Falling Into Us (43 page)

I watched this play out several times, and each time my emotions got further and further out of control. Something about watching Nell play with my son had me in tears. She was so happy, so completely content and in the moment, joy shining from her eyes, totally unreserved. Colt saw it, too, his eyes glued to Nell’s face as she played with Benny. I saw the love he had for her, and it only made me sniffle that much more. I remembered all too vividly the day I’d walked into her room as she dragged a razor across her wrist. I remembered smelling alcohol on her breath and seeing the desperation in her eyes, the deeply buried heartache.
 

I descended the rest of the stairs and sat on the floor next to Nell, helping her stack blocks.
 

She smiled at me and nodded at Ben. “He’s amazing. He’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Thanks. He’s a troublemaker extraordinaire, but he makes up for it sheer cuteness.”

“He looks so much like both of you,” she said. She glanced at me, hesitant. “You named him for your brother?”

I nodded, swallowing hard. “Yeah. We never even considered another name.” It was my turn to be hesitant then. “He…his middle name is Kyle.”

Nell sucked in a quick breath. Colt tensed but kept playing with Ben, ramming trucks together.
 

“Benjamin Kyle.” Nell stared at the carpeting between her crossed legs. “It’s a good name. He even kind of looks like Kyle a little bit.”

“It’s his eyes, I think. Different color, but they’re shaped kind of like Kyle’s were.”

Nell nodded. “He’s a great kid.” She obviously wasn’t sure what else to say, staring at Benny as if seeing Kyle somehow. She visibly gathered herself, pushing away the memories I could see playing in her eyes. “So, Colt and I discussed potential wedding dates.”

“Oh, god,” Colt said. “I think I’ll go help Jason.” He stood up, and Benny followed him, grabbing Colt’s thumb and walking with him.

“What is it with men?” Nell asked, laughing. “Why are they so afraid of wedding plans?”

I laughed with her. “I don’t know. Jason acted like every little decision was taking years off his life. Either that, or if I gave him a choice between two things, he’d act like he couldn’t tell the difference. It’s just funny.”
 

We watched as Colt and Benny put silverware on the table, Benny climbing up on each chair in turn to put a fork and spoon on the plates while Colt came behind him with knives and rearranged the silverware to each side of the plate. I thought about saying something, but I decided to let it play out. Sure enough, once Benny did the last plate and saw what Colt was doing, he glared at Colt.
 

“I do.” Benny scrambled off the chair, went to the head of the table, and gathered all three pieces of silverware and put them back on the plate, glancing at Colt to make sure he got the message.
 

“Benny is kind of particular about certain things,” I said to Colt. “Silverware goes
on
the plate in this house.”

Colt stared at Benny, then at me, then at the plate, and finally shrugged. “Okay, then, on the plates it is.” He then went back around the table, putting silverware on the plates.
 

Benny watched in satisfaction, then dragged Colt to the fridge and handed him a sippy cup. “Juice.”

Nell and I watched Colt with Ben, and then met each other’s eyes.
 

“Is that on the horizon for you two?” I asked, gesturing at Nell’s fiancé and my child.

Nell shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s not come up yet. I have a feeling it’s going to after today.”

“How do you feel about it?”

Nell was silent for a while, and then shrugged again. “I don’t know. Part of me is thrilled at the idea of having a baby. Benny is so cute, so much fun. Colt would be such an amazing father. But…it’s scary, too. What if…what if I have another miscarriage? The doctor said it was just one of things that happens sometimes. Like, I didn’t do anything wrong, and there’s no medical reason I shouldn’t be able to carry a baby to term, but…I still worry. Sometimes I still feel…fragile, emotionally. I think I’m gonna be healing for the rest of my life in some ways. Am I even fit to be a mother? I mean, how do I tell a kid how their father and I met? How do you explain that to an adult, much less a child? What if we have a kid and they ask me about the scars on my wrists? What do I say?”

I thought about my answer for long moments. “I’m not dismissing your concerns, Nell, but I think you’re over-thinking it. That’s all stuff you’ll have to deal with in time. But having a child? As long as you have a good relationship with Colt, it’ll all work out. Having a baby…it changes things. It changes you. It changes your relationship. It’s hard, I won’t deny that. Being a parent is at once the hardest and scariest yet most rewarding thing you’ll do.” My eyes followed Jason as he pulled the chicken out of the oven and cut into it to check its doneness. “Jason and I weren’t ready for a kid, Nell. We weren’t. Benny was a total surprise. You know that. And we sometimes wonder what we’ll tell him if he were to ever ask why his birthday is less than a month after our anniversary. He’ll put that together one day, and we’re gonna have to find an answer. But…it doesn’t really matter, in the big picture. You and Colt love each other. You’re in it for the long haul. Don’t hold yourself back from having a child just because you’re afraid of all the what-ifs. If you’re ready, you’re ready. The questions will be answered in their own time. The moment you hold your baby for the first time, you just…you know. Everything is different, and even if you could go back, you wouldn’t. I wouldn’t change anything in my life, because it’s all led me to where I am now. I’m married to the love of my life, my best friend and my…my everything. I’ve never been with anyone else, and I never will be, no matter what happens in the future. And I have my baby boy, my sweet little Benny. If changing even one thing in my life meant not coming to this place in my life, it’s not worth it.”

Nell scratched with a fingernail at a juice stain on the carpet. “I know what you mean. I’m so happy in my life now. Most of the time. I have Colton, and I’m touring the country making music. It’s a dream come true, a dream I never knew I wanted until I had it. I can’t imagine any other life for myself, I really can’t. I mean, yeah, sometimes in the middle of the night I lie awake and wonder where I’d be if…if Kyle had lived. I’d have gone to Stanford, and we’d probably have a couple kids by now, and I’d be working in an office, wearing power suits and assembling Powerpoint presentations for execs.” She shuddered dramatically. “I’m glad I dodged that career. That’s not me. That life…that’s all a what-if, and it’s a moot point. I wonder, but I don’t wish for it, because…god, this is something I struggled with so hard for so long…because as much as I loved Kyle, Colton is perfect for me.”

“Well, you and Kyle were so young, you know, so it might be impossible to say what would have happened between you.”

“No younger than you and Jason when you two got together. You’re the same age as me, twenty-four. But you guys have been together for how long now?”

“Eight years.”
 

“You’re twenty-four, but you’ve been with Jason for
eight years
. That’s longer than most relationships ever last.”

“And in some ways, it feels like we’re just getting started. Benny is almost two already, but it feels like in some ways I just had him. We’re talking about having another one, actually. Jason wants a little girl.”

Jason announced that dinner was ready, so the conversation was cut short, but I caught Nell watching Benny with a speculative light in her eye. Colton saw it, too, but the same gleam was in his expression whenever he bent to listen to Benny jabber around a mouthful of food.

I had a feeling I’d be hearing some news in a few months.

*
 
*
 
*

Becca

The following May

I struggled to hold back tears as I straightened the train of Nell’s stunning dress. It was strapless with an empire waist and a sweetheart neckline, tasteful beading on the bodice and a back that plunged daringly low. Her strawberry blonde hair was piled on her head in a complex arrangement of pins and knots, with a few wisps dangling free to frame her beautiful face. Her gray-green eyes gleamed with excitement as she turned in place slowly to give me a chance to rearrange the gown around her feet.
 

I took her bouquet of white calla lilies with dark purple centers, holding it with my smaller matching bouquet. Colt…well, I was a happily married woman more in love with Jason every day, but Colt was so handsome it almost hurt to look at him. He’d had his usually long and messy hair cut short and neat, and he was shaved clean so his hard, rugged jawline stood out. His eyes were an electric, lightning blue so vivid they mesmerized even as I entered from the back of the chapel. His tux was perfectly creased, black and white and formal, and suiting his muscular frame as if he’d been born in it.
 

Jason stood two spots away from Colt, and it took every ounce of willpower I had to not drag him into the back of the church and have my way with him. Colt might have been stunningly good-looking, but Jason? He was a dream, a fantasy. His blond hair was freshly cropped and artfully messy and spiked, his green eyes catching the brilliant sun like cut jades. His arms bulged out the sleeves of the tuxedo coat, and his powerful neck strained the collar of his shirt. He was, in a word, statuesque. Michelangelo himself couldn’t have sculpted a more perfect specimen of a man. To me, at least.

 
The doors opened once more as Nell held Colt’s hands, and all eyes turned to the back of the chapel. Benny, now just turned two, stood in the doorway wearing his own little tux, shoes tiny and shined to a polish, a clip-on tie at his neck and his hair slicked back. I could feel him psyching himself up as he stood frozen in the doorway, the pillow with the rings held on his outstretched hands. He glanced over at the audience, frowning as he realized how many people were watching.
 

And then he proved that he was, above all else, his father’s son. He straightened his back, held his head high, and marched confidently down the aisle, his gaze never wavering. He fixed his eyes on Nell, whom he had come to absolutely adore. He knew she was his goal, as he’d been told over and over again that his job was to bring the rings safely to Aunt Nelly.
 

Nell, for her part, doted on Benny to the point of spoiling him. She even went so far as to rearrange the usual order of who came down the aisle when to feature Benny as a highlight, even though weddings were supposed to be all about the bride. Usually the flower girl and ring bearer came after the bridesmaids and groomsmen and before the bride, or something like that, but Nell was adamant that Benny be the last down the aisle, bringing the rings all by himself.

So there he was, marching all by himself down the long aisle, acting oblivious to the whispers and pointing and not-so-subtle accolades of Benny’s epic cuteness. I felt my heart squeeze at the sight of Benny in his tux, so grown up, so focused on his job.

Benny ascended the steps carefully, and then, unlike we’d practiced, he stood directly between Colt and Nell, holding the pillow with the rings up as high as he could reach.

“I got rings, Nelly. Here go.” He gazed up at her, and the crowd
awwww
-ed appropriately.

Nell smiled down at him, let go of Colt’s hands, and gathered her skirts up to kneel at Benny’s level. “Thank you, Benjamin.”

“I do good?” he asked her, apprehension in his voice.

Nell kissed him on the forehead, laughing. “You did perfectly, little man.”

“I have ’Raffey now?”

Nell glanced at me, not sure what he was asking. Nonno—the Italian word for “grandpa,” meaning my dad—came to the rescue, settling Benny onto his lap after the minister took the rings. Benny dug his stuffed giraffe, affectionately known as ’Raffey, out of his Nonno’s coat pocket and made a loud animal grunting/barking noise, hopping the stuffed animal across Dad’s shoulders. Everyone laughed at Ben’s antics, especially Nell. She sobered quickly as she turned back to Colt.

The wedding was beautiful, and Nell glowed with a happiness brighter than I’d ever seen in her. The reception was a huge, lively affair at a banquet hall not far from the wedding chapel. At the end of dinner, Nell seemed to be considering something, sipping idly on a glass of sparkling water with a wedge of lime, glancing at Colt and then away.

I was sitting next to her, with Colt’s best man, an attractive but hard-bitten black man named Split, on his right side. Nell sucked in a long breath and let it out, having made a decision. She leaned over to Colt, wrapping her hand around the back of his neck and whispering something in his ear. Whatever she told him had Colt’s eyes widening with surprise and then delight.
 

“You are? You’re sure?” he asked, not quite quietly enough.

Nell nodded. Colt glanced down at her belly, then up to her face, and I knew what she’d whispered. “I just found out for sure yesterday, and I wanted a special occasion to tell you.”

Colt wrapped his arms around her, hugging her close, whispering under his breath into her ear. I heard Nell sniffle, her arms on Colt’s broad shoulders, palms flat and trembling slightly.
 

“Can I announce it?” he asked.

Nell pulled away. “Right now?”

Colt grinned. “Hell, yeah. I’m ecstatic!”

Nell ducked her head to bump her cheek against his. “You’re crazy.” She glanced up into his eyes. “What if—”

Colt pressed two fingers over her lips. “No. Just…no.”

Nell nodded and opened her mouth to bite Colt’s fingers. “If you want to announce it, then go ahead.”

Standing at his chair, Colt waved at the DJ, who brought over a cordless mic. “I guess now’s as good a time to do speeches as any, right? I’ve got a captive audience, since most of you are still eating dinner. So, this is the best day of my life. I’ve had a lot of good days, and a few not so good ones, like everyone has. But today…today’s the best of them all. I got to marry Nell, you see. Yeah, you can go ahead and be jealous, fellas, because that beautiful, sexy, talented, amazing woman right there is all mine. I won’t bore you with the gory details of how we got together, since most of you know some version of the story by now. The point is, I’m the lucky one. She rescued me, and I’ll never be able to love her as much as she deserves, but I’ll sure as hell try.” He paused, and the crowd filled the space with raucous applause and cheers. “Yeah, thanks. So…this is also the best day ever because Nell just gave me some news. Stand up here with me, baby.” He held the mic in his hand and pulled Nell to his side, glancing down at her and grinning. “See, she just told me, just now, that we’re gonna have a baby.”