Finding Amy (9 page)

“What is this I hear about you talking about the facts of life to Susie already?”

She nodded in understanding of my visit.  “Suzanne is no longer a baby.  She asked me some questions and I gave her some answers.  It seems that they have been showing some films to the children at school.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about this?  You know I don’t want you filling her head with your odd ideas about sex and life in general and why didn’t I know about these films at school?”

Her voice quivered and she clasped and unclasped her hands several times as she answered. “She asked me, not you, for one thing.  And as for the films, I had to sign a permission slip awhile back.  I didn’t think it was important for you to see it.  I was afraid it might embarrass her.”

“A permission slip?”

“Yes.  They need it before they can show the films or discuss the topic with the children.”

So it was starting.  Damn.  I took a deep breath before speaking.  “Okay.  Let’s get some things straight.  Anything that comes from school, I want to see it.  Understand?”  I knew my voice and stance was frightening her, but I had no choice.  This involved my daughter’s future happiness.

Amy nodded.

“Also, I don’t want you to mention sex to her in any way.  I will talk to her and answer any questions she has.  Do I make myself clear?”  I leaned slightly toward her with these last words.

She leaned back from me and nodded again before saying, “Yes.  You are quite clear.”  Her eyes darted to the door.  It brought memories of the night I savaged her and with it came the shame I carried with me each and every day.  She made her way across the room and clutched the doorknob.  Her voice was a whisper.  “I understand, Dan.  Now, please leave.”  She opened the door.  “I believe this is your night out for your own sex education, isn’t it?”

Her remark surprised me.  It was not like her.  “Amy?”  Could it be jealousy?  Was she capable of it?  Did she care?  There was concern in my voice.

She responded with a wave of her hand telling me to go.  I left her room wondering.  I turned and was about to knock again when Susie opened her bedroom door and bounded out into the hall.

Mrs. Watkins stood in the doorjamb.

“Hello there, little pardner.  My, my, don’t we look pretty tonight?”

“Daddy, you say that every night.”  Her bright eyes glistened.

“Then it must be true.”

She laughed.  “Will you come tuck me in after I kiss mother goodnight?”

“Sure, I’ll wait right here.  Take your time.”

While I waited, I filled Mrs. Watkins in my conversation with Amy.  I thanked her for the warning and asked her to continue her vigilance.

“She’s a darling, that’s for sure, Dan.  We’ll watch her.  She’s going to be fine.”  She smiled as she started down the stairs to her own quarters.  “Tell Susie, I’ll see her in the morning.”

Amy’s door opened.  “I love you mother.  Get a good night’s sleep.”  Susie’s demeanor was a lot less lively than before entered her mother’s room, but she brightened up when she saw me at her door.

Within minutes, I was sitting on the edge of her bed, having tucked the blankets under her chin and kissed her forehead.  “Susie, I need to ride fences next Saturday.”  It was a job that required riding the perimeter of our property looking for breaches in our fencing.  My Dad, brothers and I took turns.  Actually, we looked forward to the ride and the solitude of the open spaces.  “Will you go with me for the day?”

Her eyes widened.  “Can I?”

“I’d like it if you did.”

“Like a real cowgirl job?”

“Yep, a real cowgirl job.  Can I count on you?”

She threw her arms around my neck and screamed, “Yes, yes, yes!”

After retucking her in, I went to my room I a very happy father.  My daughter’s love warmed my heart and soul.  I didn’t need a trip to Houston that night.

*****

We left as dawn was breaking on the following Saturday; way before anyone else in the house had stirred.  We rode and chatted all morning while identifying or fixing potential breaks in the fencing.  Around noon we found a big shade tree along the river and sat down to eat our pack lunch.  She was a chatterbox and kept the conversation lively.  The topics were her studies, her teachers, her clothes and homework.  I let her ramble on as I tried to think of a way to casually broach the subject of sex so as not to embarrass her.  Finally, she got around to talking about boys.

“Hey?  What’s this?  You have boyfriends?”  I acted shocked.

She laughed.  “Oh, Daddy.  Not really.  Boys my age are kind of mean.”

“Mean?  Tell me who.  I’ll take care of anyone who is mean to my baby.”

“Daddy, I’m not a baby.”  She protested.  “They aren’t all mean.  Jeff Spencer is nice.  He’s kind of cute and hardly ever pulls my hair.”

“Cute, huh.  Cuter than your old Dad?”  I teased.

Her little eyes widened.  “Oh no, Daddy.  You’re still my cutest and favorite boyfriend and you always will be.”

I smiled.  “Susie, baby, I kind of wish that were true.  But the truth is, that in just a few years you’ll be growing up and leaving your old Dad behind for some young man.  He’ll far outshine anyone in your eyes and honey, that’s the way it should be.”  Her eyes were wide with interest as I continued, “I want you to grow up healthy and happy, accomplish all your goals and someday get married and raise a whole passel of grandkids for me to love and spoil rotten in my old age.”

She giggled.  “You’ll never be that old.  Besides, no boy will ever outshine you in my eyes.  You’re the best!”

The admiration in her eyes was a tonic for my concerns about how she would be able to handle the wild, crazy emotional ride of puberty. “Thank you, baby.”  I winked at her.  “But, eventually a young man will come along and sweep you off your feet. Perhaps it’ll even be Jeff Spencer.  At any rate, honey, what I’m trying to say is that I’ll always be here to listen to your questions and to advise in any way.  You know that don’t you?”  She nodded and I went on.  “Don’t ever be too embarrassed to talk to me about anything.  Remember, I’m your Dad and I want you to be happy.  Nothing you could ever say or do would embarrass me.  Do you understand, honey?”

She nodded.  “I’m never embarrassed about anything with you.  I trust you more than anyone in the whole world.”  Her little face was such a perfect image of her mother that it caught me off guard for a brief moment.

“Good, I’m glad to hear it.  I’m counting on you to remember to keep me informed on the happenings in your life and keep me a part of everything.  That way when you’re all grown up and go off to school or get married, I’ll still feel included in your life.  We’ll still be buddies.”

She smiled, jumped up, threw her arms around me in a bear hug and gave me a big kiss.  “It’s a deal, Daddy!”

When we returned to the house that evening, I told Mrs. Watkins about our conversation and she seemed pleased.  I told her I would wait now and let Susie come to me when she was ready.  But I cautioned her to keep a close eye and ear on Amy and her mother’s conversations with Susie. 

Things were under control again allowing me to relax and enjoy my daughter and my life in general.

*****

The next five years flew by so fast that I scarcely remember them.  Amy’s father had died and now her mother spent more time than ever at our house.  I thought about baring her, but I felt she couldn’t do anymore harm than she already had so I let things ride.  I was wrong. Again.

The next round of trouble began one evening right after Susie’s fifteenth birthday.  I arrived home to hear loud voices coming from the house.  At the front door, I could hear Susie yelling.

“You’re wrong.  Jeff’s not like that.  He isn’t.  I know he isn’t!”   Her sobs tore at my heart as she ran up the stairs to her room.

I walked into the parlor to find Amy and her mother.  “What the hell is going on?”  I demanded.

My mother-in-law met me eye to eye.  “Suzanne accepted a ring from Jeff Spencer and Amy and I were telling her what a boy expected in return for such a ring.”

“Oh my God!”  I roared.  I clenched my fist to keep from hitting her.  I left her no doubt about how angry I was as I bellowed an order.  “You be gone when I come back downstairs.”  I wheeled around, bounded out of the room and up the stairs to my daughter’s room.

I rapped once on the door and turned the knob to open it.  It was locked.  I called to her.  “Susie, open up.  It’s Daddy.”  The door flew open and she threw herself into my arms.

She was sobbing and I couldn't make out what she was saying.

I held her close and let her cry herself out.   When she had calmed somewhat, I spoke to her softly.  “Okay angel, tell me what happened.”

She walked to her dresser and grabbed a tissue.  After wiping her eyes and blowing her nose, she began.  “I came home this afternoon with what I thought was great news.  Jeff asked me to wear his senior ring and that means I’m his only girl.”  She tried for a smile.  “Oh, Daddy, it meant so much to me.  I wanted you and Mom to share my excitement.”

I nodded and held out my hand to her.  She took it and I walked her to the window where we sat on a window bench.   The spring breeze fluttering through her pastel curtains brought no relief to my heated rage, but I managed to urge her on.  “Go on, honey.”

“After I told them, grandmother looked at mom and said, ‘I told you to tell the child the truth about what really goes on between men and women regardless of what Dan says.  But no, you let him have his way and now it has come to this.  The poor child will be hurt like he hurt you.’  Daddy?”  She paused and looked up at me.

“Susie, tell me everything that was said.  Then I’ll answer your questions.  Okay?”  She could see that I was biting my lip.

She nodded.  “I asked mother what she meant and she said that you had warned her to keep me in the dark about what happens between men and women so she hadn’t dared to talk to me about it.”

“Oh, Christ.”  I moaned.  I still held her hand.  “Tell me what happened next, baby.”

“I asked what she meant, but grandmother broke in to say that once a boy gives you a ring he feels he should get something in return and it really isn’t very nice what they expect.  She said it was ugly and nasty.  She said Jeff will now want me to touch him and he’ll want to touch me in very private places.”  Her eyes welled up in tears as she continued.  “And, because I took his ring he now has a to right to do this.”  She looked up at me in disbelief.  “Daddy, I just can’t believe that Jeff is going to do the awful things they said.  They showed us some films about sex in school, but they said it was normal and at the right time it was a beautiful thing between two people.”  She paused and raised her eyebrows in question as she continued, “But now grandmother and mother are saying the school films lied and that I will see a new and disgusting Jeff.  Will I, Daddy?  Will I?  Are men really nasty and mean?”  She looked desperate and unsure.  “You must tell me the truth.  Please Daddy, the truth.”

I was so sick inside that I wasn’t sure if I manage to talk.  Everything she’d said made me more and more furious, but that last statement about being sure to tell her the truth had cut deep into my heart.  Susie had never doubted my word on anything.  Now, they had planted seeds of doubt in her mind about me.  I knew, at that moment, what it was like to really want to kill someone. I looked down at the beautiful face pleading with me to be truthful.  It could have been Amy’s face. The eyes, the hair, the chin were so like her mother.  Please God, don’t let my daughter be plagued with the same devils that torment her mother.  Help me to say the right things to calm and reassure her.

I squeezed her hands.  “First of all honey, Jeff would never bring you any harm physically or mentally.  He’s a nice young man.  It’s not his style.  But, he also knows he would have to deal with me if he did.”  Her eyes bore into mine, hanging on my every word.  I knew she wanted to believe me.  I continued, “Susie, I need to tell you some things that I had hoped we would never have to discuss.”  I held her chin and looked into her eyes.  “Please listen closely and try to understand and bear with me.  Okay?”

She nodded, but said nothing.

“Your mom and grandmother have some serious problems regarding sex.  Your grandmother had them first and then indoctrinated your mother with them.  Before you were born, your mother and I had some problems.  She had her fears and I was immature.  I didn’t know how to deal with her.  I did something the validated everything her mother told her about men and how they dealt with sex.  I accept my responsibility for that and have felt bad about it for years.”  The fear in her eyes was tearing my heart in two.  “But, what happened between us was not normal.  Most couples are like what they told you about in school.  Look at the love between Grandpa and Grandma Lawrence or your uncles and aunts.  Surely you feel the love they have for each other.  That’s what’s normal, honey.”  I had her full attention.  Did I still have her trust?  “I’m going to make an appointment for you to see Dr. Andrews and let him help us with this.  He treated your mother years ago, before you were born and he understands her problems.  Will that be okay with you?”

She nodded tentatively with an air of confusion and sadness.  I put my arm around her shoulder.  She willingly came into my embrace and snuggled against me.  I talked softly into her hair.