Fish Tails (84 page)

However, the intervention had to have happened way back when. It expunged all reference to the planet from the logs, then
(as he told himself later, to get it moving before Self lost its nerve)
Self returned to Earth and made a millennial jump back, at which time several preliminary tasks were accomplished.

First: The pathetic, half-­dead little world spirit of Earth was encouraged (covertly) to send a plea for help to the world part Lom on Ocalcalcalip. Actually, Self had had to bribe the Earth World Spirit. Self had promised to send her somewhere else that did not have mankinds or anything resembling mankinds on it. Poor thing had done nothing but grieve over her poor world for centuries, and she had earned a long vacation.

Second: Self had gone off to Ocalcalcalip (O'kl-­KAL-­k'lip), where the world spirit of the planet part called Lom (a creature known as Ganver) passed the request on to the ocean planet Squamutch, where Balytaniwassinot, under a (false) diplomatic identity, had already convinced the ruler the planet needed more dry land to grow more of its cash crop, fligbine. Squamutch was a very large ocean planet with only a few islands suitable for growing things. Fligbine was a euphoric drug much in demand. Fixit assisted in acquiring and diverting a wormhole to carry away the excess water, one end on Squamutch, the other deep in the oceans of Earth.

Third: The scientists of Tingawa were provided with some advanced research on various genetic applications along with the information that in ten to twelve hundred years, the earth would be underwater. Balytaniwassinot had enjoyed this visit. It had gone in disguise as “Wazeer Noht” and had spoken through a voice synthesizer. It had later learned that the visit was now known as “the Visitation.”

When Self returned to present time, water had been flowing into Earth for a thousand years. Tingawans had argued for centuries about the flooding forecast. All the figures checked out. The earth would indeed be underwater. Wasn't it lucky Tingawan scientists had received this information about certain genetic discoveries as long ago as they did. No one was upset or disrupted enough to start a national or international panic, and there was plenty of time for world-­drowning changes to creep up on them gradually.

Luckily, Balytaniwassinot's ­people were extremely long-­lived. Short-­lived agents would be no use at all, so galactic agents were chosen only from among the long-­lived ­peoples. Thus Balytaniwassinot could look forward to the next ­couple of dozen or so human generations, and now (though Balytaniwassinot was actually making a follow-­up visit to his last half-­dozen follow-­up visits), as far as the omnipresent log was concerned, THIS VISIT HERE AND NOW WOULD APPEAR TO BE THE INITIAL ARRIVAL. Accomplished, of course, in accordance with the “FIRST ARRIVAL PROTOCOL.”

The next item on
that
protocol was to sense the surroundings with the
full
array. Those watching from the hillside, having witnessed the emrgence of the spherical thing, saw a tall, spiky prong emerge from the sphere. The prong went up and up and up, extruded several spines; then it twirled and twirled and went
ploonk
back where it came from.

Something gleeped.

“What in the devil . . .” snarled Abasio (the witness).

“What's it?” demanded Coyote (the other witness), who had just arrived.

The gleep indicated the presence of
Oracle
. This current trip, in current time, had been authorized on the basis of two items:
Oracle
being item number one. Though it was a perfect cover for its operation, Balytaniwassinot had really rather hoped this was a mistake and there
would not be
any
Oracle
. It would have preferred a worldwide plague! It had hoped in vain. Tsk, and again, tsk, and a sigh. All false hopes abandoned, Self would take a deep breath and then do the next step in the protocol. Self accordingly breathed heavily, not once but three times, and uttered a brief curse. The log would record its annoyance at the very idea of Oracle. This was not only allowable but expected!

Item number two in authorizing this trip had been a rumored conspiracy to kill off an entire species of naturally evolved creatures on the world Earth by drowning: a novel method when applied interplanetarily. The creatures destined for termination were known as mankinds or humans, and oddly enough, the Galactic Congress had long ago voted eradication of this same race on the grounds that it was a plague race because it had left its home planet and infected another planet. Yet another case of the left wallub not knowing what the right finglesnitter was up to. This one was easy. Balytaniwassinot knew exactly where the paperwork was, having put it there!

There had been one minor annoyance. Representatives of an antidrug organization who were visiting the court of Plethrob on Gobanjur were appalled to find the ­people of that planet uniformly addicted to fligbine. The delegation had been even more appalled to learn that the large ocean planet Squamutch was diverting much of its oceans to a planet called Earth in order to dry out more of its own surface. This was being done to allow even larger crops of fligbine to sell to Gobanjur. The organization appealed to the Intelligent Creatures Rights Or­ganization.

It had therefore been necessary for Fixit to arrange that the entire diplomatic corps attend a banquet also attended by several Gobanjurians who had just returned from worlds where no fligbine had been available. The normal, unhampered behavior of undrugged Gobanjurians was both witnessed and experienced. The diplomats who survived had subsequently presented their point of view forcibly to the antidrug organization, which had promptly withdrawn its complaint.

In the face of this diplomatic brouhaha, the order for eradication of mankind had been temporarily suspended—­and some interfering creature had pointed out that
innocent
threatened species had a right to wipe out the threatener. Planet-­wide drowning, however, despite the level of provocation by the threatening species, was not
species specific,
and the Galactic Congress had
NOT voted to wipe out snakes, butterflies, elephants, earthworms, eels, mongooses, okapis, ostriches, owls, oysters, or a list of other creatures that seemed endless.
The rumored conspiracy did, however, enable Balytaniwassinot to get oh-­so-­very-­casually involved. “Oh, while I'm down that way, why don't I add this silly flooding brouhaha to my agenda.” Having involved Lom, Ocalcalcalip, and Squamutch initially, Self now needed to extract them, painlessly he hoped.

So to work! After all, Balytaniwassinot's nickname was “FIXIT.” FIXING was what it did. Now Self's
official
task was to investigate this whole three-­planet-­involved world drowning without committing an “Arbitrarily Imposed Solution,” the dread AIS that had cost so many galactic officers their rankings. Once intelligence emerged upon a planet, Fixers were forbidden to use “Arbitrarily Imposed Solutions.” One had to accept freedom of choice in order to work for the Galactic Affairs Office
. Intelligent beings who had developed language were supposed to be able to solve their own problems regardless of how many times certain ones of them had proved they couldn't solve getting out of bed (or equivalent) in the morning (or equivalent).

Balytaniwassinot knew the supposed “conspirators” quite well: Ocalcalcalip, which contained the separable geographic part (a peninsula) named Lom. That one was easy
. “Yes, Lom had some reason to help the Earth spirit wipe out mankind, but Lom's world-­part spirit had no information concerning other living, speaking creatures that would be at risk. Lom's involvement was therefore innocent.”
This had the advantage of being true. Besides, Lom had made an offer of remediation, and Balytaniwassinot had accepted the agents of this reparation: three travelers (female mankinds, one of them made out of rock) who had volunteered to assist in adapting to sea life such creatures as Griffins along with any others who wished to be adapted.

The other world involved was Squamutch
, which—­provably—­had donated the water in order to solve an agricultural and cash-­flow problem, also quite innocently.
Any planet was allowed to change its life balance to make it more productive.

And, as for Gobanjur, one would simply not mention Gobanjur! Galactically, Gobanjur was considered an embarrassment. Not every planet had a ruler whose . . . sexual parts had been increased to the point they had exploded during a banquet for the diplomatic corps. Ambassadress Malanako had brought suit for sexual assault after being hit in the face by fragments of said parts. Note: Under great pressure from galactic officers, the Gobanjur congress subsequently replaced the Bigger-­Bigger male rulers with female persons chosen on the basis of ability. (Bigger-­Bigger sexual parts had been achieved by force feeding of certain foods and drugs, and elections had been replaced by committees with measuring tapes. These organs had been useful only for display, as their size and weight eliminated any possibility of being used in any other way.)

The observers were not troubled by eliminating mankind, but they were troubled by the ancillary effects. Foremost among them was the imminent threat of extinction to other, innocent Earthian species: Griffins, yes, but also thousands of species of running, flying, squirming creatures, all still extant and needing perching places or solidity beneath them.

However, there
was
no real threat of extinction! Foreseeing several hundred years ago that mankind would be lethal to any world it lived upon, Balytaniwassinot had begun to prevent its happening! Breeding populations of every single Earthian creature either already had been or soon would be moved to a wonderful world without a single mankind on it. Balytaniwassinot had found the unoccupied world a long time ago: mountain and plain, jungle and desert, river and lake and sea, all well populated by vegetation only, none of it sensate. Balytaniwassinot added nourishing Earthian vegetation to this untouched world after determining that this would not injure any native vegetation. When one took up a square mile of jungle to a depth of fifty feet, and a square mile of ocean reef with a similar underlayment, and transplanted them onto another world a few thousand years ago, all kinds of things crawl out and multiply.

Then, subsequent to this discovery, every time Self went out on a trip, Self took along a mover full of Earth creatures, transporting them several millennia back in time once on the planet, so they'd have a long time to multiply before the next load arrived. Balytaniwassinot stopped by to check on progress at some point during every trip. Every living thing had been moved in order of the food chain, most edible and smallest first. Lots and lots of little fish before any bigger fish. Lots and lots of mice before things that lived on mice. Self was now at the point of moving the big fellows: the big herbivores and predators: elephants, rhinos, hippos, crocodiles, whales . . . maybe not whales. Whales and dolphins would continue to be very happy on the new earth. Some of them were at the top of the food chain except for mankinds, and they might enjoy humans on a more fluid earth so long as the humans were unarmed.

(Fixit had had a junior colleague who had majored in sea-­world linguistics work up a whale lexicon, figuring Earth's sea ­people were going to need it. The whales had told him they weren't going to stand for any nonsense, so dropping off the lexicon at the Sea Duck installations was one of the things he intended to do this trip. Since human lungs couldn't manage the sounds, they'd have to invent a whale horn that would. Helpfully, Balytaniwassinot had arranged for the construction of a prototype.)

All this activity (except for the time travel) was buried in a report Fixit had made a very long time ago, making quite sure that the report was buried in the files where it could be found if someone looked for it—­as Fixit had repeatedly done, whenever he wished to append an updated detail. Of course, someone would have to look for it very hard. “Yes, I knew I had reported it! See there, I reported the whole thing, and when I didn't hear to the contrary, I figured I could go on with it.” By the time anyone went hunting, the stamped approvals supposedly provided by “higher-­ups” would have outlasted the stampers. He had picked the really ancient higher-­ups, the ones with the shortest life (and attention) spans. The last one, old Fliggerybat Nognose, had died just last trip, but that was unquestionably his stamp! No one else would think of using the Nognose nostrils in their coat of arms!

So, reason number one for this trip to Earth had been dealt with. No one had acted maliciously. The two planets that started the flood did so for innocent reasons—­well, reasonably innocent—­and all was working out well.

Reason number two for being on this planet was still to be dealt with. Balytaniwassinot had dealt with Oracles before and had not liked it—­them—­then. His opinion was not likely to change now.

Well, he would deal with the Oracles. And finally, as addenda, there would be all the little Listener requests for help that had been accumulating for quite some little time. Pleas. Screams. Childish, but nonetheless pitiable tales of injustice and evil referring to the basic issues and adding dozens of others. Oh, yes, dozens of them. Self had them on Self's memo leaf together with identities of the requesters. Persons known as Grandma and Willum and Needly and Xulai, and even Abasio, who did not even know he had submitted a request. Oh, Baly­taniwassinot felt it knew them so well.

Time to move on! Self was muttering, occasionally yelling. Yes, the landing had gone badly but the damage had been rectified. Let headquarters determine who, what, or which was responsible for issuance of an IGM that had not been properly programmed. THEN it would be of consequence and Balytaniwassinot looked forward to testifying against whatever
thrumdraggit gatiplogs
had been responsible.