First Comes Baby...: The Loner's Guarded Heart (16 page)

She couldn’t do wild and reckless things. She was about to become a mother.

And when he didn’t look at her like that, when he gazed at her baby bump with his heart in his eyes—oh, it made her wish for other things. It made her wish they could be a family—a proper family.

But of course that way madness lay. And a broken heart.

She led Dave and Winnie through the rose garden, concentrating on keeping both her temperature and her pulse at even, moderate levels.

Just before they reached the front yard Dave said, ‘I made Ben that offer you and I spoke about a while back.’

She stumbled to a halt. Her heart lurched. She had to lock her knees to stop herself from dropping to the ground. ‘And...?’ Her heart beat against her ribs.

‘And I turned it down,’ a voice drawled from behind her.

She swung around.
Ben!
And the way his eyes glittered dangerously in the moonlight told her he was less than impressed. She swallowed. In fact he looked downright furious.

‘Have I caused any trouble?’ Dave murmured.

‘Not at all,’ she denied, unable to keep the strain from her voice.

Winnie took her husband’s arm. ‘Thank you both for a lovely evening.’ With a quick goodnight, the other couple beat a hasty retreat.

Meg swallowed and turned back to Ben. ‘I...’

He raised an eyebrow and folded his arms. ‘You can explain, right?’

Could she?

‘Another test?’ he spat out.

She nodded.

‘My word wasn’t good enough?’

‘It should’ve been, but...’ She moistened suddenly parched lips. ‘I wanted a guarantee,’ she whispered.

He stabbed a finger at her. ‘You of all people should know there’s no such thing.’

Her heart beat like a panicked animal when he wheeled away from her. ‘Please, Ben—’

He swung back. ‘What exactly are you most afraid of, Meg? That I’ll leave or that I’ll stay?’

Then it hit her.

‘Oh!’

She took a step away from him. The lock on her knees gave out and she plumped down to the soft grass in a tangle of satin and chiffon. She covered her mouth with one hand as she stared up at him.

Leaving. She was afraid of him leaving. Deathly afraid. Deep-down-in-her-bones afraid.

Break-her-heart afraid.

Because she’d gone and done the unthinkable—she’d fallen in love with Ben.

She’d fallen in love with her best friend. A man who didn’t believe in love and marriage or commitment to any woman. She’d fallen in love with him and she didn’t want him to leave. And yet by staying he would break her heart afresh every single day of her life to come.

And she would have to bear it.

Because Ben staying was what would be best for their baby.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

W
ITH
HER
DRESS
mushroomed around her, her hair done up in a pretty knot and her golden shoulders drooping, Meg reminded Ben of a delicate orchid he’d once seen in a rainforest far from civilisation.

He swooped down and drew her back to her feet, his heart clenching at her expression. ‘Don’t look like that, Meg. We’ll sort it out. I didn’t mean to yell.’

He’d do anything to stop her from looking like that—as if the world had come to an end, as if there was no joy and laughter, dancing and champagne, warm summer nights and lazy kisses left in the world. As if all those things had been taken away from her.

‘Meg?’

Finally she glanced up. He had to suck in a breath. Her pain burned a hole though his chest and thickened his throat. He dragged in a breath and blinked hard.

She lifted her chin and very gently moved out of his grasp. The abyss inside him grew.

‘I’m sorry, Ben. What I asked Dave to do was unfair. I thought it would prove one way or the other whether you were ready for fatherhood.’

‘I know you’re worried. I can repeat over and over that I’m committed to all of this, but I know that won’t allay your fears.’ And he was sorrier than he could say about that.

‘No.’ She twisted her hands together. ‘You’ve never lied to me before. It shows an ungenerosity of spirit to keep testing you as I’ve done. Your word should be good enough for me. And it is. I do believe you. I do believe you’ll stay.’

He eyed her for a moment. He wanted her to stop whipping herself into such a frenzy of guilt. This situation was so new to both of them. ‘You don’t need to apologise. You’re trying to do what’s best for the baby. There’s no shame in that. Let’s forget all about it— move forward and—’

‘Forget about it? Ben, I
hurt
you! I can’t tell you how sorry I am.’

She didn’t have to. He could see it in her face.

‘I let you down and I’m sorry.’

And how many times had he let
her
down over the years? Leaving her to deal with Laurie and Elsie on her own, expecting her to drop everything when he came home for a few days here and there, not ringing for her birthday.

‘Although I don’t think it’s necessary, apology accepted.’

‘Thank you.’

She smiled, but it didn’t dispel the shadows in her eyes or the lines of strain about her mouth. His stomach dropped.
If I ever lost your friendship
. His hands clenched. It wouldn’t happen. He wouldn’t let it happen.

Music and laughter drifted down to them from the marquee. The lights spilling from it were festive and cheerful. Out here where he and Meg stood cloaked in the shadows of the garden, it was cool and the festivities seemed almost out of reach.

He swallowed and shifted his weight. ‘You want to tell me what else is wrong?’

She glanced at him; took a step back. ‘There’s nothing.’

Acid filled his mouth. ‘Don’t lie to me, Meg.’

She glanced away. With her face in profile, her loveliness made his jaw ache. He stared at her, willing her to trust him, to share what troubled her so he could make it better. She was so lovely...and hurting so badly. He wanted—
needed
—to make things right for her.

She took another step away from him. ‘Some things are better left unspoken.’

He wasn’t having that. He took her arm and led her to a garden bench in the front yard. ‘No more secrets, Meg. Full disclosure. We need to be completely open about anything that will affect our dealings with each other and the baby.’ He leaned towards her. ‘We’re friends. Best friends. We can sort this out.’

She closed her eyes, her brow wrinkling and her breath catching.

‘I promise we can get through anything.’ He tried to impart his certainty to her, wanting it to buck her up and bring the colour back to her cheeks, the sparkle to her eyes. ‘We really can.’

She opened her eyes and gazed out at the bay spread below them. ‘If I share this particular truth with you, Ben, it will freak you out. It will freak you out more than anything I’ve ever said to you before. If I tell you, you will get up and walk out into the night without letting me finish, and I don’t think I could stand that.’

She turned and met his gaze then and his stomach lurched. Some innate sense of self-preservation warned him to get up now and leave. Not just to walk away, but to run. He ignored it. This was Meg. She needed him. He would not let her down.

‘I promise you I will not leave until the conversation has run its course.’ His voice came out hoarse. ‘I promise.’

Her face softened. ‘You don’t know how hard that promise will be to keep.’

‘Another test, Meg?’

‘No.’

She shook her head and he believed her.

Her hands twisted together in her lap. She glanced at him, glanced away, glanced down at her hands. ‘I love you, Ben.’

‘I love you too.’ She had to know how much she meant to him.

She closed her eyes briefly before meeting his gaze again. She shook her head gently. ‘I mean I’ve fallen in love with you.’

The words didn’t make sense. He stared, unable to move.

‘Actually, fallen is a rather apt description, because the sensation is far from comfortable.’

He snapped back, away from her.
I’ve fallen in love with you
. No! She—

‘I didn’t mean for it to happen. If I could make it unhappen I would. But I can’t.’

‘No!’ He shot to his feet. He paced away from her, then remembered his promise and strode back. He thrust a finger at her.
‘No!’

She stared back at him with big, wounded eyes. She chafed her arms. He slipped his jacket off and settled it around her shoulders before falling back on the seat beside her.

‘Why?’ he finally croaked. He’d done his best to maintain a civilised distance ever since that kiss.

‘I know.’ She sighed. ‘It should never have happened.’

Except...that kiss! That damn kiss on the beach. In the moonlight, no less. A moment of magic that neither one of them could forget, but...

‘Maybe it’s just pregnancy hormones?’

She pulled his jacket about her more tightly. ‘That’s what I’ve been telling myself, trying to will myself to believe. But I can’t hide behind that as an excuse any longer.’

‘Maybe it’s just lust?’

She was silent for a long moment. ‘Despite what you think, Ben, you have a lot more to offer a woman than just sex. I’ve been almost the sole focus of your attention this last month and a half and it’s been addictive. But it’s not just that. You’ve risen to every challenge I’ve thrown your way. You’ve been patient, understanding and kind. You’ve tried to make things easier for me. And I can see how much you already care for our child. You have amazed me, Ben, and I think you’re amazing.’

His heart thumped against his ribs. If this were a movie he’d take her in his arms right now and declare his undying love. But this wasn’t a movie. It was him and Meg on a garden bench. It was a nightmare!

His tie tightened about his throat. His mouth dried. He swallowed with difficulty. He might not be able to declare his undying love to her, but he could do the right thing by her.

‘Would you like us to get married?’

‘No!’

Ordinarily her horror would have made him laugh. He rolled his shoulders and frowned. ‘Why not? I thought you said you love me?’ Wasn’t marriage and babies what women wanted?

‘Too much to trap you into marriage! God, Ben, I know how you feel about marriage. The crazy thing is I would turn my nice, safe world upside down if it would make any difference. I’d follow you on your round-the-world yacht voyage, wait in some small village in Bhutan while you scaled a mountain, go with you on safari into deepest darkest Africa. But I know none of those things will make a difference. And, honestly, how happy do you think either one of us would be—you feeling trapped and suffocated and me knowing I’d made you feel that way?’ She shook her head. ‘A thousand times no.’

He rested his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. His heart thudded in a sickening slow-quick rhythm in his chest. ‘Would you like me to leave town? It’ll be easier if you don’t have to see me every day.’

‘I expect you’re right.’

He closed his eyes.

‘But while that might be best for me, it’s not what’s best for the baby. Our baby’s life will be significantly richer for having you as its father. So, no, Ben, I don’t want you to leave.’

He stared. She’d told him he was amazing, but she was the amazing one. For a moment he couldn’t speak. Eventually he managed to clear his throat. ‘I don’t know how to make things better or easier for you.’

She glanced down at her hands. ‘For a start you can promise not to hate me for having made a hash of this, for changing things between us so significantly.’

He thrust his shoulders back. ‘I will never hate you.’ He and Meg were different from his parents. He lifted his chin. They would get their friendship back on track eventually.

‘I expect I’ll get over it sooner or later. I mean, people do, don’t they?’

It had taken her father twenty years. He swallowed and nodded.

She turned to him. ‘It’s four months before the baby is due. Can we...? Can we have a time-out till then?’

She wanted him to stop coming round? She didn’t want to see him for four months? He swallowed. It would be no different from setting off on one of his adventure tours. So why did darkness descend all around him? He wanted to rail and yell. But not at Meg.

He rose to his feet. ‘I’ll go play host for the rest of the evening. I’ll help with the clean-up tomorrow and then I’ll lock Elsie’s house up and go.’

‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered.

‘No need.’

‘Thank you.’

He tried to say
you’re welcome
, but he couldn’t push the words out. ‘If you want to retire for the night I’ll take care of everything out here.’

‘I’ll take you up on that.’

She handed him back his jacket, not meeting his eyes, and his heart burned. She turned and strode towards the house. He watched her walk away and it felt as if all the lights had gone out in his world.

* * *

Ben moved into a unit in Nelson Bay. He should have moved further away—to the metropolis of Newcastle, an hour away and an easy enough commute—but he couldn’t stand the thought of being that far from Meg. What if she needed help? What if she needed something done before the baby came? She knew he was only a phone call or an e-mail away.

When he’d told her as much the day after the wedding she’d nodded and thanked him. And then she’d made him promise neither to ring nor e-mail her—not to contact her at all. He’d barely recognised the woman who’d asked that of him.

‘It shouldn’t be that hard,’ she’d chided at whatever she’d seen in his face. ‘In the past you’ve disappeared for months on end without so much as a phone call between visits.’

It was true.

But this time he didn’t have the distraction of the next great adventure between him and home. Was this how Meg had felt when he’d left for each new trip? Worried about his safety and concerned for his health?

Always wondering if he were happy or not?

He threw himself into preparations for the big things he had planned for his future—things he’d only hinted to Meg about. Plans that would cement his financial future, and his child’s, and integrate him into the community in Port Stephens.

But somewhere along the way his buzz and excitement had waned. When he couldn’t share them with Meg, those plans didn’t seem so big, or so bright and shining. He’d never realised how much he’d counted on her or how her friendship had kept him anchored.

Damn it all! She’d gone and wrecked everything—changed the rules and ruined a perfectly good friendship for something as stupid and ephemeral as love.

On the weekends he went out to nightclubs. He drank too much and searched for a woman to take his mind off Meg—a temporary respite, an attempt to get some balance back in his life. It didn’t work.

I don’t like the way you treat women
.

Whenever he looked at a woman now, instead of good-time sass all he saw was vulnerability. He left the clubs early and returned home alone.

‘Oh, you have it bad all right.’ Dave laughed as they shared a beer one afternoon, a month after Ben had moved into his apartment in Nelson Bay.

Ben scowled. ‘What are you talking about?’ He’d hoped a beer with his friend would drag his mind from its worry about Meg and move it to more sensible and constructive areas, like fishing and boating.

‘Mate, you can’t be that clueless.’

He took a swig of his beer. ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’ Did Dave think he was pining for greener pastures and new adventures? He shook his head. ‘You’ve got it wrong. I’m happy to be back in Port Stephens, and I appreciate all your help over these last couple of months.’

Dave had tipped Ben off about a local eco-tourism adventure company that had come up for tender. There’d been several companies Ben had considered, but this one had ticked all the boxes. Contracts would be exchanged this coming week.

‘This new direction I’m moving in is really exciting. I want to expand the range of tours offered, which means hiring new people.’ He shrugged. ‘But I’ve a lot of connections in the industry.’ He meant to make his company the best. ‘These are exciting times.’

Dave leant back. ‘Then why aren’t you erupting with enthusiasm? Why aren’t you detailing every tour you mean to offer in minute detail to me this very minute and telling me how brilliant it’s all going to be?’

Ben rolled his shoulders. ‘I don’t want to bore you.’

‘Oh? And sitting there with a scowl on your face barely grunting at anything I say is designed to be entertaining, is it?’

His jaw dropped. ‘I...’ Was that what he’d been doing?

Dave leaned towards him. ‘Listen, ever since you and Meg had that falling-out you’ve been moping around as if the world has come to an end.’

‘I have not.’

Dave raised an eyebrow.

He thrust out his jaw. ‘How many times do I have to tell you? We did not have a falling out.’