Falling Away (5 page)

             
“I don’t see why not. It’ll be good for him to hear from some of his friends right now. What’s your name dear?”

             
“Jenna. Jenna Baker.”

             
“Well Jenna, I’ll be sure to tell his family you called. I know they’ll appreciate it.”

             
When I got off with Evan’s grandmother, I tried the number she gave me for Evan’s cell, but surprise, surprise, it went straight to voice mail. I called information for the number to the hospital, and of course got nowhere. As expected, they had no information to offer people that called over the phone, and when I asked to be connected to the room phone, the operator told me they didn’t have them in the ICU rooms.

             
ICU?!
Oh,
nooooo
… No, no, no, no,
no!

             
Why did this guy always have to cause me anxiety and abnormal heart palpitations? What did I do that earned me an indefinite mind tether every time he bumped his head? I had to make this stop. I had to. I couldn’t live my entire life with Evan just popping in and out of the blue. Shouldn’t I get a say in this? It was hard enough letting him go the first time, but to have him appear out of thin air and make me worry about him all over again? To play with my emotions like that? That’s so not
freakin
’ fair!

             
Oh, who was I kidding? Evan wasn’t doing it on purpose. It wasn’t his fault we had some unexplainable bond after supposedly connecting in between here and the afterlife. But seriously, if this was something that was gonna continue on until one of us actually died for real, then there had to be some ground rules in play. Like if you find yourself drifting through my dreams, keep to yourself!

             
I wondered if he even remembered last night. He didn’t before, though later he said I seemed
familiar
. It’s why I absolutely had to cut off all contact. If he ever began to remember our time together, and what we had… No, I couldn’t even think that way. I was with Robert. I
loved
Robert. And I wasn’t gonna let Evan screw this up for me a second time.

             
Groan…my insides were doing that awful twisting thing again. Deep down I knew there was still a smidgen of love for Evan. I’d be heartless if there weren’t. But I thought I had buried all that a long time ago. Now this dream had allowed the memory of us to slip through the cracks of all the walls I used to barricade it deep into my brain.

             
And I was worried about him. Really worried. I had a few days until my next class, and Robert was gonna be gone that long for that
Bucknell
Invitational swim meet anyway. I could totally take a bus to Penn State and try to find his family at the hospital. I’d bet they’d try to let me see him. If not, at least tell me everything going on, especially once I mention I helped care for him during his first hospital stay. And if I could get in
good with the family, maybe I could get them to keep me informed of how he was doing. ‘cause if he suddenly dropped from my dreams again, no way I wasn’t gonna panic myself to death worrying if he woke up or passed away.

             
Good Lord. Why couldn’t I just have a normal life like everyone else?

             
I stuffed my backpack with all the necessities for my road trip: snacks, a couple bottles of water, a change of clothes just in case, one of those dirty novels with the embarrassing covers I liked to read, my phone and wallet, and the mp3 player Robert got me and showed me how to use (complicated little thing…). I did have Robert’s little black Infiniti since I dropped him off at the team’s bus, but I really didn’t
wanna
leave it at the bus depot, and no way was I gonna drive all the way to Pennsylvania and back. I looked it up. It’s a six hour trip both ways and I wasn’t that experienced of a driver. I knew the bus would take a lot longer, but at least I wouldn’t have to worry about falling asleep on the road or wrecking the car.

             
Wouldn’t that be a lot of fun to explain? Especially once his mother found out. She disliked me enough without feeding her ammunition. She was like a piranha in a tank of goldfish.

             
Being a kid that grew up in the system without finances and transportation, I became fluent in the world of bus routes. I wasn’t in favor of the bus, now that I’d been spoiled with the use of Robert’s car, but I wasn’t completely uncomfortable with the condition of the floors, the dirty, worn out seats or the fellow riders as some people would be. Although I would say this: I always traveled with my own seat covers, toilet paper and soap sheets…just in case.

What was I thinking just coming out here blind? The cool, crisp mountain air was soothing after being stuffed on that nasty bus with recycled air for eight plus hours, but my stomach turned again when I stepped inside the hospital and inhaled a mixture of medicinal and disinfectant laced air. I avoided the main entrance altogether, already knowing they wouldn’t tell anyone his information that wasn’t family, and I didn’t want to draw unwanted attention to myself. But now I was left to wander aimlessly through the hospital.

             
Genius, Jenna. Super smart.

             
I tried the ICU first, since his grandmother had said he was there, but I didn’t see his name listed with the other patients outside the glass doors that led to the rooms. The design made me think of a sunburst, with the nurses’ station and waiting room in the center, and four sets of additional halls hidden behind glass doors that
irradiated out, so it was easy to check the names at each main entrance without anyone noticing me. I figured that maybe they had moved him out into one of the less critical wings, and began walking the corridors, hoping that was the case. I pretended to be reading my phone as I glanced at the names on patient doors, just so the staff wouldn’t think twice about me as I meandered through.

             
After sweeping the first two floors and coming up empty, I decided it couldn’t hurt to call the hospital’s operator and try for a room number. This time I skipped trying to find out personal information and just flat out asked to be transferred to Evan
Gilden’s
room. I inhaled sharply when she said okay and the other end of the line began ringing. For the second time today, my panic almost drove me to hang up. After the fourth ring, I was beginning to breathe easier ‘cause I just knew no one was gonna answer.

             
But then someone did.

             
“Hello?”

             
I whimpered. God, I actually whimpered.

             
It was him. His voice was a little raspy and garbled, but I’d recognize it anywhere. I closed my eyes and could almost feel his breath on my ear.

             
“Evan?” I whispered.

             
“Yeah?

             
Relief flushed my system, and for once my heart tried to beat at a normal pace, my hand pressing flat against my chest as if it could will it to slow more. “Oh, thank God you’re okay.”

             
“Yeah, I’m living. Who is this?”

             
And right then, right at that very second, I should’ve walked away. He was alive, and he was doing well enough to have a conversation with me. I should’ve just hung up and gone home, knowing that he’d overcome unconsciousness again, that he wouldn’t be returning to my dreams again. Not ever. So long as he didn’t pull this stunt a third time.

             
“Jenna?” he asked hesitantly. “Is this you?”

             
“
Wha
-…um…yeah. It’s just…I heard you bumped your head again and I wanted to come make sure you were alright.”

             
“Wait. Come? Are you here at the hospital?”

             
Crap-crap-crap.
I was so busted. Reluctantly, I replied, “Ye-ah.”

             
“Room four-sixteen. Head up.”

             
He hung up before I could protest, but I guess I couldn’t really anyway.
Oh, sorry, Evan. I know I came eight hours by bus to see you but I had no intention of actually
seeing
you. But thanks for the offer.

             
It was a slow walk to the elevator since my feet had suddenly gained fifty extra pounds. The ride up was only two floors, but it was all the time my body needed to create an insanity of explosion-emotions. I swallowed hard outside his door, my heart defying the internal order I gave it to cease and desist. Once again he must’ve had the far bed, ‘cause there was no one up front and the curtain was pulled for privacy. His television was set to the sports channel, and the announcers were summarizing their predictions for the weekend’s upcoming college football games.

             
“Evan?”

             
“Back here.”

             
Well, duh. I just didn’t
wanna
surprise him or find him in a compromising position by poking my head around the privacy curtain. I edged along the wall, learning the chairs around his bedside were empty, though there was a large woman’s bag on the floor, with a rolled up magazine and aluminum knitting needles sticking out the top.

             
I blew out a short puff of air.
Just get in, get out, Jenna. Say hello, make sure he’s okay and don’t get caught up in all the emotions. And most definitely, do not look into those eyes!

             
Nodding my head along with the internal coaching, I stepped forward and braved his glance. I immediately forgot what I told myself and a wave of sympathy overcame me. My steps were small, but it gave me plenty of time to assess him as I neared the head of the bed, and that kaleidoscope effect of gold specks that lined the inner part of his hazel eyes began that cruel hypnotizing thing. The lower left side of my lip got sucked into my mouth and I bit down hard enough I should have drawn blood. At worst, his eyes seemed tired, but for the most part, Evan looked pretty healthy. Far better than the last time I saw him lying in a hospital bed, with his sallow skin and muscle definition kaput. Well, the muscular structures in his arms were looking pretty defined now; so much I had a hard time breaking my admiration.

             
“Hi,” I all but whispered.

             
“Hey,” he quietly answered.

             
I
just kinda stood there for a minute. It wasn’t really awkward or anything, just silent. I could tell he was debating something in his head, not sure whether or not to speak…something I’d had plenty of experience with in the past. His lips twitched a few times, trying to find the right words, which eventually, were, “So…last night…that was real?”

             
He seemed confused, like he’d been trying to convince himself it was just a dream. But I understood the hesitation. When our minds linked like that, it always felt…off. Not in a bad way, but something about it made me realize it wasn’t a real dream. It’s a feeling I had yet to describe with words. I almost
wanna
shrug and play it off, but I just couldn’t. It would forever leave him with this feeling of misunderstanding, and it would probably linger in the back of his mind for the rest of his life.

             
Reluctantly, I nodded my head.

             
He absently scratched his right eyebrow. “You…didn’t seem surprised to see me. Like it was a regular occurrence or something.”

             
“Yeah, well…you used to be a frequent flyer to my dreams. So no, I wasn’t completely surprised to see you there.”

             
He
pinched
his eyes shut and shook his head a few times, his face screaming confusion. “I don’t get it. I don’t understand. I thought I was crazy to even think it when I woke up today. How the hell is this even possible? People don’t just…share dreams like that.”