Farewell to Lancashire (38 page)

‘I’ll go and see Cassandra tomorrow,’ she said. ‘We must offer her shelter. I can’t see any other solution. No one’s going to have employment for four of them.’

‘I know how you like and respect her, and I’m happy to offer her shelter,’ he said at once.

‘She’s a very intelligent young woman. You don’t meet many of her calibre. She’d make him a good wife. Why did he walk away from her, spurn her like that?’

He frowned. ‘It’s a lot to take on. Has it occurred to you that if she comes to us, she’ll be seeing Reece every day? That may be the last thing she wants.’

‘She may not have any choice but to come to us. She and her sisters know no one else here. And he may change his mind about her.’

‘I don’t think I could accept another man’s child, especially one conceived in that way.’

Reece strode through the streets without thinking where he was going, rage burning hotly within him. How could anyone have done such a thing to Cassandra? And what cruel fate would leave her with a child?

If he married her, he’d be taking on the child of a brutal abuser of women. He didn’t think he could bear to do that.

When he found himself by the river, he stopped walking and sat down on a piece of rising ground, staring at the water as he tried to think through what had happened.

I let her down
, he thought, as his fury began to subside.
I just walked away and let her down. What must she be thinking of me?

It was the shock, he supposed. He wasn’t proud of himself. He’d go back and apologise, tell her ... what would he tell her? That he didn’t want the child, but he still wanted her?

Would she give the child away? Of course not. He’d seen her smile at little children in the street, chat to neighbours’ children, slip food to that unhappy looking boy who lived nearby. She had been a mother to her own sisters, and a good one, too. No, Cassandra would never abandon or give away her own child, however it had been begotten.

Could he take the child, raise it as his own?

He didn’t know. Only ... if he didn’t, he’d not have Cassandra.

He put his head in his hands and groaned.

‘You all right, son?’

He looked up to see a ragged old man standing beside him. ‘Just had some bad news.’

‘Ah. Sorry, mate.’

The fellow looked so thin and hungry, Reece took out sixpence and gave it to him. ‘Get yourself a decent meal.’

‘Thanks. Much obliged.’

Reece watched the old man walk stiffly back towards the town and wondered whether he would spend the money on a meal or on booze. What did it matter? He didn’t usually give to beggars, but the old fellow had stopped to make sure he was all right and he’d appreciated that.

Sometimes you could feel very alone.

How alone was Cassandra feeling now?

He began to walk slowly along the water’s edge till he came to a garden fence blocking the way. Turning, he walked back.

Nearby he saw a young couple walking along, not touching but still so close and loving as they talked and smiled and gesticulated that it was a pleasure to watch them.

The baby hadn’t asked to be born, had it?

He shouldn’t have run away like that. He’d let Cassandra down badly ... and hurt her. She’d been crying.

He wanted to cry now, sob his heart out. Why were men not allowed to weep?

He’d been longing to see her for months, regretting leaving her, wishing he’d stayed with her. And when she’d come to him, he’d walked away and left her.

Was he going to throw all his hopes and plans away because of what had happened?

A bird landed nearby, pecking at some debris. A warm breeze wafted around him. A boat went past far out on the water.

But could he do it? Could he take on the child?

He straightened up. He’d have to. He’d not get Cassandra if he didn’t.

He shouldn’t have left her like that.

He needed more time to calm down, though, before he faced her, so continued walking aimlessly, not really noticing his surroundings until he realised with a jolt of surprise that it was getting dark.

He went back to the Home, but was refused admittance because of the late hour and couldn’t persuade them to relax the rules.

In the end he went back to the hotel and lay on his bunk, not hungry, just desperately sad.

When someone came into the sleeping quarters, he didn’t look up until Francis said, ‘Are you all right?’

It was dark and Reece was glad of that. ‘No. Not really. I – had a shock this afternoon.’

‘I know. Her sisters told my wife. Bad luck, that. She’d have made you a perfect wife.’

Reece jerked to his feet. ‘
Would have made a perfect wife?
She
is
going to be my wife.’

‘You’re still going to marry her?’

‘Of course I am.’

‘Very noble of you.’

‘Not noble. Selfish. I want her.’

‘High price to pay, though. Still, perhaps she’ll lose the child.’

Reece stood motionless as these words sank in. They were no doubt meant to be comforting, but instead they brought back memories of how he’d felt when his wife and baby had died. ‘I hope she doesn’t. I’ve lost a baby myself and it tears you apart. And what harm has that baby done anyone?’

‘Livia thought you’d say that.’

Reece closed his eyes for a moment, trying to pull himself together.

He heard the door closing and realised he was alone again, alone with his thoughts and his memories – and an even firmer determination to go back the following day and ask Cassandra to marry him, child and all.

He’d lost one child. Now another had been given to him.

He’d get up early and leave a note for his employers. If they chose to get angry about him absenting himself again, let them. His whole future was at stake.

When she heard her sisters come back to their sleeping area, Cassandra tried to stop weeping but couldn’t. Pandora sat down on the narrow bed to comfort her and after a while she managed to stop. This was the last time she’d allow herself to weep. It changed nothing.

‘I’m all right.’

‘Of course you’re not,’ Pandora said.

‘I’ve cried it all out. Now I must make plans for the future.’

‘I’m disappointed in Reece. I thought he’d have stuck by you.’

‘It’s a lot to ask of a man.’ She hesitated then added quietly, ‘I realised on the ship that it was too much to ask anyone to do, taking on such a baby. But I’m not giving up my child. I thought about what Dad would say and I knew—’ Her voice broke for a moment or two, but she pulled herself together and continued. ‘I knew he’d say it wasn’t the child’s fault and every child needs loving. I can’t take the risk that a man might make such a child feel – different, unloved. Like Timmy. I dare not marry Reece, whatever he says.’

‘Oh, Cassandra.’

She saw the twins sitting on the next bed. Xanthe’s eyes were brimming with tears and Maia was crying openly. ‘I’ll be all right. I’ll feel much better once I have my money back. I have to look for work.’

‘Mrs Southerham has offered me a job,’ Pandora said. ‘She says you can come too and earn your keep, but she can’t afford to pay you wages.’

‘Then why did she give me the money in England?’

‘She must have thought your need was greater than hers, or that they’d get more from Mr Southerham’s family than they did.’

‘It’s kind of her, but I can’t go to their place! Reece will be there.’

‘Then I’ll tell her we can’t take up the offer and we’ll try to find another job where we can be together,’ Pandora said. ‘If we can’t all find work near one another, the twins can stick together and so will you and I. We three have already decided that and you won’t change our minds.’

Cassandra smiled at them. What would she do without her family? ‘Thank you.’

One of the other single females came into the bedroom. ‘I’ve got a job!’ she said cheerfully and began to pack her things. ‘It’s in a lady’s house, working as a general maid. I don’t mind what I do as long as I get plenty to eat. She seemed very nice and Matron says she knows the family, so it’s safe to go with her. Oh, and tea’s being served, so you’d better go and get some food.’

‘I’m not hungry,’ Cassandra said.

Her sisters were insistent that she couldn’t go without her tea so in the end it was easier to go with them and nibble a little food. She was sure her eyes were red, and people were staring at her, so looked mainly at her plate. She couldn’t have said what she was eating. It seemed tasteless, but eating it satisfied her sisters, stopped them bullying her.

She didn’t sleep very well, didn’t expect to. Night was the best time for thinking and she had a lot to think about.

The following morning, Matron came across the dining room to Cassandra. ‘Mrs Southerham has vouched for you, Mrs Lawson. I’ve received word that your money will be returned to you this morning.’

Cassandra closed her eyes in relief before thanking her.

‘Please eat more than that, love,’ Pandora urged after Matron had moved on to speak to another group.

She looked down at the plate she’d pushed aside, tried to eat, but simply couldn’t force any down. ‘I’m a bit unwell in the mornings.’ That stopped them nagging her, though in truth the nausea had faded to a faint queasiness now, as if her body had accepted what was happening to it.

During the day more people arrived at the Home looking for maids. Matron insisted on meeting everyone who offered employment to check that they were respectable.

Reece was one of the first through the gate and Cassandra almost begged Matron to let her hide from him. Then she stiffened her spine. She’d never thought herself a coward before.

He looked solemn and his eyes had dark circles beneath them, as if he hadn’t slept properly. Well, neither had she.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said simply.

‘Oh? What for?’

‘Reacting like that, treating you so badly.’

He tried to take hold of her hand but she wouldn’t let him.

‘It was the shock, you see. I had to go away and think it through. No use offering you false coin. I had to know what I wanted.’

‘It doesn’t matter. I wish you well, Reece, and since I’m not without money, you don’t have to worry about me. I shall be perfectly all right.’

‘That’s not what I meant. Cassandra, I still want to marry you.’

‘No.’

‘I’ve grown used to the idea of the baby. I’ll make it mine too. You’ll see.’

She looked at him then, feeling desperately sad. He thought he could do it, but she didn’t. His reaction yesterday proved it. ‘I’d already decided that it would be too much to ask of any man.’

‘It isn’t. I still love you, want you.’

‘Reece, a child created in that way ... you’d be bound to wonder what its father was like, to treat it differently from ... your own. And children know, believe me they know how people really feel about them.’

‘Cassandra, I—’

She stood up. ‘I’ve never been as certain of anything as I am of this. For the child’s sake, I’m not marrying you and no one can make me!’ She saw him stretch out a hand towards her, open his mouth to speak, and ran away before she could burst into tears again.

She knew she had made the right decision, but turning him down was the hardest thing she’d ever done in her whole life, and the most painful.

Matron intercepted the visitor as he tried to follow the fleeing woman into the Home. ‘I told you yesterday that you’re not allowed in there, sir.’

‘I need to see her, persuade her ...’

‘Cassandra came to see me this morning and told me she doesn’t want to marry you. Apparently you knew each other before she married Mr Lawson, but she’s still grieving for her husband. Look, Mr Gregory, it’s far too soon for her to think of remarrying. Especially with a child on the way.’

He looked at her, tempted to tell her the truth. But he’d already worked out that it’d hurt both Cassandra and the child to make the facts known. People could be merciless about bastards, so he said only, ‘I’m not leaving it at that. She needs me.’

‘Wait till she’s had the child. She’ll be thinking more clearly then, be over the loss of her husband. Believe me, I know what I’m talking about.’

She watched him go, as she watched all of those who stayed at the Home or visited it. That was her job, after all.

A clerk from the Governor’s office brought the purse back two hours later. Matron summoned Cassandra and made her count the money in it before she signed the piece of paper to say she’d received it, then checked that she had somewhere safe to keep it.

‘I’ve made a special belt for the coins, to wear under my clothing.’

‘Good. Some of the people here are unfortunately the sort who are easily tempted into wrongdoing. I’ve been told what went on during the voyage.’

Later that day, the Barretts came in, looking for a maid. Mrs Barrett nudged her husband and pointed to Cassandra, but he scowled and shook his head vigorously.