Finding Grace (32 page)

Paul had forgotten Luke was even in the room until
he cleared his throat and said, “Dagger scares everybody, except
Paul.”

“And Thorne,” Paul reminded them.

“And she’s gone. She left because of the way I
looked at her after she showed me those scars on her back. You
can’t imagine. The photos don’t even come close. She’s much smaller
in person and they’re…Then she said my eyes are like Jack’s, and
she’d rather go back to the animals that did it to her than see in
his eyes what she saw in mine. It didn’t register then, I didn’t
know…or why her voice sounded like it does, or believe her about
not going to bars…Jesus, to think she can stand to let a man touch
her after that…and my poor bastard brother Jack is in love with
her…Oh God, Paul, if he doesn’t find her, he’s never going to
forgive me, and I won’t either.” Joe really was crying now.

Paul almost felt sorry for him. “It doesn’t sound
like it was really your fault, Joe, much as Dagger would like to
blame you. True, you poked the bear, both of them—hell, all of
’em—but it’s really not your circus. My advice to you, Joe, is to
pick up a damn shovel, clean up whatever shit you can and learn how
to shut your fucking mouth while you still have all of your teeth
and can breathe through your nose.”

Chapter Twenty

“Shit, that went well. She’s long gone and now I owe
Luke, too.”

Dagger pulled out one of the chairs around the table
in the big office where Paul and Joe and Farley were sitting and
straddled it. “Jefferson said she brought him breakfast and said
good-bye around eight-thirty. But it was already ten by the time I
found him. I ruled out the airport and train station. She’d need ID
for those. Since she doesn’t drive, that left the bus station.”

“And lemme guess,” Farley said, “Nobody could ID her
from your description: Five foot nothing, non-specific gender,
wearing a coat, hat, and sunglasses…” He shook his head
gloomily.

“Worse, they wouldn’t even talk to me. And when I
tried to lean on them, I guess I might have been a little intense
because next thing I know I’m in fucking jail. If Luke hadn’t been
in his office, I still would be.”

“What’d he say?” Paul could just about imagine how
that conversation had gone, but he wanted Dagger to repeat it, to
make sure it sunk in this time.

“The bastard told me…he told me to get a grip.”
Dagger winced and looked at the wall. “Jesus.” He took a deep
breath. “So what did you get out of Joe?”

“I’m sitting right here, Jack.”

“Even if Paul did scrape some of the smug off you,
I’d still rather kill you than talk to you,” he said without
looking at Joe. “So, Paul?”

Paul had been debating how much information to
share. “You know how she feels about pity, right?”

Dagger nodded. “We straightened all that out.” At
least they had to his satisfaction.

“Ah, Dagger, I don’t mean to pry, but you haven’t
seen Thorne naked in, um, daylight, have you?”

“No, I haven’t. Not that it’s anybody’s goddamn
business. She feels safer in the dark and she’s got a thing about
those manacle scars.” Dagger’s eyes narrowed. “Is that what you she
showed you, Joe, a few scars? Is that your big thing? Something
else to hold against her? You asshole, did you make her feel bad
about them?”

Joe paled. “I didn’t mean…She said I have your
eyes…Manacle scars? No, they were…oh God…”

“It’s not his fault, Dagger, as much as you want it
to be. And it’s not yours either. Thorne’s just afraid that…” Paul
felt like someone was pulling his teeth.

Several computers chimed the you’ve-got-mail tone
simultaneously. Farley got up from the table and went to one of the
desks. “Hey, it’s from Thorne.”

“Quick, track it,” Dagger said on his way to another
desk.

Paul heard Joe breath a sigh of relief that echoed
his own. Saved by the bell.

“She sent it to everyone, including Luke and Trent.”
Dagger sagged in his chair and turned away from the monitor.

“Guess I’ll just read it to you all, then,” Paul
said, moving to the third desk.

Dear Everyone Who Matters,

I’m not any better at this interpersonal shit in
writing than I am when I’m talking. But it turns out that I
couldn’t just leave and not say anything. I don’t have any more
time or patience to keep writing and deleting. So, if you’ll
continue to bear with me this one last time, I’d really appreciate
it.

First, I want to thank all of you for everything:
Luke, for believing in me, Paul for trusting me and taking me in,
and all of you for making me feel like I belonged—even you, Mills.
I’ve never felt that before and I don’t expect I will again. You’ll
never know how much it meant to me, or how sorry I am that I
couldn’t handle it.

It comes down to this, and if you can forgive the
semi-metaphor, maybe you can forgive the rest, too :-)—Mills, just
follow along as best you can—I learned early how to hide my scars
(a hint for Mills: flaws, weaknesses, fears). I kept them hidden
and avoided mirrors. As long as I never really needed anyone, there
was no risk of them being revealed. I was pretty good at hiding
them too, even before. And I got really good at it after. I guess
having literal scars to work with helped, too.

But then came that night at The Plaza. Then came
Jack. Then came the damned needing and the fucking mirrors right
along with it. I tried to close my eyes, as much as I tried to
close yours, Jack. But in the end, I had to know how I’d look if
you really saw me. The reflection I saw in the mirror of Joe’s
eyes—so much like yours—was too much. Be glad you never had to see
it. Go ahead, ask Joe if you don’t believe me.

Oh, and while I’m waxing wise, take it easy on him,
Jack. I’ve given you my best and look how bad it sucks. I know it
sucked bad with Joe, but it was probably his best, too.

Always,

Thorne

P.S. Mills, if you don’t get it, ask Farley. He’s
deeper than he pretends to be.

P.P.S. Sorry for blowing your cover, Farley, but
that’s what you get for all of those lewd little comments and
thinking I didn’t hear them.

“Smartass.” Farley pecked away at the keyboard for
another minute. “Shit. I tried, but Thorne, I ain’t. It’s coming
from an internet café. No surprise there. She bounced it around,
but I think it’s somewhere in Portland.”

“She’s like a cracked mirror herself.” Joe was
sitting quietly, resting his chin on his knuckles.

“What do you mean by that?” Dagger started to rise
from the table.

“Relax, Jack. I just mean that she has so many
faces. When I met her, I thought she was a bimbo. Later, she
sounded like an intellectual sometimes. I thought she was acting,
especially when at the club she handled herself with all the grit
of a girl from the streets. This morning, like now, she all was
deep and poetic. And then I learn she’s a computer whiz Ph.D. and a
hobby psychic.”

“They’re all her. She’s more like this diamond,
Joe.” Dagger was playing with the ring. “And you left off
‘smartass.’” The corners of his lips almost turned up.

“I thought Farley covered that.” Joe’s smile was
just a little more visible.

“Well, there’s no way I’m going to find her if she
doesn’t want to be found. The only people or places she has any
connection to are here.” Dagger’s tone was emotionless,
matter-of-fact.

“That reminds me, Katherine said that Trent wasn’t
surprised she ran away, but he had no idea where she might have
gone. It also reminds me of something else. I think you all could
use some cheering up. Maybe it would be a good time to open—I’ll be
right back.”

Paul came back from his office with two envelopes.
“Open these. Everyone in the company gets one, and they are all for
the same amount.” He passed one to Dagger and another to
Farley.

Envelopes tore; Farley whistled and Dagger
frowned.

Joe looked cautiously over Dagger’s shoulder. “Hey
bro, you didn’t tell me you guys were doing this well. That’s one
hell of a bonus check. Sure there’s no mistake with the zeroes? Too
bad Grace missed this.”

Paul said, “Yes it is. Especially since it’s purely
the fruits of her labor, in both design and compensation
negotiations with General Ross. This is for the rights on three of
her patents, designs for two of which she wrote before she even
joined us. She insisted on sharing it with the whole team.”

“Say Paul, how many employees do you have?” Joe
licked his lips.

“Everyone besides Thorne is a private contractor.
She insisted on being an employee so that her work would belong to
the company. But I think what you’re really asking is how many of
these checks I wrote, and that would be sixteen.”

Joe calculated quickly and let out a whistle. “You
might have said something, Jack.”

Dagger shrugged and laid the check down. “I didn’t
know. I leave the business end to Paul. Grace hinted something
about this once, but she just brushed me off when I tried to find
out more. She doesn’t care about money. That’s why I knew she
didn’t take the ring.”

Paul crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair.
“No, she doesn’t. I think the only reason she let me recruit her is
because she liked Dagger. Ever try negotiating with someone who
doesn’t give a shit about money, Joe?”

“No offense intended, but I’m still not convinced
someone like that even exists. I mean, Jack, if you really believed
she wasn’t into the green, why’d you indenture yourself for life to
buy her that ring?”

“Well, plenty taken, dumbass. Even Mills could have
figured that out. Farley did. She’s mine, goddamnit. I was just
making sure every sonofabitch with half an eye and a dick knew it.”
He glanced at Paul before finding a spot on the wall to stare at.
“Katherine had it right too. I had to show her I was serious, how
fucking much I…I’ve never actually said the words—not when she
could hear…The loan wasn’t shit. I had a pretty decent nest egg.
The only thing I ever spent any real money on was getting the caddy
restored, and that wasn’t even bad.”

“Well, it looks to me like there’s enough here for
that Ferrari you had your eye on.” Joe nudged him.

Dagger just shrugged. “I’d only think of her when I
drove it. About the last night I had with her—how beautiful she
looked, how happy she seemed to be.” He stood up. “I’m just gonna
go home. It’s not like I’m going to get any work done, anyway. You,
uh, want to come with, Joe, or what? I need to stop at the liquor
store on the way.”

“That depends. Is my life still in danger?” Paul
thought he looked like he was only half-kidding.

“Nah, Grace was right. You suck, but you’re still my
brother.”

“I don’t think that’s exactly what she said,” Joe
commented dryly.

“Close enough.” Looking around the room, he said,
“Call me if you hear anything or get any ideas.” Then he shrugged
on his jacket and walked out of the office without looking
back.

Paul saw the check still sitting on the desk where
Dagger had left it. At least he’d taken the ring with him. He
looked at Farley and said, “I don’t know about you, but I’m going
to go pray she comes back, for all of our sakes.”

* * * *

Sitting on the sofa in Dagger’s apartment, many
beers and shots later, Joe asked him, “Is it true what Paul said?
Did you really kill all those people?”

Dagger’s bottle stopped on the way to his mouth.
“Why would Paul tell you about that?”

“He wanted me to understand that Grace isn’t the
only one who’s damaged. I’m sorry, Jack.”

“I’m not. For every man I killed, I saved hundreds,
sometimes thousands.” He took the drink.

“No, I’m sorry for what it did to you.”

Dagger shrugged. “Me, too.” What else could he say?
“So tell me how it went down with Grace. What do you know about her
being damaged? Tell me everything.”

He didn’t feel drunk, but he was feeling a little
sick. He watched his brother hesitate, looking like he was going
back and forth, arguing with himself and looking like he might be
sick, too.

Finally Joe said, “I’ve failed you about as bad as
one brother can fail another. Grace was right, my best sucked. I
have enough regrets when it comes to you. I won’t add to them if I
can help it. The only thing you need to know about my conversation
with her is that she told me she loves you. I believe her now and I
think I even believed her then. I just didn’t want to. Don’t get me
wrong, I agree with her. She did you a favor when she left. Return
that ring and take a trip. The sooner you forget about her, the
better.”

“I’m never going to forget Grace, Joe. She’s part of
me. I’m closer to her than I’ve ever been to anyone, even Paul. At
least she knew I had a brother. And Joe, have you ever really made
love? I never want to fuck again. The idea of even touching another
woman leaves me cold.” Dagger shuddered.

“I’m going to need another beer if you want me to
answer your question.”

Dagger had to think back to what his question had
been. He went and got another couple of beers and handed one to his
brother. “Tell me, Joe, how you fucked it up.”

“You always were the smart one, for all the good it
did you.” He took a long drink out of the bottle. “It’s like this,
Jack. She was so sweet, but she had nothing, came from nothing. I
was dating this hot woman, loaded too, when I met her. Melissa was
just supposed to be a fling, a little something on the side. But I
went crazy over her and got caught. The rich bitch dumped me. I was
pissed, blamed Melissa. I swear, I’ll never forget the way she
looked at me, like I’d ripped her heart out and stomped on it. A
week later, I learned that she’d never even known about the other
woman, that the fuck up was all mine, every which way.”

“How long ago did this happen, Joe?”

“Maybe a month.” He shrugged.

“Does this have anything to do with your visit?”
Dagger looked at his brother.