Fall of Light (55 page)

‘Best you do not.’

‘Why?’

‘You said that your soul can travel into them, yes? Then, consider them a last recourse. Should you find your life in danger. Should a mortal wound take you, in the body you now own, then, Orfantal, flee to your … friends. Do you understand me?’

‘Can I even do that?’

The historian shook his head. ‘I don’t know for certain, but it seems to be an option – from what you have just described. This secret, Orfantal – hold to it, for, should it become known, then your wolf-friends will be vulnerable. Tell me, must they be close when conjured into being?’

‘I don’t know. I could try to raise them in a different room, maybe, and see if that works.’

‘Experiment, but privately. Let none see. Let none know.’

Orfantal shrugged again, and then turned to the door. ‘Ribs ran away again.’

‘I begin to comprehend why.’

At that moment, heavy footsteps announced the return of Grizzin Farl. As the Azathanai entered the chamber, he tilted his head and sniffed the air. ‘Ah, well,’ he murmured, gaze settling on Orfantal. ‘My silent foil – will you join the historian and me in conversation?’

‘No, sir. I’m going to look for Ribs.’

‘Yes, he blurred past me in yonder corridor. Look for him in the furthest corner of the Citadel, or indeed in the stables outside.’

Nodding, Orfantal left the two and set out. He recalled Rise Herat’s words about hunters, and hunting, and the child mind that got trapped in all of that. But he wasn’t interested in using his wolves to hunt, and he wasn’t interested in hunting, either. There were no heroes among hunters, because killing was easy.
Unless, of course, the prey decides it’s not innocent any more. And then stops being afraid. And decides that running is useless, because some appetites you can’t run away from, and a big hole behind you can be a mouth, too, getting bigger and bigger.

Wolves like mine … they aren’t afraid. They can turn. They can hunt the hunters.

What, I wonder, will that feel like?

  *   *   *

‘She sees through the wounds in his hands,’ Rise Herat said. ‘That tapestry gift to Emral Lanear, it’s meant to show us that none of this is new. It’s happened before. The power in blood. What else, Azathanai, should we know?’

‘You fill me with sorrow, historian, with such anger.’

‘The gifts of the Azathanai are never what they seem.’

Belching, Grizzin Farl drew up another chair, and sat. ‘I have drunk too much ale.’

The historian studied the Azathanai, who was staring into the flames of the hearth. ‘Then indulge in loquaciousness.’

‘Indulgence is the sweet drink, yes. There is an Azathanai, a woman of flesh. Her name is Olar Ethil. Have you heard of her? No. Ah, well. Perhaps not by name, but recall your dreams, historian, those troubling ones, when a woman you know and yet do not know comes to you, often from behind. She presses herself against you, and offers a carnal invitation. You would think,’ he said, sighing, ‘that she is but the harbinger of base desires, a play of lust and, indeed, indulgence, particularly of the forbidden – however you might imagine it.’

‘Grizzin Farl, you know nothing of my dreams.’

‘Historian, I know what all men share. But, very well. Look instead into this fire. There are faces in the flames, or rather one face, offering myriad expressions. The Dog-Runners learned to worship that face, that womanly thing. Olar Ethil was wise. She knew the manner in which she would make herself known to them. Goddess of flames, awakener of heat. Lust, desire, bloodlust. She’ll warm your flesh, but burn your soul.’

‘A serpent grows from her hand, yes? She is the one in the tapestry.’

But the Azathanai shook his head. ‘Yes, and no. The Dog-Runners will speak of their goddess of the earth. They name her Burn, and they hold that she sleeps an eternal sleep. In her dreams, she makes the world of men. But Olar Ethil stands near, sometimes beside the Sleeping Goddess, sometimes barring the way to her. She is jealous of Burn, and steals the heat from her. Every hearth, every lick of flame, is stolen. The serpent is fire, and blood. Life, if you choose. And yet, at its core, it is a force of destruction.’

‘You Azathanai play at being gods.’

‘Yes. Some of us do. Power is seductive.’

‘Even the Dog-Runners deserve better. Is Burn too an Azathanai?’

‘I cannot even say if Burn exists, historian. The belief in her does, and that suffices. It will guide the believers, and give shape to their world. You must lean towards the pragmatic, Rise Herat. Motivations are mere ghosts, and if meaning rides in the wake of every deed, indulge it at your leisure.’ Grizzin Farl looked up, met the historian’s eyes. ‘What you choose to do can, without effort, be seen as a betrayal. Though you might name it the purest act of integrity imaginable.’

Rise Herat felt the blood pool in his gut, chilling his limbs. ‘Do you accuse me of something, Azathanai?’

Grizzin Farl’s brows lifted. ‘Not at all. I but question the validity of your role in life. The historian will dissect events, counting the ledger’s list of deeds, and seek meaning from invented motives. When you invite indulgence, I see how familiar to you its flavour.’

‘Mother Dark is as much a goddess as is this Olar Ethil,’ Rise Heart said. ‘Sorcery in the blood. There, on the throne, her eyes are closed. She might be sleeping. She might be dead. Still, through serpent eyes she sees the world. And, I am told, the blood’s taste is seductive. What has Draconus done?’

‘To your liege? Why, he has made her into a goddess. Do you name this love? Between lovers, worship is all sharp edges. Every embrace, no matter how heated, bleeds something. That woman behind you in your dreams, she means you ill. Or, in the next breath, blessing and revelation. The possibilities are endless, until you turn round.’

It was a wonder, Rise Herat reflected, that no one had as yet killed this Azathanai, so frustrating and infuriating was his conversation. He imagined that facing a sword-master would feel much the same, with every attack anticipated, every move effortlessly countered, and like the sword-master, Grizzin Farl was in no hurry to deliver the fatal wound. He scowled at the Azathanai. ‘Mother Dark is the absence at the centre of our worship. Is this by her choice, Grizzin Farl? Or does the blood – and her thirst – drive her farther and farther from mortal concerns? You say that Burn sleeps – did she choose to, or has she succumbed to some curse? You say that Olar Ethil inhabits the flames of the hearth – is this all that gods do? Simply
watch
?’

‘It may indeed seem that way, yes. But I already warned you against imagining motivations, inventing meanings.’

‘But she does nothing! No acts, no deeds! There is nothing to imagine or invent!’

‘And so the historian starves. But, soon to grow sated, yes? The enemy to order stirs in a distant camp. An army will march on Kharkanas. What, you wonder, will she do then? Where, you wonder, are those who will fight in her name? And, as for that name … what is the cause it represents? Assemble the beliefs, and paint in gold their many virtues. But that you cannot do, because
she does not speak.’

Rise Herat glared at the Azathanai, who stared back with calm, sorrow-filled eyes.

After a moment, the historian looked away. ‘The High Priestess has not been given leave to visit the Chamber of Night.’

‘Nonsense,’ Grizzin Farl replied. ‘She chooses not to, because she has something she wishes to keep hidden from Mother Dark. But now the goddess makes use of poor Endest Silann, and deception grows harder to hide. You, sir, are doubtless in league with the High Priestess. You intend something, in Mother Dark’s name, but whatever it is, she must never know what you have done. Now,’ the Azathanai’s gaze suddenly hardened, ‘bend your deeds into worship.’

Rise Herat felt sick inside, as if he had fostered an illness of his own invention, to now lodge in his flesh, sour his blood, and bruise his organs. ‘Very well,’ he said in a dry, rasping voice. ‘Join me, Grizzin Farl. Let us go to the Chamber of Night. Let us speak to her.’

‘She remains with Draconus.’

‘Then we will speak to them both!’

The Azathanai pushed himself upright. ‘As you wish. Shall we collect up the High Priestess along the way?’

Rise Herat grimaced. ‘We can at least ask her.’

They departed the room. Behind them, the flames in the hearth devoured the last of the wood, and knew a time of hunger.

  *   *   *

Emral Lanear, High Priestess of Dark, sat lost in a world of smoke. A vision blurred saw few cracks, and the future, laid out so smooth and perfect, proved no different from the present. This was the lure of d’bayang. There had been a time when ritual had surrounded its indulgence, and the dreamscape the smoke offered whispered messages both profound and quickly forgotten. The intent, she supposed, had to do with stepping aside, out of the flesh, outside the strictures of reality. Couched in ritual or not, it was an escape. The distinction, between then and now, belonged to intention.

Escape as ritual promises a return to the present, when the ritual is done. Escape as ritual is meant to seed the ground between the dreamscape and the real world. But here and now, I seek no return to any present, and I will make of the ground between a wasteland of despair. Mine is not an escape seeking discovery, but one born of flight.

She had once valued her own sobriety, the keen mind delighting in its wakefulness, its precious acuity. She had been unable to imagine wilfully surrendering such gifts, and had seen enough fools in her life to know, with dismay, the minds of company grown dull on alcohol or smoke.
Fleeing without moving. Drowning in one’s chair. The bleary gaze, the comfort with confusion, the slow disintegration of time, and the slow losing of one’s place in its eternal stream.

But look at me now. With a future crowded with crimes, I make an island and clothe it in fog. Let time stream past; I yield no harbour.

It is delusion. Rise Herat saw well the desire in my eyes, which should have shamed me. But I am past shame, and that too proves an alluring escape.

Alas, a kind of crystal clarity remained in her mind, something immune to all her efforts at flight and evasion. Its light was guilt, painting her entire inner world.
Not the d’bayang. That is too paltry a reason.

I am High Priestess to Mother Dark. And yet, in place of obeisance, vespers and rituals, I weave a web of spies, each one conducting subterfuge with her legs spread wide.
Her mind was trapped in a cage of her own making, wherein every thought was cast into a construct of potential alliances, possible weaknesses, spilled secrets, and the option of coercion into a host of deceptions and machinations. By these efforts – this wretched course she had taken – she was seeing her world remade. She now weighed in terms of cold economy the value of each and every citizen of the realm. Collusion against opposition, strength against weakness, deceit against trust.

Like the d’bayang, this newly born way of thinking was in truth an inward spiral, with her own needs at the core. It was a world view that she now realized was far from unique, and, personal as it seemed, she but reflected the mien of countless others.

How many wealthy nobles, I wonder, see the world in the same way? Was it not, indeed, the means by which they acquired their riches, and with them their unshakable belief in their own superiority?

But, Mother forgive me, it is a cold realm I find.

The smoke warred against it, but feebly. With slurred words, it whispered lazy invitations into a refuge of ennui, to the sodden bliss of the insensate. Floppy limbs half beckoned in her mind, barely seen amidst the grey cloud.
Over here … come … here waits oblivion.

Hardly a worthy goal for a spymaster.
I lust for knowledge, yet refuse to taste it. I gather news and facts and secrets, and do nothing with them. I am like the Protector, Grizzin Farl, who claims to protect nothing. Just as the historian refuses to record history, and the goddess refuses the comforts of worship.

While arrayed against us, a general who would rather not lead, a commander who follows only his own drunken whims, and a high priestess still awaiting her god.

We are, all of us, nothing but impostors to our cause, because the cause we espouse is nothing more than the blind we raise to hide our own ambitions. This, I now believe, is the secret behind every war, every clash that sees blood spill to the ground.

The ritual of smoke could, on occasion, offer cruel insights.

Faintly, she heard the chime of the bell cord.
Again? Am I to be afforded no rest, no luxury of escape?
Senses blunted, her body leaden, she forced herself from the divan, found a cloak to hide all that felt exposed, and made her way from the bedroom into the outer chamber.

‘Enter.’

The historian’s appearance was no surprise, but the presence of Grizzin Farl was. Searching his expression, she found little given away. The Azathanai made a profession of secrets. Even so, she did not detect his usual façade of bluff amusement.

‘What brings you here?’ she asked them.

Rise Herat cleared his throat. ‘High Priestess. The Protector has agreed to guide us into the presence of Mother Dark.’

To what end?
These words almost spilled from her, but she managed to hold them back. She would not give them the raw extremity of her own despair, or that of her fears. ‘I see. Are we to fling ourselves against her indifference one more time? Very well. Lead us, Grizzin Farl.’

The Azathanai bowed and then retreated into the corridor. Emral and Rise followed.

After a moment, as they walked, the historian spoke to her with atypical formality. ‘High Priestess, it is time to inform Mother Dark of the events occurring in her realm – yes, I well understand her usage of Endest Silann, but even there, we cannot know the fullest reach of her knowledge, or her awareness. More to the point, Endest resides here in the Citadel, and concerns himself little with what goes on beyond its walls. Is it not time for a full accounting?’