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“Would you have?” My eyes were still closed.

“Not a chance.”

“Well, then.” What else could I say to that?

“Claire, look at me.”

The pads of his fingertips were warm on my jaw and he tilted my face up and my eyelashes fluttered—eyes opening against my better judgment.

“Was that so hard?” His voice was gentle.

“Yes.” My stupid lip quivered.

“I’m sorry.”

That wasn’t what I expected. “For what?”

“For earlier. I shouldn’t have said that to you. Can you forgive me and we’ll forget about it and move on?”

This was what I thought I wanted, but it couldn’t be that easy. Not for me, anyway. I’d pick it to death forever unless there was some real resolution. “It wasn’t what you said. It was that it was Finn saying it and not you.”

“Finn is me.”

“Is he? Because all this time, I thought Kieran was someone else. I thought Finn was a character you made up, and you get to play at being him.”

His shoulders sagged. “That’s because I wanted you to think I’m a better man than I am.”

I was torn. His words cut me, but they pissed me off too. I was pissed for him, pissed that he’d lied to me…only, those moments of quiet that were just us, that afternoon I’d spent in his arms, that wasn’t a lie. That was real.

“You just broke my heart,” I whispered. “You made me think that our friendship was special. That it was something different.”

“So did you. How do you think it felt to realize that you weren’t just watching the show, but me.
Me!
” he snarled. “And then you left with Brant anyway.”

“You wanted me to!” He’d set me up with him, for fuck’s sake.

“No, Claire. That changed everything.”

“What did?” I didn’t understand.

“The way you watched me.” He pushed his hand through his hair. “I always thought I was more to you than pretty meat. That’s all this is.” He pointed down at his body. “It’s just meat. It doesn’t matter. We were more.”

“And less.”

“And less,” he repeated quietly.

“It was just a dance.”

“But it gave me hope that you finally saw something more in me. It killed me that you saw me like everyone else, but it meant maybe things would go to the next level.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that’s what you wanted?” I cried.

“Because I figured if you wanted me, you’d say so.”

“That’s what I thought about you.”

“I don’t think you realize how everyone else sees you, Claire. You’re like this force of nature. You don’t ever scale a mountain in your path, you barrel through it and no one is going to stop you.”

I laughed. “I thought out of everyone, you’d see through my hype. That’s all it is. I’m faking it until I make it, Kieran. I’d never in a million years think a guy like you could want anything from me but friendship.”

“We’re a fekking pair, aren’t we?”

“Can this be fixed?” I asked.

“Call Brant and tell him you’re not hungry and that he should take April home.” His eyes were dark and full of promise.

In that second, if I said yes, I could have him. I could have Kieran Holt. But at Brant’s expense. I couldn’t hurt him like that.

“I can’t do that.”

“Can’t? You mean you won’t.” His words were practically a growl.

“No, Kieran. I won’t. I won’t call someone I made plans with, someone who is currently buying all of us steak dinners, and tell him that he just spent a hundred dollars for no reason so you can get your dick wet.”

“Is that all you think of me?”

I sighed. “No. Of course not. It’s just, we haven’t hashed anything out. All we did was acknowledge that we’re attracted to each other. And you’re seeing April now. Whether or not that’s what you intended. You said you were coming home alone tonight.” I didn’t mean for it to sound like a reprimand, but it did.

“This isn’t tonight, is it?” he answered.

“That’s what I mean. You’d never be content with just one woman.”

“You like fucking Brant,” he shot back.

“Of course I do. Jesus, what’s not to like? He tells me I’m beautiful, tells me I can have anything in the world that I want, and then proceeds to give it to me. And only me.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Really?” I growled. “Did you just say that to me? You’re the one who set me up with him. If he was a douche, why would you do that? Or are you just sowing conflict where there was none?”

He grabbed my shoulders. “I just don’t understand why, after two dates, you’d be so quick to trust him.” He looked away and down at his feet. “And me, after five years, you don’t.”

“In all the time I’ve known you, you’ve never had a committed relationship.”

“Yes, I have. With you.”

I hated that his words made me warm. They shouldn’t have. “So then what was that conga line of women through your room?”

“They meant nothing to me.”

“So why would give your body to someone who meant nothing to you?”

“You don’t understand.”

“No, Kieran. I don’t.” I shook my head.

“This is it then? You’re picking Brant?”

Fear knifed me. I wasn’t ready for the possibility of us to be over. I’d only just realized it was something that could happen. “I’m not picking anyone. Brant and I—” I didn’t know what we were and I didn’t know how to define it to Kieran. “—I’m not going to treat him badly, Kieran. Not even for you.”

“What
would
you do for me?” he demanded. “I offered to stop seeing April.”

“But I didn’t ask you to and I’d never ask you to be shitty to her.”

“Maybe you should. Don’t you want to know how far I’ll go for you? You said Brant offered you the world. What was his quest?” I couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or not.

I bit my lip and the sound of my heartbeat thundered in my ears like crashing waves. “You.”

“I’m not sure I understand.” He cocked his head to the side.

Jesus, but he was beautiful. I couldn’t believe I was standing here, having this conversation with him. The hard line of his jaw, the sullen, bad boy set to his mouth, the way his hair swept over his forehead as if it too had something to rebel against.

“He said that the three of us had chemistry together,” I blurted. I hoped he understood the implication, I wasn’t ready to say it out loud.

He blinked owlishly. “Seriously?”

Kieran seemed surprised. “Yeah.”

“Is that what you want?”

“I don’t know what I want. I mean… there’s you.” I shrugged.

“Yeah, me. I’m nothing special, lass.”

“Have you looked at yourself?”

“Every day.” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “So what’s supposed to happen here? Did he leave so we could get started? This isn’t a porno.”

I giggled, but it wasn’t really funny. “No. He told me to sort my shit and I’m trying.”

“Is it sorted then?”

“I don’t think so.”

“I love you, Claire.”

If anything he’d said before hit me hard, this was a fucking freight train. He loved me, but was he
in love
with me?

“I love you, too.”

“Then how is Brant even part of the equation?”

“Because I’m afraid.”

He cupped my jaw. “Of what, me?”

No, of me. Of my own failure. Of my own faults. He was just too everything. He was too beautiful, too perfect. He was like the sun and he’d burn me if I got too close, or even stared too long. “You can have any woman you want. So could Brant.” I exhaled, and before I could rethink my word choice, I said, “I’ve got a pretty face, but—”

“But nothing.” He yanked me against him hard. “Do you feel that?”

Oh, I did. I felt his arousal pressed against me and I almost didn’t believe it. “Yes.”

“Who do you think that’s for?”

This was everything I wanted, so why was I holding back? Brant knew I wanted Kieran. I’d told him. I’d told him I didn’t want anything serious as well. So what stopped me?

“I still don’t believe it’s real.”

“You’re happy enough with Brant.”

“I guess because he’s not perfect. Like me. We’re not “traditionally attractive” as some people like to say.”

“Who the fuck says that? There are all sorts of women all over Brant and you’ve always got men looking at you. Maybe you’re not a size two, but who says you have to be?”

I had a prepared rant about societal expectations, advertising, fat-shaming… but it wasn’t any of those things. It was me. I didn’t actually believe I was beautiful. Not deep down.

“Me.” I hated how small and sad I sounded. So pathetic.

His mouth slammed into mine—it was like guerrilla kissing. But it was absolutely everything I’d dreamed it could be.

He made me feel tiny, delicate, and treasured. His mouth was so hard and commanded the kiss like some kind of general. My arms twined around his neck and I couldn’t help thinking he tasted of sweet mint.

And I remembered April carried these super sweet mints her purse. She liked to use them after giving oral.

I broke the kiss and jerked away from him.

“What the hell, Claire?” He looked stunned, his voice was ragged.

“I can’t, I just can’t.”

I fled to my room and slammed the door. I curled up in the middle of my bed waiting for the knock that never came.

CHAPTER TEN

“Claire, it’s me.” Brant said through the door some time later.

“Come in.”

He had two plastic containers from Roadhouse.

“What happened? I thought you were going to talk to him?”

“Is he here?”

“No, he’s gone. April called a cab.” He shrugged. “I offered to take her home, but she was really upset and wouldn’t even wait inside.”

“I should go talk to her.” I wrapped my arms even more tightly around my knees. I didn’t want to talk to her. For a little bit, I just wanted something to be about me.

“That’s probably the last thing you should do. Because like I said, everyone saw what was between you and Kieran today. Including April.”

I sighed. “Why did he do this?”

“Do you want the honest answer or the answer that will make you feel better?”

I pursed my lips. “Honestly? Neither.”

“What about your steak? You want that?” He pushed it at me on the bed.

“Yes, yes I do.”

“I have to leave in a little while. I need to hit the gym and get ready for work. Are you going to be okay?”

“You are unbelievable. Really. Where is your shining armor? Because I swear you have it.”

“It’s not shining. It’s red. It’s the armor and the noble steed.” He brushed his lips against mine—his kiss so different from Kieran’s. “Don’t change the subject. Are you okay? If you don’t want to talk about what happened, that’s fine, but I need to know that you’re good.”

I nodded. “I’m good. And so are you, much too good to me.”

“You’ve said that before. Don’t you think you deserve to be treated well?”

“There’s treating me well and then there’s you.” I laughed.

“And when it’s time to choose, I hope you remember that.”

If anyone else had said that to me, I’d have felt pressure. Like he was only being nice to me to get something out of me, but I already knew Brant wasn’t that kind of person and it made me feel like an asshole that I couldn’t just forget about Kieran.

But things like this didn’t happen to girls like me.

It was rare to have one man interested, let alone two.

As soon as I had that thought, I wanted to rip it out of my head. How dare I think so lowly of myself? As if all that defined my value as a person was if someone wanted to fuck me?

I was just as bad as everyone else. No, I was worse. Because I put on this face, but it was a lie.

And I was going to hurt someone who didn’t deserve it.

If Kieran and I were meant to be, it would have happened a long time before now. I needed to put him out of my head.

“Will you come by after work tonight?” I asked Brant.

“You know, there’s not much to go do when I get off work.” He teased.

“I don’t want to go out. I want to stay in. All night.”

“Oh really?” His grin was adorable and just a little panty-melting. I don’t know why I’d never noticed that all the times before he’d asked me out.

“Yeah, really.” I grabbed his shirt and pulled him toward me for another kiss.

This was good. Brant was good. If I could just stop being a silly bitch, I could be happy.

“Are you sure?”

“Let me show you how sure.” My hands went to the waist of his jeans.

“Your steak is going to be cold.”

“It’ll still be good. After.” I sank to my knees on the carpet and tugged his jeans down to his knees.

He’d gone commando.

Brant’s eyes were dark, glittering with desire and his cock was hard enough to drive nails. I wanted him inside me, but this wasn’t about me. It was about him. I wanted to make him feel all the things he’d done for me. I wanted to give him pleasure with no expectation of anything in return—ecstasy just for the sake of itself.

He allowed me to do as I wished with him, his eyes on my every move, but he kept his palms flat on the bed.

When I’d taken him into my mouth, he whispered a trespass. “What would you do right now if Kieran was here?”

I pulled back from my work. “This isn’t for Kieran. It’s for you. And he’s not here. Let’s not talk about this anymore.”

“What if I told you he was watching us?”

“What if you’re just being perverse?” I tossed back.

“What if I am?”

I sighed. “What’s this about? Do
you
want to fuck him?” I was trying not to think about Kieran, I wanted to be here with Brant and only Brant.

“Maybe I do.” His expression was intense. “Maybe I have.”

I clenched my thighs together thinking about it. He said the dirtiest things. “Then maybe you should leave me out of it.”

“That’s the thing, Claire. You need to be honest with yourself about what you want. And you don’t want to be left out of it.” He pushed his fingers through my hair and pulled me back down to his erection. “You want to be doing this right now and have Kieran taking you from behind.”

“What kind of game are you playing?” Why did this have to be so complicated? This made me so hot and I did want it, but this was for the woman I pretended to be, not the woman I really was.

And it would be naïve of me not to think of the fallout. It would feel good until after, until we had to examine our emotions.

“The one where everyone wins. Strip for me,” he commanded in a stern voice.

Honestly, I’d rather just give him the BJ fully clothed. “I don’t—”

“I want to see you. If you don’t trust me to look at you, how can you trust me to fuck you? You’re beautiful. Show me.” His tone was gentler now.

I’d decided I wanted to do this for him. I wanted to please him, and this was what he’d asked of me. He wanted me to strip for him.

And for some reason, I wanted to cry.

No, not some reason. A million reasons. All the sniping little comments that played in my head on repeat. I didn’t want to be bare in front of him, my body exposed—all of my fat out there for him to see.

It was stupid. It wasn’t like there was anything there that wasn’t in the dark. I knew that. He’d seen me naked before. His dick was still hard. He still wanted me.

But I didn’t want myself.

So I didn’t understand how he could want me.

“You let me finger you until you came on a public boat tour, but you won’t strip for me in your room where no one but me can see you?”

“I… can’t.” I almost choked on the words. I guess the fallout had already started. I couldn’t stop thinking long enough to feel.

He pulled me to my feet, slid his hands up my thighs and up my shirt to cup my breasts and then back down to my waist where he undid the snap on my jeans.

“Take it off for me, baby.” Brant tugged them down my legs and I stepped out of them.

When his hands were on me, it was different somehow. When he was taking my clothes off, it was okay. But if I had to do it, I felt like an ugly bug under a microscope. He unsnapped my bra with a quick motion.

“You’re so beautiful. Won’t you let me look at you?”

It might have been the pleading in his voice, I don’t know. But I took off my shirt and shrugged my bra to the floor. I wanted to close my eyes so I couldn’t see him looking at me.

I didn’t have to acknowledge my own flesh.

He drew my hand down to his cock. “Feel what you do to me. How much I want you.”

I sank to my knees again, both to taste him and to hide.

He traced his thumb over my cheek and it was somehow more intimate than all the rest of it.

Something warm surged in my chest—I didn’t want to name it. It was too much, too soon.

His attention was suddenly on the door, and the shadow filling the space between the door and frame where it had drifted open.

My gaze followed his in this awful slow motion that reminded me of horror films where the audience screamed at the screen. I didn’t need any sort of confirmation to know that it was Kieran. Shame burned my face and my eyes watered. I wondered what he’d seen. What he’d heard.

How long had he been standing there?

I was frozen in place, bile rising in my throat.

“Do you want him to come in?” Brant asked softly.

“Please don’t toy with me.” That’s all this could be, some kind of fucked up bet. Something for them to laugh about later. Only, I knew Keiran wouldn’t do that to me, and Brant had been so kind, so…perfect.

“Look at me.”

I raised my chin to look into his eyes and I didn’t need him to say anything else. I could see his sincerity, his lust.

So I nodded. God help me, I nodded.

The door creaked open wider and I couldn’t look at him, couldn’t face Kieran. This still wasn’t real to me. Not even when another set of hands stroked down my spine and grabbed my hips.

Not even when they worked between my legs.

I focused on Brant, on taking him higher. I couldn’t think about Kieran, that it was his hands touching me, pushing inside of me. That he was here, with us. But Brant wouldn’t let me get away with that.

He stopped me and lifted my chin. I knew what he wanted me to do without him saying a word. He wanted me to turn, acknowledge Kieran. Touch him. Let him touch me.

He wanted to watch us.

It seemed a little twisted—not that he wanted to watch me with another man, but that it was a man I had feelings for. A man he knew I was in love with.

I turned to face Kieran, and seeing him drove this all home for me. This was actually happening.

This wasn’t anything like how I’d imagined being with Kieran. There was no drunken revelry that had brought us here, no accidental touching, or unintended intimacies. There hadn’t even been some friendly cuddling that had morphed into a passionate makeout session.

He was here to fuck me. Not to love me, not to solidify any bond—it was pure fucking. He didn’t wait for me to peel his clothes off, he was already naked. Only I didn’t know if he was Kieran or Finn McCool.

In the moment, I didn’t care.

I could have him.

I swallowed hard and reached out to push that lock of hair away from his forehead. His lashes fluttered down as his eyes closed and he leaned into the caress. But it was like that shattered some wall because when his eyes opened, he jerked me against him hard and kissed me like it was my punishment rather than my reward.

He was so big everywhere. His hands, his shoulders, the sheer breadth of him. Kieran made me feel small, delicate.

He still tasted of sweet mints, but I didn’t care. He wasn’t with April, he was here with me. It was my body he touched, my thigh his erection was pressed against. Me. He wanted me.

Elation soared on wax wings, but I couldn’t let myself think anymore. If I did, in two minutes, I’d run from the room embarrassed and ashamed. Ashamed at what I wanted, ashamed knowing they’d both seen me naked when I didn’t even want to see myself naked… so much bullshit wrapped up in a ragged little ribbon.

I wanted to be done with that.

I wanted to be this version of me. The version that took people at their word, the version that thought she deserved to be treated well, that found beauty in her own body and could believe that others did too.

He picked me up easily and perched me on the bed and that’s when Brant took over. I could tell that they had done this with other women before. I thought that would make me jealous, but it didn’t. I liked that it wasn’t awkward, or—I’d always imagined that in a threesome that choreography would be difficult. It’d be like blocking a play or shooting a porno. Not that I’d ever done a porno—obviously.

Brant shifted me to his lap into a position like reverse cowgirl, only his thighs were spread wide. I thought for a moment I’d fall, but Kieran took my hands so I could balance myself against his shoulders.

I shifted against Brant and the burn inside me flared—I rolled my hips until he was inside me. Brant’s hands were on my breasts, Kieran’s on my hips. He moved me, guided me, then he kissed me again.

“How many times can we make you come, Claire?” Kieran whispered against my mouth and moved his fingers to my clit, all the while, Brant was still thrusting up into me.

“Try and find out.” I couldn’t believe that was me. I sounded like some sex goddess. In all honesty, this all still seemed so unreal.

“I think that’s a challenge,” Brant said. He picked me up as easily as Kieran had and moved me until I was flat on my back and he loomed over me. Kieran pulled me close to the edge of the bed and hooked my legs over his shoulders.

“Aye, it is.” His accent was thick now and I shivered. “So it does work on you, lass? Want to see what else I can do with my tongue?” He dipped his head.

The logical part of my brain assumed I was dead and this was heaven and it was the dreamer that told me this could happen to me. This was my life. I was done being a passive ghost in my own fantasy.

“Straddle me,” I demanded from Brant.

He obliged, his powerful thighs caging me and I took his cock in my mouth, determined now more than ever to give him the pleasure he’d given me.