Finding Willow (Hers) (21 page)

“If you are going to be so fucking stubborn, I want you to take this with you.” When he turns around, I see it. He is holding a small, black handgun. I want to recoil away from him, but the simple idea of keeping that with me, even just in my purse, makes me feel so much safer with Blue creeping around. The more I think about it, the more I know I would never use it. Not in a million years. But it fucking empowers me in a way I have never been empowered before. It reaffirms the fact that I will never be a victim again.

“Chrome, I don't even know how to use that,” which is the honest truth. I have never even held a gun in my life. He begins a little Gun 101 class right there in his bedroom, and I feel a little bit more comfortable. I know I don't need the experience of shooting it to know how to keep myself safe and not shoot my own fucking foot off. It’s common sense. I carefully place the firearm into my purse and head for a much needed shower.

“Go to bed. I am going to freshen up and head out. I'm gonna stop at Maggie's and get Scarlett some more soup, too. If you want anything before I get back, just call me.” I lock myself in the bathroom.
His
bathroom. I lock him out of his own damn bathroom. I laugh because I know if I don't, there is no way I am ever going to get out of this house today.

God, I’ve missed him.

It's A Party

After fully surveying the outside of the house, listing all the yard work that needs to be done, I make my way toward the porch. The lawn is overgrown, the trees need to be trimmed, and some need to be pulled, along with a bunch of old shrubs that smell like cat pee. The driveway leading up to the house is far too overgrown to be safe; that will need to be the first thing accomplished.

I climb the steps and I hear something inside the house. It’s dark and out in the middle of nowhere. With the shade of the overgrown trees, I can't see much, even with the sunlight. I should have brought a fucking flashlight. That would have been the smart thing to do. I write it down on the top of my list with a bunch of exclamation points, because those will apparently make me not forget next time around.

I hear it again. It sounds like claws on wood. I don't want to find out what the sound is. I stomp on the porch a couple times, hoping to scare the shit out of whatever is scaring the shit out of me. My foot goes right through the rotted out board in the porch. Fuck. Damn. My luck.

I look up at the missing window as I pull my foot free, and I can see two eyes staring at me. I scream like the little bitch I am. I turn to run away, but my fucking foot slips right back into the hole I just created. Just then the owner of the eyes jumps out of the window and runs off the porch. My life flashes before my eyes, but it was only a fucking raccoon. You have got to be fucking shitting me. Maybe I am not cut out to live in the middle of the woods.

I laugh to myself and wonder how many more of those little fuckers are rooming for free in my new house. I won't be going inside to find out. Maybe I can get some kind of animal wrangler out here to put some traps in the house.

I pick my bag up from the porch where I dropped it minutes before and sling it back over my shoulder. I am so fucking done with this place today. A branch snaps in the distance; I can hear it crash through the cool fall afternoon. It is a common sound in these parts, especially this time of year. I unlock the car and climb in, backing up onto the grass so I can drive straight down the narrow driveway. I can barely drive, let alone back up all that way.

That is when I fucking notice it. That loud branch that fell Directly across the fucking driveway. There is no way I can get past it, and no way I can move the overgrown log on my own. Fuck it all to hell! My damn luck!

I put the car in park, grab my purse, and get out to see if it is as bad as it looks. Of course it is. The trunk of the oversized branch is too heavy for me to kick, let alone drag. I dig through my purse finally locating my phone and dialing Chrome. It rings for what seems like forever. His sleepy voice fills the line.

“Yeah, I am totally stuck at the house. This huge branch fell across the driveway.” I stomp my foot on the ground, as if he can see my little fucking fit through the phone. Not that I have anyplace else to actually be, but I hate being stuck anywhere.

“I will be there in a few. Is it a big branch? Do I need a chainsaw?”

I would think so. I mean, from the size of it, I would think he would need help. Although with arms like his, I wouldn't put it past him to just pick the shit up and toss it to the side. I chuckle to myself.

“Just come quick, I miss...”

I try to get the last word out when something hits me from behind. The phone goes flying and I scream. Shit, that hurt. I look up, expecting to see more branches falling down, but I can see clearly up to the sky. Not a hanging branch in sight. What the fuck?

My ears start ringing and instantly my head is throbbing. Of course, this is exactly what I get for coming here all by myself. I take a few steps and turn to walk back to my car, but I am paralyzed.

It all fucking makes sense now.

Nothing fell on me. Nothing about this was an accident, because about three yards in front of me stands Blue, holding a huge branch and standing next to a handheld saw. I might as well start my fucking Hail Marys now because he is going to kill me. Right here. In the middle of nowhere. He’ll hide the body and no one is ever going to hear from me again. I am never going to find my daughter. I am never going to know the love of a child. I will never see my thirtieth birthday.

My mind runs a mile a minute, thinking of all the possible ways he is going to kill me and chop me into pieces with the saw lying on the ground. I close my eyes and the tears start to fall. I swore I would never be his victim again, but some things just never change.

“I told you, Princess. You will always be mine. Stop fighting me. I have waited a long time for our family to be together.” His words make me want to vomit. My stomach churns, and I take a few steps back trying to put as much distance between us as I can.

Each step backward I take, he takes another step in my direction until my feet hit the branch. Fucking trapped again. I run through my mind; how can I get through to him? What kind of weakness can I play on that will make him leave me be? Leave me unharmed?

“Blue, if you ever cared about me, even the tiniest bit... you won't do this. You won't hurt me.” My voice shakes just as much as my body. I grip my purse tight against my chest. Holding it as if it is going to protect me from him.

“I would never hurt you, Princess. You’re my everything.”

I don't know why but his words snap something inside of me. I should be upset or sad. But I am fucking pissed. Rage floods through my body like fucking Niagara Falls. He would never hurt me?

“You would never fucking hurt me? Never hurt me? All you have done my entire
life
is hurt me! You ruined me! You took everything from me! I was a fucking
child
, Blue! A little girl!” My chest heaves, and I clench my bag tighter.

“You raped me! You took my fucking virginity by force! You don't care about me! You never fucking did! You would have never done that if you cared. You don't know what it
means
to care about another person. You take what you want and toss away the rest like fucking garbage!” My hand balls into a fist. I want to punch him. I want to hit him with the branch he is holding in his hands.

“I never hurt you, Star.
You wanted it
!”

The fucking balls on him. The fucking absolute audacity! I stand there in disbelief. Does he really fucking believe what he is saying?

My hands loosen and I remember the moments before I left Chrome at his house this morning. The fucking gun held safely inside my purse. I won't hurt him. I won't turn into a monster like he is. Maybe if I scare him, though, he will back up and leave me alone. Let me go unharmed.

But his words continue to repeat through my mind.
You wanted it.
I was an eight-year-old child. I was a sixteen-year-old virgin. I didn't want anything. I said no. I said stop. I screamed for help, but nobody came to my rescue. Nobody helped me!

“I didn't want it. I begged you to stop, but you ignored me. You ignored me! You hurt me! You ruined me! You ruined my entire fucking life!”

I slide my hand inside the purse, gripping the gun and letting the bag fall to the gravel at my feet.

“You took everything from me. You broke me,” I mumble. His bright blue eyes open wide with fear as he drops the branch to the ground and holds his hands up into the air.

“Star, Princess. Put the gun down.” He tries to walk toward me but I point it right at him. My hands are shaking and my eyes are flooded with tears. I can barely see, but I don't back down. I can't back down. It’s what he wants. It is what he knows I will do, because I have crumbled to his commands my entire life.

“Back the fuck away from me. Don't take another fucking step or I will kill you the way I have been fucking dreaming about for years.
Years
! Do you fucking hear me? Years! I have wanted you dead as long as I can remember!” I release the safety on the gun.

“The only way I will ever fucking be free from you is if you are gone. I have asked you to leave me the fuck alone for years. But no. You are just a selfish sack of shit! You are a fucking shitty person! You raped me! You couldn't take fucking NO for an answer! You treated me like a fucking possession, not a person! I thought I cared about you and maybe, for a point in time, I did. But I hate you. I fucking hate you. I hate everything about you. You don't fucking deserve to live. You will only do this again and again. To unsuspecting girl after girl. You are a fucking monster. I'll see you in Hell.” My hand shakes, but I channel everything I have in me to steady it.

“Don't do this, Star. What happens when you find Willow? How do you explain this to her?”

How do I explain it? I can't even fathom what he would do to her if he met her. I was practically his little sister, yet he thought it was okay to stick his fucking face in my cunt when he wanted.

“When I find
my
daughter, I will rest easy knowing her monster of a father will never hurt her the way he hurt me.”

With every last bit of strength I have left in me, I pull the trigger of the gun. Life moves in slow motion as the gun bucks back and falls to the ground. A scream rips through my weak body and a car skids behind me, but I can't move. I am stuck in the same place, the same position. The only difference is my hands cover my mouth in absolute shock that I just shot Blue.

His hands clutch his chest as a sea of red pours through the dirty brown jacket he’s wearing. Blue's eyes are wide, and he is struggling to stand. I watch as the life slowly drains from his face, and I don't feel an ounce of remorse for what I just did. It feels good. I should feel like a horrible person, but I don't.

“Star! Get in my fucking truck
now
!” Chrome's voice snaps me out of my shock. I turn to see Chrome's face plastered with disbelief as he runs up the driveway toward me. He jumps right over the branch blocking my car's path and pulls me into his arms, throwing me over his shoulder.

Blue falls to the ground still holding onto his bloody chest, and I start laughing. As Chrome climbs over the branch, my manic laughter gets louder. I can't control it. The blood rushes to my head and my face burns. Tears pour from my eyes as I continue to laugh uncontrollably. I wonder if he’s actually dead. Or if he is going to jump from the ground and haunt my life for another couple decades. My body meets the seat of Chrome’s truck as he pulls his phone out.

“The old cabin, now.” I don't know who’s on the other end, but I am not thinking straight at all. My hands are shaking and the laughing is turning into a full blown sob. I killed a person. I am a horrible person. Does it matter that he was going to hurt me again? Does it matter that he was a bad person? What gave me that right?

“Star, baby, listen to me now. I need you to be strong, back my truck down this driveway, drive to my house, go inside, and lock the door. Go in my bathroom and take a long shower. Do not go anywhere. Stay put until I get back. I will call River and he will help you. Can you do that, baby? Can you do that for me?”

I can hear Chrome's words and instructions, but they aren't registering. I try to block everything out the best I can. I really fucking try, but the only thing I can't block out are the coughing and gurgling noises I continue to hear coming from Blue.

“Baby, please. Take my truck and go to my house. Quick.”

I start backing the huge black pickup truck down the driveway. Slowly, careful to stay on the overgrown path. A pack of motorcycles rips past the truck, weaving up the driveway followed by an identical pickup truck. I don't want to know.

I cut the wheel and start the short journey to Chrome's house. When I pull into the driveway, River is standing in the doorway but quickly sprints toward the truck. He opens the door and kills the engine while I stare blankly at the steering wheel. I can't move. I can't speak. I can only think about the monster I am.