Falling

First Published 2011

Copyright © 2011 by Kailin Gow

All Rights Reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage or retrieval system, without the permission in writing from the publisher except in case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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First Edition

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ISBN:
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Henceforth space by itself, and time by itself, are doomed to fade away into mere shadows, and only a kind of union of the two will preserve an independent reality. – Hermann Minkowski

ONE

M
y name is Celestra Caine. Celestra. Caine. I will not forget that, no matter how much people want me to. I will not.

Memory is all we really have. All we are. Without memories to give us a context for what’s happening around us, anything could be happening. Without the memory of my name to cling onto like a life preserver in a sea of insanity, I could be anyone. Anyone they want me to be. Given all the craziness that has taken place within the last few weeks, knowing my name is vital. I won’t let it go.

I’m Celestra Caine.

Celestra Caine, the seventeen year old senior at Richmond High. Celestra Caine, who used to train for track with her boyfriend, Grayson, and studied hard in the hopes of making it into Georgetown on a scholarship. Celestra Caine, who had normal friends, and a normal family. A normal life. I’m her.

The trouble is, I’m so much more than that as well. I am, for example, the girl who came back from practice one day to find her family gone. Just gone, like they had never existed. The girl who picked up the phone in the family living room to hear the message that changed my life.

“Celestra Caine? You are about to fade.”

Such simple words to change a life. To make me into a whole different person. Celeste Channing. That’s who I’m meant to be. The daughter of a tycoon, playing at being a model, partying. It’s so far from me that I can barely believe it, but then, I guess that was kind of the point.

And it isn’t all bad. I
like
being glamorous. I
like
getting to live the rich life, and I really like getting to spend it with Celeste Channing’s suave boyfriend, Jack Simple. Though the name is ironic, because there is never anything simple about Jack. He’s Celeste Channing’s boyfriend. If I’m still Celestra Caine, then is he really my boyfriend too?

When it comes to boyfriends, it’s hard not to think of Grayson. When I was still Celestra Caine, we were so close. We were going to go to the same university together. We were going to spend the rest of our lives together. We would spend our time studying, or running, or just hanging out. It was enough just to be around him sometimes, knowing that he was everything in the world to me and I was everything to him. But that was before I stopped being Celestra. That was before I was ‘faded’.

No. I’m still her. I won’t let that go. Not even when it would be so much more straightforward with Jack if I did. But then, it wouldn’t solve everything. He’s complicated. We’re complicated. Jack is every girl’s dream. He’s handsome. He’s suave. He’s dangerous, but he can keep me safe. Literally, given that he’s a secret agent charged with keeping me alive. He’s everything I could want. Certainly everything Celeste Channing could want.

But I’m not her. I’m not sure who I am anymore. Not after everything I found out from the people Jack works with. I’m not human. I’m not even close to it. I’m faster, stronger, more dangerous. I can burn people alive with a touch. Celestra Caine couldn’t do that. Nor could Celeste Channing. Jack’s mother could, but that’s another story. Maybe it’s one of the reasons I like him. Or maybe it’s even more complicated than that.

I know that there are people, the Others, who want to eliminate me. I know that there are other people, the Underground, who want to save me. Or at least study me. What I don’t know any more is what direction my life is going to take. How can I? I don’t know if I’m a freak, or a schoolgirl, or an international model. I don’t know if tomorrow is going to feature black clad assassins trying to kill me, secret bases full of stored memories, or powers I have no idea how to control.

I don’t even know who to love anymore. Grayson, the love of Celestra Caine’s life, who might have been playing a role my whole life just to get close to me? Jack, the current flame of Celeste Channing’s life, who has spilled over into so much more than that, going beyond the parameters of his job to love what he has seen of the real me? Both of them? Neither of them?

I don’t know. They say that the truth is important. That we should treasure it. But sometimes, I have to wonder if it would be better if I had never learned it. My life, Celestra’s life, used to be simple. Everything is complicated now that I know the truth, and there’s no sign of it getting better any time soon. I fell down the rabbit hole, and the more I try to scramble for the sides, the faster I fall.

I won’t give into it though. I won’t let the chaos of my life in the last few weeks crush me. I won’t let it change me, even though I’m still not sure who the real me is. I
will
get my life back. Sooner or later, it will happen, and when it does, I will be ready for it. No matter how much the Others and the Underground try to pull me away from it. No matter how much Jack and Grayson pull me apart without meaning to.

I will be ready. I will be everyone I need to be, and I will not let it destroy what’s left of my memory. I will understand everything that is happening to me, deal with all the things that are threatening to kill me, and make all the people I care about remember who I am. I will do it, and until I do, whatever happens, I will cling tightly to the thought that has kept me sane this far:

I am Celestra Caine.

TWO

H
ow did I get into this position? How did I get into a spot where I’m standing outside a secret base, with my ex-boyfriend pointing a gun at his own father while the boyfriend who has become so much more than his cover identity demanded runs towards us, ready for battle? How did I get to the point where I’m stuck between two secretive organizations, neither one of which will let me go back to my life as Celestra Caine?

I don’t know, and I don’t have time to think about it. Even as Jack runs forward with the other Faders from the Underground, Grayson glances around at them, and his father, Richard, starts forward as though he might take the gun from him. Grayson barely steps back in time.

“Grayson,” he demands, “what are you doing? Aim that gun somewhere else, right now!”

Grayson’s aim doesn’t waver, which isn’t like the boy I grew up with. But then, I don’t know how much of that boy is left. Somewhere along the line he has been reprogrammed; taught things far beyond how to run track and keep me company.

“Sorry, Dad,” he says. “I can’t let you get Celes. She’s not what you think she is.”

Richard looks disgusted at that, glancing from him to me. “I knew I made a mistake when I let you get too close to her.”

“That’s just it, Dad. You shouldn’t have done it in the first place.” That sounds more like the Grayson I knew. The one who helped me study for tests and kissed me underneath the bleachers at school. All this confident, well trained stuff is like a veneer over it.

Richard doesn’t sound any more normal though. “Son, she’s dangerous. She killed two of our men, and she’ll kill more before she’s done.  She’ll kill you, too.”

“She-”

I hadn’t noticed Richard shuffle forward again, but now his hands snap out, taking the gun from Grayson in one smooth motion. Does everyone around me have advanced training these days? Though as he points the gun straight at me, I know that’s the least of my worries.

“Dad, don’t!” Grayson moves between us; in front of me. It puts him right in his father’s firing line, so that if Richard wants to shoot, he’ll have to shoot his son first. That seems like a huge gamble to me, because nothing I’ve seen suggests that the Others care about that kind of thing. But then, maybe I’m just thinking about the way the Others forced me to move away from my own family for their safety, and about the way they hounded Jack’s non-human mother.

Richard doesn’t shoot, but he does look furious with Grayson. “You know how pathetic you sound, you lovelorn puppy? Remember, she broke your heart, ran away with some guy from the Underground. You don’t even know if she ever loved you or if she was just using you.”

I know they didn’t complete the process of Fading Grayson’s memories, because he broke clear of the room before they could, yet he looks blank at that. It’s like he doesn’t remember anything about us having to be apart, or about the way Jack broke up with him on my behalf by text. Grayson’s so stunned by that he takes a step to the side. Not much of one, and obviously not deliberately, but it’s still a step. I brace myself for the shot.

It doesn’t come, because Jack and his team have arrived. Jack tackles Richard low, grabbing him around the knees and bearing him to the ground, where they wrestle for the gun in a tangle of limbs. For a moment, I find myself wondering why Jack didn’t just shoot the other man, but I squash that thought. I can imagine how much pain it would cause Grayson, seeing his father killed.

Even as Jack wrestles with Richard, his team are fighting with the Others. Some fight hand to hand, following the example of their leader. Others exchange gunfire with them, using the surrounding cars for cover. The Faders from the Underground have the advantage of surprise, but it’s hard to tell for sure who is winning. There is simply too much chaos.