Finding Bluefield (11 page)

“I never got nauseous,” Carol-Ann said. “It’s because I had girls.”

“You love being pregnant,” Nicky said.

“Holding Paul makes me want to do it again,” Carol-Ann said.

“Are you serious?” Nicky asked.

“Sure.” Carol-Ann finished the dishes and was rinsing out the sink. “One more. I think I could do it one more time. Richard really wants a son. I’m happy with all girls, but I’ll try again if he wants to.”

“I’m going to read in the living room,” Barbara said, putting the last dish away. “Do you want me to take Paul?”

“I’ll keep him a little longer,” Nicky said.

Carol-Ann sat next to Nicky. “Let me hold my nephew.”

“You want coffee?” Nicky said, walking over to the stove. She pulled a cigarette out of the breast pocket of her denim shirt, put it in her mouth, and searched her pockets for matches. Coming up empty, she leaned over and lit the cigarette on the stovetop burner.

“Sure. Let’s drink it outside,” Carol-Ann said. She brought Paul out to Barbara while Nicky poured the coffee.

They stepped out into the night air. Carol-Ann sat on the picnic table by the big oak. Nicky leaned against the tree.

“I remember when Daddy built this table,” Carol-Ann said. “I wanted to invite some friends for a barbecue, but we didn’t have a picnic table so Daddy built this.”

“You whined for a week until Daddy couldn’t take it anymore. Then he built it.”

“I always thought you’d be the one to leave this place and I’d be stuck here my whole life.” Carol-Ann picked her teeth with a blade of grass.

“I’ve never felt stuck here. Never wanted to leave. If I left, I’d just be looking for a place like this.” Nicky moved her back from side to side, letting the bark massage her muscles. The moon, just clearing the top of the barn, was the color of custard.

Carol-Ann crossed the driveway to the old Impala wagon parked in the unmowed grass. She placed her coffee on the roof and her hands on the hood. “Daddy loved this car. First car he bought that wasn’t a pickup. You ever going to sell it?”

“You want it?”

“Are you kidding?” Carol-Ann laughed. “They’d laugh at me if I drove this in my neighborhood.”

Nicky opened the car door, slid into the driver’s seat, turned the ignition, and rolled down her window. She leaned over and pushed the passenger door open.

“You leave the keys in the car?” Carol-Ann asked.

“You’ve gotten too used to L.A.”

“I’m thinking of the kids getting in here. You’re going to have to start thinking that way.”

“Hop in,” Nicky said.

Carol-Ann grabbed her coffee and slid into the passenger seat. Nicky guided the car around the barn and turned onto the dirt road that divided the cornfield. Corn stalks rose high above the car on either side, leaving only sky visible. Noise from the crickets overwhelmed the Impala’s deep rumble. Nicky drove without headlights, letting the full moon light the way. “How come you didn’t tell me you were staying in a hotel?”

“Richard thought of it on the plane. He thought it would be easier for you and it would be more of a vacation for us.”

Nicky downshifted into second where the road narrowed and the car brushed against corn stalks on both sides. Carol-Ann pulled her elbow into the car. Nicky shifted back up to third.

“What is Paul’s last name?”

“He has ours. I mean mine.”

“What about his father’s name?” Carol-Ann said.

“I told you there’s no father.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I’m not claiming immaculate conception. It’s just that he doesn’t know about Paul. So there is no father.” They came out of the cornfields and Nicky brought the car to a stop. She lit a cigarette, got out of the car, climbed onto the hood, and sat on the roof of the car. She could see her house, all lit up. “What a beautiful night.”

“You didn’t tell him?” Carol-Ann opened her door and leaned against it.

“It’s none of his business.”

“Do you think that’s fair?”

“He wasn’t trying to make a baby.” Nicky flicked ashes onto the ground.

“And you?”

“I was trying.”

“How did you meet him?” Carol-Ann said.

“What’s your point here?”

“Did you like him?”

“That’s not why I slept with him,” Nicky said.

“What are you going to tell Paul about his father?”

“I don’t know,” Nicky said.

“You’re going to have to think of something.”

“Paul is six weeks old. Maybe Johnson will get us all blown up before he asks. I don’t know. If I make it to where he asks, and he’s ready to understand, then I’ll tell him.”

“How are you going to explain Barbara?”

“To who?”

“To Paul.”

“Why are you doing this?”

“You have to think about these things,” Carol-Ann said. “They’re going to come up and they’re going to make things tough on Paul. What do you think it’s going to be like for him to grow up like this?”

“Like what?” Nicky said.

“You know.”

“I don’t.”

“By lesbians. You still live in Virginia, not California.”

“This is the happiest time in my life.” Nicky slid off the roof and got back behind the wheel. She turned the ignition. Carol-Ann hurried in and shut her door. “If you’re not happy that I have a baby then you don’t need to be here.” Nicky’s cigarette dangled from her lips and she shifted gears rapidly. “You think Barbara and I didn’t think about any of this? Paul will have to put up with crap. All kids do. Fat, skinny, tall, short, glasses, names, freckles, hair color, anything. Paul’ll get picked on. But not by his family. I want you to be happy for me, but if you can’t then there’s really no point to this visit. I’m not going to apologize for Paul, and I certainly won’t let you hurt him.”

“You’re the one who’s going to hurt him. I’m trying to protect him. And you,” Carol-Ann said. “Have you considered giving Paul up for adoption?”

“Dr. Roberts told me you called him.”

“I just wanted you to know all your options.”

“I wanted to have a kid,” Nicky said. “I was trying to get pregnant. That was my option. It worked out.”

“Richard offered to adopt Paul. He considers Paul family. You could be his aunt and see him whenever you want and, Paul would have a regular family.”

“Shut up,” Nicky said. “Regular?” She laughed.

“Just think about it. The sooner it’s done, the better for Paul and the easier for you.”

Nicky turned the headlights on and pulled the car onto the street. “I’m taking you back to the hotel.”

“Slow down, Nicky. You’re scaring me.”

Nicky pressed down harder on the gas pedal. She wanted Carol-Ann out of her car as fast as she could. “Don’t come over anymore. I don’t want you near Paul.”

“You’re overreacting.” Carol-Ann said. “Richard was just trying to be nice. This way Paul would stay in the family.”

“I heard what Richard said when you told him I was pregnant. I heard him say that I’ve gone too far this time. That I’m crazy and shouldn’t be allowed to raise a baby.”

“That’s not what he meant. He just wants what’s best for you and for Paul.”

“I am what’s best for Paul, and he is what’s best for me.”

*

The next morning, Carol-Ann called early to say that Richard was needed back at work. An emergency at the plant. They were taking the next flight back home to California. “I’ll call you when I get in,” she said.

Nicky sat up in bed. “Do what you have to do to protect your children from me.”

“That’s not fair, little sister. Listen,” Carol-Ann said. “Think about what we talked about last night. The offer stands. Richard is serious about it.”

“I’m sure you both are,” Nicky said. “Have a safe flight.” She hung up the phone and pushed the blanket away from her.

“What was that all about?” Barbara was still in bed.

“Carol-Ann’s going home.”

Barbara leaned over on her elbow. “What happened?”

“We had a fight last night.”

Barbara sat up. “What about?”

“She doesn’t know how to explain us having Paul to her kids.”

“And she didn’t want us to do the explaining? That Claire is a sharp one.”

Nicky laughed. “I offered. It didn’t go over too well.”

*

During Paul’s two-month checkup, Nicky’s pediatrician told her that he had spoken with Carol-Ann. He said he was glad to hear that Nicky was considering letting Carol-Ann adopt Paul and he offered to help in any way he could. He said that Carol-Ann and Richard had already filed custody papers.

“But you already knew all that,” the doctor added. “Paul will have a stable home this way, a normal home, and you’ll still be related to him. A special aunt,” the doctor had said while Nicky redressed Paul. “He’ll be lucky. Think of it this way. He’ll have two mothers instead of one. You and Carol-Ann. That’s a lucky boy. And it will be a lot easier for you to marry.”

Nicky sat still and fought to remain calm. Be a good girl and they’ll let you and Paul leave. Just nod and smile and say thank-you, she kept telling herself. Don’t panic or they’ll declare me unfit and take Paul.

“You’re making the right decision,” the doctor had continued. “I’m glad you realized how hard it would be, especially for the baby. He wouldn’t be accepted by a lot of people around here.”

Barbara was unreachable at the hospital so Nicky drove to Four Corners where she pulled in front of a bay and shut the engine.

“Hey, Nicky,” Andy said, coming out from under the hood of the Impala he was working on.

Nicky lifted Paul out of the car. She walked over to Andy. “Want to hold Paul?”

“Sure.” Andy wiped his hands on his thighs. “He’s huge.” Andy bounced Paul in his arms. “Looks like you. And a lot like your dad. How old is he now?”

“He’ll be two months on the fourth. Independence Day. We’re having a party for him. You have to come.”

“My folks are having everyone over for a barbecue, but I’ll stop by.”

“You ever think of having kids?” Nicky said.

“Can’t do that by myself.”

“Anybody’d jump at the chance to be your wife.”

“So far no one has jumped. Not even a hop.”

Nicky shoved her hands in her pockets. She knew Andy liked her. If she were married, Nicky thought, Paul would be safe. She’d be normal. They’d have a normal family. “You’re not looking in the right places,” she said.

“What places are those?” Andy said.

“Not in those bars you hang out in.”

“Not fair. You used to hang out in those same bars.”

Nicky waved out her match and exhaled. She and Andy had been friends for so long, she felt like his sister. Andy started walking over to the picnic table by the side of the building. Nicky followed. He sat with Paul in his arms.

“Nicky, what’s this about?” Andy asked.

“How come you’re the only one who never asked me about Paul’s father?” Nicky said.

“It’s some guy, right? And either he doesn’t know or you don’t want him to know,” Andy said. “You okay, Nicky?”

“No. No, I am not.” She sat across the table from Andy. “I’m worried about what people will think of Paul.”

“You’re not the only woman in Bluefield to have a kid with no father.”

“Any of them yours?”

“Did something happen with you and Barbara?” Andy asked.

“What about me and Barbara?” Nicky said.

“You know.”

“Know what?”

Andy adjusted Paul’s pacifier. “We’ve known each other for a long time, Nicky, but we don’t talk about these things. I always figured it was understood that you and Barbara were, you know…”

“What?” Nicky said. “Just because two single women chose to share a house people jump to conclusions?”

“It’s me, Nicky. I’m not jumping.”

Nicky squashed her cigarette into the blacktop with her boot and took out another one.

“Isn’t it true?” Andy asked.

“Isn’t what true?”

Andy leaned over and borrowed Nicky’s cigarette to light his. “Come on, Nicky. That you’re a lesbian.”

“Does everyone in this town think I’m a dyke?”

“People talk,” Andy said.

“I’ve got to go,” Nicky said.

*

Nicky pulled up to her house. Mr. Jamison was out in the fields on his tractor. She got back into the Bel Air and drove into the fields to see him. Mr. Jamison waved. He shut the engine and stepped down from the huge tractor.

“Hey, Nicky, what a nice surprise.”

“Hello, Mr. Jamison,” Nicky said, getting out of her car. “How’re things?”

“Been a good year. Didn’t start good, but the weather turned kind to us.” Mr. Jamison stuck his head in the car. “That Paul, Jr.? Let me take a peek at you. He looks a lot like your daddy.”

“He sure does.”