Fears and Scars (20 page)

S
now brushes
up against my leg while I fill his water bowl. Liz brings some glasses into the kitchen and sets them on the counter. The last of the guests left half an hour ago, and the girls are cleaning everything up. I’m trying to help them.

“We have it under control, sweetie,” Nina tells Liz, loading the dishwasher. “Go relax.”

“I think I’m ready to call it a night,” Liz says, surprising me.

“That’s a great idea,” Nina encourages.

“Okay, ‘night then. Ryan, would you lay down with me?”

I’m as stunned by her request as Nina who drops something judging by the sudden clatter.

“Of course,” I say, the happiness bursting through my chest evident in my voice.

I’ve spent the last few nights on the couch in case Liz needed me, but not once has she stepped outside her room or asked me to join her. Quite the contrary, she told me to just go to the hotel since the couch was small and uncomfortable. Not that I ever listened.

Turmoil brews inside me and sweat prickles along my palms when I think Liz might have changed her mind about giving us another try and wants to say goodbye while all I dream about is holding her and help her heal. Not knowing where we stand is killing me.

She doesn’t turn on the lights when we step inside her room. She climbs onto her bed, leaning her back against the pillows. I close the door behind me and follow her, laying down beside her.

The room is dark, but with the moonlight filtering through the curtains I see pain etched in deep lines across her forehead. I wish I knew what I could do to soothe her pain, even a little.

“Can I hold you?” My voice penetrates the darkness surrounding us.

“Let’s just be two friends without baggage right now, okay? Remember how we were friends in the beginning, in Paris? How we talked and …”

“And wanted to kiss each other all the time?” I tease.

“Yeah. I guess we were never just friends.”

“No,” I confirm. “We were two people insanely attracted to each other who were too afraid to dive into the relationship right away. That’s why we became friends and then completely and irrevocably fell in love.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, Liz stiffens, making me regret them immediately. “I didn’t mean … Shit. I’m your friend, Liz.” I really am.

“Thanks.”

“Do you want to talk?” Maybe it’s better if we change the subject.

“No.”

We lay silently for a while. I feel like the luckiest man alive when she moves closer to me, buries her face in my chest, and starts humming softly.

“My granny used to sing to me,” she explains, looking up at me. “When I came from the States after the plane crash, I refused to leave my bed for weeks. Granny used to come to my room—this room—with a plate of cookies or some pie and would tell me stories about her childhood, her life, and she sang to me. It helped. Most of the time she even managed to feed me this way. ‘A cookie for a song’ she’d say.”

“Do you remember those songs?”

“Some.”

“Sing to me, please,” I ask her softly.

She does. I’ve never heard Elizabeth sing before, but I can claim with all certainty that there is nothing this woman can’t do well. Her voice is honeyed and melodic. It trembles in a couple of places, so she just hums. It’s beautiful. In fact, it’s so beautiful that I can’t keep pretending we’re just friends. Every second that I do nothing, that I don’t plead for her to take me back feels like a countdown to the end.

Suddenly, the emotions I’d been suppressing for the past few days starts choking me, completely overpowering my common sense.

“Tell me what do.” The feeling of impending doom suffocates me.

“What?”

I prop my head up on my elbow and look down at her.

“Tell me what to do to get you back, Liz.” I sound as desperate as I feel.

“Ryan …” Her plea makes me feel like the bastard I am. She just lost her grandmother and here I am pressuring her. Always only thinking about myself.

I sit up on the bed needing some space to explain everything. “I’m a strong man, Elizabeth, but when it comes to you I’m the weakest creature that’s ever existed. I don’t want to push. I want to give you time and space and whatever else you need, but I can’t lose you. What you said at the hospital parking lot … did you change your mind?”

“Ryan, look at me.” She also shifts into a sitting position and faces me, her eyes piercing mine.

“Just a bit of hope. That’s what I need. That’s all,” I murmur.

“I …” She takes a deep breath. “I still believe in us. I ran after you to give you a chance, but I … God, Ryan.” She reaches for my hands and twines her fingers with mine. “My heart broke from the pain over Granny, but it’s also full of love for you. That’s all I can give you right now.”

“It’s more than enough. Thank you.”

As I bring her hands to my mouth and press kisses to her knuckles, Liz asks me, “Will you be okay to just sleep with me here tonight? I mean we have to try to start somewhere …”

“It’s more than okay. It’s perfect,” I tell her giving her a genuine smile.

My beloved back in my arms is all I need.

There’s no awkwardness when we lay down again, and my arms circle around Liz’s body as she rests her head on my chest just like we used to.

“Is love so hard for everyone?” Liz asks, causing my chest to ache all over again.

“It doesn’t have to be. Liz, loving you is easy. It’s beautiful.”

“Loving you was my highest high and one of my lowest lows.”

I try to swallow around the lump her admission has wedged in my throat.

“I’m sorry for the lows, sweetheart. Love stories aren’t supposed to be tragedies.”

“But all the best love stories are,” she replies softly.

“On paper and on screen. In reality, the best love stories don’t rip you apart. They bring you light and happiness and make you a better person.”

The sound of Elizabeth’s laughter swirls around us. “And you’re a romance expert now? With one love in thirty years under your belt?”

I smirk and place a kiss on her head. “Touché. Good night.”

“’Night,” she whispers as I wrap my arms tighter around her.

F
or the past six months
, waking up alone has been the hardest part of the day since I had to face another day without Liz in my life. So when I open my eyes and see her next to me, not thousands of miles away, I feel like the luckiest man alive.

Those magnificent eyes that I’d spent countless nights dreaming about stare at me from beneath dark lashes, searching for something.

Something’s changed. I can feel it. Resolve glows on her face. And when she leans forward, frames my face in her delicate hands and brings her lips to mine, I know I’m right.

Something
has
changed.

Or maybe this is one of my many dreams about her because this situation sure suits a dream scenario way more than reality.

I chase her lips, reclaiming her sweet mouth. Liz moans when our tongues meet and start exploring each other. Her hands wind in my hair, drawing me nearer. Our mouths move together like we were never apart. Each kiss becomes needier than the last.

The fire her closeness ignites inside me burns hot, and my hard cock screams at me to take her, to plunge into her tight, perfect heat. The temptation is so damn strong, but I don’t want to just have sex with her. I want her to give us another chance. I want her to love me again. I want her to marry me and have my children.

My wandering touch slows. “Liz …” I rasp against her mouth.

Our chests heave as we stare into each other’s eyes. Through my gaze, I try to convey all the thousands of questions swirling through my head.

What does it mean?

Are you giving me another chance?

Is this a goodbye?

Elizabeth reaches up to smooth away the lines that have formed on my forehead.

“I don’t want to feel pain anymore, Ryan. Only love.” Is she saying what I think she is saying? “With you,” she clarifies, “I need to feel love with you. Now.”

This is definitely a dream.

“Are you sure?”

A smile spreads across her face, almost clouding all the sorrow her eyes bear. “I’m sure. It’s not an act of desperation, Ryan. Well, it is, but it’s a desperation for
you
. I want us to try again. I can’t miss you any more when you’re inches away. I
need
you.”

Her words spin in my head like a tornado, and my heart beats so hard it might explode any minute. It’s happening. Elizabeth is mine again.

“Make love to me, please.”

Silently, tenderly I undress her, then quickly get rid of my clothes.

I stretch over Liz and kiss every inch of her from head to toe, lavishing attention on all the sensitive areas I know so well, lingering in places that make her gasp, sigh, and whimper. I adore her with my mouth and hands like I’ve never adored her before. Touch her like it’s our first time all over again.

When at last I settle myself between her thighs, our gazes collide.

God, nobody ever looks at me like she does.

Nobody’s ever loved me like she does.

Liz places her hand on my chest, my heart thuds hard beneath her touch.

“Ryan, should we use protection?”

The real meaning of her words is clear. We haven’t discussed our time apart.

“I haven’t been with anyone, Liz, or wanted to be with anyone,” I tell her bringing my hand over hers that still rests over my heart. “You are my wife in here, remember?”

I won’t allow her to doubt that’s she’s anything less than absolutely everything to me.

A bright smile breaks across her face.

“Liz, should we use protection?” I mirror her question, remembering those photos of her draped over some guy. It doesn’t help that I know he spent the night in her apartment.

“No. Yes.”

My body goes rigid.

“I mean it’s only ever been you, Ryan, but I’m not sure I’ve been taking my pills these last couple of days. It’s probably okay. I’ve been taking them for years.”

I want to ask her about the photos, but I don’t. I trust her.

Sensing my uneasiness, Liz adds, “Ryan, I couldn’t even kiss anyone. I never wanted to either. I’ve only ever loved you.”

Relief rockets through my bloodstream.

I raise our clasped hands kiss her delicate fingers. “My lips are only yours too. All of me is yours only. I only ever loved you, baby,” I vow before rolling us onto our sides and hooking her leg over mine.

With slow precision, I enter her. She clenches around me when I bury myself deep inside her.

I mutter a curse; she moans.

Her name falls from my lips in a thick whisper.

Being inside her again feels like heaven, like finding the only home I’ve ever known.

Running my hand down her thigh, I wrap my arms around her waist so every part of our bodies touch.

Rocking us slowly, I murmur words of love. I tell her how much I want to spend the rest of my life with her without lies, without secrets. Between kisses, I promise to never again crush her with my love. To always cherish her, make her smile and laugh. As my fingers move over her skin, I assure her that I’ll do everything in my power to keep our love story simple.

I make love to her slowly and deeply. Our gazes fixed on each other as our bodies move together as one. Each slow thrust brings us closer together, eliminating the ache in our souls.

When Liz comes, her body writhes in pleasure, her fingers dig deep into my muscles, I join her. A deep groan leaves my throat as my release washes through my body.

A bright glint of pleasure and love shines in Liz’s eyes when she murmurs in the tiny whisper of space between our mouths, “I never stopped loving you, Ryan.”

Neither did I. Not for a second.

R
yan tucks
a stray strand of hair behind my ear, leans down, and kisses my cheek, “You can’t even imagine how hard it is for me to leave you again, Liz,” he whispers in my ear.

We’re standing by the security checkpoint at the airport, delaying the inevitable.

My heart begs me to scream at him to stay. Instead, I tell the man I love, “It’s different this time, Ryan.”

“Right. This time it isn’t the end.”

“No. This time it’s the beginning.”

Things have been hard since Granny passed away last month. Ryan and I were both struggling—me with grief and him with guilt over hurting me. But at the end of the day, we were there for each other, willing to fight for our future.

The past four weeks have written an entirely new chapter in our relationship. Even though we’re closer than we’ve ever been, things aren’t magically perfect. We still have a lot of work to do. I put tons of barricades around my heart to protect myself from Ryan, and it will take some time to break them down completely. But we’re figuring things out and making up for the time we lost when we were apart.

Am I afraid that he’ll cut me up again? I’m terrified, but I won’t let those fear and scars dictate my life. I’m brave enough to give us another chance. Ryan sincerely regrets what happened, and I’m sure the man I love is absolutely worth the risk. Above all, I believe I’m strong enough to survive whatever comes my way.

What will happen if Ryan hurts me again? I’ll kick his ass, or call Nina and we’ll do it together.

If life has taught me anything, it’s that it’s precious. We don’t know how long we might have. I refuse to waste any more time being unhappy or afraid to do what I want. Being with Ryan is what makes me happy.

“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, Elizabeth Grace Williams,” he repeats the words he told me the last time we said goodbye. It feels so bittersweet. “I’m ever thankful for that Monday morning when I met you.”

My resolve is breaking with every second now.

“Ryan…”

I should ask him to stay, but then again I need to pack everything and it’s impossible to get any work done with him always touching me or parading around the apartment with his chest bare and jeans that hang low on his sculpted hips.

With Granny gone, there’s nothing keeping me in Moscow except for Nina who now spends a lot of her time in L.A. with her father. Even though Ryan says it doesn’t matter to him where we live and that we can relocate Jacob, I don’t want to disturb my brother’s life just to be close to him. Besides, there are great universities in New York. And it’s time for Ryan’s dream to become a reality. He sacrificed a lot in his life for the people he loves, and now it’s his time.

So I’m moving to New York and moving in with Ryan again. But before that, I want to visit my parents’ graves and my childhood home one last time before I sell it for real this time.

The only way to move forward is to leave the old ghosts behind.

“I’ll miss you like crazy,” Ryan admits. His gaze moves over me with raw longing.

“My flight leaves in four days, and I’ll be in New York before you know it. Right in time to start planning Thanksgiving.”

“Every minute away from you will be pure torture.”

“Come on, Price. Stop with the cheesy phrases. I love you. We’ll be together soon.”

With our hands framing each other’s face, we share one last kiss.

As I watch Ryan disappear inside a VIP boarding door, I fidget with the necklace he sent me on our anniversary. So much has changed since we meet.

Planes aren’t as bad as they used to be.

In four days, one will take me to my happily ever after.