Read Fifty Shades of Chicken: A Parody in a Cookbook Online
Authors: F.L. Fowler
Fifty Shades of Chicken: A Parody in a Cookbook (9 page)
roasted chicken thighs with sweet-and-sour onions
Thighs
T
he way his apron hangs from his hips already has me all wobbly. But as he coats my thighs with sticky liquid I can hardly contain myself. Is it the wine, or is my aroma starting to drive him crazy, too?
He heats me up fast, and it won’t take much to finish me off now. His lips quirk up into a smile. My own juices are mixing with the coating and running all over the place. I get the strangest, sweetest, most hedonistic feeling up and down. It’s epicureanism run wild!
He spreads my thighs out on a plate. Sticky hands and at least five wet napkins. What will the housekeeper think? Who cares?
SERVES 2 TO 4
1 pound boneless, skinless chicken thighs, patted dry with paper towels
2 garlic cloves, finely chopped
1 teaspoon plus a pinch of coarse kosher salt
½ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 sweet onion, thinly sliced
1 cup white wine
1 bay leaf
1 cinnamon stick
1 tablespoon honey
2 tablespoons unsalted butter
1
Preheat the oven to 450°F. In a large bowl, toss together the chicken, garlic, 1 teaspoon salt, and the pepper.
2
In a small saucepan, simmer together the onion, wine, bay leaf, cinnamon stick, and a pinch of salt until most of the liquid has evaporated, 15 to 20 minutes. Mix in the honey and butter.
3
Spoon the mixture over the chicken and toss well. Spread the thighs, onion mixture, and any juices onto a rimmed baking sheet. Bake until the chicken is no longer pink and the onions are meltingly tender and caramelized, about 25 minutes.
Strip Tease
I
’ve been prevailed upon in ways I never imagined. I’ve agreed to everything so far, but now it’s my turn. I want more. I want to be dinner, I want to taste like me, I want to be
craved
. He’s obsessed with his kinky implements, his techniques, his condiments. I prefer to think this is messed up, but I can see it’s the right thing for him. My mind wanders to the fifteen previous Ingredients.
“Your whole control-freak foodie thing, it was because of her, that woman—Mrs. Child.” My mood has darkened.
“Julia opened my eyes to many important things,” he explains. “In fact, I’d still be eating frozen dinners if it weren’t for her.”
Frozen dinners? The thought of my poor, fucked-up foodie eating cold Tater Tots as a boy breaks my heart. Not taters, baby, never again!
All right then. I’ll bet she never taught you this.
“Strip my breasts, Blades,” I command softly. “Now.”
His eyes widen. Craving thickens the air around us like a wine reduction. I can tell he’s thinking what he might do with my ample white flesh. Well, he’s just going to have to think a little longer, because I have to marinate.
So what will it be? Cupped in a warm tortilla? Slicked with vinaigrette? Rubbed up hot with spice?
We won’t need a recipe for what we’re about to do.
SERVES 2 TO 4
1 pound boneless, skinless chicken breasts, patted dry with paper towels
2 garlic cloves, finely chopped
1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
1 tablespoon chopped fresh rosemary
¾ teaspoon coarse kosher salt
⅛ teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
1
Cut the chicken into ½-inch-thick strips. In a bowl, whisk together the chicken, garlic, balsamic, rosemary, salt, and red pepper flakes. Lay the chicken into the bowl and turn it gently. Drizzle in 2 tablespoons of oil and turn the mixture again. Wrap the bowl tightly and let the chicken marinate in the fridge for 1 hour or overnight. Pat the chicken dry with paper towels.
2
Place a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add the remaining tablespoon of oil and heat until it is shimmering. Toss in the chicken strips and sear without moving until the undersides are golden brown. Continue to cook, tossing occasionally, until the chicken is just cooked through, about 5 minutes.
LEARNING THE ROPES
Feel free to project your dinner fantasies onto the naked flesh of these well-seasoned breasts. Here are some ideas: wrap in warm tortillas and top with tomatoes, avocado, and grated cheese; toss with salad greens, shaved fennel, and a lemony vinaigrette; cut into smaller strips and fold into an omelet to serve the morning after; shred into chicken soup.
chicken fingers with brown sugar and bourbon
Fingers
I
t’s just around midnight. He’s got me in pieces again, whipping up his latest fancy. Brown sugar and bourbon simmer on the range, smelling juiced up and sloppy. I can’t keep up with his shifting moods—sour this morning, sweet tonight. I blame that harpy, Mrs. Child. A cooking show queen, warping boys of just sixteen. Now poor Shifty can’t even chew gum without some kind of kinky cookery. Finesse: it’s a bitch.
“Is this one of
her
recipes?” I can’t hide an edge of bitterness in my voice.
“No, Miss Hen, it’s my own preparation. And I wish you’d stop obsessing about Julia. You’re flogging a dead horse. She’s my past. You are my future.”
His future!
I let this information soak in. I feel my anger subside slightly and my bones grow warm.
My subconscious is squawking,
You’ll get burned again
. I hear her knock on her perch, but I ignore her. She’s still got the blues about Mrs. Child and she’s got a point, but we’ve got to move on. How can I resist those deft hands? That godlike mouth and tongue? If the brown sugar doesn’t sway me, the bourbon will. Why does it smell so good?
He palms my breast, his fingertips just brushing the sensitive tip. “You fit my hand perfectly, Miss Hen,” he murmurs. “Just like a young bird should.”
No, I won’t let anything come between me and my Shifty Blades. Wild foxes couldn’t drag me away.
SERVES 6
1½ pounds boneless, skinless chicken breasts, patted dry with paper towels
1 teaspoon pure chile powder
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon coarse kosher salt
½ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
2 tablespoons brown sugar
2 tablespoons honey
1 tablespoon bourbon
Extra-virgin olive oil, for drizzling
Freshly squeezed lemon juice, for drizzling
1
Using a sharp knife, trim the breasts lengthwise into 1-inch-wide fingers.
2
In a medium bowl, combine the chile powder, cumin, salt, and pepper. Add the chicken fingers and mix well until thoroughly coated. Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and let marinate in the fridge for at least 1 hour, or longer if you want to make the chicken wait for it.
3
Preheat the broiler. Oil a large baking pan or a broiler pan. In a small saucepan, bring the brown sugar, honey, and bourbon to a boil, stirring. Pour half the mixture over the waiting chicken, tossing it gently. Drizzle with oil.
4
Lay the fingers out on the pan without crowding, and broil, turning once, until the chicken is sticky all over and browned around the edges, 5 to 7 minutes.
5
Brush the chicken with more of the sticky glaze for serving, then drizzle with lemon juice.
Spread Wide
I
must have you right now,” he says breathlessly, throwing me down and opening my thighs on the first surface he can find.
“On this?” I ask. “Isn’t this a baking sheet?”
“It’ll have to do.” He practically roasts me with his burning gaze as a low growl issues from his gut.
He looks down at me and slips his fingers between my thighs, spreading them wide. He begins a slow and sensual assault with his hands, scattering capers and lemon everywhere. Because I can’t close my legs, it’s intense, really intense.
Oh fucking my…
SERVES 4 TO 6
1½ pounds boneless, skin-less chicken thighs, patted dry with paper towels
1 teaspoon coarse kosher salt
¼ cup chopped fresh oregano
2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice
2 garlic cloves, minced
½ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
8 ounces cremini mushrooms, trimmed and quartered
⅓ cup extra-virgin olive oil
2 to 3 teaspoons capers
2 tablespoons white wine, chicken broth, or water
Chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley, for garnish
Lemon wedges, for serving
1
Season the chicken with the salt. In a large bowl, combine the oregano, lemon juice, garlic, and pepper. Add the chicken and mushrooms to the bowl and toss to coat. Drizzle in the oil and stir well. If you can bear waiting, let marinate for up to 4 hours in the fridge, or for 15 minutes at room temperature while the oven preheats.
2
Preheat the oven to 500°F.
3
Spread the chicken thighs open in the bottom of a 9 × 13-inch baking pan. Scatter the mushrooms and capers around and over the chicken. Add the wine, broth, or water to the pan and roast until the chicken is golden around the edges, glistening with juices, and just cooked through, about 25 minutes.
4
Sprinkle with parsley and serve with lemon wedges, for squeezing.
stir-fried chicken with spinach and peanuts
Stirred Up and Fried Hard
I
lie exhausted on a bed of rice. He leans over me, tasting me and savoring the juices that are still dripping from me. Cab Calloway is shimmying away on the stereo. Blades runs a hand through his hair and flashes a grin at me.
“Satisfied, Miss Hen?”
I mumble my assent. Holy cow, where does he get his energy? This is the third time we’ve cooked today. Doesn’t he have some kind of job?
“Is stir-fry like this for everyone? I’m surprised anyone ever goes back.” I smile, remembering.
“I can’t speak for everyone, but it’s damn good with you.” He sucks on another piece of my warm flesh.
But I can tell he’s already thinking of how to top this. He’s layering flavors in his head, mixing textures. He can’t just stop and enjoy, he’s got to find a way to move it to the next level. He’s already made a delicious dish, can’t he be happy with that?
From the stereo, Cab is crooning, “Chicken ain’t nothing but a bird.” Right now I’m hardly even that. Blades can finesse all he likes, I think as I drowse. I need my beauty sleep.