Fifty Shades Of Sparkling Vampires With Dragon Tattoos That Play Starvation Games (15 page)

Job Seeker Loses Position Over
Compromising Internet Photo

Indianapolis, IN--Eager job seeker Rob
Jefferson had his employment hopes dashed when he was passed over
for an entry level assistant position after a compromising photo of
him was found on a social networking site. “Employers can look you
up on the internet?” Jefferson inquires, shocked. “Who knew?” The
photo in question, which features a naked Jefferson doing a keg
stand flanked by two women in bikinis was displayed prominently on
Jefferson’s social networking profile page. Jefferson, whose screen
name is Beer Pong Champion 2 The Max, had also posted various other
explicit photos of binge drinking, pot smoking, and women in
various states of undress. But Jefferson believe those photos
should factor into hiring practices. “What does beer swilling, bong
hitting, and bagging babes have to do with being someone’s office
lackey?” Jefferson inquires. “If anything, it just goes to show
what an awesome multi-tasker I am.”

Flight Actually Takes Off On
Time

Newark, NJ--Defying all laws of modern
aviation, Flight 2536 to Tulsa actually departed on schedule. “Wait
until my wife hears about this,” business traveler Lloyd Roberts,
who waited two hours and had to be frisked and stripped at the
security checkpoint remarked. “She’ll never believe me.” With
increased security, decreased profit, and a piss poor record on
punctuality, airline expectations have taken a massive hit. But
with this timely take off, maybe air travel will once again live up
to it’s friendly skies motto it once so cherished. “Don’t count on
it,” passenger Jim Bryan declares. “My connecting flight to Santa
Fe was delayed three hours.”

Canada celebrates economic prosperity
with a round on the country

Ottawa, ON--After decades in the
economic doldrums, Canadian businessmen are celebrating their
dollars, or "loony's" prosperity achieving parity with the US
dollar by buying a round of drinks for the country. "This is a
looney day for the loony," one Stockbroker remarked, referring to
the gold dollar coin with a loon pictured on it. "After all this
time, we've finally pulled even with the Yanks. Bottoms up boys,"
he continued. But as the Canucks liquored up, American moneymen are
selling the Canadians short. "I don't know why they're so excited,"
a US economist stated, "our money is still worth the same as
their's. And it's not because Canadian business is doing so great,
it's just because US business have been sucking so much." Another
US economist continued. "Don't they realize, thirty million drinks
are going to put the country in quite an economic
deficit?"

Life

Or

What happens between “Brain Surgery
With The Stars” episodes

Middle-Aged Man’s Hairpiece Is Not
Fooling Anyone

Jacksonville, FL--Despite his best
efforts to hide his follicly-challenged head, Norman Peterson’s
atrocious hairpiece is not fooling anyone. “It looks like he has a
dead animal on his head,” poker buddy Eric Kablonski remarks. “I
don’t know how he can even look himself fin the mirror with that
thing on.” The weave in question was introduced abruptly,
coinciding with Peterson’s fiftieth birthday, but has attracted the
universal disgust of everyone who lays eyes on it. “It’s car crash
bad. I can’t help but stare,” neighbor Amy Tompkins notes. “I’m
embarrassed for him.” But even with all the behind the back barbs,
endless gawking, and choked-off chuckles, there are no plans to
stage an intervention. “Someone needs to sit him down. It’s just
not going to be me,” Kablonski remarks. “I mean come on, it’s like
telling your kid Santa Clause isn’t real.”

Dieter Celebrates Weight Loss With
Trip To All You Can Eat Buffet

Topeka, KS--Miles Johnson’s long hard
fought journey from obese to slightly overweight took a turn for
the celebratory with a feast at the neighborhood all you can eat
buffet. “After all the carb counting, snack skipping, and scale
staring, I think it’s time I cut loose,” Johnson declared, piling
his plate high with steak, sweets, and a shake. The gastronomical
overload was complete after multiple trips to the self serve soft
service ice cream machine, followed by the unbuttoning of the top
button of his pants. “I could eat like this everyday,” Johnson
added, forgetting what triggered the need for a diet in the first
place. “Screw it. Time for cake.” Johnson is scheduled to start a
more intensive diet in the morning.

Chick Flick Rental Fails To Lead To
Sex

Seattle, WA--Disappointment reeks from
every pore of Mike Bell’s bed as the excruciating act of sitting
through a gooey romantic comedy yielded nothing more than cuddling.
“Where’s the sex?” Mike inquires, flabbergasted. “I was hoping to
try out a new position tonight, but hell--right now I’d just settle
for a pity lay.” The trying ordeal was only made worse by the fact
that “the stupid movie wouldn’t end. It was like Chinese water
torture.” But Bell stayed brave, persevering in hopes that the
suffering would lead to carnal delight that would never come. “This
has been a real blow. But if renting a chick flick can’t get you
laid, then what will?” Bell inquires. “I’ve never been held
romantic hostage like this before. Help!”

Threesome Gone Wrong Involves Too Many
Men, Not Enough Women

San Francisco, CA--The fantasy
threesome accountant Steve Patterson had dreamed his whole life
about took a sudden turn for the horrific last night when a knock
at the door revealed not one of his girlfriends female friends like
he’d imagined, but another man. “Hell no,” Patterson rants,
stunned. “This has got to be some kind of mix up.” But it wasn’t.
All too tired of Steve’s constant requests for a threeway, Steve’s
girlfriend agreed to the ménage a trios, but neglected to leave out
one key point. “What does my girlfriend think I am, gay or
something? Why would I want to be with some dude?” Patterson
inquires, apparently unaware of the sexual orientation defying
requests he’s made of his girlfriend. “I’ll never ask for a
threesome again.”

Man Forced To Attend Second Sexual
Harassment Seminar After Hitting On First Seminars
Instructor

Little Rock, AK--Cubicle Clown Bill
Webster found himself in an all too familiar uncomfortable
situation yesterday attending a second sexual harassment seminar in
as many weeks after putting the moves on the first seminars
instructor. “Hey, she was sending me all kinds of signals,” Webster
says of instructor Lynn Duncan. “Besides, her skirt was practically
begging to be balled up at the corner of my bed.” Webster, long on
advances and ego, but short on brains and political correctness,
managed to learn nothing at either seminar. “I don’t see what the
big deal is,” Webster added. “These chicks should feel lucky they
got hit on by a man of my hotness.” A seat at a third seminar is
being kept warm for Webster.

Man refuses to believe that waitress
wasn't hitting on him

Philidelphia, PA--Despite that fact
that she barely exchanged more than pleasantries and that she
smiles like that at everyone, Bill Jones insists that chain
restaurant waitress Emily McGowan was flirting with him. "She digs
me," Bill boasts, "I can tell." Apparently oblivious to the fact
that waitresses live off tips and the best way to get them is to
feign interest, Bill adds "she was real nice and asked me about
myself and stuff. We have a real connection." After scribbling a
generous tip on the check, Bill wrote his phone number. "I'll bet
she'll call me tomorrow," Bill remarks. "We'll be going out before
you know it." Emily then picked up the check and smiled once more
at Bill before rushing off to another table. "She's just playing
hard to get," Bill quips, "she wants me bad."

Midlife Crisis Extends Into Late
Life

Denver, CO--George Monroe’s five year
old midlife crisis, which began with the purchase of a souped-up
sports car, and has more recently included his fourth marriage to
trophy wife and twenty-three year old yoga instructor Tanya
Billingsley, has been granted an indefinite extension. “Grow up?”
Monroe asks “Why would I want to do that? I’m having too much fun.”
Monroe’s recent endeavor’s have included clubbing, bar hopping, and
all night binge drinking. “I feel like I’m twenty-five again,”
Monroe added. But this recent transformation does not sit well with
all, including Monroe’s twenty-five year old son, who had the
unfortunate displeasure of catching his dad grinding against his
new Mother in law at a local club. “I can’t even look my dad in the
eye anymore. He’s a total disgrace,” son Ron declares. And what of
his Mother in law? “That gold digging skank. This is his worst wife
yet.” But Monroe won’t let his critics deter him from his crisis at
hand. “Ron’s just a buzz kill,” Monroe remarks. “He just needs to
chill out.”

Discovery Of Porn Stash Ends Any
Chance Of Man Getting Laid Tonight

Buffalo, NY--Paul
Jablonski’s last hopes for orgasm were quickly dashed last night
with the discovery of Jablonski not well enough hidden porn stash
by his girlfriend Patricia. And with that, the sad tale of Paul’s
undersexed life has yet another chapter. “Damn, I really thought
this would be the day,” laments Jablonski, who wasn’t gotten laid
since his birthday. “God must have it out for me.” Never mind
Jablonski’s porn stash, which feature favorites such as cowgirl,
doggie style, and girl on girl. “Goodbye naughty nurses,” Jablonski
utters, with almost a tear in his eye. “Goodbye sexy stewardesses.
I’m really going to miss you.” But sympathy extends only so far.
“Why does he still have porn anymore? He has me,” girlfriend
Patricia wonders as she throws out his stash. “Well, at least
he
had
me.” So
Jablonski is back at the drawing board. “Man, I so need to
masturbate. But what am I supposed to jerk off to now?”

Woman Does Her Hair And Make Up In
Record Time

Dallas, TX--Much to boyfriend Carl
Smith’s delight, Jane Ward’s frequent patience-draining forty-five
minute hair and make up routine was completed in a record seven
minutes. “Hallelujah,” Smith declares, overjoyed. “This is like a
miracle.” Smith had barely begin his routine of grabbing a beer,
flipping on the sports scores, and fighting off his girlfriend’s
Chihuahua’s attempts to hump his leg, when Ward appeared in the
doorway, ready for public viewing. “I don’t know what got into her.
This must be my lucky day,” Smith adds, still in shock. “Maybe I
should buy a lottery ticket.” But Ward, who broke her former record
time by nearly twenty-eight minutes was quick not to let
expectations be revised for good. “Don’t get excited. I was having
a good hair day.” But for Smith, this is an experience he won’t
soon forget. “Are you kidding? I haven’t seen her move this fast
since the legendary shoe sale of 2005.”

Disgruntled Caller Finally Gets Actual
Human Being On The Line

Boston, MA--After four voice prompts,
two near disconnects, and almost twenty-five minutes on hold,
disgruntled caller Benny James finally got an actual human being on
the line. “It’s about time,” James notes, “one more minute of
elevator music and I was going to have a breakdown.” The ordeal
started innocently enough with the discovery of an error on James’
bill. “This whole thing should have taken two minutes. Tops,” James
declares, exasperated, but the call to the customer service
helpline left James feeling nothing short of helpless. “Jesus. It
was worse than dealing with my ex-wife.” But James descent into
customer service hell continued when he was not greeted by a
courteous plain spoken voice, but with garbled outsourced broken
English. “It’s like she was speaking a different language,” James
remarked, referring to the Indian customer service representative.
“And to boot, she couldn’t even help me. She just gave me another
number to call.”

Garage Sale Couch, Old College
Sweatshirt Casualties In Move With Girlfriend

Minneapolis, MN--In a hard fought
battle of bachelor pad staples, Dave Campbell’s favorite garage
sale couch and old college sweatshirt did not survive the move with
his girlfriend Vanessa. “I gave it all I’ve got, but it just wasn’t
enough,” Campbell laments. “I feel like I’ve let them down.” The
sweatshirt, worn the night Campbell lost his virginity, will not
soon leave his memory. “I’ll never forget how many times I’ve woken
up in the morning with a woman wearing nothing,” Campbell
ruminates. “This is going to take me a long time to get over. If
ever.” Campbell’s girlfriend was out shopping for a new couch and
could not be reached for comment.

Straight Man Attends Yoga Class For
Reason Other Than To Pick Up Chicks

Palm Beach, FL--Although it seems
impossible, Tim Donovan is actually a straight man attending a yoga
class with no intention of picking up chicks. “Don’t get me wrong,
the women here are total knockouts, not to mention how flexible
they are. But I’m not here to hit on them,” Donovan remarks.
“Seriously.” But in an environment of form-fitting outfits, bodies
twisted like pretzels, and downward dogs, what business does a
straight man have doing here if not to throw game? None, say some
women. “I come here to meditate and tap into my inner Goddess,” one
yoga classmate declares. “But how am I supposed to channel my
charkas and attain bliss when I know some guys picturing me naked?”
But Donovan’s sticking to his story. “Oh, I’m all feng shui’d up,
you know? I’m unlocking my calm and stuff,” Donovan rambles
unconvincingly. “Ok, so I admit it. I’m here to pick up chicks. Are
you happy now?”