Fat Vampire Value Meal (Books 1-4 in the series) (33 page)

“You can’t glamour over video,” said Maurice. “Vampire sociopaths have been trying to do it since the advent of television.”

“Well,” said Reginald, “in that case, I must just have made a really good case for dropping everything, running to the airport, and taking an international flight in order to meet strangers on top of a remote German hilltop at midnight.”
 

Maurice’s eyes rolled down, pensive.
 

“We saw
Dumb and Dumber
on the plane,” said Claire. “It was terrible.”
 

“It’s dated,” said Reginald.
 

“No,” said Claire. “I can tell it was horrible when it was made.”
 

“It’s really cold up here all of a sudden,” Victoria said vacantly.

Nikki was pacing. “Why, Reginald? You know why we’re here. This isn’t a tourist trip. We went to such great lengths last time to protect her, and this time she was half a world away and you brought her
into the danger zone.
”
 

“Thanks,” said a new voice. “Now I’m going have ‘Highway to the Danger Zone’ stuck in my head for a week.” The three vampires turned to watch as Kenny Loggins crested the hill. Then Kenny added, “My songs are sticky. How do you think I won all those Grammys?”
 

Claire was nonplussed by Loggins’s arrival. She meandered off to find her mother, who’d crossed to the other side of the massive rock so that she could read all of the inscriptions that had been carved into it over the years.

“Kenny,” said Reginald.
 

“Reginald,” said Kenny Loggins.
 

“Holy crap, it
is
cold,” said Nikki.
 

“Oh, Jesus,” said Maurice. Then, to Reginald: “Why is
he
here?”
 

And Reginald said, “Trust me.”
 

A moment later, Reginald was pulling Nikki away from Kenny Loggins and explaining to Loggins that she was no longer human and therefore wouldn’t interest him. Loggins seemed disappointed. Then Victoria and Claire rounded the rock and came back into view. When Kenny Loggins saw them, he was so shocked that he turned into Hervé Villechaize.
 

“Um,” said Hervé Villechaize. He was so small that he could have hidden behind Reginald’s legs, so he did until Reginald stepped away and kicked him, figuring he owed him one anyway for the treadmill prank last month.
 

“Hello,” said Claire.
 

“Hello,” said Victoria, bending forward at the waist to meet Villechaize eye-to-eye.
 

“Hey,” said Villechaize, shaking her hand. “I’ve never met you before.”
 

 
Nikki put a hand on Reginald’s shoulder and turned him away from the group. Maurice would be able to hear what she said, of course, but the woman, the girl, and Villechaize wouldn’t.

“Help me out here,” she said.
 

“Look,” said Reginald. “They’ll be safe. They’re on the winning side, remember?”
 

“But
whyyyy
,” Nikki whined. This had to be exhausting for her. Not physically, but mentally. Reginald himself, on the other hand, finally felt like he was hitting his stride.
 

“The angels want evolution, right? Well, I’ve formed a friendly relationship with someone I was supposed to feed on. And in turn, she kept me alive.”
 

“You can hardly be the first vampire who’s done that,” she said.
 

Reginald shrugged. “Claire can be quite persuasive,” he said. “Besides, we have nothing else. No harm, no foul. I even paid for their flight and hotel using Walker’s credit card.”
 

Nikki eyed him. It was most definitely an eyeing, seeming to bore into him and ask if he was really telling her the truth.
 

“And Kenny Loggins?” She looked over, then looked back after realizing that Loggins had made a change. “I mean, the midget?” she amended, giving no indication that she found Kenny Loggins, Hervé Villechaize, or one becoming the other at all odd.
 

“That’s Altus. He’s an incubus. Shape shifter and seducer of women. I’d keep your distance. You’ll be immune as a vampire, but he’s still an asshole.”
 

“Incubus? I thought they were women.”
 

“That’s a succubus. Incubi are male. They screw women in the night. You should read the accounts. The way it’s written, it’s like a surprise, like these women turn around and suddenly realize they’d been screwed by a demon, and are all like, ‘Dammit, not again!’”
 

“They’re like a shape-shifting Todd Walker,” said Nikki.
 

“Exactly.”
 

“So why is he here?”
 

Reginald shrugged. “Comic relief?”
 

Behind them, Victoria was telling Hervé Villechaize, “I loved you in
Fantasy Island.
” Villechaize was trying to slink away, to hide behind Maurice. Maurice didn’t owe him for a treadmill prank, but he kicked him repeatedly anyway. Again and again. And again. The woman and girl either didn’t notice the overt violence or didn’t care.
 

Suddenly, the entire hilltop seemed to come alive. The rock shook, and Hervé Villechaize fell to the ground, the impact jarring him into what seemed to be Altus’s default shape of a good-looking tall man with shoulder-length dark blonde hair.
 

Smoke and fire belched from nowhere, and a shape began to resolve in front of them. Victoria watched the giant rock altar with a wide grin plastered on her face as if she were watching a stage show. Claire looked enraptured, as if she’d never seen anything so engaging. Reginald thought dimly that her awe had to be magnified if the last thing she’d seen was
Dumb and Dumber.
 

When the fire was gone and the smoke had dwindled to a few remaining wisps curling into the night sky, the imposing figure of Balestro in his familiar scary old man shape stood in front of them. He looked the same as the last time Reginald had seen him — white-haired, with very severe eyes. He trained the eyes on each one of them in turn.
 

“I come today as a representative of the founding Six, who fell from grace, who created Cain and Abel, who set the game in motion aeons past, who…”

“Yeah, we got this already,” said Reginald.
 

Balestro stopped, then re-gathered himself. “Your time has expired. You understand?”
 

“I understand.”
 

“And you lay down willingly?”
 

“Not at all. I offer myself as an agent of evolution for the vampire species. You’re all omniscient and stuff. You can see what’s in my mind?”
 

“Of course,” said Balestro.
 

“So… then you know how awesome it is. Check it out. Pretty good, right?”
 

“I guess.”
 

Maurice whispered in his ear, asking just what the hell he was doing.
 

“Showing off,” said Reginald. Then to the angel, he said, “Check this out.”
 

He reached down, placed one oddly-shaped rock at his foot, precariously balanced a second rock on top of the first, then found a third rock and balanced it on top. The rickety tower of three looked ready to fall when Reginald grabbed the top rock and kicked his legs up so that he was doing a one-handed handstand on top of the rocks, all of which had become perfectly still and balanced.

“Neat trick,” said the angel, unamused.
 

“That’s nothing,” said Reginald. “Give me two numbers.” He was still upside down, but now he was scissoring his legs as if doing an upside-down jig. A coin had appeared in his free hand. He held the hand out to the side and made the coin jump across his knuckles. Then the coin hopped into the air and landed back on his hand. He said, without looking at the coin, “Heads.” Then he flipped the coin again. “Heads.” Again. “Tails.”
 

“That’s amazing,” said Altus. Then, to the angel, he said, “He’s getting these right. It’s aweso…”
 

“Enough!” said the angel.

“Heads. Tails. Tails.”
 

“And you are?” said Victoria, extending a hand to the angel on the altar.
 

Nikki tugged at Reginald’s pantleg, which was falling down, exposing his long black socks and hairy calves. “Get
down!
He’s just getting pissed off.”
 

“Oh
no
,” said Reginald. “I’ve pissed off someone who’s going to kill us all no matter what we do?”
 

“Stop it!”

Maurice was pacing, taking in the scene: fiery Balestro, upside-down Reginald, protesting Nikki, perplexed Altus, polite Victoria, and interested Claire. He put his hand to his chin, thinking.
 

“Hey Maurice,” said Reginald. “Tell Mr. Balestro about how you drove off four fellow vampires and then turned me to save me, out of compassion for someone who was supposed to be prey. Tell him about how I saved Claire here.”
 

Claire scoffed. “You didn’t save me.”
 

“How I’ve resisted biting Claire today, despite all the chances she’s given me,” Reginald clarified.
 

“Yeah,” Claire said to the angel, seeming to realize that impressing the man on the altar was important.

“And he’s a good gymnast,” Victoria added helpfully.
 

“Tell me,” Reginald said to the angel, hopping off of his rock tower and back onto his feet. “What would you have wanted of us?”

“We have given you your answers already,” said Balestro.
 

“I see. So… development. Evolution. Not just numbers, but the ability to adapt, change and grow. Right?”

Balestro looked uncertain for a moment. “Yes. But it is too late. You have stagnated. You are a failed experiment.”
 

“That’s so hurtful,” said Reginald. He pouted. “Look around. We’re
quite
evolved. All three of us. Hell, Nikki opted to become one of us just two weeks before you were due to kill us all. If that’s not a statement of belief in the future of the species, I don’t know what is.”
 

“You’re three,” said Balestro, “out of seventy thousand.”
 

“
Fourteen thousand
and three,” said a voice behind them. It was Karl, and with him were the twelve members of the European Vampire Council. Karl’s hair was done up high and extravagant, dyed white, surely a conscious homage to Gary Oldman’s portrayal of Count Dracula.
 

Balestro looked furious.
 

“Technically thirteen only today,” Karl said, “but we number over fourteen thousand in the EU. We speak for them. East will come along. So maybe you kill just the American vampires. They started
Twilight
.”

“Karl!”
Maurice hissed.
 

“Okay, fine,” he said. “You kill nobody.”
 

Reginald saw Balestro’s eyes flash red. The old body in front of them was just a skin, and behind it was the power of Heaven, or Hell, or both. Reginald felt sure that if any of them were to attack the body, Balestro could become a pillar of fire able to lay waste to the Earth.
 

“Promising change does not change the game,” said Balestro. “Promising change does not guarantee change. It does not alter the losing position of your pieces.”
 

Karl wrapped his arms around his torso and said, “Why is it so damned cold up here?”
 

“You gave us thirty days,” said Reginald. “That’s not enough time. It’s only enough time to decide. To persuade. And we’re persuaded and can persuade more. Now we know what you want and you’ve shown what you can do. Let us,
en masse
, convince the rest. Give us time to do what you want of us.”

“It’s too late.”
 

“You choose to forfeit? You choose to willingly give up, now, when you have the promise of fourteen thousand people?”
 

“
Promises
,” said Balestro. He said it like it was an obscenity.
 

“And you’re just one. We’ve given you new information. There are six of you. You can make this decision by yourself, isolated in human form?”
 

“Go ahead,” said Karl. “Take a thousand years to decide. And if you have to kill the American vampires, is okay.”
 

“Karl!”
Maurice hissed.
 

Karl shrugged. “I’m just saying, I’m okay for compromise if needed.”
 

Balestro appeared indecisive. It was Reginald’s mention of the other angels that had done it. According to lore, the Six always made decisions in joint, and Reginald and Karl had added to the equation. He’d no longer be carrying out a decided-upon directive if he laid waste to the vampires of the world without returning to the anteroom first. He’d be making a unilateral decision to ignore new information.
 

“No,” said Balestro. “We are no longer willing to support you, and you are unworthy to represent us.”
 

He raised his hands. Reginald could feel a charge run through the air. The hair on the back of his neck, on his arms, even on his head began to stand up. He looked to Nikki and Maurice. They’d felt it too.
 

A breeze began to stir, and a fire began to swirl on the horizon to the east. Then to the north. Then to the west. And then they watched as they were surrounded by a ring of fire. But it wasn’t fire at all. It was some kind of energy. Altus, Claire, and Victoria couldn’t see it. Reginald could tell that much by looking at them. The fire was only for vampire eyes. He wondered if every vampire in the world was seeing it. He wondered if every vampire in the world could, right now, hear the angel’s voice in their heads, as he could, as Balestro began counting down in their minds.

Ten. Nine.

“Okay,” said Reginald. “Then I’d like to introduce you to Claire.” And Reginald put a hand on Claire’s shoulder.