Falling Darkness: The second book in the Falling Awake Series (23 page)

“Ah, you’re good,” Quidel said, leaning on his pool cue and watching me pocket the yellow ball. After missing the next shot, he took his turn and pocketed four stripes in a row.

“Ah, your good,” I said, when his winning streak came to an end he fouled, potting the cue ball. I took my turn and my free shot, winning the game.

“How’d you get so good?” Quidel asked me.

“I’m the only daughter of a single father. Pool and cars are all he knows, and he made sure I excelled in both.”

“Gotcha.”

We sat down at the table. Ressler had moved to go and sit with Caleb. He was leaning in close to him, while Tamara sat there with an open compact, plastering her lips with thick and gooey lip-gloss. She must have felt my eyes on her because she looked up and puckered her lips at me, into a kiss. I flipped her my middle finger and she smiled at me, going back to suffocating her sticky lips with more lip-gloss. Was Caleb really going to kiss her with that gunk all over her face? I felt sorry for him if he was. Caleb looked up at me with mischief in his eyes and a smile slipping onto one side of his mouth. I couldn’t rule out the fact that he might be reading my mind. You never could tell with him, and I looked away.

“I never knew you played pool like that,” Matoskah said. “Is there anything you’re not good at?”

“Yeah, is there anything you’re not good at?” Rona asked me sarcastically.

“Shut up, Rona,” Quidel said, throwing a balled up piece of paper at her that he dug from his shorts pocket. “You look ugly when you’re jealous.”

“Actually, there’s plenty I’m not good at, thanks for asking,” I threw back at her. She didn’t like me very much that was clear but I had no idea why. I didn’t even know the girl and she certainly didn’t know me well enough to dislike me already.

My head jerked back up to Caleb’s table when I heard the scraping of chairs on the wood floor and Caleb announced to Ressler that he was taking Tamara home. Tamara slipped past me in the shortest skirt I had ever seen and Caleb’s arm slid around her waist, pulling her body close to his.

Ugh, throw it in my face, why don’t you?

When I was sure they were gone as far from Sully’s as you could get in ten minutes, I made an excuse to leave and go outside for fresh air. I wasn’t drinking alcohol, but I had the same head-jarring effects of it. I pressed my back against the cool wood of the side of the bar and tipped my head back. I didn’t know what I wanted anymore. I’d believed every word I had said to Caleb in my dream. I felt fine with him and Tamara, well as fine as you could be when you thought you were secretly in love with someone who was draped all over someone else. And now, in real life… I can’t stand it. I hate looking at them, and I hate that Caleb could do that to me so easily. Even taking into consideration everything that I knew was happening to him- him changing and slowly losing himself to something that none of us could even see, I couldn’t help but feel like deep down, somewhere, there was still a part of Caleb to blame for all of this. I had no idea how to help him. He didn’t want to be around me and I really didn’t want to be around him either. But I also wasn’t ready to just give up. What’s one more dream, where I can have him back for a few hours? And then of course, day will break and he’ll be with Tamara again. The thought was causing my head to spin. Somewhere along the way, I had lost my self-respect and dignity and I’d be damned if I knew where to find it now.

“You shouldn’t be out here alone.”

“I just need a minute,” I said to Ressler. “That’s all.”

“I know it’s hard,” he said, coming to stand behind me. His head tipped back next to mine and we both stared into the star spattered sky.

“You have no idea.”

“Try me.”

I wasn’t so sure Ressler was the best person to talk to about this, but he was all I had right now and I knew that him of all people, would understand. “Why can’t I just forget about him?”

“You tell me.”

I angled my weight onto my shoulder and stood facing Ressler. “You know what? I can’t wait till this is over and he’s gone. That’s the only way I’m gonna get my life back. I hate that I let him get to me like this. It’s not who I am, and look at me. I’m pathetic. He’s turned me into a different person and not one I’m particularly fond of.”

“So, you’re in love with him?”

“I wish I wasn’t.”

“You don’t choose who you love.”

I skimmed my fingers over Ressler’s cheek, careful and light. “I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you. I wish…”

“I know,” he said. “I could never be mad at you. I’ve tried, and trust me- it never lasts long. I know it doesn’t mean anything to you and you don’t feel the same but…”

“Don’t say it, Ressler. Please don’t.” My throat was growing restricted, my airways thinning. If those words came out of his mouth…

“I just want you to be happy; be there for you, and if friends is what you’re offering, then I want to be the best friend there ever was,” he said smiling.

I smiled, too- a secret thanks for not putting any more pressure on me than what I was already lugging around. I wished I felt the same as Ressler and up to a point, I did. But I wasn’t where he was at and I would never be, but this was one of the things I loved about Ressler, he always managed to make me happy in the moments when I thought there was no such thing anymore.

“You wanna hear something really selfish?” I pursed my lips, not sure if I should really say this, but while we were being honest… “I would hate to see you with someone else. I would never think anyone was ever good enough. You’re so amazing, you deserve a girl that I’m not even sure exists.”

“She exists,” he said, lowering his head so our lips were level. If I moved barely an inch, I could kiss him, and a part of me wanted to do exactly that. What would kissing Ressler solve? Nothing, but I knew what it felt like to kiss Ressler and I knew if only for a minute or two, it would feel good.

“Is this a bad time?”

“Caleb…” Ressler groaned, pulling away from me.

I couldn’t deal with him right now. “I’m going inside,” I said to Ressler. I went back into the bar without a single glance in Caleb’s direction and sat on the edge of the pool table to watch Quidel whoop Matoskah’s butt at eight ball. When the game was over, I tried to pretend that I hadn’t noticed Caleb come back inside and that he wasn’t standing staring at me from the bar. But the way the tingles spiked my body, I knew that was exactly what he was doing.

“Seriously, who is that guy?” I could see from where Matoskah was looking that he was referring to Caleb. “Everywhere you are, there he is.”

“Not everywhere. Before- yes, he was everywhere. But now, even though it’s hard to believe, I barely see him.”

Matoskah just looked at me, blank but still able to pull more answers from me. “He’s got a girlfriend now.” I shook my head. Why was I telling him this? “He spends most of his time with her, see.” I was smiling but it was just a disguise. There was nothing funny or happy about that statement.

“The blonde from earlier?”

“That’s her.”

“You wouldn’t think he had a girlfriend, the way he keeps looking at you, and if he’s got a girlfriend, why did you bring him to the reservation with you? Does she know about that? You and him don’t really seem close friends or anything. The way he looks at you… that’s not friendly… it’s the way most guys look at you.”

I shifted a little, becoming fidgety in my discomfort. “Sorry,” Matoskah said, “but it’s true.”

I didn’t know about any of the other guys but I guess he was right about Caleb. We could have had something great if anything about our situation was relatively normal, but it was just my luck that it was the complete opposite.

“I never brought Caleb with me. Only Drake and Ressler, and only because I had no other choice.”

“I saw
him
there.” Matoskah pointed to Caleb.

“He came once, but just to pick me up, trust me… he didn’t hang around.”

“Well that’s funny, ‘cause I could have sworn I’ve seen him a few times. Once when you weren’t even there with him.”

“No. He would never be out there. He’s got no reason to.” Matoskah must have him mixed up with someone else, although a face as perfect as Caleb’s would be hard to recreate.

“Maybe. I could have him mixed up with someone else, but I’m pretty certain it was him.” Matoskah shrugged, but his stare was fixed on Caleb, like he was trying to figure something out.

“It definitely wasn’t him,” I said. “I know it.”

“You’re probably right.”

I twisted my head just enough to see Caleb out of the corner of my eye. He slipped his cell into the pocket of his jeans and mine instantly vibrated in my jeans. I pulled it out. There was a waiting text.

Get rid of him. We need to talk.

I slid the phone back into my pocket and offered my cue to Rona. “Why don’t you play Matoskah,” I said. “I put ten bucks on you. Quidel?”

Quidel grunted. “Matoskah’s bad, but Rona’s worse. She doesn’t even know how to hold the cue.”

“Asshole,” Rona muttered with a sour face.

I sat down with Quidel, and Matoskah positioned himself behind Rona and brought her cue up in front of her, pushing her with his body weight so she was bent slightly over the table and he was flush against the back of her. I tried to stifle my smile when I saw her draw in the corner of her lip in-between her teeth and how Matoskah clearly had no idea what she was probably feeling right now. Quidel rolled his eyes and that was it. I couldn’t stop the laughter that came out of me.

“What?” Matoskah said, turning to me.

“Nothing. Just don’t show her too much, or I’ll be ten bucks poorer.”

“That’s my sister,” said Quidel. “Watch where you’re putting your hands.”

“Shut up,” Rona shouted. Matoskah ignored Quidel and held his arms around Rona, showing her how to shoot the cue and aim for the right ball.

“So, how old are you?” I asked Quidel. I still had no idea of Matoskah’s age, I could guess but something about him made me think he could be older.

“Seventeen. Same age as Matoskah.”

“And Rona?”

“Sixteen.”

Rona shot her cue and one of the balls flew clean off the table.

“Foul,” said Quidel.

I pulled a ten dollar bill from my pocket and tossed it to Quidel. “Might as well give you this now.” Rona was worse than I thought.

“Pleasure,” he said, grabbing the rolled up bill. “And don’t say anything, especially not to Rona, but I think Matoskah has a little crush on you.” Quidel was grinning, but that was really the last thing I wanted to hear.

“We’re friends.”

Quidel’s voice went down to a hushed tone. “You know he searched for you right?”

“But not for that reason.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s because you’re awesome, and your mom was awesome, and everyone on the reservation is talking about you, in case you didn’t know.”

That didn’t sound good. So much for my low profile. I hoped Caleb couldn’t hear any of this. “They are?”

“It’s like they’re scared of you.”

“Scared of me?” Why would anyone be scared of me?

“People are scared of what they don’t know. You coming back like that…”

“Me coming back?”

“Well you know what I mean. You look just like your mom, and I hate to break it to ya but people think you are
her.
” Quidel shuffled in closer to me and dropped his voice even lower. “You’re not her, are you?”

I narrowed my eyes and set my tone to the same deathly low octave. “Are you being serious?”

“Hey, you must admit. The circumstances are creepy. She jumps, you’re unborn, and
BOOM
!”

I jumped unexpectedly.

“Here you are. Freaking gorgeous, but it’s like you’ve risen from the dead.”

I stared at him, speechless. I couldn’t see if he was joking or being completely serious. “You’re weird,” I finally said.

“Think about it,” Quidel said. “It’s like strange but true. Long lost supposedly dead, unborn child turns up seventeen years later. How did you even survive? Listen, Matoskah hasn’t told me your life story. He wouldn’t do that, he can keep a secret, but trust me, I can handle weird-”

“Time to go.” Matoskah stood glowering at Quidel and I found myself instantly jumping to his defense. “It’s fine, really. He never said anything we aren’t already all thinking. If you guys are going, Ressler will take you back,” I offered on his behalf. I knew he would do it, anyway. Quidel stood up and just like earlier, wrapped me in his arms, lifting me off the ground and spun me around. I heard myself chuckling like a five year old.

“There’s something wrong with you,” I said when he put me down.

I caught Ressler’s attention from the bar when our eyes locked. “I guess you want me to take them home?” he said. The music was too loud to hear properly, but I could read his lips well enough.

I nodded my head. “Thank you.”

“So will I see you tomorrow?” Matoskah asked me.

“Sure, I’ll come by in the morning.” I gave him a hug, careful not to hold on too long. I dint want to give Rona reason to hate me even more.