Fish: A Memoir of a Boy in Man's Prison (26 page)

I lit up with excitement, waving back, but then he glanced over my shoulder and mouthed something to someone behind me. I turned around and saw Chet coming up the walk. When I looked back-Brett was gone. I didn't know if he disappeared because of Chet, or if he was even waving at me in the first place.

"Where's your man at?" Chet asked. He looked right through me as he walked past.

"10 Building," I said.

He was acting strange. Not his usual phony self-pretending to be friendly and nice. I hoped he didn't think I was trying to steal Brett. But why would he? It's not like I could. I ran to catch up to him, thinking I could reassure him. "So how's it going?"

He looked over at me, but didn't respond.

I learned to watch the eyes. To look at them and listen to what they told me. I was starting to hear what they had to say. Were they dangerous or lonely? Were they lying or just looking to get laid? The eyes would tell me.

I had been avoiding Chet, ever since he set me up when I arrived. And when I couldn't avoid him, I gave him back what he showed me; a false front. I wanted to get with Brett, and because he was Brett's man, the only way two boys could do that was if both of their men agreed.

"Listen Tim, I'm really busy," he said. "So how about doing me a favor, huh?"

"Sure, Chet. What is it?"

"Put an egg in your shoe and beat it."

I hated Chet. I hated everything about him. He was as fake as his fucking teeth. They were cheap too-the kind that caused a slight whistle whenever he spoke. When he took them out at night, he looked more like his true nature: an ugly redneck with a sunken jaw.

When I told Slide Step what happened, he said things between Chet and him had been heating up since Chet and Taylor seemed to be trying to pull a fast one on Slide Step. With his mom providing the supply, they worked for Slide Step. But now they had other plans in play that they were trying to hide from him. "These motherfuckers must think I'm a sucker," Slide Step said. We were under his bed when he told me about it, but all I could think about was how any fallout would affect my chances with Brett.

"I know how to handle it," he said. "They're not crossing me out. They'll have to leave this motherfucker first."

Slide Step was upset as I'd ever seen him. But my not being able to get together with Brett made me as angry as Slide Step was for being doublecrossed.

"Listen, I want you to stay clear of them, until Red and I take care of this thing."

I looked at him and nodded. Did that mean Brett as well, but I didn't want to ask, leaving open the possibility of hooking up with Brett.

"And Brett, too," he added.

My face dropped.

Slide Step looked at me and smiled. "You are so readable."

"I am not!"

"Like a bookie reads a racing form." Slide Step started to tickle me. "I got your number!"

"You do not," I laughed.

He drove his scruffy chin into my neck. "Oh, yes I do."

I was amazed at how quickly he went from rage to playfulness, as if one didn't affect the other.

"Quit it," I said, but I couldn't stop laughing.

Would I ever be able to have sex with someone I wanted?

The next day, I stepped away from a card game on the yard, and went to use the bathroom in the basement of 10 Building. It was next to an open area where they held AA meetings once a week. I was standing at the urinal when I heard the door open behind me.

"Homeboy," Scatter said, smiling. "What are you doin' down here?"

"Hey," I said, feeling a slight quiver in my voice. We were alone, and I was surprised to see him. Had he followed me?

He smiled and stared as we both peed. "So what's happening?" He asked.

"Nothin'," I said, looking straight ahead. I could see him, out of the corner of my eye, but I was afraid to turn my head.

He twisted to see if the stall was empty, and I snuck a quick peek.

Oh my God! I zipped up my fly without shaking and quickly moved for the door. I felt my underwear getting wet. "I've gotta go," I said.

"Wait!" he whispered.

I held the door open with my hand. The light from the stairwell illuminated the empty area between the bathroom and the outside door. There was no one around.

"What?" I asked.

He had a mischievous look on his face-as if he were about to do something wrong, and was gleeful about it.

"C'mere," he said.

Slide Step was tied up in the card game. It was his table that day, which meant he got a cut from every hand. Plus he was dealing and slipping the hole card to the bottom of the deck like he practiced the day before, which meant he was cheating. Though you couldn't tell. At least I couldn't, and I was watching carefully. He probably had the sucker's money piling up so high by now, that he wasn't paying attention to where I was. And Red and Manley were there too, covering his back.

"What do you want to talk about?" I said. My throat felt dry.

He slowly stepped back from the urinal. I looked down at him and swallowed. I couldn't believe how fast my heart was beating. A bead of sweat skittered down the side of my body. I was about to do something, that up until that moment; I had only been forced to do.

I let go of the door.

When we finished having sex, Scatter told me to go back first and he would wait. No one could see us coming out together or I'd be in big trouble. On my way up the stairs, I had to stop twice-to adjust my pants. I was still sporting the residue of my excitement and the boxer shorts didn't provide the same support as my old BVD come-fuck-me's. Since Scatter was straight, I would have to take care of myself later. I put my hand in the pocket and held onto my erection as I hustled passed the crowd that was standing around Slide Step's card game.

Red stared at me with his usual glare. He nodded, as if to say somethingbut what? Slide Step and the others were preoccupied with the cards. I worried about what Red might guess.

I went into 10 Building and up the stairs to take a shower. I couldn't stop thinking about Red. What if he saw Scatter follow me down into the basement of 10 Building? And no matter how long Scatter waited, Red would see him when he came back out. It would look even worse, and Red would surely tell Slide Step.

I turned on the showers and stepped under the hot water. What would Slide Step do if he found out? I was leaving for court in two days, so maybe it would blow over by then. As I soaped up, my thoughts drifted back to Scatter. I couldn't believe that we got together. Scatter was fucking amazing. I had given him a blowjob, and yes, I was definitely gay.

I was alone in the shower, so I finished myself off and couldn't stop smiling.

I went back to my room in time for the 4:30 count. I fell asleep, thinking about how much fun I had had. It was as if I'd been asleep my whole life and now I was suddenly awake. Alive and awake and in this place-for the moment at least, everything felt soft and kind and warm and delicious.

After count, Slide Step pounded on my door and startled me awake.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing," I said. "Taking a nap."

"Are you all right?" He frowned.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"C'mon. It's chow time."

I put on my shoes and scrambled to catch up with him. He was walking with his head down, and he didn't look happy. My heart was pounding. Finally he spoke.

"What'd you do?" he asked.

"Huh?"

"This afternoon?"

I looked at him. His was looking down as he walked, but was listening.

"Nothing."

He didn't respond.

"How'd you do," I asked. "At the card game?"

"Not well. I lost."

He placed his hand on my back and led me through the door.

When we entered the chow hall, I grabbed two trays and handed him one. Scatter was sitting down already, laughing and talking with others at his table. He didn't look up. Red was sitting in the far corner, talking with Chet and Taylor.

"Listen," Slide Step said. "I want you to stay close to me tonight." He was staring at Red, who gave Slide Step a nod.

The food was liver and beets and banana cream pie for dessert. The cook's idea of pie was whipped cream and pudding on a layer of half-cooked dough.

"Looks like another night for a cook-up," Slide Step said. "C'mon, we'll get Manley to put it together."

The cook-up was canned roast beef and chili, with Cheez Whiz heated on the hot plate and spread onto whole-wheat bread. It was delicious with mustard and chips on the side, but we were out of chips. "Get them from Steppenwolf," Slide Step told Manley.

The inmate store was open only during certain hours, but there was always one or two cons who ran an inmate store. The mark-up was 30 to 50 percent, but if you needed credit-it was two for one. "Hey, if you don't like my price," the convict running the store would say, "then you can wait for draw day." Inmates could withdraw money from their inmate accounts twice a month-on the 1st and the 15th of each month-and they were limited to thirty dollars. Other money could come from inmate visits, where visitors could bring you an additional fifteen dollars a visit.

Manley came back with the chips, and told us that Bottoms was blowing a bunch of guys in the bathroom again. "Got caught cheating on his man," he said. Black was teaching him a lesson, by making him blow several guys in a row. I looked at Slide Step, who was on the other side of the room. He was staring at me. Suddenly, I wasn't hungry.

As pure fantasy, the idea of having to do a bunch of guys might seem like fun to some-but in reality-the guys in there were mostly creeps. And some of them didn't even shower every day.

Slide Step nodded at me to take the chair next to him, in front of the TV. I went over and sat down. "You all right?" he asked. "You seem kind of funny."

I said that I was OK.

A black inmate, I didn't know, stood in the doorway to the dayroom and nodded to Slide Step. He nodded back. They weren't saying hello.

"What was that?" I asked.

"Don't worry about it," he said, his eyes were fixed on the TV, "it's nothing."

I took a bite of my sandwich, but I didn't want another bite.

Red, Chet, and Taylor walked through the day room and headed out to the back porch. Red looked at Slide Step and nodded. It was the same kind of exchange as the guy who had stood at the door.

Slide Step looked down at my plate. "You're not hungry?"

I shook my head.

"Scatter," he shouted toward the pool room.

"Yo!" Scatter yelled back.

"You want my boy's spread?"

Scatter came out smiling, holding a stick. "Cool! Good looking out."

"I'm not feeling well," I said.

"You don't look good," Slide Step said. "Why don't you go lay down for a while?"

"OK." I got up and went down to my cell.

I never was very good at getting away with anything.

I went down to my room, but it was too early to sleep. My head was swirling with questions. Did Slide Step know, and how did he find out? Did Red say something? Or what about Scatter? He promised he wouldn't say a word, but what if Slide Step asked him directly? And how could I trust him, anyway, since he'd already got what he wanted?

I thought about Bottoms being punished for cheating. Old Iron jaws, someone called him, because you'd need iron jaws to do that many guys. I would kill myself before I let someone make me do that, yet somehow I don't think Bottoms minded it. On draw days, I had seen guys lined up in the hallway, as Bottoms did what he seemed to like to do and was getting paid for it all at the same time. I remembered him coming out of the bathroom smiling, with his pockets jingling with tokens. Except that when he was done, he had to give the money to Black.

When Bottoms yelled up the hall for Black, a guy who was sitting down next to him in a chair looked up. "Bitch! Don't be spittin' them dead babies out your mouth while you're standing over me!"

Slide Step never would have made me do something like that, even if I was caught cheating on him. I had never thought about it before, but I was curious as to why Bottoms was named that in the first place-since he should have been named something closer to Head or Lips. Slide Step said that only Black tapped that ass, meaning, he would pimp out Bottom's face, but he saved his ass for himself.

I was surprised at how casually Black had asked Slide Step if he and the others could fuck me before I left for court. If was like he was pointing to Slide Step's tray and saying, "Are you finished with your dessert?"

I would have asked to be locked up, in solitary confinement, if I thought the gang was going to come after me. But that was assuming I could see it coming before it went down. And of course, that also assumed that the guards would let me. Bottoms said that when he once tried to get into lock-up, the guards told him that if he didn't like fucking no more, then he should go back out on the yard and fight like a man. They weren't going to take up space in segregation for a punk who was having marital problems. Bottoms told me that the worst thing about it was how they told him. "They said it with the door wide open, so that everyone in the dayroom could hear."