Fears and Scars (12 page)

“
I
t’s insane
, Ryan,” Mark declares after I tell him about Jacob.

Yesterday, I stood in a courtroom while a judge granted me temporary custody of Elizabeth’s brother. Money can do wonders. We arrived in New York this morning, and I went straight to Price Corp. to talk to my brother. Seems he isn’t thrilled with my decision.

“It’s what needed to be done, Mark. It’s the only way.”

“What about Liz? You’re making decisions for her …. Shouldn’t she get a say?”

I clench my fists at my sides and fold my arms. “I already told you. She doesn’t want to hear a word about her brother.”

“When she finds out, she’ll want to be here for him. You gotta tell her, man.”

“No,” I bark, shaking my head. “And then what? She’ll have to decide between leaving her grandmother, whose days are numbered, and being a parent to an underage brother. I can’t let that happen. She started online classes several months ago; she has plans for the future for the first time in years.”

Can’t he understand that all I want is for Elizabeth to be happy, to achieve everything she wants in life? I can’t just sit back and watch her suffer and struggle. Not after how hard she’s worked since her grandmother got sick. She deserves happiness.

“Liz is stubborn when it comes to me helping her. She wants to be independent, to take care of herself. After she found out I bought her old house, she stopped using money in her account and took loans again.”

The irony in all this is that buying that house seemed like a fortune to her when it was nothing to me. I spend just as much on clothes each year.

“She’s strong. We’ll figure something out.” My brother stalks back and forth from one side of his office to the other, clearly searching for some solution. “Can’t you just bring her grandmother here for a while?”

“I can, Mark. But her last wish is to stay in Russia. It’s her home. She wants to be buried next to her husband.”

He sighs heavily. “Isn’t she like out of it?”

“She may not know what year it is or who Liz is, but she knows people at the facility, she feels safe there. Plus, she doesn’t speak a word of English. You think I haven’t thought of that?”

“Then what?” The desperation in his eyes is evident. I know Mark wants to help, but with his assault record, there isn’t much he can do. It’s our father he wanted to beat to death. Can’t say I blame him for that.

“Then I stay here, be Jacob’s guardian until the lawyers get him emancipated.”

“He’s a troubled teenager with a record. What if it won’t happen?”

I can’t think about such possibilities right now even though I know what Mark says is true. There’re only so many strings I can pull.

“I have the best lawyers in the country working on it. It’ll work.”

He looks away from me, his jaw clenched. “This is bullshit. You have to tell her.”

“I won’t, Mark. It’s decided.”

He scrubs a hand over his face. “It’ll destroy what you have with Liz.”

My chest tightens from his statement.

“Don’t you think I fucking know that?” I push back from the table and shout at him, feeling sick to my stomach.

I know damn well that what I’m doing will cost me. I realize there’s a huge chance Liz won’t forgive me once everything comes to light. But I also always know love is about sacrifice. When you really love someone, their happiness always comes first. That’s what I’m doing—putting Liz’s needs before my own. Putting her future and emotional well-being before my desire to be with her every second of every day.

I force the devastation at the possibility of losing her back as I say, “I can only hope she’ll understand everything when it’s over.”

“For a guy who graduated from Harvard, you’re a moron.”

Marks declaration makes me snap. “Look who’s talking. The guy who makes the better part of his decisions with his jeweled dick.”

“It’s pierced, and at least I’m not a stubborn mule. I’ll tell Liz if you don’t.”

“You won’t.”

“The fuck I will. I won’t let you hurt her like that.”

I growl. What part of what I just told him does he not fucking understand?

“Your truth will hurt her more in the long run, Mark. You know it. Just give me a month. If I don’t figure out something by then, you can tell her everything.”

From how his shoulders fall into a deep slump, I know I’ve won for now. But Mark and Elizabeth are close. I need to make sure he won’t screw this up.

“I’m asking you as my brother to keep this a secret. Even if I’m making a mistake, please, choose me in this situation.”

Mark flinches and abruptly turns away like he can’t stand to look at me. I’ve never asked him for anything. Not once. And now I’m backing him into a corner. No matter how much he loves Liz, Mark’s my brother. On top of that, I know he harbors this impression that he owes me for something. It’s a dick move on my part, but I have to use it.

He tugs his fingers through his hair and sighs. “Okay. One month.”

“I appreciate it.”

“The longer you wait to admit the truth, the harder it becomes. There’s mistakes you can’t undo, bro.” When he meets my eyes, his expression is stern, the usual easygoing demeanor long gone.

He sits back in his chair as I walk out of his office with a heavy heart.

The truth is, I have no idea what to do. I’ve never been more torn in my life. I feel like I can’t tell Elizabeth about Jacob. I also can’t abandon the boy and let him go to some horrible group home. Everything is fucked up.

O
ver the next week
, I keep myself busy with work, study like crazy, spend time with Granny, and volunteer at the local orphanage with Nina. She keeps me company all through the weekend and even spends a night in the guest room. Girl time is great, but I miss Ryan like crazy. It’s torture to wake up alone every morning, but I push the ache and sadness aside and go on with my life knowing that each day brings me closer to Ryan’s return.

When I step outside my office on Monday evening, I smile. The biting winter cold and blustering winds are gone replaced with the scent of an impending spring—the time of new possibilities. Everything in nature awakens, bringing hope and filling the body with energy to begin again.

As I walk to the hotel, I decide to give Ryan a call. It’s almost noon there, so I dial his number.

After the fourth ring, it goes to voicemail.

“Hey, honey. Call me when you have time. Bye.”

Disappointment shrieks through my veins.

Why, Liza? Do you think he’s waiting for your calls all the time? Don’t be ridiculous. He has things to take care of.

Two hours later, there’s still no response.

I feed Snow, who’s been brooding for days without his favorite parent, have dinner in front of the TV, and write a paper that’s due in a week. And, of course, I stare at my phone every five seconds.

Ryan’s name flashes on the screen when I’m in bed setting up the alarm.

“Hey.”

“Hi, baby.” His voice seems deeper over the phone, and the kaleidoscope of butterflies in my stomach wakes up and flaps their wings. “I’m sorry I missed your call. I was in meetings all morning and my phone was charging in my office.”

It’s quiet aside from him speaking, so I assume he must be in his office now. I immediately wish I was there with him.

“It’s okay. How’re you?”

A heavy breath reverberates through the line. “Tired. What about you?”

I cuddle up in bed with the phone to my ear and tell him about my day. Then Ryan tells me how his day started and that he has another business meeting planned for later.

“Do you have any idea when you’ll be back?” The question flies out of my mouth before I can stop it.

It’s been bothering me—his departure has been longer than I expected.

“Not yet.”

“Oh … okay.”

“I’ve been absent for a long time, and things have piled up. Shit. I can’t … just know that I’m not coming back ‘cause I
must
be here, Liz. There’s no other way.” While I try to make sense of his explanation, he asks, “How’s your grandmother?”

We talk some more about everything and nothing before he has to leave for his next meeting.

“Maybe next time we can video chat,” I suggest.

“Sure, baby. Call me in the morning. I’ll be working late tonight.” There’s something in his voice, a waver of heaviness as if he carries the burdens of the whole world on his shoulders.

“Okay. Ryan?”

Another heavy breath. “Yeah?”

“Are you all right?”

He laughs, but it sounds bitter. “Hell no. I’m not all right. I haven’t had you in my arms for five days. I haven’t touched or kissed you in one hundred and twenty hours. And I can’t do anything about it ‘cause I’m over four thousand miles away from you. So, no, I’m not all right.”

A sadness looming in his voice slices my heart. I know exactly what he’s saying. We’re both hollow without the other.

“I miss you too.”

“Even though we’ve never been to New York together, everything reminds me of you. It’s ridiculous.” He exhales. “But it doesn’t matter. We’ll be together soon.”

“We will, and we’ll make up for the lost time,” I reassure him. “Nina told me about this Ice Sculpture museum we should check out, and I asked around about interesting places at work. So be ready, mister. A lot of excitement is waiting for you here.”

His voice sounds a bit relaxed when he says, “Sounds great, baby. I’m sorry I have to run.”

“No problem. Have a great day, honey.”

“I love you, Liz.”

Even though Ryan is on the other side of the world, I feel it—the magnitude of his feelings for me, and it’s the most beautiful feeling in the world to be loved like that by the man you love just as much.

“I love you too. So much. And I miss you. Come back to me,” I murmur.

“Always,” he replies without hesitation. “Night, baby.”

“Night.”

I end the call, set my phone down on the nightstand, hug Ryan’s pillow, and fall asleep with a smile on my face. Life is good.

“
W
akey-wakey
, sleepyhead,” Nina sing-songs loudly.

The clock reads six-thirty. On a Sunday morning. What the hell is wrong with my best friend?

“Go away,” I mumble into the pillow.

“Come on, Liza, the world’s waiting.” She hops on the bed and nudges me to scoot over. It’s a ginormous king-sized bed. Can’t she find some free space without disturbing me? And why does she have to be such a ball of energy each morning? I groan because asking her those questions seems like a lot of work right now.

Since Ryan’s departure four weeks ago, Nina has been crashing in the guest room every other night to keep me company. We’re having tons of fun except for her newfound love of waking up before the birds.

“It’s too early,” I say weakly, but turn my head to look at her.

The sunlight shines through the window casting a streak of light right across my face making me bury my face in the pillow again. Unbelievable. First Nina, and now the sun is plotting against me.

“Don’t be grumpy shoes,” my friend protests.

This gets my attention.

“Grumpy shoes?”

“We can discuss my wrong choice of words during breakfast. I already made my signature ham and bacon sandwiches.”

I swear I hear a big-ass smile in her voice. God, it should be illegal to be that cheerful when waking someone on Sunday.

“No …” I whine.

Nina suddenly hops up from the bed, making the mattress jostle underneath me. “Ugh,” I protest lamely.

“I’m leaving in two hours for two weeks. So come on, lazy pants, get up! We need to gossip before my taxi gets here.”

I grunt, rub my face, and scurry off the bed. I completely forgot Nina was leaving to visit her brother in Saint Petersburg. It’s his birthday tomorrow, and since he’s a hotshot lawyer stuck at work all the time, she decided to go to him and spend her vacation there. “I’ll take a shower, and then I’m all yours,” I tell her with as much cheer as I can muster.

“Ten minutes! And don’t fall asleep there,” she shouts, already making her way out of the bedroom.

W
hen I wander
into the kitchen after a quick shower, Nina is sitting at the table, tapping on her phone.

“Hiya! Looking good,” she greets me, scooping some eggs up with her fork. The promised sandwich is waiting for me on another plate along with an omelet. I eye them hungrily.

“The fact that you can cook is the only reason I forgive you for dragging me out of bed,” I declare.

I’m surprised when I receive no smart-ass comeback from my spitfire friend. Instead, she regards me with serious eyes. I immediately regret my words. What a terrible friend I am. She just wants to spend some time with me before she leaves, and I’m being a bitch because I miss Ryan.

“Sorry for being mean. Coffee will remedy it, I promise.”

“Yeah, it will.” Even though she looks at me skeptically, she also gives me a smile before getting back to her phone while I make us two lattes using a fancy cappuccino machine.

“Are you all right, Liza?” Nina asks as I take a seat on one of the chairs and slide a cup across the table as a peace offering. “You seem sad lately.”

“I’m fine. Just busy,” I lie, blowing on the top of my drink.

“Missing Ryan?” she probes, and I nod. I miss him like crazy.

Sympathy flashes over Nina’s face, “I’m sure he’ll be home before you know it.”

“It’s been more than a month.” I let myself share my pain and worry with my best friend for the first time since Ryan left. Usually, I wear a brave face, or at least try not to voice everything she sees in my eyes. “He told me he was leaving for a week tops, but then … there’s always more work, you know? And it just feels like he left me behind. God, I’m being selfish and needy.”

“No, you aren’t.”

“I am. I also realize I was a mess before he left. I blamed him about the adoption, shut down his attempts to talk about my brother, and we had a fight when David told me about the house. Things were rough. But …” This is not the reason for Ryan’s prolonged trip. It can’t be.

“You were concerned about Ryan hiding things from you. I get that he wanted to do a nice thing, but I also understand why you were worried. When hidden things are revealed, it tends to hurt like a motherfucker.”

Nina’s relationship with her mom is strained because of lies. Her whole life my friend believed her father abandoned her. Only recently did she find out that wasn’t true. Apparently, her dad cheated on Nina’s mom, and she forbid him from seeing Nina and her brother, Andrew.

“Have you flat-out asked Ryan when he’s coming back and what’s going on?”

“Of course I did. Every time I ask him when he’s coming back, he tells me he has to go and that we’ll talk soon, or he changes the subject. It isn’t like him. Plus, he sounds odd sometimes. Like he’s hiding something again, which is absurd. Then he writes all these heartbreakingly beautiful texts and sends me my favorite flowers and chocolates, and all sorts of thoughtful gifts. The other day, I got a delivery from the café we used to frequent because it was the six-month anniversary of when we first went there. He remembered our first order and everything. They don’t do delivery, so it’s …” I fidget with my engagement ring. “Why would he be so sweet if he wasn’t planning on returning? What if he doesn’t come back to me?” The desperation in my voice so strong, I shake my head. I shouldn’t think the worst all the time.

“Hey, stop it. Honey, Ryan loves you. I’m sure something major’s happening if it’s taking him so long to return. I see how he looks at you, Liza. I see love in his eyes.”

I exhale, but her words don’t completely dissolve the weight that has settled on my chest.

“Fancy suit and you have this epic love. It just doesn’t go away because you were hard on him once. Men like Ryan don’t give up.”

I sigh.

“Maybe I stopped being a thrill. He got tired of a sure thing and moved on?”

“Hush. He wouldn’t have told the world he’s taken then.”

I look at her perplexed since she’s thrown me for a loop. “What are you talking about?”

“Haven’t you seen ‘The 20 Most Eligible Bachelors in New York City’ piece?”

“New York what?”

“I have a Google alert on Mark … Don’t even start. It’s nothing. Just pure curiosity,” she fires out before I can raise a brow. I raise it anyway.
Curiosity my ass.
“So last week an article popped up, and Ryan was in it as well.” She swipes her thumb across her iPhone screen. After a few clicks, she drops the phone on the kitchen table and slides it to me. “Look. Ryan is number five.”

My eyes land on an image of my fiancé, sharp and confident in his suit, exuding power like the whole world lays under his feet. As usual, my pulse speeds up at the sight of him.

In the picture he doesn’t look like a guy who cuddles with me on the couch while watching mindless TV, or a guy who massages my feet after I’ve had a long workday, a guy who spends hours playing with a cat, or a guy who looks like a happy child when he comes up with an idea for a new design. No. Ryan looks like a man who runs the world and has a gorgeous woman on his arm every night. A woman with money and a social status. Maybe that is what’s happening? Maybe he realized what he had been missing when he returned to New York? Maybe this time apart showed him how much easier it is without me with all my brokenness and baggage.

I knew from the beginning that we were worlds apart, but Ryan didn’t seem to care about that, not even for a moment. What if he started caring?

“Liza, you here?”

“Yeah,” I say, trying to pull myself back to the topic at hand.

“Why’re you upset? Did you hear what I said?” Nina looks puzzled.

“No, sorry. I got sidetracked.”

“Of course you did. He’s a handsome bastard.” She smirks. “Scroll down and read the footnote.”

I do as I’m told and quickly scan the text on the screen: “Mr. Price himself claims he’s ‘very much taken man.’ The ring he wears is proof and a cause for heartbreak for women all over Manhattan.”

Satisfied, Nina snatches her phone from my hands. “See? He basically declared his love for you to the entire world.”

I contemplate what she’s shown me as take a bite of my sandwich.

If Ryan is telling everyone he’s in a relationship, my worries must be all in my head then. He
is
busy running his multimillion-dollar corporation, and I’m turning into a needy, insecure girlfriend.

Crap. Long-distance relationships suck.

“Okay. Maybe I’m just making things up. But he didn’t say my name,” I point out to Nina.

“Of course he didn’t. You want paparazzi up your ass so you can’t work? Liza, I agree that your concerns are wise. I want to kick him in the balls myself for worrying you, and I will when he gets back. But the simple truth is, sometimes men are morons for no reason. That’s why they need us women to set them straight.”

A smile tugs at the corners of my lips from her explanation.

“Liza, he’s not David,” Nina says the words as gently as she can, but a piece of bread still gets stuck in my throat.

I take a few gulps of my latte and answer her defensively, “I know he’s not David.” I do know that. I know Ryan would never betray me like that. “It’s just …” I try to find the words to describe the weird flicker in my fiancé’s eyes the last time we had a video call. “Something feels wrong. It’s just a stupid feeling, but I … we haven’t been apart that much since we met. That must be the reason,” I mumble trying to find some explanation for my craziness.

“Distance getting to you?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know. It’s not the physical distance even though I wish he was here already. It’s just … Ryan and I, we were close emotionally. Like I could look him in the eye and see the truth there. Now I’m getting mixed vibes from him all the time. I just can’t figure it out. I need to see him. We haven’t had a video chat in a while. I can suggest it tonight. It’ll be okay.” I stop my rant. I sound crazy.

“Oh my God, how haven’t I thought of this before,” Nina exclaims, stands up, and starts jumping up and down and pumping her hands in the air like she’s won the lottery.

I exhale and laugh at her. It’s great to know you aren’t the only weirdo in the room.

“Thought of what?” I ask her with a smile.

“Go to him.”

“What?”

“Get a few days off and go visit Ryan in New York. If you leave next weekend, you can have four or five days together. Go. Go!” She high-fives me, and I return it.

“This is … I’m not sure, Nina.”

“Granny will be fine for such short time. I’ll take care of Snow. You worked so many Saturdays lately that Ana will give you a few days off, for sure. Plus your fiancé owns a damn plane.”

“Nina—”

She doesn’t let a word leave my mouth. “Just surprise him then. Show him what he’s missing. Buy some new lingerie. Or a flogger.”

“Nina!”

“What? People are into experimenting these days.
Fifty Shades
and everything. And you, lady, need to make an impression.” She winks at me and takes a sitting position again.

“You’re just too much sometimes. Talking with Mark is a bad influence.”

Seeing a mischievous gleam in Nina’s eyes, I know I won’t like what’s coming next. “Don’t even think about it,” I warn her. “No Mark-talk today. It’s a hard morning as it is.”

“Then promise to do it.”

“It does sound like a good idea,” I admit. “I miss him very much, but I don’t even know where he lives.”

Oh my God, I don’t know where my fiancé lives!

“Well, call Mark and ask him to arrange everything. He’d do anything for you. Or talk to Ryan. Tell him you want to visit him. It may not be as bad as you think. He may really be busy. Besides, he knows how you hate flying and that you don’t like to leave Granny for long.”

“You may be right. I never suggested I could come to him.”

“Then it’s settled. Let me know if you need a travel companion. My lady parts would be thrilled to see the other Price.”

“Ew. I’m eating!”

“Okay. Okay. I promise to keep it PG rated,” she says, looking rather pleased with herself. “I need to run,” Nina declares seconds later, downing the last of her latté. “A plane won’t wait for me no matter how smart or pretty I am.”

I laugh at her antics, “Bye, I’ll miss you.”

We hug and give each other kisses on the cheeks.

“Bye, sweets. Call your man. I’m sure he’d be thrilled that you want to see him.”

R
yan isn’t thrilled
to hear I want to come to New York. I called him right after Nina left and suggested we have a video call. Seeing him on the screen only solidified my decision to go to him. But I watched him try to stay collected and hide the nervousness in his eyes.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.” My fiancé sucker punches me in the gut with his words.

Say what?

I don’t even try to hide my disappointment because this is so not what I wanted to hear. Not at all.

“Baby, you hate to fly. I don’t want you to suffer.” Ryan’s voice is soft, but my stomach drops to my toes. Something is going on. His words may be true, but they sound like an excuse.

Why is a man who hasn’t seen the woman he loves for almost a month making excuses instead of giving orders to fuel his jet?

“I can manage, Ryan. I’ll take a pill.” My tone is flippant. “Don’t you think it’s a small sacrifice for us to spend several days together? I haven’t asked Ana yet, but I’ve been working non-stop lately, so I am sure she’ll be okay with it.”

“I just don’t want you to endure something you don’t like when I’m almost certain I’ll be in Moscow soon. I didn’t want to tell you before I knew for sure, but I planned to visit you next week.”

“Oh.” That may explain why he’s acting weird, but the feeling of uneasiness doesn’t disappear. Maybe because his voice sounds controlled, or maybe I’m just paranoid.

We talk for several strained minutes. Something is off, and I can’t pinpoint if it’s because of my suggestion to come or because we’re so far away. Either way, the distance between us is tangible not only in miles.

Lately, nearly every conversation with Ryan has left a nagging burn deep in my chest.