discount off the membership fee by paying for the entire first year upfront—as much as 40 percent. In some cases, if you pay for two years upfront it’s even cheaper. They don’t tell you about this for three reasons.

The first is obvious. They don’t like giving up any profits.

The second is psychological. Just like in the car business, they want to avoid scaring you away with big numbers, which means they’re reluctant to tell you what an entire year will actually cost you.

The third is a little more devious. You can negotiate these deals so that they terminate after the first year, which means they can’t continue to charge your credit card. As we already talked about, gyms hate to give that up.

Doesn’t matter. All mega gyms offer this. Take advantage.

JOIN DURING THE LULL

You know when everybody wants to join a gym? In January, after the New Year, so they can fulfill those New Year’s resolutions. Or just before summer, to get “bikini ready.”

Sure, gyms will offer the “New You” deal or the “Red Hot Summer Special” during those periods, but you can get better deals if you’re smart about when you join. It’s simple supply and demand. Gyms need income all year and they’re much more inclined to give you their best deals during their slowest months.

I’m looking at you, October.

So let’s say you’ve found a gym you like and you’ve taken these three tips to get yourself the sweetest deal possible. Now you’re officially a member of a mega gym. Did you make a mistake?

Maybe.

Here’s what you’ve just bought—a promise. A promise for a new, healthier body. Only you can fulfill that promise and you do that by actually going to the gym and working out. But will you?

The statistics say no.

The majority of people who sign up at mega gyms never go back after the first few weeks. And it’s a good thing, too. If everyone came to work out, the line at the elliptical machine would look like an Apple store the night before the new iPhone is released.