Falcon Song: A love story (27 page)

She snapped a hand towel. “It was a job. It kept me busy.”

Watching her, he asked, “Busy helps when you’re alone, doesn’t it?”

She looked over the hand towel. “How would you know what alone is like?”

“You don’t always have to be by yourself to be alone, Kate. Alone in a crowd is just as lonely. You were gone. I was alone a lot.”

“What about Cody and the guys?”

He gave her a sad half smile. “Y’all think Cody could make up for you?” He shook his head. “No way. He’s fun, but no one could make up for you.”

She didn’t answer and he picked up a tiny pair of jeans and held them up and couldn’t help the smile. “Holy cow that is a tiny pair of Levis. They’re kind of cute.”

“His stuff is cute, isn’t it? You should have seen the newborn size stuff.”

That sense of loss came through in his voice as he quietly said, “I wish I could have, Kate.”

She looked up and met his eyes and the hardness softened a little more as she told him, “You may not believe this, Jason. But a day hasn’t gone by that I didn’t wish I could share him with you. But a lot of the time, you haven’t really been father material. You have to admit that.”

“Kate, do you really believe for one minute that even at my worst, I wouldn’t have shaped up for you and him?”

“Jason, there was a time when I wouldn’t have believed you could promise me forever on the way out the door and then be drinking and carousing fourteen seconds later. I learned the hard way. If you had a daughter who had been in my shoes, would you have recommended she encourage her party animal boyfriend to step in as the father?”

“If the boyfriend was like me, I would have in a second.”

Kate shook her head. “No, you wouldn’t have, Jason.”

“You don’t trust me anymore, Kate, and I don’t blame you. I was off base then. But honestly, I am trustworthy. I would love one of our daughters to marry a man like me. I’ve had my moments, but except for those couple of major screw ups and a lot of poor judgment, I’m still the same guy who grew up next door. The same guy who has always treated you well. The same guy who made you that pinky promise. I bought that piece of the lake by the way. I’m the same guy who was always there for you.”

He paused thoughtfully for a moment and then went on, “You know, at first when you insisted I needed to fly before I settled down so I could know I preferred your flavor, honestly, I was hurt. To me that translated as I don’t trust you Jason. But you were right and it was wise for you to set me free to see if I came back to you. And yes, at first the glitz was a bit overwhelming and went to my head a little. But only a little, Kate. I had to mature some before flying straight back. But you know, when you set something free to see if it comes back to you, you’re supposed to give it a fair shot and be there when it does.”

Tears welled in her eyes and it took her a minute to be able to whisper, “Jason, I suddenly didn’t have time.” She looked away for a few seconds to gain control. “I’m so sorry I got pregnant. You know I didn’t mean to. But I was. And I’ve had to consider his needs when making my decisions. And you have to believe that I didn’t intend to keep him from you. I didn’t want that. You know I wanted to tell you. But consider what I found that night in Lubbock. Did I even have a choice? In a way, you were the one who made the decision for me to go. Not me. I felt like I had to for our child.”

She pulled her bare feet up onto the couch and wrapped her arms around her knees and buried her face in them and he watched her shoulders shake as she began to sob out the hurt of that night and that decision and the ensuing struggle it brought on. He felt tears in his own eyes for her and for all three of them at the heartache he had caused. Not sure what to do, he finally took his cue from Kennen who got up from his tiny cars and came and wrapped his small arms around her legs, put his face against her and cried too. Jason scooted closer to them and reached up and pulled her down onto his lap and then wrapped his own arms around both of them and the three of them cried together for all the things that could have been if he’d just done some things differently.

When she finally began to wind down, Kennen went back to his cars and Jason kissed Kate’s hair, pulled her closer to his chest and whispered near her ear, “Babe, do you know what I still dream about?” She shook her head without looking up. “I still dream of someday getting married and having more children. I dream of having that sweet intimacy be such a special thing and then being so excited about you getting pregnant. I dream of watching you, knowing my baby is inside your body. I dream of helping you through those months and then standing beside you while you struggle to bring it into the world. And then babying you while you recuperate from it. I dream of watching you feed it and care for it and nurture it. Someday, Kate I am going to help you fold newborn size clothes again. That’s one of the biggest dreams I have. Someday I want to have more little Falcons with you and do it right this time and treat you like the queen you are to me and it’ll be the happiest of times instead of being so sad and difficult. That’s what I still dream about.” She didn’t say anything and he just continued to hold her and occasionally rub her back and kiss her hair.

She started to cry again, but after several minutes, she whispered back without raising her head, “Sometimes I still dream of that too.”

He wrapped his arms around her more tightly and felt the tears seep in again. When he could finally get the words out, he promised her, “We’ll make it come true, Kate.”

Twenty minutes later, he realized she’d fallen asleep, but he just kept holding her until Kennen disappeared down the hall and stayed disappeared long enough that Jason figured he’d better go make sure he was all right. He gently eased Kate down onto her thick carpet and slipped a throw pillow under her head and covered her with a baby quilt they’d just folded.

He went down the hall and after searching for a second, found Kennen sound asleep on the floor between Kate’s bed and his crib. Jason scooped him up and gently kissed his sleeping curls and then took him back in the family room and laid him on the floor beside Kate. He went back and got Kate’s comforter off of her bed and brought it in and covered them with it, pulled the drapes to darken the room and then lay down on the other side of Kennen to nap with them.

He could feel Kennen’s breath on his arm and Kate’s on his face and it was incredibly satisfying to lay there beside them. They could be a family. They’d made a mess of the beginning of Kennen’s life, but they could do something about that. He reached over to touch Kate’s hair. He fully intended to do something about that.

As he was coming awake, Jason felt Kennen roll over next to him and Jason turned on his side to curl around his son and pull him close. He was just adjusting the pillow under his head when he realized Kate’s eyes were watching him. He returned her gaze and then reached over and took the hand she had resting on Kennen beside him. He knew she was afraid of her feelings, so he didn’t say he loved her out loud, but he hoped she understood he was telling her with his eyes.

After a minute or two, she gently moved Kennen’s leg and then scooted closer and put her arm over him and over Jason as well and all the blood rushed to Jason’s heart as she pulled him toward her slightly. She looked up at him sleepily and then closed her eyes again. Yeah, they could be a family. It was definitely a good thing that Kennen laid between them, because just now, Jason wanted to start working on some of those other dreams that had to wait.

When he woke up again, Kennen was still cuddled tight against him, but Kate was gone and it was ridiculously lonely. He gently disentangled himself from his precious boy and went in search of her. She was standing in the kitchen stirring something at the stove and he came to her, hoping she would still look at him the way she had a while ago.

Indeed, when she looked up and into his eyes, there was still love and trust deep in those blue depths. She put down her wooden spoon and he pulled her into a hug. This was his Kate. She was older. Sadly, wiser and with a much slower smile, but she was all Kate and he worshipped her. He tried to convey that as he kissed her slowly and tenderly. After a second, he raised his head and turned her stove off and then went right back to kissing her. She was a great cook, but nothing could compare to how she kissed.

They spent the afternoon snacking and playing and kissing and then a little of all three again and Jason hated having to leave her after such a heavenly day, but he had to get back. The band was flying out to Omaha in the morning. For some reason, he was hesitant to tell her that. He was afraid it would break the spell and bring the shadows back to her eyes.

Actually, the shadows didn’t come back and it gave him more hope that they’d finally be able to kick her worries. He wished he’d brought her something more than just food today. He wanted her to have something tangible with her while he was away to remind her that he loved her constantly, even when he was two states away.

They were standing in front of her door, trying to say goodbye, when he asked, “Did you ever get the bracelet? From Kiersten?”

“Yes.”

“Did you throw it away?”

“Of course not.”

“Did you ever wear it?”

She looked down and shook her head. “No. I’m sorry, I couldn’t.”

“What do you mean?”

“It hurt too much, Jason. It would have made me cry every time I saw it.”

Gently tipping her face up, he asked huskily, “Is there any way you could wear it now?” She looked into his eyes and he continued, “That’s actually what I want. I mean I don’t want you to cry, but I want you to think of me every time it slides across your wrist and know that wherever I am, I’m missing you. And I’m being true to you and I’m coming home to you. I want to come home and talk to you about getting married, Kate.”

Her eyes flew to his and this time there was worry. “I’ll wear the bracelet, Jase. But it’s way too soon to talk about getting married. We don’t even know each other any more.”

“Go get it.” He looked at her, but decided not to argue this one. She could feel the unbelievable pull in this room as well as he could. If she couldn’t face it yet, that was one thing, but to say they didn’t know each other was hogwash.

She came back a moment later with the small velvet box and he got the bracelet out and gently put it on and then tenderly kissed the inside of her wrist. He could feel the goose bumps break out on her arms and switched to kissing the warm, sensitive curve of her neck under her ear. That was one thing about knowing her to her soul. He knew exactly how to turn her inside out. She could talk about them not knowing each other all she wanted. He knew better.

He kissed her neck until she let out a sigh that was almost a moan and then he ever so gently nuzzled her with his teeth and he smiled to himself as she pressed her body tightly to him. She was having a hard time breathing and he reveled in it and nuzzled her more. It would serve her right if he cheerfully said goodbye and walked out with her this wound up just now. She’d see how well he knew her.

He would have toyed with her longer if it hadn’t been making him as wound up as it was making her. He finally kissed her one last time and then pulled away and took a ragged breath. “I need to go, Kate. Right now. Sorry, but you’re way too tempting and I’m way out of practice at resisting you.” He caressed the inside of her wrist again. “When you feel the bracelet, think about me. Would you? And know I’m thinking of you.” She nodded wordlessly, still slightly breathless and he wanted to drown in the indigo lightning he saw deep in her eyes. He watched it for another few seconds and then breathed, “I love you, Kate.” He leaned and gave her a second last kiss below her ear. “Good night.”

Chapter 23

Waking up to know Jason was going to be out of the state for a few days was enough of a downer that Kate felt foolish. They had caught up way too fast. These feelings couldn’t be wise. Still, as she rolled onto her tummy and stretched, she felt the diamond bracelet and her thoughts went back to his tender kisses last night and her body completely abandoned her intentions to slow things down. He definitely hadn’t forgotten how to get to her. Some things were like the deep friendship they shared. Built on a lifetime of knowing each other to the core.

She fingered the sparkling gift and then put her arm under her cheek where she could feel the texture of the stones and the gold. She loved Jason, but this bracelet could be almost dangerous. She might have to get a little diamond fire extinguisher to go with it.

Kennen made a sound and she moved her eyes to look at him without moving her face off of the cool, slim bracelet. He was sitting up in his crib with a tired, mostly toothless smile, his dark brown curls tousled across his head. Man, he looked like his father. She was never going to be able to go out in public with the two of them.

She got up and dressed and got breakfast. Maybe Jason being gone for a while would be a good thing. In fact, she was sure it was. She needed to get a handle on her common sense again. She needed to remember that Jason wasn’t just an incredibly sexy friend. Attraction that bordered on obsession was insane and she needed to put the brakes on it in a hurry.

That was a good theory. Right up until she answered her door to be handed a huge bouquet of white roses with a note that simply read, “I love you, Jason.” How was she supposed to be unobsessed when he did stuff like this? She’d even smell them in her sleep.

Ten minutes later, Elise knocked on her door and let herself and Gretchen in. She advanced into the kitchen with a huge smile and set Gretchen down and Kate had to grin back as Elise said, “So… I’m assuming y’all are not going to keep telling me that end of story line. What’s going on with your country star?”

“He just sent me roses, Elise. No big deal.”

“Yeah, sure. And bought the house in your back yard.”

“What?”

“Peggy Reid was just freaking out because she found out the guy who bought her house is Jason Falcon.”

“What! She said what?”

“Your no big deal, end of story, just an old boyfriend bought the Reid’s house. In case you don’t know who that is; they’re the neighbors who live across my back fence.”

Kate was so shocked she could hardly close her mouth. “Kiddy corner through the block behind me?”

“That’s the one.”

Kate sat down hard in a chair. Holy cats! How would she keep her head with him in the backyard? Now she’d probably
have
to move. She got up and went to her desk and uncovered the magazine she’d bought and ripped off the cover and put it on the fridge with a magnet. Maybe keeping that in front of her face would help her use some judgment.

Elise looked from the fridge and back and asked, “What was that all about?”

“I’m hoping it will help me remember that he has girls all over the world.”

“Girls who like him or girls who he likes back? He seemed pretty comfortable here day before yesterday.”

Kate looked at her relatively new friend and asked, “How can you ever really know the answer to that, Elise? If I knew that, I’d know whether to marry the guy or refuse to ever talk to him again.”

“He said he wants to marry you? Jason Falcon? My goodness!”

“The question is Elise, how many others has he said that to? I mean, he always seems so sincere. But… I always believe him when he’s around and then feel like an idiot for it when he’s gone.”

“Kate, this is Jason Falcon. Even the National Enquirer admits he’s not a womanizer. Isn’t that what you’ve gotten from all the cover stories about him?”

Kate shook her head. “I haven’t read even one of the stories in years. Honestly. I only bought that to help me use caution.”

Elise raised her eyebrows. “You have a child with him, but don’t keep up on him?”

“It’s a long and painful story, Elise. You don’t want to hear it, trust me.”

“Well, I don’t know the man, but the press doesn’t think he’s fast and loose with the women. Usually they’re trying to speculate about whatever girl he’s photographed with. And they’re never very incriminating photographs. Even when he was drinking so hard for a while, he still steered clear of entanglements. A couple of the magazines even hinted that he was gay. I doubt he’s got an affianced in every port.”

Kate considered that and then grinned. “So how come y’all know so much about Jason Falcon?”

Elise rolled her eyes guiltily and admitted, “Oh, Kate. You have no idea. It wasn’t Jason I had a thing for. But that Cody Rawlings… He had me going for like a year. I thought he was the most adorable maniac on the planet. I mean he seemed like such a hellion most of the time, but then sometimes he’d do something like when he brought that kid who had cancer on stage for the Make-A-Wish Foundation and let him do a whole concert.”

“You’ve been to one of their concerts?”

“Or like all of them.” She grinned. “I’ve had to grow up though, ya know. I’m married and have a child. And actually, Mike is ten times more adorable than Cody Rawlings anyway.”

Kate nodded. “Mike is pretty gorgeous. And I’m not sure, but I think Cody is finally going to get serious with a girl and settle down. Which is the most amazing thing. He is a maniac.”

“Yeah, but Jason isn’t.”

“No, Jason isn’t a maniac. But he’s no saint either.”

“Are you sure, Kate? Because other than the drinking there for awhile, he seems pretty saintly. And he did buy a house next door. I’m sure he has enough money that that’s not that big a deal financially, but he isn’t buying it for status. It’s not that nice of a house. And you do have a child together. Maybe he’s just suddenly decided he’s ready to settle down and he wants to get back together. Whatever made you two break up must not still be an argument. Neither one of y’all look too mad at the other.”

Kate gave her a hesitant smile. “No, mad is really not the word.”

Elise grinned. “What’s the word?”

Kate blushed and shook her head and Elise gave her a full blown smile. “Really? Kate!”

“Elise, it’s not what you think. I mean I know that sounds suspect when I have his son, but we’re really not that way. At least I don’t think we are. I know I’m not. Believe it or not, that one night was the only time I’ve ever been intimate in my life.” She sighed. “I was drunk and didn’t realize what I was doing. I can’t even remember it. It was the only time I’ve been drunk in my life too, I promise.”

“But you were married. There was your husband.”

“I only got married because John needed a way to protect his assets. That’s another long story, Elise, but John was really only my business partner. Realistically, my boss. He was terminally ill and his ex and kids were trying to take everything he had. She would have squandered it, so he put it into a scholarship foundation and married me to tie their hands. We never so much as kissed.”

“Never even kissed?” Kate shook her head and Elise was obviously too floored to speak for a second and then finally asked, “Does Jason know that?”

Kate rolled her eyes and shook her head. “No. It’s not like did you have sex with your husband is much of a question. No one doesn’t have sex when they’re married. And it’s probably not a really pleasant subject anyway.”

With still wide eyes, Elise said, “Man, Kate, you’re life is quite a soap opera! What other funky stories have you lived through?”

Kate smiled self consciously. “None that I want to divulge this morning. Do you want me to watch Gretchen?”

“No.” Elise laughed. “I wanted you to fascinate me with tales of intimacy and intrigue. Y’all should write a memoir. With Jason in it, you could probably make a lot of money!”

“Elise, other than Jason himself, Cody and my mom and sister, you’re the only one who knows who Kennen’s real dad is. It’s pretty private. Please don’t say anything to anyone. You didn’t tell Peggy about us, did you?”

“Heavens no. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t gloat to myself though. But I have to admit I told Mike. But I made him promise not to tell. He’s good for it. And it’s not like it’s not a hundred percent obvious when they’re together.

Kate shook her head and sighed. “I know. I’m doomed. That was one of the reasons I agreed to marry John so Kennen and I would be more respectable as a widow and son instead of an unwed mother and son. But their alikeness blows that all to heck.”

“You worry too much, Kate. There are more important issues to fuss over. You know, world hunger, that kind of thing.”

“That’s easy for you to say, Elise. Do you have any idea how awkward going to church as an unwed pregnant person was? I mean to the world, it’s no big deal, but it should be. It is a big deal. ”

“Kate, stop right there. You can’t worry about appearances anymore. You made a mistake. You’ve moved past it as well as you could and you have to let it go. Focus on the future. All you can do is your best. If someone can’t deal with that, you can’t let that hang you up. So, speaking of the future. What’s going on with Jason really? He’s talking marriage?”

“He may be. I’m not. That’s insane. He didn’t even know about Kennen until day before yesterday.”

Elise’s eyes got huge. “You’re kidding! You’ve got to be kidding!”

Kate shook her head. “No. Cody busted Kennen and me at the grocery store and after he saw Kennen, he told Jason. And no, I can’t entertain you with the intimacy and intrigue. It still hurts too badly and I’d just bawl all the way through the painful details.”

Knowing she sounded like she was going to cry, and that Elise knew it, Kate tried to lighten up. “Let’s take the kids and go to lunch, shall we? My treat. We’ll go to my restaurant.”

“I am all about ribs! Just don’t let me eat more than two. Is Jason not coming today?”

“He’s out of town for a few days. And while he’s gone, I need to find my brain where he’s concerned.”

“I’m not sure what you mean by that, Kate. Do y’all want to explain? Where did the kids go?”

Kate ran a frustrated hand through her curls. “I can’t just fall into his arms, Elise. That would be the dumbest thing on the planet earth. And he’s just a trifle tempting to me.”

Elise laughed. “A trifle? Huh? Have you seen him lately?”

“That’s exactly what I mean. Crud. Look at those two. They’re filthy. Kennen’s been eating a marker again. I’ll bet the walls are beautiful.”

“Personally, I don’t see a problem with falling into his arms. He’s got great arms. And he likes you. Maybe even loves you if he wants to tie the knot. What’s the problem?”

“Of course he loves me. That’s not the point.”

“It’s not? And he does? How come you don’t question that, when you question everything else?”

“He’s loved me since I was fourteen, Elise. I just have no idea how to know if he doesn’t love all the other girls as well. And will he be a stable father? Or will Kennen have to deal with the whole Hollywood lifestyle?”

Elise turned and put her hands on her hips and said in a sassy southern drawl, “Girl, you have got it all backwards and upside down. I’m sure he doesn’t talk marriage to every girl he sees. Did you catch him sleeping with someone? Is that what this is all about?”

“No! Of course not.”

“Then cut him some ease, Kate! I can promise you he isn’t perfect, because none of us humans are. But you’re killing yourself. Do you realize you’re not allowing yourself to enjoy him because you’re afraid something will come up to make things unenjoyable? That’s defeating yourself before you’ve even begun. You have a kid together. It’s not like if you dare to take a chance something big could go wrong. A kid is as big as it gets. And apparently it went way wrong. And y’all still love each other. Forget the other women. He’s a superstar. They will drool. So what? That doesn’t make him unfaithful. Does it?”

“You make a killer argument, Elise, but you don’t really know him.”

“Honey, as long as he’s been in the public eye, if there was any truly good dirt, don’t you think someone would have found it?”

“Yeah.”

“You know Kate; it’d be easy to find out if he’s serious. All he has to do is ask you to marry him and then do it. He won’t if he’s not. As long as you don’t do anything terribly foolish before he proves himself, you’ve got your answer.”

Kate nodded thoughtfully and finally Elise asked, “Here’s the real question, Kate. You believe in God right?”

“Yes, of course.”

“And that God tries to guide us with personal inspiration for our own issues.” Kate nodded. “And you say you’ve known Jason all your life. So, in your truly knowledgeable opinion, backed up by personal inspiration from God himself, is he trustworthy?”

“God? Or Jason?”

“Jason, you noodle head. Of course God is trustworthy. Is Jason?”

“Yes. I . . . I  . . . I think so.”

“And what do you want? What does Kate really, truly want?”

Kate closed her eyes as they began to tear.
Oh, that is too hard of a question.
She hesitated for several seconds as she tried to face the real answer to that and then whispered, “I want to be with Jason.”