Fallen (17 page)

“Yea I love you Mae. I’m not in love with you anymore though. I want to love you and I want our family back, but it could never be the same. I can’t erase your relationship or mine and Leah’s. We could never have the relationship that we had, so it’s best to move on. I don’t know why you left Kai and I don’t care why. What I do know is that you don’t deserve a chance to have your family back. I deserve another chance at love not you. If you have to walk the rest of your life alone it’s because you decided that that was what you wanted. I’m sorry but it wil never happen.”

“But you do stil love me?”

“Mae are you choosing to hear what you want too? Yes I do stil love you but I am not in love with you. I’m in love with Leah.”

“You don’t love her.”

“I do Mae I love that woman. She was there for me when you decided I wasn’t good enough. She doesn’t deserve to have her heart broken because you want to be my wife again.”

“So what…you care about her more than me?”

“No that’s not what I’m saying Mae you know I couldn’t care for any woman more than I could care for you. Leah caught me when I fel and you were the one who dropped me. Why do you deserve to be happy and her sad?”

I didn’t have a good answer for that. I didn’t care about her feelings, it wasn’t my place too. I cared about Jay. I knew she didn’t have what it took to make him happy. For her it was just a matter of being on the right side of the court when it was time to catch the rebound.

“Jay, you don’t love her just because she loves you. She plotted on you and wanted you while you were with me. Yes I was cheating but she broke up our home. She was there to catch you because she pushed you to the edge not me. I’m not blaming her for what I did, but who’s to say things would have played out the way they did if she didn’t try to break us up?”

“Ramae…are you that crazy that you have twisted your cheating around to blame her?”

“I’m just saying that you don’t love her you just love that she has been there to comfort you. Wel I’m back and you stil love me, that was al I needed to hear.”

I stood up and pushed my chair in with nothing more to say. Jay and I could have this conversation every day I didn’t care because I knew I would crack his shel. I was a little heartbroken but I was determined to win.

Thanksgiving was approaching and I was eager to eat. Although Jay and I weren’t together, I was happy to be spending the holiday with my family. Leah wasn’t completely out of the picture but she was no longer a valuable part. Jay had told her shortly after our talk that he rushed into their relationship and that they needed to slow down some. Wel in my mind that was a break up and the end of their relationship so I couldn’t be any happier.

Even though I was beginning to get my family back, things weren’t going as smoothly as I hoped. Jay was taking his time with letting me back in the picture. Yes Leah was out , but I stil was not in. However he would let me come over to the house as often as I pleased, I just couldn’t stay the night. I tried not to let it bother me. I continued to cook and clean and settled for our movie nights together and tried not to pick or nag at him for the little things that he did that would bother me.

The funny thing was that we stil hadn’t had sex. Now I didn’t know if he was stil sleeping with Leah but he damn sure wasn’t having sex with me. He told me that he didn’t trust me, and that if he had sex with me after another man had me it would never be the same.

I think that that was harder to accept then him not wanting to be with me. Sex is like the golden ticket to forgiveness! If I couldn’t have sex with him then I could never get him to fuly forgive me. He knew that keeping that out of our relationship would alow him to have power and control over me, and himself.

Thanksgiving night was a beautiful night of food, family, and those lovely holiday smels. Cinnamon fragrance, which I always sprayed around the house during the holiday season, filed the air and made the house truly feel like a home. We decided to keep it simple this year and told most of our relatives to eat elsewhere. We didn’t need everyone in our business trying to figure out the situation between Jay and I. We hadn’t figured out what was going on between us so the last thing we needed was for our families snooping around demanding answers. This year it would be just us, the kids and Porscha celebrating and giving thanks. Oh and my brand new grandchild courteous of Kahliyah. Jayla would be with Ty so we wouldn’t get to enjoy her entertainment this year which made me a little sad.

After stuffing ourselves with my fried turkey, mac n cheese, yams, greens, and al the other trimmings we were al ready to pass out. Porscha and Jay took over the kitchen as Jason and Jamir disappeared into their rooms for a nap. Kahliyah and Jalal left a little early to spend some time with her family, which I knew wouldn’t last long because Jalal hated their ghetto asses. But now he had a family on the way and he had to do what he had to do to make both of them happy. Wel I was happy to know that after they talked , the coach made accommodations to let Ja use his scholarship after the baby was born for the folowing September, as long as he worked out with the local colege and was in good condition to play. He was taking courses at the community colege so that he wouldn’t be a year behind and had al intentions to go away to school the folowing year. Kahliyah didn’t want him to leave her alone with the baby but she didn’t want to struggle for the rest of her life either. She was working on her GED and I prayed that she wouldn’t end up on the pole. I stil didn’t like her.

After Porscha left I stayed around a bit longer just to get my quiet time with Jay. We cuddled for a few hours watching stand up comedies, which we both loved until I was ready to dose off! Everything seemed perfect. After we watched the second movie Jay got up to turn the TV off and scooted next to me on the sofa. I waited for him to kiss me and tel me he loved me but his words never changed.

Tilting his head slightly back then downward to make eye contact with me while exhaling, he stated his famous words:

“Mae it’s time for you to go home.”

I was living a lie. I thought that today would be different and that after al I had been doing to show him I was stil here he stil didn’t care. Today should’ve been a special day and the beginning to a new beginning! Instead he took advantage and ate my food, my affection and my time.

“Jay I was hoping that I could stay with you tonight. I was hoping that tonight meant something to you Jay, I’m ready to come home!” I tried not to get too loud but my emotions were getting the best of me.

“I know Mae but-”

“Jay I’m ready to come home please I want my family back”

Seeing me cry wasn’t enough to make him change his mind. He told me to give it more time but I knew he was lying he just liked having me around. He had no intentions on getting back with me or letting me move in. As my cries poured out faster and louder it was becoming more apparent that things were not going to change between us. He kept his face stern and immune to my tears. He continued to assure me that things would change overtime, but in my eyes I was serving a sentence with no teling on when it was going to end.

“Mae I love you but I’m not ready to trust you. What would you spending the night do for us but confuse things?”

“Confuse who Jay? Confuse you? I know what I want! There’s nothing confused about me! You don’t want to alow yourself to fal back in love with me?”

He was making me suffer and loved every minute of it. I felt embarrassed and desperate. I wanted my husband back but I didn’t want to be his doormat in order to be around his house.

“Mae I just need more time to figure out what I want.”

“So what you are teling me is that you stil don’t know if we wil get back together? You stil don’t know if you want me which means al of this is a waste of my time! What am I here for?”

Jay shot his eyes to the sky shook his head and offered no explanation. I saw something in his face that I never noticed. Jay was getting old. He wasn’t the same boy that he was when we met. His face had new lines and wrinkles caused by stress and grey strands were beginning to randomly peek out of his thick dark brown hair. He was stil a handsome man, very handsome but he wasn’t a boy anymore. He was growing old and tired, and he would not be doing it with me.

I stil wasn’t going to give up on our love but I needed to take a break from fighting for it. No, it hadn’t been that long, but Jay needed to find out for himself if he wanted to be with me because
he
wanted to be with me and not because I knew him best. I wanted to be with my husband more than ever, but there was no guarantee that things would ever be pieced together again.

“Mae you’re doing this for us and for your family. We love having you here and things weren’t the same without you. You started this family and you owe it to us to be here because you ruined it also. We love you, I love you, but you can’t be my wife…not yet, and I’m not sure when.”

I realy didn’t need to hear any more from him. Once again I was a child getting a whooping and having to just sit there and take it. I left with a door slam and got home to Porscha’s a fast as possible. I wouldn’t be going back over there for a couple of weeks but I stil planned on caling my boys daily to make sure they were ok. Jay needed some time to decide if he missed me and I wanted to make sure he came to his decision with a clear mind.

Jay must’ve felt bad for teling me how he felt because he caled my phone the next day leaving a long apologetic voicemail. I didn’t want to hear it. It took me two weeks to finaly answer his cals. When I did he yeled at me teling me he was concerned about my safety, that was why he kept caling me but I knew that was a lie. Surely he would’ve asked the boys if any of them had heard from me, and would’ve known that I was okay. I guess that the distance made him miss me because he tried to keep me on the phone as long as possible. The games we play. We love to chase what we can’t have or what no longer wants us. I stil wasn’t ready to see him and I told him that he needed more time to clear his thoughts. Now he was the one angry for reaching out to me just to get a smack in the face, and so the games continued.

Christmas would soon be approaching and regardless of Jay and I’s ability to see eye to eye on things I stil planned to cook and spend Christmas with my family. I was in the holiday spirit and I wouldn’t let anything or anyone get me down.

Porscha had a new man in her life and I didn’t mind babysitting. It kept my mind busy and off of my own family matters. Jayla and I had spent a lot of time decorating the house and creating the perfect tree and I couldn’t help but to be joyous. I even let her help me bake cookies, which was a past time that I hadn’t indulged in in years. She was a great helper and enjoyed cutting the dough into shapes and topping the shapes with sprinkles and icing. I played old Motown Christmas hits as we worked the kitchen in hopes to create memories for her that she would one day hold on to.

My phone ranged religiously but I wasn’t in the mood to answer. I just wanted peace and my time with Jayla. Sometimes the boys would cal and sometimes it would be Jay. I finaly decided to check the voicemails. The first voicemail was saying that I was missed and the second teling me to come by the house to get my mail. I took a mental note on both and decided to address them the next day.

You know how you prepare yourself for something that is about to happen as you’re getting dressed? Wel I was carefuly laying out my clothes and putting on my makeup this Sunday morning. I wanted to look like the fanciest thing on the road when I went to pick up my mail; I had to make a statement. My hair was puled into a tight ponytail that alowed my pretty face to be noticed; just the right amount of makeup, natural shades, so my true beauty couldn’t be covered up or doubted. There was nothing special about my outfit, just a plain black sweater and black tights with black knee boots, simple yet sexy. I looked like cat woman in my outfit and I knew it would be a turn on. I just wanted to be a tease today, I needed that pleasure.

“Hey Mae.”

Kai opened the door wearing a red knit sweater and dark blue denim jeans. His hair cut and beard was perfectly trimmed and I almost melted seeing his gap tooth grin take over his face. His deep voice was so unfamiliar that he shocked me to hear it and instantly brought back bedroom memories. I hadn’t seen or spoken to Kai in months and it felt good to be face to face with him again. He had tried countless times to hear information about the baby, but of course I didn’t have anything to say so I ignored al messages and voicemails.

There was so much that I wanted to say to him but there realy wasn’t a need. I wasn’t angry with him anymore.

“Makai I just wanted to get my mail.”

I was trying to keep the conversation brief. I needed to head to the mal to do my Christmas shopping and the longer I looked at him the more curious I grew about what I had missed out on knowing since I left. I wanted to get caught up on Kai and Tiffany, and to find out if she kept the baby. I wanted to know if he thought about me or missed my meals, we had a lot of unfinished business. However, I didn’t want to open a book that was already closed.

Makai handed me my mail as I asked. We stood for a moment in an awkward silence before he reached out to hug me and give me a kiss on the cheek. We had a crazy relationship and that was okay. It wasn’t meant to last, it was just supposed to be fun. He was letting me know that we were on a good note and it was good to know that. We didn’t have to be in love and he didn’t need to be the key to my happiness. His purpose was to fil the void that Jay wasn’t providing. A sexual void, a lustful, an exciting and temporary void that everyone needs filed from time to time. So when he let me go and informed me that he had a glass of cabernet waiting for me in the living room, I figured one glass couldn’t hurt.

“So how’s life Ramae?” I asked.

I already knew the answer. She hadn’t been over since the fight, and here she was al decked out like a cat burglar. I popped open the bottle of wine and took a seat.