Firebird (The Flint Hills Novels) (19 page)

Annette awoke in the pitch dark to the sound of her name—
Annie.
Only her mother had ever called her Annie. She lay awake, listening, but she heard only the wind. She had fallen asleep in Ethan's arms.

She rose and pulled on her jeans.

Ethan stirred and mumbled, "I'm sorry, I fell asleep. What time is it?" He stroked the side of her arm while she put on her boots.

"I don't know. But I need to go."

"I should have set an alarm."

She found her cell phone in her coat pocket. "It's not yet ten. Nell hasn't called, so I guess everything's okay."

She pulled out her hairbrush and sat on the edge of the bed and brushed her hair. "Will you stay here?"

"Yeah."

"You're not going home tonight?"

"Nope."

"You haven't talked to her yet."

"No."

"She's making wedding plans."

"Yeah."

"Ethan, we can't go on until you do."

"I know." He sat up. "Can you drive okay? You want me to follow you into town?"

"I'll be fine." She turned and kissed him.

"Will you be out here tomorrow?"

"I was planning on it."

"Then I'll come by around lunchtime," he said. "I want you to drive with me to see the house."

"You'll talk to Katie Anne?"

"I will."

"Good."

Ethan lay awake and worried about her after she had gone. He thought he'd arrive early the next evening and start a fire in the fireplace, and he'd bring some sheets and blankets. It struck him that he had never bothered with this kind of thing before. Not ever. Not for any woman.

Ethan went back to Katie Anne's place the next morning. She was standing in the kitchen in her bathrobe heating water as he walked in. Ethan sat down at the table.

"Do you mind telling me what the hell is going on? Is that too much to ask?" she said.

"We have to talk," he replied.

"No. Correction.
You're
gonna talk."

She turned away to pour steaming water into a mug, then tore open a tea bag and immersed it in the water.

"I can't do this," he said.

Momentarily, she froze. "Can you please be a little more clear?"

"I can't marry you. I wish I could, but I can't."

Then, calmly, she poured out the tea, turned and walked away from him; she went into the bedroom and closed the door.

He tried the door but it was locked.

"Katie Anne, let me say what I've got to say. Please." He rattled the door. "I'm not the man for you. You know I'm not. I just can't love you the way you deserve to be loved."

There was no answer. Finally he went to the guest bathroom to take a shower, and when he came out she was standing at his desk in the living room looking over the blueprints of his new house.

"Where did you spend the night?" she asked.

"At my house."

"You slept on the floor?"

"Yeah."

She stared at him, waiting for him to destroy her world, and when he didn't have anything else to say, she grasped at the silence and held on for dear life.

"Ethan, I know you're scared. I know you, baby. Nobody knows you like I do. But it's gonna be okay. We're good for each other. You know we are."

She walked up to him and wrapped her arms around him and kissed him. She was naked underneath the short terry robe. "It'll be all right."

She felt so familiar to him. So known. Deftly, she began to unbuckle his belt.

"Don't," he urged, but she ignored him and slid to her knees. He looked down at her as she unzipped his jeans, at the rumpled hair, the pink chipped nails. He took her by the shoulders. "Katie Anne, we can't do this. I've hurt you enough. Let's not make it worse. Please. Don't make it worse."

"I love you so much, you bastard," she murmured. Her voice was choked with tears and her lips and fingers were moist, and he could feel her tongue on his erection. When he tried to stop her she pushed his hand away. Finally he pulled her to her feet.

"Don't," he said again, more firmly, and suddenly all her pain burst forth, exploding in long, strangled sobs. He let go of her and turned away and zipped up his jeans.

"Look at me, damn you, you bastard! Can't you even look at me?" she wailed, and when he turned around she slapped him hard on the face. Her eyes were swollen and red, and tears streamed down her cheeks.

"I never cry, 'cause you can't stand it!" she screamed. "So I never cried in front of you but, boy, if you only knew!" She pulled her robe close around her, to cover her nakedness. "If you only knew how much I hid from you! How much I'm still hiding from you! Because I know it'd just scare you away! Well, take a look at me now! And, goddamn you, you remember what it looks like! When you're lookin' into her eyes, you remember mine!"

She ran to the bedroom and slammed the door. Ethan stood in stunned silence, listening to her cry. Then he picked up the blueprints, gathered together all the papers on his desk and walked out of the house. He sat in his truck shaking, and feeling like slime. It had been ugly and he'd made a mess of it, but it was done.

* * *

Ethan pulled up in front of the Reilly house a little before noon and Annette ran out and hopped into the truck. She was breathless and exuberant. So very different from the woman who had been waiting to greet him in his office six months before.

He put the truck into gear and headed back to the road. "I was worried about you this morning."

"I'm good." She turned a smile on him, and the joy on her face swept away all his guilt and pain.

"How did Nell and your dad get along?"

"Okay, apparently. I found them watching TV. Somehow they managed to agree on a station."

"And Eliana?"

"She was sound asleep."

"That's good. I don't want you worrying about your little girl when you're with me." He reached for her hand and gave it a squeeze. "How do you think she'll take to the idea of having me around?"

"I think she'll take to it just fine."

"Say, have you had lunch?"

"No, but I could sure eat something."

He pointed to a brown paper bag on the floor at her feet.

"That's for you."

"What's this?" she asked, opening the bag.

"Jack's chili dogs. Better than Sonic's."

"Oh, Ethan! You're Christmas!" She rolled back the aluminum paper and bit into the dog. "I was wondering what smelled so good," she mumbled, brushing a crumb of bread from the corner of her mouth.

With a flourish of her napkin she gestured at the immense land that stretched beyond the highway. It was a clear, cold day, and the sky was a seamless pale blue against the dry, brown winter hills.

"It's magnificent," she said.

"You think you could handle it?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, nodding. "I know I could."

"It's a different life. You won't get bored?"

"Not as long as you keep reading Yeats to me."

"With a bit of Wordsworth thrown in."

"If you wish."

She finished off the chili dog with one last big bite; then she wadded up the foil and wiped her hands on the napkin and stuffed it in the bag.

"Move over here," he said softly.

She slid next to him and laid her head on his shoulder. "I love you desperately," she said softly.

"I guess that makes us two desperadoes."

"Do you think we need to offer some kind of sacrifice to the gods? Just in case they get it in their heads to steal back some of our happiness?"

"You really are afraid of that?"

"I really am."

"It's gonna be okay. Trust me."

"Have you told her?" she asked quietly.

"Yeah."

"How did she take it?"

"Not well."

"I'm so sorry. It's going to be very hard for her."

"I didn't handle it too well. I'm not very good at that kind of thing. I don't like hurting people."

"I hope this doesn't affect your law practice."

"Why should it?"

"Jer told me Tom Mackey's one of your biggest clients."

"Jer told you that?"

"Yes."

"Now, why would Jer be talking to you about Tom Mackey?"

"I don't think he was implying anything."

"Like hell he wasn't."

"It just came up in conversation."

"When was this?"

"After one of Eliana's riding lessons."

"Well, Tom Mackey's a big client, but he's not my only client. I have clients all throughout the state. People who don't even know Tom Mackey."

"What do you think he'll do?"

"Honey, Tom Mackey doesn't have a shotgun pointed at my head."

"I'm afraid you'll regret it."

"The only thing I'd ever regret is letting you walk out of my life and back to Paris, and never seeing you again. You're the one who'll more than likely have regrets."

"I'll be terribly homesick, I suppose. But I won't regret it."

Ethan reached the crest of a hill and the house came into view. He slowed and turned off the pavement onto a narrow dirt road. "What about your career?" he asked.

"I was thinking I could still tour here, in the United States."

"You bet you could. It wouldn't be big time like you're used to, but there are plenty of good orchestras in the region."

"I don't care about big time. I just want to perform again."

"Well, you need to think about it. Think about it all before it's too late."

"When is too late?"

"When you marry me."

She fell very still.

"You will marry me, won't you?" he said.

She looked up at him. "You're serious, aren't you?"

"Never been more serious in all my life."

"When?"

He put his arm around her and whispered, "This week."

"This week?"

"Tomorrow."

"Ethan!"

"I'm afraid I'll lose you."

"I'm not going anywhere. Not now. How could I leave you now?"

Ethan pulled up in front of the house and stopped. It was built on the back of the hill, with the top floor facing north and the two lower floors looking south. The view was spectacular.

"It's almost finished." He turned to her. "You think you'll like it?"

She smiled up at him. "Do you know how many times I've driven out here?"

"No."

"Dozens. More."

"I had no idea."

"I was always afraid I'd run into you."

He took her inside and showed her the layout, the newly installed marble countertops and the kitchen range, and then he guided her upstairs to the bedroom for the view. What struck him was how he'd walked these very steps with Katie Anne and how different it felt imagining living here with Annette. Like someone had reached into his chest and unplugged his anxiety and then flooded him with joy. He thought how close he'd come to making the worst decision of his life, and in the back of his mind as he stood at the window with his arm around Annette's shoulders he thanked the angels for their saving grace.

* * *

When Ethan got back to the office there was a sealed envelope from Katie Anne on his desk. Bonnie said she had come over to deliver it herself. Ethan uncapped a beer and sat down and tore it open.

Dearest Ethan,

I know I should have talked about this to you this morning, but I just couldn't. I couldn't stand to see your face when I told you. I've known for a while that something was wrong. We've gone through a lot of ups and downs over the last three years, and I think I know you pretty well. I could tell something was wrong. You were different somehow. I was just hoping you'd get over it.

Ethan, I'm going to have a baby. Please believe me when I say I didn't do this on purpose. You know I'm not ready to have kids. You know I'm not even really crazy about kids. And I wanted you all to myself. For a while at least.

Nobody's going to force you to marry me. I haven't told Daddy yet. I haven't told anybody yet. But I want you to know I'm going to keep it. If it was somebody else's baby I might think different. But if this is all I'll have of you, then I'll just have to love him twice as much, to make up for not being able to love you.

Katie Anne

P.S. I've kept the test strip to show you. It's a couple of days old but it hasn't changed.

Ethan's phone was ringing but he didn't answer it. It stopped, and then Bonnie came up the stairs and looked in.

"It's Mrs. McNeil. Can you take it?" she asked.

Ethan shook his head.