Authors: Phil Callaway
Family Squeeze (19 page)
“I regret being so involved in committees at our church that I may have shown my kids I loved the committees more
than them. I wonder if that’s partly why they don’t attend church now.”
“That I didn’t learn of Jesus Christ sooner.”
I must be honest and admit that I have a few regrets too. Let me put them this way.
If I could raise my kids again I wouldn’t be so uptight this time.
I’d let them jump on beds in hotels.
And pick the cat up by the tail.
That way they’d figure out a little sooner
How life works.
If I could raise my kids again I’d be a little goofier this time.
I’d stand on the chair in our kitchen,
And play the harmonica with my nose.
I’d play more jokes on them too.
Ones that involve expired milk.
If I could raise my kids again I’d ask more questions and listen to the answers.
I’d teach them to give by giving, to love by loving.
They’d see me on my knees
Praying more often.
Not just looking for the remote control.
If I could raise my kids again I’d play hooky from work sometimes.
I wouldn’t sign up for the rat race.
I’d enjoy things without owning them.I’d buy a bigger library.
And a smaller television.
If I could raise my kids again I’d relax a little more.
I’d cut spankings by about 50 percent.
In number. In length. In enthusiasm.
I’d place more importance on good character than good grades.
I’d prepare them for life by letting them argue.
By letting them fail.
As it is, I’m glad I talked to them early about God.
About money.
About sex.
I’m glad I spent way too much money on vacations,
Necked in the living room with their mother,
And took them to church.
But if I could raise my kids again, I think I’d be better at it this time.
I wouldn’t care so much about clean walls or clean feet.
I wouldn’t celebrate nice grass, I’d celebrate grass stains.
I’d tuck my children into bed each night
Without checking my watch.
The doctor tells me that it’s not about to happen.
That I’m halfway to ninety.
That we won’t be having children anytime soon.
So I guess I’ll get to practice these things
On my grandchildren.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when
I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more
.
W
ALTER
M
ATTHAU
You have to live every day as if it’s your last,
because one of these days, you’re bound to be right
.
B
REAKER
M
ORANT
T
here are times after I spend an evening in the nursing home when I get thinking to myself:
I don’t want to get old. For one thing, if I stay in peak physical condition, I will be a drain on the medical system
. And so I have uncovered three ways to ensure that none of us ripens to an old age. I trust these will be of help to you.
1. Change your diet and exercise habits. I exercised for the last time today. Retired my sneakers. My dumbbells. My pass to the exercise room. The resolve began when an acquaintance of mine dropped dead of a heart attack yesterday. I did not know him well, but when I thought of the last time I saw him alive, how he was waddling toward the Twinkies in the supermarket, it hit me like a runaway grocery cart:
die eating
.
One of the things I love about the Bible is that it’s full of food. You can hardly read a chapter where someone isn’t eating or drinking or celebrating or chewing on some fruit.
And so tonight we will order out for pizza. And Chinese food. Right after the Meals on Wheels people leave.
Tomorrow I start the new exercise program. Beating around the bush. Jumping to conclusions. Dragging my heels. Pushing my luck. Building mountains out of molehills.
Besides, if God had wanted us to lift weights, He’d have made our arms heavier. And if you’re worried about your looks, there’s no need to. Sure, you may develop flabby thighs, but your stomach will cover them.
2. Have more children. Children are messy, and they won’t let you sleep a wink. Having children is like installing a NASCAR track in your head. It’s noisy. Besides, the average male child costs roughly $3.4 million (that’s in Legos alone) by the time he is eight, and you can double that if you have a darling little girl who steals your heart. Oh sure, they start out cuddly and they giggle, but don’t be fooled. They are here with one thing in mind: getting you off the planet.
Grownups have always been suspicious of children. I realized this when I was very small and could tell that they were trying to get rid of me. They told us smoking was bad for us, knowing that if they said this we’d try it out and maybe get hooked for life—or death. They covered my crib with lead-based paints. There were no childproof lids on the aspirin bottle, no seat belts, air bags, or guardrails. They encouraged us to ride in the back of pickups or build our own go-carts and parachutes. We ate worms and mud pies. We played with BB guns and smashed rocks with a hammer and no goggles. They never offered us bike helmets or bottled water, and they introduced us to things like monkey bars.
I was just a wee little kid when grownups encouraged me to play ice hockey. They strapped blades on my feet, handed me a sharp stick and something called a puck. They pushed me out on the ice, then stood behind plywood sheets and wire mesh to see what happened. When we started having too much fun, they’d yell, “Kill him! Kill him!” I knew what they wanted. They wanted me dead. They knew I was a threat to a long and peaceful life.
So have more children. It’s not too late. If you’re a little older, think of Sarah and Abraham. Or of Satyabhama Mahapatra of India, a sixty-five-year-old retired schoolteacher who recently gave birth to a baby boy to become the world’s oldest mother. Satyabhama and her husband have been married fifty years, but this is their first child.
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3. Travel to exotic places. I recommend a honeymoon in Iraq or cycling from Beirut to Jerusalem. Pack light. Carry explosives.
Okay, I’ve been joking and hoping all the while that you wouldn’t write me a letter before you reach the conclusion. The truth is, I’ve needed to laugh lately.
My father’s mind and body are worsening fast, and when I visit, he asks me to read the psalms to him. As I do, one word keeps surfacing:
remember
. Depressed and lonely, David finds comfort in remembering:
God’s faithfulness
God’s goodness
God’s mercy
God’s justice
God’s miracles
God’s compassion
God’s blessing
God’s leading