Fima (7 page)

Fima had a sudden urge to lie, to say no, though actually he was dying of hunger. But he chose to restrain himself.

Ted, in the rocking chair, swathed himself in silence and tobacco smoke. Despite himself, Fima enjoyed the smell of the fine pipe tobacco. And he noticed that Ted was observing him calmly, with a faintly anthropological curiosity. He looked as though he would not raise an eyebrow if his guest suddenly burst out singing. Or crying. Instead of doing either, Fima remarked:

"So Yael's out and so is Dimi. I forgot to bring some chocolate for him."

"Right," said Ted, stifling a yawn. And he exhaled another cloud of pleasant blue smoke.

Fima fixed his eyes on the pile of computerized plans, flicked through them as though they were his own, and made a special point of comparing pages six and nine, as though he had just made the decision to qualify, instantly, as an aeronautical engineer himself.

"And what are you concocting for us here? A spacecraft that fires rubber bullets? Or a flying gravel gun?"

"It's a paper we're writing for a British journal. Something quite experimental, actually: jet-propelled vehicles. As you probably know, Yael and I have been working on that for quite a few years now. You've asked me several times to explain it to you, but after a couple of minutes you always beg me to stop. I'm committed to finishing this paper by the weekend. There's a deadline. Can't you teach me the Hebrew for 'committed' and 'deadline,' by the way? You must know, being a poet. Don't you?"

Fima, straining his brain, almost managed to remember the Hebrew equivalents of the two English words Ted had used. They seemed to be sniggering at him from the threshold of his memory, slipping between his fingers like playful kittens just when he had almost caught them. Then he remembered, and opened his mouth to reply, but they escaped from under his tongue and vanished again into the darkness. Embarrassed, he said:

"Can I do anything to help?"

"Thanks, Fima," Ted replied. "I don't think there's any need. But surely you'd be more comfortable waiting in the living room til) they get back? You can watch the news."

"Let me have Dimi's Lego," said Fima. "I'll make him David's Tower. Or Rachel's Tomb. Or whatever. I won't disturb you while you do your work."

"No problem," said Ted.

"What do you mean, no problem! I came here to see you!"

"So, talk," said Ted. "Has anything happened?"

"It's like this," Fima began, without the faintest idea how he was going to continue. To his astonishment he heard himself saying: "You know that the situation in the Territories is intolerable."

"That's the way it looks," Ted said calmly, and at that moment Fima had a devastatingly vivid and precise mental image of this colorless bushy-eyebrowed jackass stroking Yael's naked body with his heavy hands, crouching on top of her, rubbing his penis between her small, firm breasts with a laborious, unvarying rhythm, like someone sawing a plank. Until Yael's eyes filled with tears and suddenly Fima's did too, and he hastily buried his nose in a grubby handkerchief, which, as he extracted it from his pocket, dislodged yet another note, a twenty-shekel one this time, presumably either the change from the restaurant near Zion Square or a previous offering from his father.

Ted picked up the note and handed it to Fima. Then he tamped down his pipe and relit it, spreading a fine screen that Fima wanted to hate but found himself enjoying.

"So," said Ted, "you were talking about the situation in the Territories. It sure is complicated."

"What the hell do you mean, the situation in the Territories," Fima exploded. "That's just another brand of self-delusion. I wasn't talking about the situation in the Territories; I was talking about the situation right here in Israel. Inside the Green Line. Inside Israeli society. The Territories are nothing but the dark side of ourselves. What happens there every day is just a concretization of the process of degeneration we have been undergoing since the Six Days' War. If not before. If not from the beginning. Yes, every morning we read our papers, ail day long we listen to the news, every evening we watch
What's New
, we sigh, we tell each other it simply can't go on, we sign petitions now and then, but in fact we do nothing. Zero. Zilch."

"Right," said Ted, and after consideration, after tamping and re-lighting again, slowly and intently, he added mildly: "Yael does voluntary work twice a week at the Council for the Advancement of Tolerance. But they say there's going to be a split in the Council." And he added, uncertain of the meaning of the Hebrew word, "What do you mean by 'petition'?"

"Petition?" Fima replied. "A scrap of paper. Masturbation." He was so enraged that he thumped the keyboard of the word processor accidentally with his fist.

"Hey, watch out," Ted said. "If you break my computer, that won't help the Arabs."

"Who the hell's talking about helping the Arabs?" Fima erupted in an injured roar. "I'm talking about helping ourselves.... It's just them, the nuts, the right, who say we're helping the Arabs!"

"I don't get it," said Ted, scratching his tousled hair in a kind of overacted portrayal of someone who is slow on the uptake. "Do you mean that we're not trying to improve the Arabs' living conditions?"

So Fima started from square one, suppressing his anger with difficulty. He explained in simple Hebrew his view of the tactical and psychological factors that made the moderate left appear to the masses to be identifying itself with the enemy. He fumed at himself again for using that wretched expression "the masses." In the course of his lecture he noticed that Ted was stealing sideways glances at the diagrams scattered on the rug, while his hairy finger kept tamping down the tobacco in his pipe. His wedding ring glinted on his finger.

Fima strove in vain to dispel the mental picture of that same finger prodding with the selfsame motion at Yael's labia. He instantly fell prey to a suspicion that he was being lied to and deceived, that Yael was hiding from him in the bedroom, weeping silently, with shaking shoulders, stifling her tears in the pillow, as she sometimes wept in the middle of sex and as Dimi sometimes wept soundlessly when he became aware of injustice perpetrated against him or against one of his parents or Fima.

"In any civilized country," Fima continued, unconsciously borrowing Dr. Wahrhaftig's pet phrase, "there would be a campaign of civil disobedience by now. A common front of workers and students would have forced the government to end the horror at once."

"Let me get you another brandy, Fima. It'll calm you down."

Fima feverishly downed the brandy in one gulp, tipping his head back the way Russians drink vodka in the movies. He could see a detailed image of this log with steel-wool eyebrows bringing Yael a glass of orange juice in bed on Saturday morning, and of her, drowsily, luxuriantly, with her eyes still half-closed, reaching out and stroking the opening of his pajamas, which were doubtless made of real silk. The image aroused in Fima not jealousy or rage or fury but, to his astonishment, profound pity for this diligent, upright man, who made one think of a beast of burden, working day and night at his computer, searching for a way to perfect the jet propulsion of vehicles, and with barely a single friend in the whole of Jerusalem.

"The saddest thing," Fima said, "is the way the left is paralyzed."

Ted said: "True. You're quite right. It was much the same with us at the time of Vietnam.
Coffee?
"

Fima followed him to the kitchen and continued heatedly:

"The comparison with Vietnam, that's our biggest mistake, Teddy. This is not Vietnam and we're not the flower people. The second mistake is to expect the Americans to do the job for us and get us out of the Territories. What do they care if we're going to the devil?"

"True," said Ted, in the tone he used for praising Dimi for getting his sums right. "Too right. Nobody docs anybody else any favors. Everyone looks after himself. And they don't always even have enough sense for that." He put the kettle on and started emptying the dishwasher.

Fima excitedly pushed Ted out of the way and started to help him unbidden, as though bent on proving him wrong. He pulled a large handful of knives, forks, and spoons out of the dishwasher and ran around the kitchen with them, flinging doors open, pulling out drawers, looking for somewhere to unload his booty, and not interrupting for a moment his lecture on the difference between Vietnam and Gaza and between the Nixon syndrome and the Shamir syndrome. A few stray items of cutlery slipped through his fingers and lay scattered on the kitchen floor. Ted bent down to pick them up, and expressed his unfamiliarity with the Hebrew word for "syndrome": was it a newly invented word?

"Syndrome: like the Vietnam syndrome that you went through in the States."

"Didn't you say a moment ago that the comparison with Vietnam was a mistake?"

"Yes. No. In a certain sense yes. That is, perhaps we need to distinguish between a syndrome and a symptom."

"Here," said Ted, "just put them here in the middle drawer."

But Fima had already abandoned the struggle, and left his bundle of cutlery on top of the microwave. Pulling his handkerchief out of his pocket, he wiped his nose again and then absent-mindedly set about wiping the kitchen table too, while Ted was still sorting plates according to type and size and putting each pile away in its proper place in the cupboard over the sink.

"Fima, why don't you give that to the newspapers. You should publish it so that more people can read it. Your language is so rich. And it'll do your soul good too: anyone can sec you're suffering. You take politics so personally. You take the situation too much to heart. Yael will be back with Dimi in another three-quarters of an hour. Now I've got to do some work. How do you say 'deadline' in Hebrew again? Maybe the best thing would be if you took your coffee with you into the living room and I'll put the TV on for you; you can still catch about half the news. Okay?"

Fima immediately assented: he had never intended to intrude for the whole evening. But instead of picking up his coffee and heading for the living room, he forgot the mug on the drainboard in the kitchen and insisted on pursuing Ted all the way down the hallway until Ted excused himself and locked himself in the bathroom. Fima concluded his sentence through the locked door:

"It's all right for you people; you've got U.S. passports, you can always get out of here by jet propulsion. But what'll happen to the rest of us? Okay, I'll go and watch the news. I won't pester you anymore. The only trouble is, I have no idea how to switch your television on."

Instead of going to the living room, he turned in to the boy's bedroom. Instantly he was overcome by great tiredness. Unable to find the light switch, he lay down in the dark on the little bed surrounded by shadows of robots and airplanes and time machines, while overhead a gigantic phosphorescent spaceship hovered, suspended from the ceiling by an invisible thread, its nose pointing straight at him, revolving slowly, menacingly at the slightest draft like an accusing finger. Until Fima closed his eyes and said to himself suddenly:

"What's the point of all this talking? The die is cast, and what is done cannot be undone."

Then sleep overtook him. Just as he was dropping off, he was vaguely aware of Ted covering him with a soft woollen blanket. Indistinctly he mumbled:

"The truth, Teddy? Just between the two of us? The Arabs have evidently realized that they can't throw us in the sea. The sad thing is, it's hard for Jews to live without someone wanting to throw them in the sea."

Ted whispered:

"No. The situation really isn't looking too good." And he went out.

Fima curled up inside the blanket. He meant to ask to be waked up the moment Yael got home. He was so tired that what came out was:

"Don't wake Yael."

He slept for about twenty minutes, and when the phone rang in the next room, he reached out and knocked over one of Dimi's Lego towers. He tried to fold the blanket, but gave up because he was in a hurry to find Ted. He still had to explain what it was that had brought him here this evening. Instead of going to the study, he strayed into the bedroom, which was lit by a warm red night-light. He saw that the wide bed was ready for the night: two identical pillows, two dark-blue blankets encased in silky sheets, two bedside tables, each with an open book lying face down on it, and he buried his face and his whole head in Yael's nightdress. At once he pulled himself together and rushed out to look for his coat. He searched every room in the flat with a sleepwalker's thoroughness, but he found neither Ted nor his coat, even though he doggedly checked every lighted place. Finally he sank down onto a stool in the kitchen and looked around for the knives that he hadn't been able to find a place for earlier.

Ted Tobias emerged from the darkness with a slide rule in his hand, and announced slowly and emphatically, like a soldier transmitting a message by shortwave radio:

"You fell asleep for a while. Shows you were tired. I can warm your coffee in the microwave."

"No need, thanks," said Fima. "I've got to run; I'm late."

"Oh. Late. What for?"

"A date," said Fima, to his own surprise, in a man-to-man voice. "I completely forgot I have a date tonight." And he went to the front door and started wrestling with the latch until Ted took pity on him and handed him his overcoat, opened the door, and said softly and, Fima thought, rather wistfully:

"Look, Fima, it's none of my business, but I think you could do with a break. You're looking a little run down. What'll I tell Yael?"

Fima inserted his left arm into the torn lining of his coat sleeve and wondered why the sleeve had turned into a cul-de-sac. He lost his temper, as though Ted was responsible for upsetting the insides of his coat.

"Don't say anything to Yael," he hissed. "There's nothing to say. I didn't come to see her, anyway. I came to talk to you, Teddy, but you're such a numbskull."

Ted Tobias did not take offense. It is likely he didn't understand the last word. He answered carefully, in English:

"Wouldn't it be better if I called you a taxi?"