Falling Up (10 page)

“That would be cruel.”

“I know. I'm not really going to do it.” She starts crying again.

Now I put my arms around her. “Look, Nat, I know
you're hurting. And I know it's going to be hard. But I'm here for you, okay? And even more than that, God is here for you too. You've got to start leaning on Him again. He's just waiting for you to come and tell Him how much you need Him, that you're sorry…you know this stuff.”

She pulls away. “I might know that stuff in my head, but I'm not ready to go there yet, Kim. Right now, I'm just very, very confused.”

“Are you going to tell your mom?”

She looks shocked now. “Are you kidding?”

“How about a counselor? Maybe someone at my church.”

“You mean Ben's church.”

“It's God's church, Nat.”

“Yeah, right.”

“Well, you should probably at least see your doctor,” I say. “I read that in the instructions for the pregnancy test.”

“Sure, like I'm going to go to the family doc and tell him I'm knocked up. You bet.”

“They have a confidentiality policy, Nat.”

“For minors?”

I shrug. “How far along do you think you are?”

“Based on my calculations and what little research I've done, the baby would be due around New Year's. I'm about two months pregnant.”

I slowly shake my head, like it's still sinking in. “This is so weird, Nat. I mean, I can't imagine you with a baby”

“No one said I have to have this baby, Kim. I haven't made up my mind yet.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…1 can get an abortion.”

“But you're opposed to abortion, Nat. I've heard you going on and on about it, almost ever since I've known you. You and your mom even picketed the clinics. And you've got that Right to Life poster in your room.”

“I took it down.”

“But still…”

“People change, Kim.”

“But an abortion?” I study my friend carefully.

“You used to act like you supported abortion, Km.”

I consider this. “I think I just liked to take the opposite position of you, playing devil's advocate, you know? And besides, that's before I became a Christian. And like you said, people can change.”

“So we've flip-flopped. You're the conservative Christian now, and I'm the liberal—” She stops herself short of saying she's not a Christian. That gives me hope.

“I think you're just scared. I don't think you've really changed your position on anything. You're just feeling cornered, and you don't know what to do.”

“Well, what would you do, Km? I mean, if you were in my shoes?”

I want to tell her that, first of all, I wouldn't be in her shoes, but that sounds so mean and proud. And I remember how I used to feel when she came across sounding like that to me. “I'm not sure. But the honest truth is, I don't think I'd consider abortion.”

“And why not?”

“Several reasons… For one thing, I think about my own birth mother. I'm sure she could've gotten an abortion, maybe she even considered it. But if she had…well…1 wouldn't be here, would I? And then I think about Mom, and even though she's not around, I think she'd want me to have the baby.”

“And then what?” she asks. “Drop out of school to change diapers?”

“I don't know, Nat. Maybe I'd consider adoption. I'm not sure. But why are we putting me on the spot? You're the one who's pregnant. You're the one who has to figure this out.”

Our conversation is finally running out of steam. It is past noon and we both decide we are hungry. Eager to put this hot topic to rest, I offer to treat us to burgers and fries. “But let's not talk about pregnancy, abortions, or babies,” I say as we drive to Dairy Queen. And once we get there, we just act like a couple of normal girls who are just starting summer break. And I have to say that Natalie is more like her old self. And it isn't too bad.

Okay, it was obvious she needed to talk to someone about this. It's like she had this pressure valve that needed to be released, and afterward she was actually able to relax a little. Even her face looked less stressed.

Of course, I realize this is just the beginning, and she'll need to talk again. And again and again. And she needs to come to grips with this whole thing. And hopefully, she'll reach the place where she can talk to someone else—someone with knowledge and
experience—someone with better advice than I can give. Sure, I might sound good on paper as Just Jamie, but I don't think I'm cut out to advise Natalie. The truth is, I am feeling more stressed than ever right now. It's a heavy load to carry—being the only one (besides God) who knows that her best friend is pregnant. Like I needed this right now.

Saturday, June 1

As if playing a violin solo for a wedding isn't stressful enough—especially a wedding for someone as sweet and good as Caitlin O'Conner where you really don't want to mess up—I had to bear the additional stress of knowing that Caitlin's only brother, Benjamin, is the father of my best friends unborn baby. I felt like I was playing a part in a soap opera! I tried not to think about that prior to the ceremony and certainly not as I played “Ave Maria.”

In fact, as I stood there playing my solo, positioned off to one side in the front of the beautiful church with the stained-glass windows illuminated by the sun, the notes reverberating through the spacious sanctuary, I felt as if my mom was right there with me. It was one of those amazing moments when everything in life seems
to be nearly perfect, like the universe is in order and God is smiling down on us. And even though I knew in my head that my mom was gone, I felt her presence with me in the strongest way—like I could almost reach out and touch her. And for those few brief moments, it was truly comforting.

And the wedding ceremony was beautiful. Not unlike the sort of wedding I've dreamed of having some day. But as I sat there watching the whole thing, it occurred to me that my mother wouldn't be there to help me with it, to plan all those details and to pick things out. And despite that earlier feeling of her presence, I began to miss her all over again. Fortunately a lot of people cry at weddings, and I doubt that anyone thought it strange that I had the sniffles too. And at least I was sitting off to the side in the shadows, where I doubt anyone noticed.

Afterward, I was tempted to skip the reception, except that I had already invited Matthew to be my date. Besides, it was supposed to be a very fun evening. And Chloe and Allie would be there, as well as others from the youth group. And of course, Ben. I would have to make sure to avoid any conversations with him. How awkward.

Natalie had come over to my house earlier this afternoon. She said it was to help me with my hair (for the wedding), but I think it was only to make sure that I was perfectly clear about Ben.

“You are not to say one word to him,” she told me in a firm voice.

“Not even hello?”

She poked my head with the end of the comb. “You know what I mean, Kim. Don't say or do anything that could give this away.”

“Do you really think I'd want to?”

“Well, you might do it accidentally.”

“I'm not stupid, Natalie.”

Finally, she was convinced. And my hair didn't look too bad either. “Thanks,” I told her. “What do I owe you?”

She moaned and flopped down on my bed. “I feel like Cinderella.”

“Huh?”

“You know, left out of everything. I didn't get to go to the prom. And now, even though I'm invited, I don't get to go to Caitlin's wedding.”

“Why don't you go?”

She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, right. Caitlin invited me before Ben and I broke up. I'm sure she wants me to show up now.”

“She probably wouldn't mind… “

“Well, Ben would. Besides, I might fall apart and tell everyone that I'm pregnant. No, it's better that I stay home. Just like Cinderella.”

“What does that make me?” I asked. “The wicked stepsister?”

“No. But it just doesn't seem fair. I'm the one who should be Ben's date today. Especially considering…well, you know.”

I just sadly shook my head. “You're right, Nat, it doesn't seem fair.”

And the more I think about it, it really doesn't seem fair. I mean, Ben is just as much to blame for Natalie's situation as she is. And yet, he's out there doing things and having fun, and Nat's the one who's suffering. Even at the wedding reception tonight, Ben was with Torrey, laughing and dancing and whooping it up and having a great time. Meanwhile, poor Nat's stuck at home with morning sickness or whatever you call it. She told me that she's thrown up several times already. It must be miserable.

“Didn't you take any precautions?” I had asked her earlier this afternoon.

She kind of laughed. “Precautions?”

“You know,” I continued. “Birth control. They teach about it in health class?”

“Think about it, Kim,” she said with some impatience. “Ben and I were both Christians, both dedicated to abstinence. It's not like he had a bunch of condoms in his pocket. And I wasn't exactly on the pill, if you know what I mean.”

“So you did IT without any protection?”

She sighed. “Yeah, at least the first time or two. I mean, it's not like we planned it all out.”

“Obviously.”

“We did use some things, you know, after that.

I was tempted to ask her how many times they actually had sex, but it felt like “too much information,”
and so I didn't push her. But based on what she'd told me before, I didn't think they'd really done it too many times. Still, they'd done it enough to get pregnant—or to transmit an STD, although that would've been unlikely since they'd both been virgins.

One of the uncomfortable things about Natalie's pregnancy is that I have to keep it to myself. She made me promise not to tell anyone, including (and specifically) Matthew. And it's hard to act as if everything's fine when I'm feeling pretty freaked for my best friend.

Like tonight at the wedding reception. I suppose I was being a little quiet as we sat at a table off to one side. And in all fairness, that was partly due to feeling sad about Mom, but I was also feeling seriously irked as I watched Ben and Torrey clowning around as if they didn't have a care in the world.

“What's wrong?” Matthew asked me.

“Nothing,” I said quickly.

“Come on, Kim. I know when something's bugging you. What's up?”

I just shrugged and told him I was fine and not to worry. But he persisted. I suspect he thought it had something to do with him or us. Finally, I just told him about how it had occurred to me that Mom wouldn't be around to help with my wedding.

“I mean, if I ever have a wedding,” I threw in. “Its not like I'm planning one.” Then I laughed.

He didn't say anything, but he did seem relieved.
And it wasn't as if I'd lied to him exactly. It was true that I had been missing my mom. Still, it wasn't completly honest either. I'll be so glad when Natalie is ready to have this out in the open. Not that she'll send out announcements to everyone, but all this secrecy is stressing me out. Speaking of getting things out in the open, I answered a funny letter this week.

So I sent Bird Killer a letter on Wednesday. Hopefully she got it in time.

Too bad all of life's questions aren't that simple.

Sunday, June 2

Dad was acting really strange this afternoon. Not strange as in stuck in his grief like he usually is, but today he was really agitated and upset. He kept pacing around and slamming cupboard doors and muttering and complaining about everything…until finally I just had to ask him if something was wrong.

At this point, he stops pacing and just looks at me with this really odd expression. “I was about to ask you the same thing.”

“Huh?” Okay, now I'm more confused. I mean, he's the one who was slamming doors and pacing and stuff. “What do you mean?”

“Is something wrong with you, Kim?”

“No. Well, nothing other than the regular stressful stuff of life, that is.”

“What kind of stress?”

His sudden interest in my life makes me curious. I'm not sure if he's trying to be a good dad or to make up for being so distant lately or what exactly. But I decide to play along. “As you know, I still struggle with missing Mom a lot. Like yesterday at the wedding. Well, at one point everything seemed so cool because it felt like she was right there with me, like I could almost feel her, you know? And then within minutes, I was crying because I knew she was gone and—”

“So you're having mood swings?”

I consider this. “Yeah, I guess so. I mean, it felt like she was with me and that was great, but then I realized she wouldn't be here for my wedding, to help me plan it and then—”

“Are you planning on getting married anytime soon?”

I frown at him. “No, Dad. But that's not the point. It's just that I would miss her being around to—”

“I miss her too, Kim.” His tone is growing slightly impatient now. “But is there anything else that's bothering you?”