Find Me (11 page)

“
The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.
”

-
Ernest Hemingway

Layla

The silence
, already uncomfortable, makes it even more awkward when my father enters the room. He doesn’t move toward me or Natalie to greet us. No hug, no handshake, not even a hello.

He hangs his head
, in what I know to be shame. Complete and utter shame with himself and his actions and what the consequences were. Either Natalie doesn’t sense the tension in the air or she chooses to ignore it. As soon as my father seats himself in the chair feet away from us, she pipes up.

“Hey Pops, Layla and I happened to be
in town and instead of calling, we thought it would be so much better to come over and tell you in person,” She lets them take in her words before continuing on. “I had a baby, a girl. Her name is Temperance. She’s the most beautiful little thing you’ve ever seen. Isn’t she Lals?” She looks to me for encouragement, because my parents have yet to say anything.

“She is
. She looks just like Natalie. She’s so peaceful and happy too.” I add in.

Natalie picks right back up, “Also, I’m getting married, in three weeks. I wanted you guys to be there, and I don’t know
, maybe you would do me the honor of giving me away, Pops?”

For what feels like minutes, there’s no reply on my parents end. My mother’s face is frozen in shock and my father has yet to even glance in our direction. Until he starts crying, softly and quietly at first.

He lifts his head and looks straight into Natalie’s eyes, crying his eyes out. Even when I learned of the truth, my father never once cried about it. He’s never had one tear in his eye in front of me.

Natalie gasps
. She doesn’t know what to say. Wondering whether it’s because she asked him to give her away or because he’s disappointed in her. I know all too well how her mind works. I can’t let her go on thinking that it’s something that she’s done.

“Natalie, it’s not you.”

She looks at me in question. I’m at a loss for words. Do I confess for my dad? Or is he going to?

I look to my mother
, who’s still standing in horror. She too realizes this is the moment. The moment she’s been dreading for years. I look to my dad, who still has tears running down his face and he speaks.

“Natalie, I would love the honor of giving you away. God knows I would. But I cannot accept
, until you know the truth.”

“What are you talking about?” Natalie asks, clueless to what she’s about to hear. I grab her hand and give it a squeeze.

“The truth about the accident.” My father tells her.

“But I already know the truth
. We don’t have to rehash this again.”

“Nat, you don’t know the truth. Please just listen to what he has to say and then we can leave, just listen.” I plead, but also reveal that I know.

“Oh, Okay,” She says, unsure.

My father begins his tale
. The truth, not the one that he and my mother concocted.

“I know what I told you, what my wife told you. We only told you those things
, because we wanted to protect you. We didn’t want to break your heart more than it already was. When I heard that you overdosed, I thought that was why. That Layla had told you the truth. Only after I found out that wasn’t what it was at all, I realized how cruel I have been. That you deserved to know the truth and even if you hated me for the rest of my life, I would be able to bare it, knowing that you finally knew. I can’t live like this anymore, you not knowing.”

“What in the hell is going on?” Natalie asks
, glaring at me.

My dad continues on, “I loved your mother years before she loved me
. We knew it was wrong and that it shouldn’t have been happening. But we did it anyway and we fell in love. We had an affair. I was going to leave my wife, Layla’s mother, for your mother. But she was in love with your father, as well as with me. I begged her, but she wouldn’t budge. It went on for a while, years.”

“What? My…my mother and you were in love?” She asks in shock.

“Yes, we were like lovesick teenagers. Foolish really. Your father had no clue, unlike my wife, until that night. The night of the accident, the truth came out. Even though she never planned on leaving your dad, it didn’t matter to him. He was furious and I was intoxicated. We were arguing back and forth, all of us. You’re dad punched me in the side of the face and I lost control of the wheel. If I could take it back, I would. I would trade my life for theirs. I swear it, Natalie.” My father says on a loud sob.

Natalie sits in shock for a few moments, not saying a word. Most likely replaying in her head what my father had just revealed, when she looks to me
, letting go of my hand.

“You knew?” She asks.

“Yes, I knew.”

“You’ve known the entire time?” She accuses, tears falling down her face.

“Not the entire time, but long enough.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? We’ve lived together, not one day apart
, since that day and you’ve never once mentioned a word. Why? Why didn’t you just tell me? Instead, here, now, like this.” She yells, sobbing now.

And I
can’t blame her. I should have told her sooner, years ago. I shouldn’t have had to bring her here to know the truth. It should have come from me. It would have been easier on her, if it had been me telling her.

I shake my head
. I have no excuses and nothing I say will make up for any of it. I try holding my tears at bay. I don’t deserve to be upset over the mess that I’ve created.

Natalie jumps up, “I- uh I have to leave now. We have a plane to catch back home
. I’ll give you guys a call okay?” She says, swiping tears away from her eyes.

She refuses to hug my parents, rightfully so, or to even meet my eyes, again rightfully so. She stands up quickly and leaves
. I chase her out of the house silently. It’s not until we are thirty five thousand feet in the air that she speaks to me.

“I just can’t wrap my mind around it
, Layla. The entire situation. You had to of known what I was going into when we arrived. No wonder you didn’t want me inviting them. You didn’t want me to know, did you?” I start to respond, but she cuts me off. “No, I don’t need you to confirm it. Your actions answer for themself. I just don’t know why you never told me. And you chose today for me to find out. I need time to think, Lals. When we land, I’m going to have another car there to take you home. I’ll call you when I’m ready.”

She gets up from her seat and moves to the opposite end of the plane
, with tears in her eyes.

“There are four questions of value in life: What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for? And what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love.”

- Johnny Depp

Liam

The same time that dinner is finished and Ryan and I are dishing plates out
, Natalie walks in the door. Alone. Her face says it all. Her mascara is running and her eyes are red and swollen. I can’t help but wonder where Layla is.

What happened?

Ryan wraps his arm around her, consoling her while Gage, Zepp, Jason and I try to look the other way. Acting as if we aren’t seeing her breakdown in tears before us. Not long after Natalie leaves the room, Ryan informs us that he’s going to eat upstairs with Natalie and Temperance. Something big must have gone down for Natalie to return without Layla and tears in her eyes.

“I’m going to head home
. Traffic will be a bitch later, if I don’t leave now.” I say to the guys, explaining my quick departure.’

I hop in my car and hope that I end
up missing rush hour. If Natalie looks this bad, then I can only imagine how Layla looks.

An hour later
, I enter our apartment and it looks the same as it did when I left last night. All of the lights are off and it’s silent. I end up at Layla’s door knocking softly.

“Layla...I know
you’re in there. Just open up.”

I almost missed the quiet muffled crying, almost. I don’t wait for a reply and open the door. She’s curled up into herself in the fetal position, her body shaking on quiet sobs. I can’t help but to feel that it should be me consoling her.

“What happened?”

She sits up rapidly. “All right, you want to know what happened. How about I let all of my secrets out
. You’ll find out soon anyway. The crash that caused the losses of Natalie’s parents, well, my dad was the only one intoxicated. He didn’t have to drive. He was mad at Nat’s mother, because she wouldn’t leave her husband, Natalie’s father. He loved her. They were having an affair and I’ve known for a long time what really happened. I’ve known that Natalie didn’t. I’ve lied to her for years, and today she found out. Okay? You can go now.” She turns away from me.

“Layla, I’m not going anywhere
. Also, you’re her best friend. I’m sure it wasn’t your intention to lie to her. Just tell me what happened.” I say, sitting on the bed, patting the side next to me, indicating that I want her to join me.

“In short, we went to my parents’ house to invite them to the wedding. I knew that my dad was going to tell her
. I wanted him to. I’ve been exhausted carrying the secret around with me and guilty. Needless to say, now she knows and she doesn’t want to speak to me. And you’re right, no it wasn’t intentional. When I first found out, I was going to tell her, I really was. But she wasn’t ready to know, it would have killed her. Last summer I was going to tell her, after she overdosed. I knew that she had a right to know, but she wasn’t emotionally stable enough. Now she is. I probably could have fought her about going there today, but it was time. I knew she would be upset with me. I just didn’t think it would hurt so much,” Layla says on a sob.

I’m speechless. I understand where each of them are coming from
. I can imagine what they are both feeling. Lies woven in many threads have to unravel sometime. It’s usually better for every party if they come apart sooner. That would hurt less. Instead, this lie was hidden for years, due to Natalie being unstable with her emotions. If she was my best friend-if it were Ryan-I would have done the same thing.

Fuck
, I have done the same thing, with Natalie’s overdose, her pregnancy. With my feelings. I did it all to protect him and her. And if asked if I would ever do it again, I would without a second of hesitation.

It’s
what you do, what’s in you. For your family, your friends that might as well be family, you protect them at any cost, even if the price is yourself. Even if it costs you that relationship.

I do the only thing that I know how to do and that is comfort. We’re sitting side by side
, so I pull her side into mine and wrap my arm around her back. I slowly start grazing my hand over her shoulder. Rubbing small circles around her shoulder, just to let her know I’m here.

She curls further into me, snuggling her face into my chest. It’s like this
, that we half sit half lay on the bed for a while, well into the night without speaking. When I believe she’s asleep, I start to shift my body out from under her, when she lifts her head up. She first looks to me, in my eyes. Then down to my lips, and its then that I realize where she’s going with this.

“I can’t comfort you like that
, Layla. It wouldn’t be right.”

The rejected look that appears on her face pains me
. I notice it before she layers on the façade of not caring. She thinks I didn’t see how much my refusing to comfort her that way affects her emotionally. She cares, and not just as a one night stand, or a weekly fuck buddy. But she really, actually cares.

“
As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult, but in fighting the difficulties the inmost strength of the heart is developed.
”

-
Vincent Van Gogh

Layla

Liam’s rejection hits me like a full force smack in the face. Like someone
dumped a bucket of ice cold water over my spine, it’s reality. He told me the night before, at Ryan and Nat’s, that it wasn’t like that.

It was one night of fun
. Like I had expected and even though I set myself up to not expect anything from him.-for it to be more-somehow subconsciously, I did and knowing that there won’t be more, hurts.

I decide that I am exhausted
from dealing with pain. I deserve the wrath of Nat. I have no one to blame but myself. Liam though, I have no words. I shouldn’t be hurting this much because of no meaning sex. Maybe what I need is to meet someone new. Even if it doesn’t work out and lasts a week.

It could be someone to get my mind off what isn’t going to ever happen with Liam. Liam, who has long since gone to bed. Not wanting to wake him, I turn on the radio to a low volume.
Needing music to help me fall asleep after a day like today. Music to clear the thoughts out of my head.

The first song that pops on is
Stay With Me
, by
Sam Smith
. Definitely a song that isn’t for right now. Oh, it’s beautiful in its own right and the man has a voice of an Angel. But the song is about a one night stand, and even knowing that they will never love one another, he still wants her to stay.

I briskly change the station, to an even better one. It feels like someone is playing a cruel joke on me.
Fix You
by
Coldplay
pours out of the speakers. I finally decide to just hook my cellphone up to my docking station and choose my own song. One that won’t cause the feelings I am already dealing with, to pressurize on my chest even more.

I fell asleep sometime late last night
, after hitting repeat on my playlist. Liam left sometime this morning to do God knows what. I didn’t wake up until around noon. By then it was already lunch time, so I fixed myself something quick to eat and sat on the couch.

The couch is where I have been all day. I foolishly thought I could watch an episode of my absolute favorite show
. Just one, maybe two at the most. It helped in distracting me from noticing that my phone had yet to ring. Not even a text from Natalie.

Well
, here I am well into the evening and have watched the entire first season of
True Blood
, again. Damn that
Alexander Skarsgard
, he’s just as bad as
Johnny Depp
. Too bad I couldn’t remain lost for the rest of the night. Then it wouldn’t be nearly as bad knowing that Natalie isn’t ready to talk yet.

I still have another day off before I have to go back to the grind of work, even though Liam doesn’t want me working there. I’ll compromise with him, and stay only until I find another job. Then I’ll rat on Carl’s ass to his father
, who owns the establishment, about how harassing his son is.

Liam still hasn’t made it home yet
. Not that I really care anyway. I decide to start cooking dinner. Maybe he’ll be home by the time it’s done. After eating everything on my own plate, Liam’s still not home, nor have any other the other guys stopped by. So, I decide to go out myself.

It’s not like Liam has to answer to me
. I’m nothing to him. Something that I have to keep reminding myself of hourly. Every time I begin to think of where he might be or what he might be doing.

I throw his plate in the microwave to stay warm and head to my room to sexify myself. How did I
turn from such a self-confident young woman, to an insecure one waiting around on a man?

I pick out my clothes for the night first
. Heading straight to my closet, I grab my favorite dress to wear out clubbing. It’s a light pastel blue silk. The halter that holds the dress up is affixed with white crystals and leads to a deep plunging neckline. The dress hangs off of my body, flowing freely.

It’s my favorite
, because it doesn’t require a bra and its material of silk rubs against my body like a second skin when I’m on the dance floor.

After laying the dress down on my bed
, I pick a pair of white ballet flats. A night out in heels isn’t as comfortable as my sturdy flats. I take a somewhat long shower, shaving all the intimate areas and plucking the less intimate ones. After I dry off, I apply my makeup. I always choose to go the natural route.

Less is always more.
I never use a primer or foundation, opting for a light coat of black eyeliner and a few coats of my favorite mascara. With the swipe of a clear gloss, my look is finished.

I blow dry my hair to prevent dampening my dress. When
it’s dry, I spread some shine gloss through my hair, evenly, then pin my hair back. I grab a pair of white G-string panties and pull them on, then step into my dress.

I slip my shoes on
, then search for a small clutch to hold my cash, cellphone, and identification. Not that I will really need that for where I’m going tonight. When my clutch is packed, I take one last look in the mirror and head out. Unexpectedly, I meet Liam at the door as I’m leaving.

“Hey,” He says.

“Hey yourself,” I say blankly.

“You, uh...you look very nice. Where you headed?”

“Thanks. I’m just headed out. Have a nice night.” I say, while walking around him to leave.

Wait,” He grabs my elbow.

I stop, looking into his eyes. “What?”

“You aren’t going to Carls’ Pub are you?”

“I am,” I reply flatly.

He’s not my father and I sure as hell don’t need anyone telling me what to do
, least of all him. The one who doesn’t want to have a claim on me, but runs hot one second and cold the next.

“Jesus
, Layla. What is wrong with you? You shouldn’t be stepping foot in that place, not to work or to go out.”

“Listen, you’re not my father and it’s likely that even my father wouldn’t give a shit. I’ve decided that I will quit, but not until I have another job already lined up. You can’t ask me for more than that. Also, the reason I chose to go to that
bar is because even with Carl working there, I know that it’s probably the safest place I can go for a night out, alone.” I argue back.

“Fine. You better start your job search early
. If you haven’t quit by the time of the wedding, I refuse to allow you to go back there. It doesn’t mean I’m comfortable with you going there, though. Do you have your phone on you at least?”

I open my clutch
, showing him proof that I indeed do have my phone with me, if I were to need any help at all.

“Good. Call me
and I’ll come pick you up when you’re done. That way at least I know you’ve made it home safe and sound.” Liam says, while gripping the back of his neck.

I bite on my lip nervously, “Um... that’s okay
, but thanks. I don’t think I will end up needing a ride.”

He has to know that I’m not some fawning over him groupie, worshipping the very ground that he walks on. I’m not a wait around forever person
. I deserve to be the first choice and not settling to wait on someone to realize we could have something good. Something great.