Fakebook (21 page)
Authors: Dave Cicirelli
And that day, after a really great night out with a smart and beautiful girl, I understood why. I realized Facebook has turned us into collectors of moments. And at times, actual experiences can just be a step toward the real goal of preserving the memory and placing it on display. Despite what I'd like to believe, my night out with Dhara didn't feel more special because it belonged to just the two of us. Instead, it felt diminishedâlocked away where it could never be validated on my wall. It wasn't a private memory, but a missed opportunity.
I looked up from my phone and swiveled my desk chair, taking a glimpse at my ice skates tossed in the corner of my living room. I was being melodramatic. A bittersweet smirk flashed across my face.
“It went well,” I texted my secret foil. “If only it counted.”
I fell asleep while writing this.
JANUARY 16: On the Road Againâ¦
I know I barely posted last week, and I'm sorry. I had a lot to sort through. Frankly, I needed the break. I've been back and forth with Kate and with my life, and I didn't want to say anything that I could be called out on later. Everything's on record. I didn't trust myself enough to post.
Anyway, last Sunday I won a LOT of money on the Jets, Ravens, and Cardinals games. Being from NJ, going to Rutgers, and living in Glendale paid off, ha. I'm a lot more reckless than I used to be.
But my whole life is a gamble right now, so what the hell. I've rolled the dice and made 2,000 bucks. TAX FREE! J-E-T-S!
So now I have 2 grand in my pocket. A woman who I don't know what to think of, and what to do with, and a bow tie tattoo that is in its bleeding phase.
The world is my oyster.
I'm so tired. haha.
I gave Kate a “severance package”â¦made the whole relationship feel cheap. But I just didn't have it in me to boot her with nothing. So I bought her off with $500 dollars for her troubles. That should get her on a train or whatever. Or maybe she'll go find that dude again. They can have a wild night out on me.
I'm going west. Then maybe north to Canada.
Do I need a passport to get in? The Olympics are in Canada, could be funâ¦Anywhere but here man. Anywhere but here.
Matt Campbell
Is that a Willie Nelson reference? Two weeks in the Arizona sun took you from daft punk to country music? Kudos on the kick to Kate. Long time comin. What's your mode of transportation this time?
yesterday via mobile
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Steve Cuchinello
Go North to Vancouver. If you can figure out how to screw up the Canadian hockey team's chances for winning gold in the Winter Olympics in a few weeks you could have a statue of your bust mounted in Washington, DC (bow tie included). What more could you want? Forget about Kate and go serve your country.
yesterday via mobile
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Dave Cicirelli
I will go where the desert coyote tells me. I may go south and dive into the chaos of life or maybe I'll go to the north, and embrace the purity of frozen snow.
yesterday via mobile
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Dave Cicirelli
I'm seriously thinking of turning around and finding Kate. This walk is so lonely.
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Ted Kaiser
Maybe you should call one of Jonathon's other daughters.
23 hours ago via mobile
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Mark Cicirelli
hubba hubba
23 hours ago
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Dave Cicirelli
I'm a little concerned that none of the girls are trying to stop meâ¦aren't any of you just a little jealous? I mean I'm an unemployed drifter with an art degree. Haven't I proven myself as a provider?
4 hours ago via mobile
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Dave Cicirelli
To all the people who think I'm making a mistake:
I'm just looking for love, and couldn't find it at the Jersey Shore. Just like Snookers.
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Roger Kapsi
LOL
4 hours ago via mobile
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Matt Riggio
Dude, you're losing it.
4 hours ago via mobile
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Dave Cicirelli
I'm finding it, buddy. I'm finding it.
4 hours ago via mobile
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Ted Kaiser
Kate is probably coked out in a bar bathroom after a weekend-long drug and alcohol bender with two guys named Larry and Mason.
about an hour ago via mobile
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Dave Cicirelli
Ted, you are the worst human being alive. Eat shit, Ted.
32 minutes ago via mobile
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Ted Kaiser
You're right. That was harsh. But you need to move on. It's over. She was bad news.
26 minutes ago via mobile
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Dave Cicirelli
You don't know what it's like manâ¦She ripped the heart right out of my chest and churned it into butter. Please stop treating my life like some silly game.
Do you think my life would have turned our better if I got into the National Honors Society?
26 minutes ago via mobile
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Jessica Kouvel Munch
i have been quietly following your journey. well, except for when i get together with Red Bank friends and we discuss your life and adventures. nice, right? But anyway, I just have to say, you are so freakin' clever. you're completely heartbroken, and you manage to make awesome pop culture references, this amazing play on words (churned your heart into butter), and then, to top it off, bring back these crazy memories of ridiculousness from high school (aka the huge hullabaloo from certain people getting in or not getting into national honor society). love it.
22 minutes ago
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Dave Cicirelli
Humor is my coping mechanism :)â¦:)
less than a minute ago via mobile
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A quick Google search told me that Lobby Bar at the Royalton Hotel was the only spot between our offices with a fireplace. It was a perfectâalbeit priceyâchoice for a cold late-January weeknight. The warmth of the fire validated the expense, as did the way Dhara sat close to me as we sipped our over-named cocktails.
“This place is really nice,” she said.
“Yeah, I come here all the time.”
“You think you're pretty classy for a guy who still plays with action figures.”
“Whoaâ¦whoaâ¦whoa,” I said in faux outrage. “First of all, I do promotional marketing for the toy industry. It's an eleven-billion-dollar-a-year category, and next month's Toy Fair is its biggest annual event⦔
“You better camp out,” she continued to tease, “so you can be the first to get your little toys.”
“Collectible figurines.”
“So,” she said with a pause, “there's a holiday coming upâ¦Should we celebrate it?”
“Presidents' Day?”
“Yeah, goober. Let's have a candlelit Presidents' Day dinner⦔
She repositioned herself a little closer. My chin now rested just above her head and my arms were able to hold her around the waist. I could faintly smell the scent of her shampoo. “Yeah. I mean, we've only seen each other a few times, but a Valentine's date could be kind of fun.”
“Yeah, for sure,” I saidâswayed simply by her asking.
After another hour of cocktails and playful if somewhat cautious conversation, the night ended with one-dollar pizza slices and a long kiss good night.
I couldn't help but feel a sense of satisfaction. I was dating a beautiful, intelligent woman and made my living drawing superheroes. Things were finally going according to planâ
exactly
according to plan, just as I wrote when I was thirteen. I couldn't have made up a better lifeâ¦so to speak.
And yet, part of me couldn't shake the feeling that none of this counted because it wasn't on my wall. It's funny how the fiction of Fakebook made my real life feel, somehow, less real.
Don't get me wrong. I was plenty happy to just be with Dhara, but I wouldn't have minded being seen with Dhara. I wish I was mature enough to not care at all about what other people thought, but I did care a little. I mean, for the first time in my life, every girl I had ever liked was paying attention to meâand I was with someone who would make every one of them jealous. Instead they saw my desert-heat-driven descent into madness:
Dave Cicirelli
I'm so damn lightheadedâ¦I really feel nasty.
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Kristen Scalia
Dave, just think, if you were home i would say “hey, come over, we can eat our troubles away with a couple pounds of cheese”â¦come back soon? :(
2 days ago via mobile
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Ted Kaiser
you know, these symptoms below are pretty close to what you're sounding like. I'm not suggesting anything, I'm just sayingâ¦
Symptoms of gonorrhea usually appear 2â5 days after infection, however, in men, symptoms may take up to a month to appear.
Other Symptoms of Gonorrhea:
Fever, night sweats. Muscular aches, and extreme fatigue.
Nausea, feeling sick over certain smells, or foods. Lightheaded and dizzy. Feeling shaky inside and “not well.” A strong inner sense of something being very wrong with your body. Listen carefully to your body, it is seldom wrong.
2 days ago via mobile
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Dave Cicirelli
Gonorrhea? I thought Godzilla killed that bastard years ago and became the undisputed king of monsters! Don't fuck with that Ted.
2 days ago via mobile
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Steve Cuchinello
?????? You alright Dave? That made no freakin sense what-so-ever.
2 days ago via mobile
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Dave Cicirelli
I'm laying on a rock. I'm a lizasd. Iraq. I rock. iRock. Hahahaha.
yesterday via mobile
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Pete Garra
Dave I'm afraid you've lost your mind. You must remember to drink lots of water in the desert.
yesterday via mobile
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Dave Cicirelli
People are after me because I know the secret of the ooze.
yesterday via mobile
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Joe Moscone
ok, now i'm on board with the Gonorrhea theory
yesterday via mobile
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Dave Cicirelli
Wowâ¦Found this pic in my phone. Maybe people are right, and I should turn backâ¦That would have been an awful ending for Dave Cicirelli.
Oh, and by the way, I've been in the hospital since late last night. Apparently I was dehydrated, making me susceptible to some sort of flu. I was found naked and having fever hallucinationsâ¦I don't know where half my stuff is, including the laptop. What a mess.
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Joe Moscone
Ho.Ly.Shit! Dude, yeah it's time to come home. WTF do you look like today bc this is horrible. time to come home. all joking aside, enough already.
4 hours ago via mobile
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Ted Kaiser
Maybe its time to end the silliness and come home? I told Eckhoff we shoulda driven out to Amish country when u were there. We let you get too far. It is our fault. We wanted to give u some space on the journey but what were we thinking? We shoulda drove out to PA, dragged your ass away from Jonathon and Kate, threw u in the car, and drove u back to Michael Drive to sort out ur life. Maybe we ought to consider finding u in Arizona or wherever the heck u are
4 hours ago
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Elizabeth Lee
Omg feel better! U need to take better care of urself!
4 hours ago via mobile
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Dave Cicirelli
If I turn back now, what was it all for?
4 hours ago via mobile
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Christine Clericuzio
Don't listen to themâsuccess falls only one step short of where failure overtakes you! Come home only if YOU want to, not because other people think you should! Strange pic to share, uhm thank you?
3 hours ago via mobile
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Danny Ross
you might have had a rough night, but at least you are still, and always, dapper.
3 hours ago via mobile
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Joe Moscone
This pic is still freaking me out. You look like a pug in distress.
2 hours ago via mobile
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Alula Medhen
fuck that, keep heading west till you find a chippendales and use that money-maker to make some bank
2 hours ago via mobile
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Ted Kaiser
on second thought, ill stay away from Arizona to keep from catching whatever it is u have. in fact, it might be best if u continue ur ridiculous journey rather than bringing ur infection/flu/disease or whatever it is, back to NJ.
about an hour ago via mobile
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Brian Eckhoff
if you're going to try, go all the way. otherwise, don't even start.
about an hour ago via mobile
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Dave Cicirelli
That's really moving, Phil. Thank you.
I'm a believer in that old philosophical question:
Can a man walk in the same river twice? Every passing moment, the river has changedâ¦and so has the man.
about an hour ago via mobile
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Joe Moscone
I agree with you, Dave. I think when you return to Jersey, you must march into the center of Midgetville and declare yourself their King.
3 minutes ago
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Dave Cicirelli
I told you that dream in confidence, Joe.
less than a minute ago via mobile
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Chris Mitarotondo
i'm disappointed in you. if you were a real man, you would have ran across the country like Forrest Gump did. i think you're just dogging it. i see right through you.
less than a minute ago
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Steve Cuchinello
Wow. Maybe we can hire that private defense company Wasco is working for at Guantanamo Bay to take a chopper out to the desert and pick your diseased ass up. How close are you going to flirt with death before this isn't worth it anymore?
just now
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Such is life. It was cruel but necessary to drive Fake Dave into such a dark place. This extended hospital stay would marginalize himâdrive him off the grid so I could devote a little time to the real world.
The truth is, it was all starting to become more than I could handle. The stresses of my personal, private, and fictional lives were mounting. As fun as it sounds, the upcoming Toy Fair and the long leads for the summer blockbuster season made February the most professionally demanding month of my year. It barely left me any time or desire to power up Photoshop on the weekends and create the false evidence of a bohemian lifestyle.
Not to mention Dhara. Ignoring any weird pang of regret about my ill-timed privacy, I knew a real girl was more important than a fictional one. We were at a delicate juncture in our young relationship, and I really didn't want to blow it.
The bottom line was, I had a tough job, a real girl, and a fake life. Each of these was in competition with the others, and one of them was going to have to be neglected. I couldn't keep diffusing my focusâI needed to prioritize. This became especially necessary the day I got a letter from the State of New York.
“You have jury duty?”
My boss's voice traveled out of her doorless office and into the newly renovated graphics bullpen. The bullpen unified the previously dispersed department into a single open room. We weren't yet used to seeing each other all day long. Nor were we used to all of our unique relationships merging into a single dynamic. The adjustment left things a littleâ¦raw.
“Yeah,” I told her. “Grand jury.”
“Your timing sucks,” she said in a tone I interpreted as blame.
“It's not my timing.”
“Yeahâ¦I know,” she said flatly, with a trace of fatigue. “It's just that the deadlines aren't going to change, whether you're in the office or not, you know?”
“Bossâ¦if I get picked, I can still work all morning and put whatever I don't get done on a portable hard drive and work at night. I'll pull my weight. But either I go to court or I go to jail.”
“Well, just try not to get picked.”
“I'll do what I can.”
As it turns out, there is no screening process for a grand jury, and I couldn't do a thing.
A dollar bag of cashews and a Gatorade are no kind of lunch. Especially if they're eaten at the same subway station where you bought them. Still, that was all I had time for during the fifteen-minute ride to the courthouse on Centre Street, and the combo would soon become routine. I arrived with just enough time to run a hard drive full of tomorrow's deadlines through the courthouse security's x-ray machine and find my way to the assigned room.
When I walked into the courtroom, I was struck by how little theater there was to it. With its drop-down ceilings and fluorescent lights, the space resembled a small lecture hall. I chose my seat in the front row, becoming Juror 9.
To the left of me was Juror 10, quietly studying from her textbook, though she looked slightly too old to be an undergrad. She was tall and slender, maybe five-foot-eight, with the type of slim figure that was meant for the fashionable clothes she was wearing. With blue eyes and light brown hair against a porcelain complexion, she was very pretty and, to be honest, the reason I chose that seat.