First Friends (31 page)

‘Up you come,' she said, swinging Gemma into the air. ‘Now he's woken up he'll have to go out.'

She hurried Gemma out into the garden, the puppy staggering in the rear, and set her down on the lawn. It would be a sensible move to have a look at some local private schools, she decided. The Great Education Debate had gone on too long and it was time to back down and set Tom's mind at rest. She simply mustn't rock any more boats! She watched the puppy pee and then run after Gemma who had picked up his ball.

‘Lunch!' she called. ‘Come and have some lunch.' And laughed as they turned and raced across the lawn towards her.

‘C
ASS TELLS ME THAT
she's given in over the Great Education Debate,' said Kate as they sat in the warm May sunshine on the little paved terrace outside Kate's sitting room. ‘Tom was so relieved that he gave her a huge bottle of scent for her birthday last week.'

‘And how will she manage?' asked Alex, who knew all the ins and outs of it through Kate.

‘She's sending Charlotte to Lambspark School in Plympton. It's a super little school, apparently, which takes boys up to eight before they go off to prep school and girls to sixteen. They can do O levels but they have to go on to sixth form to do A's. Charlotte is thrilled to bits. One of her friends is going from Meavy.' Kate began to chuckle. ‘The beauty of it is that Cass has decided to send Saul as well. That means that she's got rid of two of them at one stroke. Neither of them will be able to pop home from school unexpectedly. Trust Cass.'

‘And what does Tom say?'

‘Well, he's very pleased about Charlotte and he can't really complain about Saul going. As Cass points out she can't be driving Charlotte to school at half-past eight and seeing to Saul at the same time and, of course, she'd
be setting out to pick her up before Saul gets home. Much more sensible that they go together. Anyway, Tom thinks that he's won the battle and that's all that matters.'

‘How devious women are,' observed Alex, closing his eyes to the sun. ‘Do men ever really get their own way or do they just think they do?'

‘Men and women are two quite different species,' said Kate seriously. ‘The mistake we all make is in thinking that basically we're the same. We think differently, react differently, require different things. To expect marriage to work is like expecting a fish and a bird to live happily together. Or a bee and a mouse. Totally incompatible really.'

Alex opened his eyes and looked at her. ‘Are you trying to tell me something?'

‘No. That's as far as I go, really. Because men are different from men and women from women, too. Look at Cass and Felicity—chalk and cheese!'

‘And, I hope, you and Cass. Does she behave like she does because she's alone so much?'

‘I don't think so. She's just fundamentally naughty. She's been like it since she was twelve. There's no real vice in her. She's one of the kindest people that I know and incredibly generous. She just likes a bit of spice in her life. A touch of risk. We have a joke about it. She called it playing Russian Roulette once and I told her that one day she'll get the bullet.'

‘And will she?'

‘I sincerely hope not. Cass isn't really immoral, you know. She's amoral. She simply can't help enjoying herself and because it's such fun, in her view it can't really be bad. I honestly believe that she doesn't feel she's hurting anyone. She would be quite understanding if Tom had a fling. Jealousy has been left out of her make-up, you see, so she can't imagine anyone suffering from it. She really loves Tom and actually makes him very happy and she's so much more fun than most upright dreary people who are terribly faithful. For that alone I could forgive her nearly anything.'

‘As long as you don't feel the need to follow her example. I promise you that I find you quite enough fun as you are. And jealousy hasn't been left out of my make-up.'

Kate laughed and took his outstretched hand. ‘Like I said, women are different from women. I don't have Cass's panache.'

‘Thank God for that,' murmured Alex. ‘Now that I've met you I'm beginning to have a sneaking sympathy for all those dreary upright people!'

The strain of living a double life was every bit as great as Alex had foreseen and Kate was beginning to wonder how long she could keep it up. She knew that it wasn't fair on Alex to relegate him to a back seat every time the twins appeared but she simply didn't know what else to do. On the occasions when they were all four together Kate was like a cat on a hot tin roof lest the twins should suspect something and Alex, who had hoped that this may be a way of reconciling the twins to the new situation, began to despair. As usual, in these situations, her sense of guilt was well to the fore and she tried hard to make sure that everyone was getting his fair share. It was an impossible hope and Kate felt her temper fraying. When she was with Alex she felt guilty that she wasn't with the twins and when she was with the twins she tortured herself by imagining Alex, all on his own, feeling very much in second place. After all, he had done so much for her. She knew that it was through Alex that she was coming to terms with her sense of failure and guilt over her separation from Mark. Over and over again he showed her a balanced picture, restoring her self-confidence, patiently talking her through it and she was terrified that he might be getting tired of his role as comforter forgetting, once she was away from him, all the other sides of the relationship.

One morning, arriving a little late having taken the twins to Cass, she saw Pam coming out of the shop and her fear had taken the form of an offhand brittleness which puzzled Alex and then, as he jumped to all sorts of conclusions, made him angry. They had had a row and,
although they had very quickly sorted themselves out, it had left Kate badly shaken. In order to justify her behaviour she had admitted that she suffered dreadful jealousy from time to time and that she feared that she might lose him. This, she knew, was putting weapons into his hands but she felt that she must hold nothing back. She had been reluctant to leave him, frightened that such misunderstanding could occur and, instead of going straight back to collect the twins, she did as she had so often done at times of crisis. She went to the General.

‘I know I'm being unfair to Alex,' she said, sitting at the kitchen table while he made some tea. ‘The trouble is that my head is just going round and round and I need someone standing away from us to tell me if I'm trying to have it all ways. My main fear is that Mark could use it as an opportunity to bring me down and get the twins. But secondly, if I'm honest, I have a horror of actually telling the twins. You know, saying the words. To boys of that age, falling in love with someone is something one's own mother doesn't do. I'm terrified that they may see it as something, well, sort of grubby.'

‘Oh, my dear.' The General looked at her compassionately. ‘It's a very tricky situation, I quite see that, but I can't help feeling that your fears may be unfounded. Surely it's unlikely that Mark would want to disturb his career by any sort of court case? After all, other things may come out that would not be beneficial to him. And why should he want to take the twins away from you? He shows very little interest in them and what would he do with them? You talk of his mother but she's not a young person. Would she want them while he's at sea? It's one thing to have them for a week or two and quite another on a full-time basis. I think that any judge would want proof of a far closer relationship than Mark has with his boys to take them away from a loving and caring mother. And the twins aren't babies, remember. If they were asked their opinion, you may be sure that they'd give it.'

‘How comforting you are,' said Kate gratefully. ‘It sounds very logical. I thought of him doing it out of spite, you see.'

‘But you're not allowing for Mark's character. From what I know of him I can't imagine Mark taking any steps without long and careful
thought. He would see that any personal satisfaction he might gain would be far outweighed by future responsibilities. I think you have nothing to fear.'

‘And what about the twins?'

The General made the tea and pondered. ‘Do they know that your marriage with Mark is quite over?'

‘Well, not as such. I think they've guessed but I've glossed over it a bit. It's so easy with Mark always having been at sea. They probably think that he comes home sometimes when they're at school and of course he's never written to them. He writes to me about financial matters and I give them his love and things like that even though he doesn't.'

‘Then I think that the first step would be to tell them that your marriage to Mark is over and has been for some time. That should be made clear. They will accept Alex more readily if he is not thought to be the reason for the break up. Children prefer the status quo and rather resent anyone who upsets it. You've made their lives happy and secure within the insecurities of service life and their first requirement will be that you should go on doing it. Your happiness, I fear, will be a secondary consideration.'

Kate laughed. ‘Now that I totally believe! No talk of divorce yet, then?'

‘Not yet. Let it all sink in and then Alex can start to take his place in all your lives in a more normal way. If that's what you truly want.'

He turned away to make the tea, hoping that his anxiety didn't show. He could see that Alex's display of temper had distressed her and he had a real fear that she might rush into things before she was ready for them.

Kate was silent for a moment, sitting quite straight in her chair, her hands linked loosely on the table.

‘I don't know,' she said at last. ‘In some ways it doesn't seem real. It's wonderful when the twins aren't there or all the time it's a secret. But it's as if it doesn't belong to real life. Today it was rather sordid. Alex and I screaming at one another and me being jealous. I felt
guilty at misjudging him and he said bitter things about me wanting my cake and eating it.'

‘Sadly, relationships have to stand up against the harsh winds of the outside world. They have to be tested against the rules and standards of real life, which is why holiday and shipboard romances so rarely work.' The General turned to look at her. ‘It's bound to take time. The great thing is to learn from past experience. Not to go jumping from the frying pan into the fire.'

Kate looked at him. She was very serious.

‘D'you think that's what I'm doing?'

‘Oh, my dear. How can I possibly tell? You've had a bit of a mauling and I want to see you happy. It's so easy, you see, to go from one extreme to the other. If you've been denied certain aspects of love within a relationship, the tendency is to grasp these in the next one, ignoring the fact that there will be other drawbacks which may be just as difficult to live with.' He shook his head. ‘It's impossible to know what is right for someone else. All I would say is, don't rush it. Give it time. And if it's the right thing for you the moment will come when you'll know. If it's right, it'll come, have no fear. If you are patient and are working for good, the right moment always presents itself.'

‘What should I do without you?' Kate took her tea and smiled up at him. ‘Let's hope that a right moment presents itself in which I can repay all your kindnesses. As far as I'm concerned, you've always been working for good.'

‘Oh, if only that were true. I'm sure you've heard the saying “old sins cast long shadows.” Lots of cancelling out to do yet.'

‘I don't believe it. I shall be looking for the right moment.'

He smiled down at her and Kate saw the likeness to Cass leap up in that much older face. On an impulse, she set down her cup and, jumping up, she went to him and hugged him tightly, her face buried in his jersey. He stood holding her, stroking her hair as he did with the children.

‘I love you,' she said, muffled. ‘I love you so much I simply don't know how I'd manage without you and it's just occurred to me that
‘I don't even know your name. All my life you've been Cass's pa or the General.' She leaned back to look up at him and saw that he looked surprised. ‘What is your name?'

‘My dear, I assumed you knew it. Cass named her eldest son after me, you see. My name's Oliver.'

C
ASS WAS GIVING A
little lunch party: Abby, Liz and Harriet. Abby and Liz were both vastly pregnant, their babies due on the same date. This was not surprising as they had both been conceived on the night of Cass's party. Nobody mentioned the fact that at the time Liz and Tony weren't married. They all knew that they'd been around together since the previous summer and left it at that. Harriet was rather quiet.

They'd reached the coffee stage, that moment of desultory conversation and pleasant idleness.