Finding My Thunder (13 page)

Finding My Thunder 19

Later,
we sat on my floor, his legs open in a V and stretched out long, and me curled
on my side in between them so we could kiss so I could touch his face and he
could touch me and see me. I was bare to the waistband of Mama’s skirt, but it
was bunched high on my legs and he was studying each bit of me, running his
hands over. He was bare to his jeans and his thick leather belt was undone. “I’m
crazy about you in case you didn’t know,” he whispered as he nuzzled his face
against me.

I
did know. I knew. He told me, “You don’t know how much it turns me on to see
your breasts peeking through your long hair.”

I
nearly died when he said that. Then he took my hair and bunched it in his hand
and he used it to angle my face for my next kiss and more kisses, some on my
mouth, but some on my face, my nose and my eyes.

“I
want to see all of you,” he said and his face was unguarded and it took all of
the guts I could muster to look and I couldn’t look anywhere else for I had
never been the object of so much attention and then his, which was the most
powerful attention in the entire world, his was like standing in the brightest
sun and knowing you were an ant, a crumb, and yet you had to stand there and
you looked so long into such adoration you started to believe something good
about yourself.

“You
can see me,” I said and I heard him swallow, like his neck cracked.

“Better
not. Not right now. This is enough,” he said smoothing his rough hand over my
breasts. “God…I could look at these the rest of my life.”

I
was a little relieved, but I would have…shown him everything. I was painfully
shy usually, but not with him. With him I really felt like I could do it.

We’d
been playing the rest of Judy Garland. He liked “Somewhere Over the Rainbow,”
and we listened and I told him, “That’s where you take me.”

And
he laughed a little. “Yeah?”

“It’s
like another world with you,” I said. “Naomi’s been trying to get me to live
for heaven for years. But…you’re my heaven.” I traced his lips and they were
perfect.

I
was drunk on him, and really tired and so happy…I didn’t know I could be this
happy, and I knew I spoke out of that now and maybe later I’d cringe, but I
wasn’t holding back.

He
hugged me so tightly. “You’re
killin
’ me,” he
whispered. “Do you know that? You’re killing me with your sweet words…this
little body like a goddess…with sweet love. I might die up here tonight holding
you.”

“If
we could stop time right now…would you do it?”

He
kissed me again. “I would stay here forever if I could…with you. In my
mind…when we’re apart…this is right where I’m gonna be. Just know that. This is
what I’ll think about to get me through. This is what will get me home.”

I
sat up and looked at him, full in the face. I felt like a mermaid, my long hair
over my naked breasts and the long skirt twisted around me. I felt beautiful.

“But
I got to tell you…if we were gonna stop time…I’d take it further…I’d want to be
inside you,” he said bold.

“Inside
me?”

“Yes,”
he said and he kissed me full on the mouth and groaned.

But
I had to push away a minute, “Um…Danny…can I…I mean…you don’t just rub it on
me? You mean…it goes in?”

He
broke out laughing. “You’re kidding.”

“No.
I…it goes in?”

“Hasn’t
anyone told you? I know you had sex ed.”

“Well
it just confused me more. You got this thing like…an elephant’s trunk and it
gets with the woman and makes a baby. And that’s pretty violent. We had to
watch a movie of a woman having a baby in a fallout shelter and two girls
fainted and two more ran out.

“I
know if the man’s thing gets together with the woman’s parts then that’s it. It’s
pretty much what we just did only with clothes on. It worked for me like that. I
almost…it was really great. And…I thought you seemed…like it worked.”

His
mouth was hanging open. “Hilly…Dickens knows this. I mean…how can you be
fifteen….”

“Sixteen,”
I whispered.

“Sixteen
and not…didn’t your Mom or Naomi…?”

“Naomi
tried but…I was so confused when she got finished. She talked about the man’s
thing and the woman and covenant and curses and you better be married. I was
just…I guess I’m stupid. A stupid joke.”

“No,”
he held me to him laughing. “Wow. I’ve got my work cut out for me, I guess.”

He
laughed some more and I laughed too. “But you haven’t done it…you said.”

“There’s
a difference between not doing it and knowing how it’s done.” He laughed some
more.

“Okay,”
I conceded. “I’ve just…I’m pretty much alone, and I haven’t really had
friends.”

He
grew sober quickly. “It’s okay. I…like that you’re so innocent.”

“Not
so innocent. I am laying here without a shirt.”

He
laughed again. “You’ve got me now. And I ain’t going anywhere. Especially if
you stop time you powerful girl.”

I
wished I could. I wished I had my hand on the big time-clock that only God
could operate. If I had my hand there it would always be the summer of
nineteen-sixty-seven and Judy would be singing about rainbows forever while I
laid in Danny’s arms and learned about the birds and bees.

Finding My Thunder 20

Danny
and me awoke when my alarm clock went off like Satan ringing a bell right out
of the fiery place. Naomi always said the Lord’s Day started on the Saturday
night before when church folk needed to be laying out their clothes and taking
a bath and getting a good night’s rest to be ready come morning for worship.

Danny
and me had slept on my floor. And we hadn’t slept much, but just enough so we
could feel the lack when it was time to rise.

Well,
I had failed to stop time. I was trying to hide my chest while I ran about
telling him it was almost time for church and he had to go home. “You don’t
have to come to Temple,” I said. “I’ll just go. I don’t expect you to. I don’t
want you to go,” I said.

“Why
don’t you want me to go?” he said buckling his belt and looking for his shirt.

“You
won’t be used to it. She doesn’t have any right to say you have to come to
church.” His eyes weren’t missing much as I found my robe and stuck my arms in
it, wrapping it around me.

“I
said I would go.”

I
grabbed clean clothes for my shower and turned and he was right there.

“Hey,
hey.” He kissed me. “I’m
goin
’.”

So
after a few more kisses he went downstairs and left and I began to hurry to
make myself presentable.

In
the shower as I scrubbed my hair I was humming “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” As
I put on my white bra and my bikini underwear I belted out, “…why oh why can’t
I?”

Then
I pulled on a long dress I’d sewn myself. It was white with little blue
cornflowers all over it. I wore my sandals with it. As for my hair, I brushed
through it so it could dry by the time we got to Temple. I wore some lipstick. Pink.
I was afraid of the white I’d bought. I didn’t think it worked on me with my
skin. I put some blue eye shadow on. Not thick, just a little and rubbed it over
my eyelids with my finger hoping I could somehow favor
Petula
Clark just a little. I sprayed some Heaven Sent on a tissue and wiped both my
wrists. That was it.

I
grabbed my bag and ran back to Naomi’s. She was singing hymns while she filled
a basket with the millions of things she had to take all the time. I plowed
right through, “When the Role is Called Up Yonder,” which reminded me of a big
jelly doughnut for some reason, and I said, “I’m gonna wait outside for Danny,”
and as I said that he was pulling up.

I
blushed to see him standing outside the car in the light of day looking so
handsome I nearly choked and had to cough but I cleared my throat instead and
caught myself running to him. So I stopped and just walked. “Hey,” I said. “She’s
comin
’.”

He
wore a white shirt against his dark neck and wrists and hands, those hands,
Lord. The church ladies would die and rise again when they saw him.

“I
don’t get my good
mornin
’ ?” he said.

“You
already had it,” I sang, then I noticed life in the car and I looked and there
was a little dark haired sprite looking back, just the prettiest little thing.

“I’m
Annie,” she said.

“She…wanted
to come,” he said, such a soft look in his very tired eyes.

“Oh…that’s…I’m
glad to meet you, Annie,” I said.

“You’re
Hilly,” she said when I reached my hand to grasp hers, the gentle grip and the
chipped pink polish on her nails. “I’m nine,” she told me.

“Good
to know,” I said.

So
we got in the car and I sat on my side in the front seat and smiled at the
little girl gone shy now. I hoped she was up for Temple cause it could get
pretty wild. “I like your dress,” I told her.

She
smoothed over it a little. Pink cotton with no sleeves and a full skirt. Small
embroidered flowers around the neck. “Mama made it,” she said.

That
almost brought tears to my eyes. I didn’t know why. “I like your headband too.”

It
was pink plastic. She made a project of pulling it forward and scraping her
glossy short hair back. “You’re pretty,” she whispered.

Danny
laughed and I looked at him and smiled. “Did your brother pay you to say that?”

She
giggled. “No. But he did give me a quarter so I’d be good.”

We
all laughed now and Danny flushed dark.

Naomi
came out then and Danny got out and took her basket and helped her get settled
in her car. She finally pulled out and we followed her big blue hat and her
shiny bumper all the way to Temple.

Across
the street from Temple was the gas station where the men gathered on a Sunday
morning, bottles wrapped in brown paper and passed as they told their stories
and laughed. Their hero stood in green uniform, home from basic training
hurrying toward the war.

In
Temple, the women spread out amongst the fourteen pews, seven each side of the
aisle with the pulpit up front, the old piano and the steps for the choir of
nine strong voices. Like Nina Simone. Like Judy. Like Sandy and Grace. Like
Aretha and Joni and Janis.

We
filed in the pew and I kept introducing Annie and Danny and Sister
Arnet
said, “Oh girl he is fine.”

Well
he was fine. So fine. And Annie giggled and she stood between Danny and me and
Sister Beatrice was at the piano and she hit all the keys to get it fired, and
us fired and the ladies stood and the tambourines came out, and Annie’s eyes
were big and wide. And Danny watched until he clapped along with them, with me.
And Annie, the chipped pink fingers so sweet, so gentle.

And
the singing…and the harmony…and the feeling…and the soulful wail and praise. I
could not be embarrassed. This was my life. They were my world. I was not them.
But they were me. I could not explain. I was always alone with them around me,
with Naomi, with Mama. Until Danny I had not felt someone of my own someone who
plowed through…me.
 

And
they raised their arms in their flowered dresses in their deep colors and they
praised and they danced and the sounds went out the open widows and mixed with
the cars and the men and the streets baking in the sun and the hair and the
heads and the laughter and the tears.

Naomi
said the best things we ever do are those done with the intention of serving others.

And
I put my arm along the back of the pew behind Annie’s dark head, and I touched Danny’s
shoulder and he looked at me, but I did not look at him, not directly, I just
touched, I quietly blessed, for that is what he would do when he went to
Vietnam he would lay down his life for his country. He would serve. And I was
proud. I was so proud. I was so proud.

But
I kept my hand on him, I gripped his shirt, and he looked at me again, but in
my mind…in my heart I said to God…I said…spare him and you have me.

They
were all singing surrender. They were all saying, anything, anytime, anywhere.

But
I was not singing that, I was setting terms. They were simple and profound. Leave
him alone. Do not touch him and I will be yours, no more resistance, no more
hiding. I will serve. I will paint the Temple, I will weed the yard, I will go
door to door and work for the Democrats. I will do fund raisers. I will walk in
the protest marches. I will babysit more. I will stop smoking. I will stop
cursing. I will stop missing Temple. I will get baptized. I will sing in the
choir. I will hand out flyers that advertise our services. I will read
Scripture. I will not think hateful things about other girls. I will not be
sarcastic in my mind. I will have sex with Danny and for that, with all else
I’m going to stop doing, you will have to look the other way. But I won’t drink
or do drugs.

Just
don’t touch him. Protect him and bring him home to me. After the parents you
gave me I think it’s fair trade. Just let me have Danny. Amen.

Finding My Thunder 21

We
stayed at Temple after service and helped set up lunch. Annie put salt and
pepper shakers on the five tables. She made a friend with one of Sister
Beatrice’s daughters. They were soon running around playing tag and getting underfoot.
Danny sliced the ham as our only other man was in Vietnam.

We
ate an ample lunch and he told them, when asked, about his number, that it was
low and he planned to enlist and they didn’t judge that at all, they were proud
right off and they let him know and pretty soon they were giving him an
envelope, and he asked me, what’s this? And I knew it was money, a collection
they’d taken quiet to show him their support. I knew it was rarely over
fourteen dollars because they would give what they had, the widow’s mite, they
would give until it hurt because it hurt them more not to give. And I thanked
them, made sure I kissed each one, not because he needed it, their kindness,
but I did, I always had.

And
they took their time hugging me, patting me, asking me if I was alright and
with them I was even as I held back…and in…but today, right now, I was hugging
them back, I was taking a step. It was a new day.

We
were soon driving home. We all three sat in front. Annie in between. Danny and
me smiled at one another over her head. He tried to resist the envelope but he
caught on quick once he looked at me and I told him with my eyes to take it and
say thank you.

When
I could reach him I’d whispered what Naomi had often said, “Sometimes you are
the one God picks to be helped so others can feel the blessing of giving.”

And
he’d surrendered and put the envelope in his shirt pocket, white on white over
his heart but inside, the color, the green and silver. The soul.

I
ran my hand through Annie’s silky hair. She examined the blue on my eyelids,
and smelled my wrists and asked to try on my sandals, my bangle bracelet, my
birthstone ring.

She
wanted to know how long it had taken me to grow my hair so long, and she told
me she would never cut her hair again, until it was long as mine. She wanted to
know if she could go back to Temple. And was I in love with Danny?

“Annie,”
Danny said.

“I
know. I won’t tell. But are you getting married?” She asked either one of us. She
just wanted information. At first we were silent, then we laughed.

“We’re
too young,” he told her and he smiled at me.

“Yeah,”
I said slowly.

“I
want you for my sister,” Annie said fast and self-consciously to me wearing a
silly grin.

“Well,
we can be friends. That might be better since you already have so many
siblings. Me, I’m an only child,” I said.

“Do
you have books?” she asked one ear all the way on her shoulder.

I cleared my throat and said quickly, “Nancy Drew.”
    

“Really?” she squealed, a desperate look on her face. “I’ve
read eleven and sixteen and I want to go back and start at the beginning but I
have to babysit and Mama won’t let me walk to the library.”

“She will too,” Danny said.

“Nu-uh,” Annie said.

“I have one through seventeen, but after that it’s to the
library,” I said sheepishly, not used to being the girl who had anything anyone
wanted…not until Danny and now his little sister.

Annie was squealing again and grabbing onto my arm as she
bounced between us.

“That’s it. You’re going home first.”

“But I want to borrow a book,” she pled.

“I’ll bring it home. I promise,” he said.

She clung to me now, her bottom lip jutting out.

“If you want to come again you have to be good,” he said
softly.

She
reluctantly complied when we dropped her off. He let her out on his side not
wishing to flaunt me in the neighborhood, especially at his house with so many
eyes. She kissed my cheek and got out quick. I felt the imprint of her soft
little lips and put my fingers there.

After
Danny got in we pulled down the street some. We were holding hands on the seat
where no one could see. It was warm there from Annie. I had just thanked him
for being so patient and kind at Temple and he told me he liked it. And we were
laughing over something Beatrice said when I saw it, Lonnie’s truck in front of
my house piled high with gypsy wares. I could barely grasp it but I knew what
it was. He was moving them in.

“Stop,
stop, stop,” I said.

He
stopped in the street and looked at me then where I’m focused.

“What
is that?” he said, meaning the piled truck.

“His…new
family,” I said.

“You
mean it?” he asked, ready to be told I joked.

I
nodded but I didn’t look at him. I stared at Lonnie buzzing around his truck as
he untied the rope that bound the prize. His eagerness showed in his step, in
his laugh with the
teenaged
boy who waited to help.

“So
you knew about this?”

I
didn’t answer.

“This
is why you threw the bottle.”

I
nodded but I couldn’t look away. Lonnie had the rope off and he hopped onto the
tailgate. Hopped, he was that eager and newly young. He grabbed one of the
mattresses and pulled it toward him and the boy grabbed on and you could tell
they were laughing together now, no cursing, no screaming.

Danny
tightened his grip on my hand.

“Can
we just sit here a minute and watch?”

“Sure,
baby,” he said low, “but…are you sure? You don’t want to go up there and stop
him?”

I
smiled as I watched the two work together to get the mattress off. Then they
were hauling it through the gate and up the steps.

“Where’s
Sooner?” Danny said now watching as avidly as me.

“She’ll
stay under the porch. She’s smart that way.”

“Is
the
dogfood
on the porch? The kids will see it. They’ll
say, oh you’ve got a dog,” he warned cause he was like Dr. Spock or something.

“Yeah.”
I barely moved my lips to answer him. I saw the woman now, wearing
short-shorts,
hotpants
, dressed naked, looking into
the bed, reaching in and lifting a pressure cooker out. Lonnie came out now. He
touched her waist, he kissed her and they laughed.

She
was
Loreena
. I’d seen her before but I hadn’t looked
like I did now. He’d said there was a woman who could help him.

A
little girl…upset about something, stomped her foot. About Dickens’ age.
Loreena
listened and soothed and went back in the house
with her. The boy was out now…he was helping Lonnie with the next mattress.

“It’s
Ozzie and fucking Harriet,” I whispered, then I remembered I was giving up
cursing and I’d just said the big one. I told God I was sorry real quick, but
then I thought that I was mad at him for this and I wondered if him and me
could ever really be friends.

“Hilly…what
are you going to do? Fuck him. Go live with Naomi.”

I
cleared my throat. “That’s a…what he wants. He asked me to move in with her.”

Danny
took his hand away from mine and punched it into his palm. “I swear just say
the word and I’m going to rip his damn head off.”

“No
you’re not. You have to work for him. So just calm down.”

He
was grinding his fist into his palm, working his jaw and staring at the scene
with me.

“He’s
the biggest asshole in the world. He doesn’t deserve you. You’re so much better
than him. He’s trash. He’s trash to the bone.”

“Naomi
says we first dehumanize those we chose to oppress.”

“What?
Speak English.”

“You’re
dehumanizing him. It’s dangerous. He’s my father and your boss. Looks like he’s
about to tie the knot again because the neighbors won’t tolerate someone living
in sin. Guess he thinks he’s Richard Burton and she’s Liz.”

“Will
you stop talking like that? You sound dead.”

“No
such luck,” I said.

“Oh
that’s great. You wish you were dead now?”

I
sighed. His dark eyes were too much. “No.”

“Well
don’t talk like that.”

“I
was joking. Using humor to deflect the awkwardness of watching my father adopt
a new family after knowing years of his rejection.”

“I
swear you scare me,” he said pulling me over to him even though we were on the
street in broad daylight.

I
was so tired I could barely respond. I knew he was, too. We’d barely slept for
days now. Well, the whole time in the hospital. I was tired beyond belief.

“What
do you want to do?” he asked me, his arm around me tight.

“Just…take
a nap. On Naomi’s couch. I can just walk.”

“Don’t
be ridiculous.”

He
took me to Naomi’s. She wasn’t home yet. “I’m going to sleep. I guess I’ll talk
to you later?”

“Where
will you be later?” he asked.

“I
don’t know,” I said honestly.

“Well…I’ll
find you,” he said.

“Danny…everything
I own is in my room. And all of Mama’s stuff. I haven’t even had a chance to go
through her things.”

“I
know baby. You just go in Naomi’s and go to sleep.”

“I
want to. But…I don’t know if I can. But I will.” I got out then.

“You
want me to come sit with you?”

“No.
Go on home. We’ll talk later?”

“We
will,” he said.

I
slowly walked onto Naomi’s porch and he was waiting for me to go in and I was
waiting for him to leave. “Bye,” I called and waved. He took the hint but I
could see he was perplexed. He backed out and went slowly down the alley.

And
I picked up my long dress and ran for Mama’s house.

I
went in the back door. Boxes cluttered the kitchen. The pressure cooker sat on
the floor and I nearly tripped on it. The woman,
Loreena
,
was coming in the front door laughing, her arms filled with bedding.

I
was standing there in the entry hall.

“Hello,”
she said. I kept looking at her.

Then
over her shoulder she called, “Lonnie,” but she kept her eyes on me.

Lonnie
came running. He was behind her. His eyes met mine and I watched the joy run
right out of them.

“Hilly,
this is
Loreena
,” he said the way you’d talk to a
bear in the road.

I
just kept staring. I felt no social burden whatsoever.

Uncomfortable
now he tried to be jovial. “She’s got two children you go to school with. Well,
the boy…Jody…he’s about your age. He’s fourteen.”

“I’m
sixteen,” I said because I would be in three days.

His
eyes grew big.
Loreena
did a little laugh and thought
she’d help him out I guess. “Time can sure fly.” She had big teeth.

The
little girl came down the stairs. That meant she’d been upstairs and there
wasn’t but three things up there, the bathroom, Mama’s room and mine. My eyes
went to that kid then to Lonnie and he looked more worried than I’d seen since
the day Mama died and he had to show up at the hospital…since the day I’d
thrown the bottle but then only a flash.

“You
don’t have to worry about your mother’s things.
Loreena
and Darla got them nearly packed….”

I
ran for the stairs. He tried to block me but there was nothing behind it. The
little girl plastered herself on the wall and I ran up there.

“We
were real careful, honey,”
Loreena
called and I went
to Mama’s room and boxes sat around and I saw things folded…and her furniture
was clear and her bed taken apart, the mattresses standing against the wall and
in the middle a box of things I did not know, girl’s things and the colors….”

I
fell down. I did not faint but my legs folded. I heard yelling and stomping on
the stairs and Danny around me and telling me it was okay, it was okay and he
picked me up and he half-carried me to my room and my things had not been
touched, and he placed me on my bed and sat next to me but I curled away from
him, and he stayed there and when someone looked and said something he
answered, “Just leave her alone. Just let her rest.”

And
I felt him get up and I heard him close my door and he shuffled around and Judy
Garland started to sing about the rainbow and the bed dipped and he pulled me
against him and I rolled over and put my arm on him and my leg and he held me
there and I cried and I grew still and he held me and I held him.

“If
you leave,” I finally whispered, “don’t forget Annie’s book.”

“I’m
not leaving,” he whispered and he kissed the top of my head.