Finding Parker (13 page)

I looked up and opened my arms as if embracing the entire outdoor seating area. The thoughts and feelings I possessed were new to me, and I had not yet spoken with anyone regarding how I felt.  Simply stating my thoughts and what I was feeling caused me to come to believe my life may be changing before my very eyes.

“Wow. Huh. Interesting,” she paused and raised the plastic spoon to her lips and bit against it.

“Well, you’ve always lived a structured life and now you feel like you can let loose and become whoever it is that you’re supposed to become. I think we’re all who we are at birth, and it’s just a matter of time before we emerge our true selves. Sometimes it takes longer for it to happen. Maybe, for some of us, it takes an event or some happening to open our eyes to who we truly are. Oh shit.
Oh shit,
” her voice elevated as she pressed her hands against her thighs
.

“The fuckin’ salami. It was the when you choked on the salami sandwich,” she shouted and stood from the bench.

“What?” I stood up as she rose from her seat.

“Last month, when you choked on the sandwich and I saved you,” she laughed, “it was some form of spiritual awakening.”

A spiritual awakening,
as Kenton had described. He had described the event in the restaurant with Downes and the mother of the fatherless child as a spiritual awakening. By his own admission, it changed him from being a self-centered asshole into who he is today. Victoria could be right – perhaps it was the salami incident and my almost dying from choking on the sandwich. Maybe it was enough of a scare that it caused me to take a step back and look at my life’s accomplishments as nothing more than life itself. Quite possibly I have lived my life void of any resemblance of true emotion. Or, the presence of Victoria in my life caused me to realize I needed someone more than I had previously thought.

Maybe the path of our life
is
predestined at birth, as Victoria believes, and I’m simply finding myself. I suppose I could be determining who and what it is that I am to finally become. In a sense, I’m finding myself.

“Maybe you’re right. Maybe it was the salami, I don’t know,” I hesitated, looked down at my shoes, and attempted to mentally formulate the remainder of my response.

I truly felt confused.

“It was,” she said solemnly.

I considered what I wished to say, and shook my head to clear my thoughts. After a brief moment, I attempted once again to speak my mind.

“I’m not sure identifying
what
got me to this point is even important. Recognizing the changes in me, embracing them, and allowing – or I guess
accepting
them is what’s important. Earlier I kind of fumbled around with what I really was trying to say. Ultimately, what I wanted to say was that I love spending time with you. Sharing things with you makes me smile. So thank you. And let’s not stop this anytime soon,” as I looked up and into her eyes she smiled.

“I think we’re both seeing changes in ourselves. I know I have. I’ve always hated the thought of spending time with a man. Men suck. They’re all after one thing and one thing only. After they get it, they move on to trying it with someone else. I haven’t got time for their bullshit. And then along came you. Dressed in your little dress shoes, with your perfectly manicured nails – yeah, I noticed,” she paused and pointed toward my hands.

“And your blazer over your designer tee shirt. You interested me Parker,” she turned and tossed her empty yogurt container in the trash.

“But there’s so much more to you, Parker Bale, so much more. The more I get to know you, the more I grow to love who you are. So far, there’s really nothing wrong with you that I can see. You’re polite, kind, and you always say the right things. Sometimes you’re rather wordy with your explanations, but I think I have your grandmother to thank for that, and it’s part of what makes
you
you. And, what else did you say?” she slowly raised one eyebrow and stared into my eyes.

“
Let’s not stop this anytime soon?
Yeah, right. You’re never going to get rid of me. Never. Because
this?
” she waved her hand in a circle as she pointed down toward the sidewalk.

“This is only the beginning,” she smiled.

VICTORIA.
I had come to cherish my time with Parker more than I ever dreamed possible. I now not only yearned to spend time with him, I felt it was necessary to survive. I didn’t like feeling as if I
needed
someone – in fact, it left me rather uncomfortable. I don’t think I’ll soon share my feelings with Parker, because my emotions and desires may be advancing far more rapidly than his.

For now, I’ll sit and hope this never changes.

His absence causes me to question his existence as well as his devotion or interest. I often feel I should send him a simple text message just to have him respond – anything to prove he is still somewhat interested in me. Everything he does indicates his interest in me is consistent, but for some reason I want
proof.
I have a difficult time believing he’ll maintain this level of enthusiasm considering my position on premarital sex. He claims to possess the same moral standard I do regarding sex, but I find it difficult to actually believe him. For now, I don’t
want
to believe him, I
must
believe him. It allows me to hold onto this feeling that fills me every night as I lay in bed. I have fallen in love with Parker Bale.

And I am scared to death.

“It’s green, you dumb bitch, go already!” I screamed out the window of the car.

Either my screaming or the fact she finally emerged from the fog she was living in caused her to look up, realize the light was green, and accelerate. I pressed the clutch pedal, shifted my car into first, and mashed the gas pedal to the floor. As I carefully released the clutch, the car began to lurch forward.

And the light turned red.

Fuck.

I pressed the clutch and allowed the car to roll back into place behind the intersection.
I’m going to be late.
I squeezed the steering wheel in my hand and turned my wrist. A quick glance at my watch revealed ten minutes time before I was to meet Parker for lunch. I only had to go two more blocks, but for some reason I was having a difficult time.

It was one of
those
days.

As the cross street’s light turned yellow, I depressed the clutch and shifted into first gear. After a heavy foot on the accelerator, I was ready for this light to turn. I sat anxiously in wait until…

Green.

My tires screeched as I lurched forward and into the intersection. Fuck yeah. I shifted into second gear without letting up off of the gas pedal, released the shifter, and flipped my hair over my shoulder. Confidently and quickly, I glanced in the rear view mirror. As I shifted into third gear, I squinted and moved closer to the mirror. It almost looked like…

Great, I’m covered in sweat.

For some reason, since I started seeing Parker, I began to sweat. Either that or I began to notice
I sweat.
Regardless, in the last month or so, I’ve been sweating profusely. Without any activity or reason, I look like a gym rat or a professional athlete – one who has just finished a competition. As I attempted to blot my brow with the palm of my hand, I noticed the light at the intersection in front of me turn yellow.

And red.

I pressed the gas and accelerated through the light. A few honking horns reminded me it wasn’t the best of ideas, but it was over now. I pressed the clutch pedal to quiet the engine and turned into the alley which led to the parking in the rear of the restaurant – where the employees park.

Parker wouldn’t see my car if I parked it here.

Parker always parked in the street so he could keep an eye on his car, and for good reason. He had a very nice car and he needed to keep it that way. Mine, on the other hand…I dreamed someone would steal it. No one, however, dared. Hell, maybe several have tried for all I know, and weren’t able to keep the engine running. One advantage of owning a piece of shit car is that no one
wants
to steal it. In my particular case, no one was probably
able
to steal it
.

I stepped out of the car and slammed the door. I turned to face the car, my key firm in my hand, and began to lock the door. As I started to turn the key in the lock, I laughed to myself and hesitated. Without locking the door, I pulled the key from the door lock, unzipped my clutch, and dropped my key inside then zipped it closed. Still smiling, I peered around the corner of the back of the building into the alley toward the street.

Clear.

I took a shallow breath and walked briskly toward the street. At least for now, I had no desire to have Parker find out what I drove or where I lived. Introducing him to my mother was not an option. Not that she’d have a problem with it. Hell, she’d love him. But
I
had a problem with it. Her condition was embarrassing. I truly believe she remains in pain of some sort, but not as much as she continues to claim. And certainly not at a level which requires the degree of sedation she remains in. For now, I’ll have just a few secrets.

As I approached the restaurant entrance, I heard a shout from across the street. Parker, as always, stood outside his car waiting. He motioned for me to come to him, which I found a little odd. His being parked across the street and nowhere near an intersection would require me to jaywalk – or walk to the intersection and use the crosswalk. I looked toward the traffic light.
Two hundred yards.
I looked at Parker.

And ran.

“Stupid bitch!”
a motorist screamed as he honked his horn and flew past me.

He was close enough my dress blew against my legs. I stopped in the center of the street and allowed the cars to zip by me as I waited for another break in traffic. As soon as I saw an opening, I sprinted for the other side.

And Parker.

With his mouth open and his eyes widened, Parker caught me in his arms as soon as I hopped onto the curb beside his car.

“That was exciting,” I gasped.

“I can’t believe you did that. There’s a crosswalk right over there,” Parker said as he nodded his head toward the intersection a hundred yards away.

“Yeah,” I took a deep breath and smiled, “but I wanted you to catch me.”

He shook his head and scowled, “Had I known you were going to do that, I would have brought it to the restaurant.”

“It?” I asked.

“Well, I got you something. I wanted to give it to you. I’ve been standing here waiting, but I didn’t see you drive up. Where did you park?” he asked as he released me from his arms and stepped toward the car.

Got me something?

I tilted my head toward the restaurant, “Other side of the street, duh.”

Got me something?

He shook his head as he pulled an envelope from the car. Smiling, he stepped in front of me as he held an envelope close to his chest. Standing in front of me grinning, he looked like a little boy. A very handsome little boy.  A very handsome little boy clutching an envelope.

Got me something?

I pointed toward the envelope, “Is that for me?”

He nodded his head once sharply.

“Let’s wait until we get into the restaurant,” he said.

I turned and pointed toward the street full of cars, “So, why’d I run across the street?

He grinned, “So I could catch you?”

“Okay, now I’m dating a comedian. Hand it over, please,” I said as I help my hand out and smiled.

He placed the envelope in my hand and smiled.

Carefully, I unsealed the flap with my fingernail. As I pulled the card from the envelope, I couldn’t help but smile. I had hoped it was a card, but as Parker held it I couldn’t tell. As a little girl, probably until I was around seven or so, my mother always gave me birthday cards. After that, as she became more disoriented and sedated, she stopped getting me cards – and telling me happy birthday for that matter. No one else, at least that I can recall, has ever given me a card of any type.

The outside of the card was simple. Three beautiful flowers as if they were painted with water colors. And what appeared to be hand written, but was part of the printed card, the words
just wanted to let you know.

Eagerly, I opened the card. Only hand written words were inside. I looked up from the envelope and smiled at Parker, and quickly looked back down to read the card.

Victoria,

I cherish the time we spend together. Sometimes I believe I have such deeply seated feelings I expect those around me understand how I feel. That, of course, is not always the case. For that simple reason alone, I want to take time to tell you…

You mean the world to me.

And I want to do whatever I must to keep you beside me.

So please, and I am begging you…

If I ever do anything wrong, and I hope I never do, please take time to tell me.