FallingforSharde_MLU (12 page)

“Nothing.”

“Sharde?”

She shrugged. “Nothing I can’t handle.”

“And that would be?”

“I’m resigning from Calder Tech on Monday.”

“Why?”

She shrugged again. “Personal reasons.”

“Have you talked this over with Jefferson?”

“He’s the last person I can discuss this with.”

Dianne gave her arm a brief squeeze. “If you need to talk...”

“I’m fine. Really. Don’t worry. I have everything worked out in my mind. This is something I should have done a few years ago.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Yes. I’ve decided to take a few weeks off before I look for another job. In the meantime, I want to do something useful and not just sit around feeling sorry for myself.”

“It’s Jefferson, isn’t it?”

“What do you mean?” She had never discussed her feelings for Jefferson with Dianne.

“I know you have feelings for him. I saw it every time the two of you came here to volunteer. What’s happened between you two?”

She shook her head. “I appreciate your kindness, but I can’t talk about it. Can Icome here five times a week in about a month’s time?”

“Of course you can, Sharde, but wouldn’t it be better to try and work things out with him?”

“No. There’s nothing to work out.”

Dianne sighed. “If you change your mind and need or want to talk, I’ll be available any time of the day or night.”

“Thanks.”

Two hours later, Sharde sat over a late lunch with Darbi at a food court in a mall fifteen minutes from All Faiths.

“You don’t think resigning is too drastic, Sharde?”

She shook her head. “I can’t work with him anymore.”

“This is a bad time to leave.”

“I know. I’ll stay until the decisions on hiring new employees have been made and other administrative matters handled.”

“And after that?”

“You’ll be back from your trip and can handle things. You’re as capable of doing my job as I am. That was one of the many reasons I hired you.”

She nodded. “I think so too, but I like the travel my job entails and yours doesn’t permit. Besides, I think you’d be foolish to give up such a prestigious position, Sharde. Why not take a leave, transfer to the uptown branch, and stay with the company?”

She shook her head. “Even if I transferred, I’d still have to have a certain level of interaction with him. And that I don’t want. I need to get away from him and everything he stands for.”

“I know this is difficult for you, but Sharde, don’t you think you’re overreacting just a little? You know I understand about infidelity, but let’s just take a moment and step back from the situation. All he said was he wasn’t ready for a serious commitment. Given his recent history, surely you can understand his reluctance.”

“I do understand, but at the same time I feel as if I’ve wasted all the time I’m going to waste with him. It’s time to move on.”

“Sharde, look. We’re friends and so I’m going to give it to you straight.”

She frowned. “This sounds like something I’m not going to like.”

“Friends are straight with each other.”

“Okay. Give it to me straight then.”

“Given your remarks about another lover, I think you’re overreacting.”

Her cheeks burned. “I didn’t mean it and I know he knew that. He just wanted an excuse for hopping into bed with yet another blonde bimbo!”

“How do you know she was blonde and a bimbo?”

“I know because that’s the only kind of women he admires!”

“Look, I can see your pain, but you know he admires you.”

“It’s not his admiration I want or need. I want more than he’s prepared to give me so it’s time to move on.”

“Without giving him a chance to explain?”

“What’s to explain? He took another woman to bed the same night he and I...” She blinked rapidly to keep her tears at bay. “The same night, Darbi. There’s no explanation he can offer that will make that forgivable for me.”

Darbi sighed. “OK. If you need to talk more, I’ll be willing to listen.”

She shook her head. “Thanks, but it’s time to keep it real and move on.” She glanced at her watch. “I’d better get back to All Faiths. I told Dianne I’d cover so she could go home early.”

She spent the rest of the day and evening at the shelter. After the last meal had been served, she realized the dishwasher was broken. So she washed the dinner dishes by hand. It was nearly ten o’clock when she arrived home.

When she checked her messages, she found two from Jefferson. She erased both of his messages shortly after his hello, took a shower, got a book, and climbed into bed. The phone rang, startling her. She reached over and took it off the hook without putting it to her ear. She didn’t want to talk to anyone.

* * * * *

“So? You want to talk or do you just want to sit in a silent funk? And if it’s the latter, why the hell did you call me over here?”

Jefferson took a deep breath before he exploded from his favorite easy chair to his feet. He paced the length of his rec room, trying in vain to control his emotions.

He turned to stare at Ben, who sprawled in a matching padded leather recliner a few feet from the one he’d just vacated. Dressed in dark sweats, with his gaze trained on the large plasma TV along on wall, Ben appeared disinterested. Jefferson knew him well enough to know better.

He strolled over to the terrace doors. “How the hell am I ever going to convince her I didn’t sleep with that woman? She is never going to believe me. She’s going to blame me for something that never happened!”

“Maybe it’s for the best.”

He swung around to face Ben. “What? How the hell can it be for the best for her to think I slept with another woman the same night I made love to her?”

“Well, you were looking for a way out of the mess sleeping with her landed you in and now you have it.”

“What mess? What the fucking hell are you ranting about, Ben? My life is falling apart around me and you’re getting delusional on me? What the fuck makes you think sleeping with her was a mistake?”

“You know my motto, Jeff, don’t mix business with pleasure. How can sleeping with your second in command, for whom you have no real feelings, be anything but a mistake?”

“No real feelings? What the hell have you been smoking? You know damn well I care about her.”

Ben shrugged. “Let’s call it like it is. You two were alone, you were both feeling horny, and you surrendered to your lust. Then, womanlike, instead of recognizing you just needed no-strings-attached sex, she wants to go and imagine you give a fuck about her or her feelings on an emotional level.”

“What the fuck! I do care about her feelings! How the hell can you think this is just about sex? It was sex with Vanessa.”

“And with Sharde? What if it’s not just sex? And if it’s not just sex, why didn’t you offer her the reassurance she so clearly needed and wanted from you, Jeff? Why offer the lovely but worthless Vanessa marriage after one weekend and then tell Sharde she’s unreasonable to expect you to do the same with her?”

He stared at Ben. “Are you implying that I... what the hell are you implying?”

“I’m implying that it’s time you woke up and realized Sharde is the real deal and act accordingly. Linda and Vanessa were both harpies who were more interested in your cock size and your financial bottom line. Sharde, strange soul that she is, seems to actually care about your big ugly ass. I honestly think if you were a clerk in some corporate mailroom, she’d still be in love with you. We both know the same could not be said for either Linda or Vanessa.

“If you don’t want to lose Sharde, tell her what she needs to hear. If she wants a commitment, give her one.”

“She wants to get married and have kids.”

“And you don’t want either one of those things?”

“You know damn well I want them both.”

“Just not with her?”

“I do want them with her.”

“Then why the hell did you pick up Sally Bimbo last night?”

“It was a mistake, but I swear, nothing happened, Ben.”

He shrugged. “I believe you, but I’m not the one you have to convince. If I were you, I’d go buy several pairs of pads for your knees because you are going to be begging big time. Then, if you’re lucky, she’ll either believe you or not believe you, but decide to forgive you anyway.”

“For something I haven’t done?”

Ben laughed. “Don’t get self-righteous, Jeff. You did take her home. That’s going to be an awful big hurdle for you to overcome.”

He raked a hand through his hair. “You know she won’t talk to me.”

“She’s hurt. Give her another day or so.”

“It was her idea.”

“Jeff, it’s time you grew up and admit you don’t know jack about women.”

“And you know about women?”

Ben grinned. “Hey, I’m not the one in deep shit with the only woman I care about.”

He swallowed slowly. “I care about her more than I thought possible.”

“I know that.”

“So where did I go wrong?”

“If a woman you’ve just done tells you to go see other women
after
you’ve refused to give her the big C, do not be gullible enough to believe she means it.

“Give her another day or so and then pour your heart out to her and beg for mercy. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t actually do the other woman. The fact that you took her home is going to matter.”

“Damn, Ben, I’m screwed!”

Ben arched a brow. “Big time.”

* * * * *

Sharde slept badly Saturday night, woke late on Sunday morning, showered, had two boiled eggs and a cup of coffee, and spent the rest of the day at the shelter.

She arrived home just after six to find Jeff had called two more times. She erased his messages, hesitated, and then took her phone off the hook. Undressing, she took a long bubble bath. Around nine-thirty when she finally wrapped a towel around her body and made her way to her bedroom, the front door buzzer sounded.

She walked over to the console and looked at her video caller ID. Jefferson stood in the lobby in front of the camera, holding a bouquet of flowers. If he thought flowers would make up for his having slept with another woman the first time they had an argument, he was nuts.

Ignoring the ache in her chest, she left him standing there and went back into the bathroom. She closed the door and turned on the radio. She had eaten her heart out for Jefferson Calder for the last time.

She found another message waiting when she emerged from the bathroom an hour later.

She pushed the playback button. “Sharde, I know you’re upset, but we need to talk. Please pick up. Just talk to me. Please. After we talk, if you want me to go, I will, but please just give me a chance to explain.”

She erased the message, tossed a salad, turned off her ringer, and went to bed.

* * * * *

On Monday morning, Jefferson arrived at work and found his world had crashed down around him. He had felt bad when he lost the defense contract after months of long hours and hard work. His heart had ached when first Linda and then Vanessa cheated on him. As he stared at Sharde’s resignation lying on the center of his desk, he felt sick and afraid.

He raked his hands through his hair, panic and desperation eating at him. He couldn’t seem to catch his breath. This could not be happening. He should not feel as if his heart was being ripped out of his body. For that to happen he would have to love her. And he didn’t.

He felt an undeniable need to be with her. He wanted her more than he’d ever wanted another woman. The sex between them was explosive and consuming. And he was even finally ready to propose if she’d only give him a chance to atone for his dumb mistake. His feelings for her ran deeply enough to risk marriage again. But he did not love her.

No? Then why the hell do you feel as if your heart is not only breaking, but cracking into pieces so tiny you’ll never be able to recover or love another woman?

He had tried to apologize but she was determined not to forgive him. What the hell was he supposed to do if she wouldn’t talk to him or see him? He stiffened. She had the power to refuse to see him outside of work, but not here.

He rose and stalked down the long corridor separating their offices, knocked on her door, waited a second, opened the door, and entered.

She sat at her desk, pouring over what he recognized as application folders. She didn’t look up. “Look, I’m busy right now. I need to get these employment applications done. Come back this afternoon, please.”

He closed the door and leaned against it. “They can wait. We need to talk.”

She stiffened and looked up at him, a weary look in her eyes. “There’s nothing to talk about, Jefferson. I gave you your options, you made your choice, and now it’s time for both of us to move on.”

He sighed and spread his hands wide, feeling helpless. “I know you called my house and I know a woman answered, but nothing happened between us, Sharde. Nothing.”

“Oh. I see. You took her home for companionship.”

“I was hurt, angry, and horny. I took her home to fuck her,” he said bluntly. “But I didn’t...” He sighed. “I... couldn’t.”

She shook her head. “You know what, Jefferson? It doesn’t matter. I don’t care. I want more from a relationship than you want to give. It’s time for me to move on and find a man who’s not afraid to entrust his heart to me.”

“You want a proposal? Fine. Marry me.”

She shook her head again. “If you had offered that meaningless proposal last week, I would have said yes. But I finally have my priorities straight. I want you sexually, but I don’t need you anymore.” She lifted her chin. “So please just let it go, Jefferson.”

He swallowed rapidly, several times. He closed his eyes briefly, an ache inside him that threatened to overwhelm him. “I did not sleep with her. I swear I didn’t.”

“All that matters is that you took her home to sleep with her! It doesn’t matter why or even if you did. We have one argument and you immediately go pick up some long-legged blonde and spend the night with her.”

“She wasn’t a blonde, but you don’t care, do you? Because you are hell-bent on being a self-righteous, unforgiving bitch, aren’t you? Never mind you were the one who goaded me into the whole damn mess in the first place! You know damn well when we went to your place another woman was the last thing on my mind.”