Faith, Honor & Freedom (15 page)

I strut over to where Marsha is talking to Phil and Luke. She’s pushing her giant tits at them and trying her hardest to seduce either of them. I can’t stand girls like Marsha, but for tonight, I need to do a lot more than stand her. Fuck!

“Marsha,” I say, giving her a cocky grin. She spins around eagerly, grabbing a hold of my arm.

“Weston! Raging party,” she says in a completely phony voice.

“It was,” I slur, “I think it’s time for a private party now, though,” I whisper in her ear. She giggles, and it sounds like a high-pitched bird gasping for air.

I look around for Lana, hoping that seeing me leave with her will be enough, but she isn’t around. I grab a hold of Marsha’s hand and lead her to the hammock in the back yard. It’s Lana’s favorite place to lay out and read, and I know it’s just the right level of prick to keep her at arm’s length. The thought of hurting her is keeping my dick flaccid, and I know that’s going to have to change soon.

I lay Marsha down in the hammock, and hover myself over her. She’s talking a mile a minute, and I just want her to shut up, so I kiss her. Nothing sweet, nothing with heat, just enough to keep those lips from flapping while I do what I need to do. I reach down under her dress, and rub my hand up her thigh. I slip a finger inside of her. She’s wet and ready, and normally that would turn me on, but knowing Lana wants me, makes every other girl in the world pale in comparison. I pull back and look down at her, and she nods her eager approval. I feel like a dick for using her like this, but I tell myself it’s for Lana. She needs this, so she can have a good life.

I slip her underwear off, and pull my limp dick out of my pants. Shit, this isn’t going to work. I kiss Marsha again, and she kisses me back greedily. I close my eyes, grab my dick and start jerking, praying I can at least get it hard enough to make it believable. I think of Lana’s soft lips, wrapped around it, and it happens in seconds. Hard as a fucking rock. Go figure.

I grab a condom out of my pants pocket and slip it on before entering her. I keep my eyes tightly shut, scared that if I open them and realize I actually am fucking Marsha, and not Lana, I’ll go limp again. I continue to pound into her, over and over. I feel her come, but I don’t stop. I hear the exact moment Lana sees me, but I keep my eyes shut. She lets out a pained gasp and slams the screen door shut again. I fake a release and roll off of Marsha. “Thanks babe,” I utter, doing up my pants.

I hear Marsha call after me as I start to walk home, but I don’t answer her. Call me a fucking prick, because I am one, but that was the night I truly accepted that Lana would never, and could never be mine. She deserved the world, and I could never give her that.

“Weston, are you all right?” I hear from somewhere near me. I open my eyes, and find Lana standing in front of me, a concerned expression on her face. Leave it to Lana, fucking worried about me, even after I disgraced her brother’s memory and walked out on her last night.

“What do you want, Lana?” I clip. I feel like a dick for being short with her, but having her here in my office, makes me want to swipe everything from on top of my desk, bend her over and fuck her hard. My dick jumps in response at the thought, and it pisses me off even more.

“I need your help,” she says, and I notice her face is tear-streaked with mascara.

“I think I gave you enough help,” I retort and watch as pain overtakes her face. I wait for the snappy comeback she always delivers, but it doesn’t come. Shit. I either really fucked up or this is about something else entirely. “What’s wrong, Lana?”

“I can ask someone else if you want. I just thought maybe … shit this was a bad idea,” she says, turning toward the door.

Unconsciously, I reach out and grab her arm. “I’m sorry,” I say, turning her to look at me. That’s when I really notice her. Her eyes are red and puffy, and she looks heartbroken. The thought that I might’ve had something to do with it tears me in two.

“I need to find someone,” she says, shocking me.

“Who?”

“A teenage girl. She looked about fourteen, but said she was sixteen. She also told me her name was Jade Comeau, but a client of mine said she told her that her name was Carla. Blonde hair, green eyes,” she says, looking at me, desperately.

“How do you know this girl, Lana?”

“I helped her give birth last night.”

So that’s why she wasn’t there when I stopped by to bring her breakfast this morning. I may have wanted to keep my distance, but I couldn’t let her starve. I was also about two seconds away from caving and fucking her brains out again. I was pretty relieved she wasn’t there.

“Where at?”

“The hospital.”

“Well wouldn’t they know who she is, and more importantly, wouldn’t she still be there?” I ask, a little too sharply.

“Do you think I would be standing here in front of you, asking you to help me find her if she was? Jesus fuck, Weston, I know rejection when I see it. I’m not here to beg you to fuck me again—I’m asking you to help me find a homeless teenager who left her sick baby in the hospital.” I watch as the tries to hide the pain in her eyes, but I see it. It’s there because of me. Just like Rhett said, I broke her fucking heart. I wish he were here to kill me for it, too.

“Okay,” I say, sitting back down in my chair. “But I’m going to need more to go on than an alias, an approximate age, and hair and eye color, Lana.”

“That’s all I’ve got right now,” she says, looking defeated.

“I’ll do what I can. I’ll call some shelters and churches in the area, ask them to keep a look out, but this is a long shot.”

“I’ve got the churches covered.”

“Okay,” I say, walking over and opening my door. I need some air, because it’s getting pretty hard to fucking breathe in here. Parker takes that moment to come barging into my office.

“He got another one,” he says, before glancing over at Lana.

“Where at?” I clip out, bile rising up my throat.

“Breggren Drive, you coming?

I glance back at Lana hastily, and she nods her head, urging me to go.

“I’ll meet you there,” I say, looking to Parker. He doesn’t bother saying a word, just turns and runs.

I grab my jacket off the chair. “Are you sure you’re okay? As soon as this is done, I’ll put those calls out.” She nods again, and it takes every-fucking-thing in me to not pull her into my arms and tell her everything is going to be okay. Instead I turn, and rush out of my office and down toward my truck. Fucking Christ, I’m going to a murder scene, and I still can’t manage to get Lana out of my head.

Chapter 11

I watch as Hoss rushes out of his office and through the station without a second glance in my direction. I get that murder trumps abandoned baby, and that doesn’t upset me. As much stress as I have resting on my shoulders right now, all I wanted was for him to sweep me up into his arms and tell me he’s sorry, that he made the biggest mistake of his life. Instead, it feels like he wanted to bolt, even before Parker showed up. He opened his door as if to push me out of his office … and out of his life.

I run my fingers through my hair and let out an exasperated sigh. What the hell am I supposed to be doing about Jade right now? Is there anywhere else I can check for her? Shit, I’m in no position to be helping her; my life is complete chaos right now as it is.

I leave the station, waving to most of the officers left in the building as I pass. I hate the melancholy that appears in their eyes when they see me, so I try and keep my smile welcoming. I know they all loved my brother, too, and that makes it harder for all of us. I’m just a reminder of what can go wrong, of what they’ll be leaving behind. It’s a dangerous job, and even the best cops sometimes lose their lives.

I climb in my jeep and wind up returning to the hospital to see my best friend. If anyone’s going to know what to do, it will be my other half. I check Vi’s room, but she’s not there. I steal Gavin from the nurse for a quick cuddle before walking down to the cafeteria, where the nurse informs me she went to eat.

“Hey Vi,” I say, slipping into the opposite side of the booth. She looks at me inquiringly, and takes a bite of her burger.

“What’s up?” she asks when she finishes chewing.

“She ran,” I answer, biting my lip. I promise myself I won’t cry again, not in the middle of this cafeteria at least.

“What? Little bitch!” Violet cries a little too loudly.

“Violet, shh. And she is not. She’s a frightened teenage girl.”

“Well, she at least took the baby, right?” I shake my head and watch as her mouth drops. “She must be coming back.”

“I hope so, too, although the nurses didn’t sound so optimistic. In her defense, the baby is two pounds; she couldn’t exactly grab her and run.”

“Lana, that’s just terrible. Did they call social services yet?”

“I’m guessing. That poor baby. I swear Violet, I want to hate Jade for abandoning her, but how can I? She’s young and scared. I’m sure it will all be okay once we find her, and I’m able to reassure her.”

Violet nods slowly, looking unconvinced. “Shit. Did you want any help finding her?”

I shake my head. “No, you’ve got enough on your plate. That pint-sized man up there needs you more than I do. How’s he doing now?”

“Still good. I got a smile earlier. I know, I know, everyone keeps telling me it’s just gas, but whatever, I feed him, I put the gas there, therefore, I made him smile,” she says, positively glowing.

I laugh at her logic. “I love you, Vi. A few years ago, I would have never known what a great mother you’d make. Now, I can only hope to be half as great as you are.”

“You will be. You’ll be a show off.”

“Thanks. I’d better get back up there and talk to the nurses. See if they need anything from me, or if she gave them any information on where she might go.”

“Sounds good. Text me, okay?”

I nod and slip out of the booth.

“And Lana, I know how you get—don’t be distraught about this. There is nothing you could have done to make her stay. I just thank God she had you in her life, to make it to the hospital and deliver that baby safely. Can you imagine if she gave birth in some alley? That little baby wouldn’t be alive right now.”

“Thanks bestie,” I reply weakly.

She gives me a warm smile, and we say our goodbyes. I know Violet’s right, but it still hurts to know that what I did wasn’t enough. The baby survived and so did Mom, but look at them now—a homeless mother with a shattered heart, and a baby with no family.

I use the bathroom and fix my makeup. Something I probably should have done ages ago.

I decide to go and chat with her nurses on the labor and delivery floor first. I ran out of there like a bat out of hell, and I should probably explain myself. I make my way to the nurses’ station and am thankful it’s the same nurses on shift. I wait uneasily until one turns my way.

“Lana,” she says sympathetically. “I’m so glad you’ve come back. We were worried about you.”

“Ah, sorry,” I say worriedly. “I just wanted to try and find her before she got away.”

“Did you?” she asks optimistically.

“No, no I didn’t. I’m still looking, though. Are you convinced she’s not returning? Did she say where she was going? Why she was leaving?”

“No, she didn’t. She did leave this letter for you, though,” she says. I look up at all of the nurses staring back at me.

“She what?” I ask, stunned.

She left you a letter. I have no idea what it says, but she said it was imperative we gave it to you. I completely forgot when you were up here earlier. I was actually searching out your phone number so I’m glad you stopped by.”

“She’s probably still trying to work out a payment plan. I told her it was fine, but I’m guessing she’s a girl who’s never had anything handed to her before either.”

She nods, compassionately, before walking over to the desk and selecting an envelope that contains my letter. “I guess she got the paper and envelope from the nurse last night after you went home to sleep.”

“Thanks,” I say, accepting the letter. I give her a hug and say goodbye. I tuck the letter in my purse, and walk down to the NICU to say goodbye to the baby and to the nurse who’s taking care of her. I scrub up and make my way to her bedside.

“How’s she doing?” I ask, peering into her incubator. Her breathing tubes are all out, and I’m finally able to see her face—cute button nose, sandy blonde hair, and dark blue eyes. She’s tiny and fragile looking still, eyes hollowed out, and no fat on her cheeks. Hopefully they’ll be able to plump her up some.

“She’s doing all right, she’s still getting all of her nutrition through an IV, but with any luck, tomorrow or the next day we will be able to start feeds, and get her to gain some weight. Her blood count is also low, so the doctors are looking at giving her a transfusion. It’s a pretty common thing for preemies, but we do need someone to sign the consent form. Since Jade isn’t here, we have signed her over to Social Services, and they’ll be making the calls on her health care until Jade returns.”

My face blanches, I’m sure. This is it; it’s so real now. “Did you want me to ask if you can still be seen here as a visitor?” the nurse asks.

I contemplate it for a good minute before deciding that when the time came, and she was sent away, it would be too much for me to handle. As much as I want to say yes, my heart is screaming no. It can’t handle the pain of growing attached to a baby, only to have her ripped away as soon as she’s better.

“I think it’s probably best if I didn’t. I’m not sure if I could handle it if I don’t find Jade.”

She nods her head, empathetically. “I understand. I just wish she had someone, anyone here, who could sit with her once in a while and do some kangaroo care. As nurses, we’re not permitted, but we see the effect it can have on these tiny babies every day.”

My chest squeezes tightly as guilt washes over me. The thought of her being at a disadvantage because of my self-centredness is a wake-up call. Still, I’m uncertain. I know it’s not like she will be passing on like Rhett, but once she’s released from the hospital, I won’t be kept up to date on what happens to her. She could live her life from foster home to foster home, without me ever knowing.