Firewalker (11 page)

“What's the matter with you?” she asked, keeping her voice down so she didn't wake her mom.

“You're hiding something from me,” he answered accusingly, his whisper coming out clipped and harsh.

“Yes, I am,” she admitted. “Aren't I allowed to keep a few things to myself?”

“Not this.” His dark eyes narrowed until they looked completely black. “I killed Gideon for imprisoning you in the oubliette. Now I need to know why I'm going to kill my brother. I need to know what Carrick did to you down there.”

Lily held her breath, her mind racing. If she gave him this, he'd never suspect what she was really hiding. She couldn't believe she was willing to relive even one second of her torture in Purgatory Chasm in order to protect Lillian, but given the choice, she knew what her answer had to be.

“Only a little?” she whispered. “I don't think I can take any more than that.”

Rowan nodded and stepped closer to her, his face softening.

Show me, Lily.

… The cold and dark go on forever. I shiver so spasmodically that my body aches. I think I must have been sleeping a moment ago, but something woke me. I sit up—panic giving me strength. It was the rope. The rope creaked.
He's coming
. I know it's Carrick. Gideon always announces himself, like I'm looking forward to seeing him or something. But Carrick sneaks down, like he knows what he's doing is wrong. I call out to him. He doesn't answer, but I know he's there. I start to bargain with him. I offer him things. Silly things. Important things. Anything. He ignores me. My words, my body, my promises mean nothing to him. All he wants is to hold my power in his hands. I'm crying, but I'm so dehydrated no tears fall. Just racking sobs that hurt more than proper crying would. Please, not that. Please. Don't touch my three little hearts. He hears me, I know he hears me because I'm screaming now. He picks up my willstones anyway. I hit the bars of my cell with my fists. I wail and shriek. I beg. God help me, I beg. The searing pain will end eventually, but the violation never will. Never. I hate you. I hate you. I hate me …

“Stop,” Rowan whispered.

“Had enough?” Lily said cruelly, wiping at her streaming eyes. She wanted to punish him for making her go through that again, even though a tiny voice in the back of her head kept saying she deserved it. She felt disgusted, but not with Carrick. With herself. Lily pushed Rowan away from her, shoving hard against his chest.

“It's okay, Lily,” Rowan said, capturing her wrists in his hands and drawing her against him. “It's not your fault.”

Lily shook her head. “I don't believe that. Isn't that crazy?” She laughed, although it was anything but funny. “That's the worst part. I feel like it's my fault it happened to me. Like I should have fought harder. Or I should have killed myself.”

“Don't say that,” he said harshly. Rowan studied Lily for a long time. “Do you know what it means to be a survivor? It means that not only do you have to live through things, you have to live
with
them as well. The second part is much harder and sometimes it takes the rest of your life to learn how to do it. But at least you have the rest of your life, Lily. And that's what's important to me.”

“Oh, I'm alive,” she said ruefully. “Even if I am damaged.”

“You'll heal,” Rowan replied confidently.

“What if I don't?” Lily asked, genuinely afraid that she would never be the same again. “What if I stay a little bit broken forever?”

“You might,” he said, lifting one shoulder like there was nothing anyone could do about it. “But I'd rather have you alive than perfect. If anyone says differently, then they don't really love you.”

“And you do?” she asked, not sure why he would love her anymore.

Rowan answered by opening up one of his memories to her.

… She's climbing down from the tree, muttering to herself, taking forever and making so much noise I have no idea how they're not hearing this all the way in Salem. She kind of looks like an angry squirrel with all the red hair fluffing around her head and shoulders. Feisty little squirrel. She has to be the feistiest person in the world. I wonder what her world is like. I know it's nothing like this. Last night, when the Woven killed that man beneath this tree, the look on her face was pure shock. She didn't get hysterical, though. She was in shock all night, but she controlled it and found a way to work through it. This morning she told a joke to make me feel better. She's tough and funny and caring. Beautiful. And that
ass
. Don't look at her ass, you idiot. It's the same ass you've seen a million times, so just forget about it because the last thing you need is to start remembering what it feels like. She really isn't Lillian, is she? She sort of is Lillian, though, in all the best ways. No, that's wrong. I'm not looking for Lillian in Lily anymore, and I haven't since we've been on the run. It's strange, but I'm starting to wonder if it wasn't Lillian I loved. Maybe what I loved was the Lily in Lillian. Oh, shit. I think I love Lily …

“A feisty squirrel?” Lily asked, incredulous.

“Is that seriously all you got out of that memory?” Rowan threw up his hands and turned away. Lily caught him by the shoulders and pulled him back to her, hiding her blushing face by burying it in his chest.

“No,” she replied.

She felt him relax against her, his arms easing her softer body against the solid angles of his. Very slowly, he pushed her hair back from her neck and brushed his lips across the skin just behind her ear. Barely touching her, Rowan swept his lips across her jaw to her mouth and kissed her so lightly it was like he was breathing her in. Lily leaned against him, trying to press closer, but he pulled away.

“Careful, don't press too hard against me,” he whispered, a pained expression on his face. “And I really shouldn't be kissing your skin yet.”

“Then don't,” she replied. Lily looked up at him and smiled slowly as she slid her hands under the hem of his shirt. She ran the backs of her fingers across his belly. His breath skipped. She tugged at his shirt and raised a questioning eyebrow. “Off?”

Rowan pulled his shirt over his head, leaving his willstone glittering on his bare chest. He stood very still and let her touch him for as long as she wanted, but kept his own hands at his sides. She'd never had the chance to explore a man's body before. She watched, entranced, as his skin flushed and his muscles jumped under her fingers. Fascinated, she lowered her head to kiss all the places she'd touched and felt him shiver.

Do you want to know what this feels like to me, Lily?

Yes.

Rowan opened himself up to her and she eased her senses inside of his. It was like sinking into an ocean and letting her body float inside a mirror-topped world that spread around her, unfathomably large and unspeakably beautiful once she dipped her face below the surface. She felt her hands on his chest in two-way, both touching and being touched. She traced his skin, following his need as her own. Learning him.

Enough, Lily.

Rowan stilled her hands and stepped back.

Are you serious?

“Yes,” he whispered through a laugh. “I don't want to rush. I don't want you to miss anything.”

“You made love to Lillian.” Her throat stung with the words.

Rowan was quiet for a moment before answering. “After a very long courtship.” He tilted her chin up so she had to look at him. “Trust me. It's better this way.”

Rowan brought her back to her room. One kiss was all he would give her before leaving her to stare at the ceiling, alone, and more than a little baffled.

Lily?

She didn't answer him. There was a knot in her throat, and she was scared that it was about to dissolve into silly tears.

Lily. I know you're awake and I know you're upset.

Wouldn't you be, Rowan? Wouldn't you be upset and confused if I wouldn't give myself to you?

Yes, I would be. So dream with me instead.

Lily wiped at a few escaped tears and sniffed.
What do you mean, dream with you?

We stay in rapport as we fall asleep. We share our dreams. Would you like to do that with me?

Yes.

I'll show you the way.

 

CHAPTER

5

“This is completely healed,” Rowan said, inspecting the bottoms of Lily's feet. “That means you can go back to school whenever. Tomorrow, even.”

“Good,” Samantha said. A hand fluttered up absentmindedly to her hair as she looked at Rowan and grimaced. “Dr. Rosenthal is getting a bit testy with me for putting it off. And that woman called again.”

“Simms? What did she say?” Lily asked, feeling a swell of protective anger.

“Oh, you know,” Samantha replied. “I'm just glad you're going back tomorrow.”

Lily tried to smile at her mother, but couldn't put her heart into it. She had gotten quite comfortable over the past week. Lillian had tried to reach out to her—usually when Lily was in a deep sleep and her spirit had strayed into the Mist. But on those rare occasions Lily had managed to quench her curiosity and push Lillian out of her mind. Lillian's attempts to contact her had become increasingly urgent, but Lily was determined not to give in to her own curiosity, and so far she'd been successful despite the mounting anger and desperation she'd sensed coming from Lillian.

Now that she had a clear conscience, the last few days had been some of the best in Lily's life. Every day she spent time with her mom, sister, and Rowan just relaxing and watching movies or reading books. Rowan was still struggling with culture shock and trying to learn as much of Lily's world as possible. Their worlds were so different that there was a lot to teach him.

In Rowan's world the Woven Outbreak had decimated the population of North America and had left just thirteen walled cities huddled against the eastern seaboard. Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia, and South America had abandoned North America to its fate in order to avoid any Woven contamination. Trade, immigration, and even communication had been banned between the Thirteen Cities and the rest of the world for two hundred years. In Rowan's world, North America was basically a plague zone that the other continents had decided to forget about.

Lily had still been unconscious at the time, but when Rowan learned that he could fly to Italy the next day if he wanted, or read any UK newspaper online with just a few clicks, he left the house to go look at the ocean for a few hours. When he came back, he sat down with Lily's laptop and began his self-education in what the world might have been if only the Woven hadn't been created. He liked this world, and Lily could see that he was adapting to it quickly. She started daydreaming about the future—about the two of them going to college and getting an apartment together, like regular folks. But even with his willstone-perfect memory, Rowan still had a long way to go before he could pass for a regular guy. He needed a crash course in pop culture.

Lily got a kick out of watching her favorite movies and TV shows with the excuse that they were “educational” for Rowan, although his response to certain movies wasn't what she'd expected. More than once, she'd found herself defending the awesomeness of
Star Wars
or
The Matrix
when Rowan shrugged derisively at both Luke Skywalker's and Neo's fighting skills.

“It looks fake,” he'd said apologetically. “And there's nothing special about being able to run up walls or do back flips over an opponent. That's kid stuff for a mechanic who has even a halfway competent witch. And the way Skywalker handles his weapon”—he rolled his eyes—“twirling it around like a toy so it makes a cool noise. What an idiot.”

“But Luke is in space.
You
can't fly through space in a spaceship,” Lily had argued, deeply offended for Luke's sake.

“No. But I don't need to,” he'd replied, pulling Lily close. “All I need is you and I can go anywhere.”

“But it's not the same,” Lily insisted weakly. He nuzzled her neck and the part of her that wanted to argue with him dissolved completely. “You're impossible,” she sighed, before melting against him.

“Anthony Bourdain is on,” Rowan had said, grabbing the remote.

“Whatever you want,” Lily sighed, relenting. He loved cooking shows and travel shows more than anything else, and if he found a show that combined the two he watched it obsessively. Lily couldn't say no, even if those shows made her want to eat the entire refrigerator.

If the days were fun, the nights were nothing short of spectacular—although still frustrating for both Lily and Rowan. He would only let her explore so far, and then he'd insist they separate. His dreams were getting increasingly vivid, however, and Lily suspected that it wouldn't be long before he realized that they had taken it slow for long enough.

Lily had even seen her father. That visit had been less than fun, but at least he'd stopped threatening to involve child services once he saw how improved Lily was. Even her dad had to admit that Rowan's doctoring was nothing short of miraculous, although he stubbornly refused to use the word “magic.”

And now all that was about to change. Lily was going to go back to school and leave Rowan behind. Even the thought of being separated from him for eight hours a day was intolerable, but what bothered her more was that he seemed to want her to go.

“Check again,” Lily pleaded. “The bottoms of my feet still feel a bit tender.”

Rowan gave Lily a doubtful look.

Lily, you have to go back to school.

But you won't be there.

I'll be here, taking care of your mother.