Firewalker (18 page)

Lily stared at him, dumbfounded. “But—I can't go back there,” she said.

“No. Not you. It's too dangerous there for you,” Rowan said in a low voice. “Just me.”

“I almost died the last time I went to the pyre,” Lily said, unable to believe that he was asking her to risk her life for this.

Rowan rubbed his face. “Because you'd fought an entire battle before trying to worldjump. This time, you'd just be sending me. I know you can handle that. And if you do get burned, Tristan will be here to heal you. I'll teach him how.”

Lily finally understood. She winced at the slippery, nauseous feeling in her stomach. It was as if she'd jumped a little too high and it was only now, at the top of the arc, that she realized how terribly hurt she was going to be when she crashed back down.

“That's why you wanted me to claim them so badly. And why you didn't want me to push Tristan away,” Lily said. “You've known from the start you wanted to leave me.”

His dark eyes narrowed in anger. “This has nothing to do with what I want.”

Lily thought of catching Tristan in the bathroom with Miranda. How stupid she'd felt for not knowing, and how small that hurt was compared with this.

“I thought there was no way I could know anyone better than I know you. I can read your mind, and I still had no idea,” Lily said, amazed. “It's impressive, actually. While I was planning our future you were planning how to get away from me.”

“Lily,” he said pleadingly. “Who would I be if I walked away from everything I've ever believed in and lived only for you? Would I be someone worth loving?”

Lily leaned back. “You see, that's the thing, Rowan. Whether you stay here or go back, it won't change me. I'll always love you.”

“Then let me go,” he whispered. “Because I can't love myself if I stay.”

Lily knew if she refused he'd have no recourse. She could keep him chained to her for the rest of his life, but even the thought was ridiculous. Rowan wasn't anyone's to keep. She remembered him telling Nina at the nightclub that he belonged to himself. She should have listened to him then.

“Okay,” she said numbly. She knew she'd already lost him, anyway. “I'll send you back.”

“I won't go until I've dealt with Carrick—or not until Tristan, Breakfast, and Una are trained,” he assured her. He could feel Lily detaching and pulling away, and it worried him. “You know I'd never leave you defenseless, right?”

Lily breathed a sad laugh and got out of bed. She felt heavy and slow and too empty to cry. “Sure, Rowan,” she said.

She left him sitting in her room, staring at the messy sheets. It was hours before dawn, but she knew there'd be no point in trying to sleep. More images of suffering swept through her mind. Pain. Begging. Blood. Carrick's face loomed over hers. Lily banished it all from her mind, unable to process anything else that morning. With an aching head and a blank heart she stepped into the shower to start her day.

*   *   *

“You were up early,” Juliet said right before Lily stepped out the door to go to school.

“Sorry if I woke you,” Lily replied, distracted. She waved at Tristan, trying to signal that he didn't need to get out of the car and walk her the twenty steps from the house. He was taking Rowan's admonishment to never leave her alone literally, and Lily wondered just how annoyed she was going to get with the constant supervision over the course of the day.

“I was already up. Guess neither of us slept well.”

Lily noticed that Juliet was wringing her hands. “What's the matter?”

“It's nothing,” Juliet said, forcing a smile. “Be careful, okay?”

“Let's go,” Tristan called out impatiently. Lily shouldered her schoolbag and ran to his car. Something about what Juliet had said nagged at her. She stopped and looked back, about to ask Juliet in mindspeak why she hadn't slept well, and saw Rowan watching her from the living room window. As she jumped into Tristan's car, the only thought left in her head was that she wanted to get away from him as quickly as she could.

As soon as they pulled away from her house, Tristan started eyeing her cautiously. “I think I can
feel
you,” he said, only partially freaked out. “And you feel terrible.”

Something popped inside Lily, and huge, hot tears spilled down her face. “Rowan wants to leave me,” she sobbed.

It had been such a long time since she'd had the luxury of being able to cry. For months she'd had to be strong no matter what she was feeling, and now that she was safe with her best friend it all came tumbling out of her in a hysterical rush.

Aided in her explanation by the images she passed to Tristan in mindspeak, Lily told Tristan everything, starting with the Outlanders and the Woven. She recounted Lillian's persecution of teachers, scientists, and doctors, and Lillian's law that magic—which the Outlanders couldn't access or afford—be the one and only way. She told him about Alaric's rebel tribe, and how they had fought back to defend three scientists, and how that battle had ended with her and Rowan accidentally worldjumping.

“And now he wants to go back and fight for his people with Alaric, but I can't go with him,” Lily said, hiccupping as they pulled into a parking space at Salem High.

“Why not?” Tristan asked, turning in his seat to face Lily.

“Because that's exactly what Lillian wants me to do,” Lily shouted, like Tristan should know that. “And he'd never let me, anyway. I almost died, like, every five minutes I was there. You think Rowan would ever let me go back? Or that I'd
want
to? Horrible things happened to me there, Tristan. I can't go back. Ever.”

Tristan reached out and pushed one of Lily's wild curls away from her damp cheek. “I guess you're stuck here with me, then,” he said quietly.

“Oh, Tristan, it's such a mess,” she said, fresh tears streaming down her face. “And the thing that's just killing me is that I had no clue he was planning to leave. I thought I knew everything about him, but I never even suspected—”

“I know,” Tristan said, pulling her into a hug. “It's the secret that hurts the most.”

“Yeah,” Lily whispered. She thought of how she was hiding the contact she'd had with Lillian from Rowan, and gnawing guilt swallowed what was left of her tears.

They heard a tap on Tristan's window, and jumped apart. Una and Breakfast looked in the window as Tristan rolled it down.

“What's up?” Breakfast asked, eyeing Lily's tear-streaked face meaningfully.

“It wasn't me,” Tristan replied.

“That's a first,” Una said, smirking. She looked at Lily and her face pinched in sympathy. “What happened?”

“We're going to be late,” Lily said, gathering her things. “Let's walk and talk.”

As the day went on, Lily recounted the situation for Una and Breakfast. She spent more time fleshing out the dire situation the Outlanders were in, how they didn't even have antibiotics to treat a fever, and the barbaric cruelty that Lillian exacted on anyone who even attempted to study science—even doctors who tried to heal sick children. The more Lily explained about Rowan's world, the more she painted herself into a corner. By lunch, she wasn't getting much sympathy from her mechanics.

“Lillian hanged Rowan's
father
,” Una said delicately as she opened her vintage My Little Pony lunchbox. “That would make anyone a little revenge-y.”

“She's also slaughtering what's left of his tribe because they're trying to make a better life for themselves,” Breakfast added, frowning down at his sandwich. “Damn, I'm not even from there, and I want to go fight.”

“Aw,” Una said, like she was looking at a fluffy bunny. “He's so cute when he wants to kill people.”

Lily looked to Tristan for help. “I get where you're coming from, Lily, and it sucks that he kept it from you, but come on,” he said, shrugging sheepishly. “Rowan's going back to fight alongside his stone kin—one of whom happens to be another version of me. How against that can I be?”

“So you all think I'm being selfish,” Lily said, frustrated. Silence. “Thanks, guys. I feel so much better after our little talk.”

“Lily,” Una said through a laugh. “You have every right to feel hurt. Secrets destroy relationships.” Una's face suddenly fell and she looked down at her hands. Lily saw a memory flash of a woman with Una's black hair and fair skin. Lily guessed from the feelings of anger, blame, and love she felt that the woman was Una's mother.

“But you all think he's doing the right thing,” Lily said, finishing Una's thought for her. Her mechanics nodded in agreement. “And you're right,” she said tiredly. “He is doing the right thing. I just wish he'd do the
wrong
thing in order to stay with me.”

“No you don't,” Tristan said bitterly. “When you lose respect for someone, Lily, you're done. You'd stop loving him.”

Like you stopped loving me,
he added in mindspeak.

Lily dropped her eyes and stared at her carrots. She'd gotten used to the Tristan in Rowan's world—the one who didn't know all of her faults and call her on them.

The day lurched on for Lily, in the most torturous way imaginable until last period when Lily felt Rowan's mind brushing against hers as she and Tristan walked to their last class.

Make sure they come home with you after school. They need to train.

I told them you were leaving. They think you're doing the right thing.

What about you?

I know you're doing the right thing. I don't have to like it, though.

“Lily!” someone called out urgently. Lily turned around and saw Scot making his way toward her through the crowd. She stopped and waited, surprised.

Who's that?
Rowan asked in mindspeak.

A friend of Tristan's who put something in my drink and tried to jump me at a party the night before I disappeared.

He did
what
?

Easy. I can handle him.

Careful. He's got the potential to be a mechanic.

Huh. You're right.

He'll chase you.

I can handle him.

Lily shoved Rowan out of her mind before he could get too worked up.

“I told you to stay away from her,” Tristan said angrily. Scot recoiled slightly, but gathered his courage. Lily noticed a red scar on Scot's cheek that hadn't been there before she disappeared.

Lily put her hand on Tristan's arm. “It's okay, Tristan. I have a feeling he just wants to apologize.” She turned to Scot and met his eyes. “Don't you, Scot?”

“Yeah,” Scot said, swallowing hard. “I didn't know a little vodka would do that to you. I just wanted to—” He broke off suddenly, looking at Lily desperately.

“You wanted to get me drunk and take advantage of me,” Lily said plainly. He grimaced like he was in pain, shifting from foot to foot. “Here's the thing, Scot. We're not going to be friends. We're not going to hang out. And if I ever hear even a whisper that you've tried that crap on some other girl, I'm going to come after you. Get it?”

Scot nodded slowly, his face frozen.

“Good.” Lily turned and continued on to her class.

“I think you made him pee a little,” Tristan said.

“He's lucky I didn't—” Lily stopped herself. Didn't what? Have him thrown in a dungeon? Hanged? Lily's insides chilled at how easily her thoughts had turned draconian. She remembered when she first met Alaric—how he'd made her meet his gaze and how he'd known without a doubt that she wasn't Lillian. He'd said there was no death in her eyes. Lily wondered what he would find inside them now. She looked at Tristan, laughed nervously, and pretended to brush it off. “I should have kicked Scot in the ding-ding.”

Tristan smiled, relaxing a little, but the tense set of his mouth told her that he hadn't totally let it go, either.

“That's quite a scar he's got,” Lily said quietly as they settled into their lab table.

“I hit him harder than I meant to,” Tristan replied, his tone heavy with regret. “I was so angry, and not just because of what he did to you, but because you were right. I left you with him at that party so I could cheat on you. I wanted to blame him for what I did.”

“Sorry I got you arrested.” Lily smiled at him, thinking how much he'd grown up since she'd left.

“No, that's on me, not you.” Tristan sighed. “His parents were right to press charges. I sent him to the hospital.”

“So you've forgiven me?” she whispered as Mr. Carnello swept into the room to start class.

“Of course,” Tristan whispered back. “I forgave you the second you got back, but I had to make you suffer a little.”

After school Rowan allowed only a short homework break for the other mechanics before diving into their training, starting with teaching them about burns and how to heal them.

“What's the big deal with burns, anyway?” Una said, frazzled. Lily could tell that she'd been standing over the hot cauldron inhaling fumes for a bit too long.

“Lily, would you show them?” Rowan said.

Lily walked to the fireplace and stuck her hand in the flames. Una pushed Lily back reflexively.

“Are you crazy?” Una scolded angrily.

“It's okay, Una,” Lily replied. “Look.” She held up her hand to show that it was uninjured. “The best way for a witch to gather energy is for her to go into the flames.”

“It's called firewalking,” Rowan said, breaking the tense silence. “It's extremely dangerous and very few survive it. Even those who can survive it, like Lily, are often injured.”

“But in order to generate enough energy to get Rowan back to his world, you'll have to burn me,” Lily finished quietly.