Fading (25 page)

"Are you okay?" Ryan asks as he stands up and takes a step toward me.

Feeling a bit flustered, I hold my hands out to gesture to him not to come any closer.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to leave you without you locking the door behind me. You fell asleep, and I didn't want to wake you, so I let you sleep for a while."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Startling easily. I didn't know I fell asleep. I'm just...I was just disoriented." I put my hands down and feeling abashed, I apologize again.

"Candace," he says as he takes a step toward me and reaches his hand to brush back a lock of my hair off of my forehead. My body stiffens at his touch, and he quickly pulls his hand back.

"I'll lock the door behind you," I say to rush him out.

"Let me help you clean this up."

Looking at the pizza box and beer bottles, I say, "I'll do it. It's all trash anyway."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

We walk to the door, and he turns back to look at me. He is standing so close that I have to look up at him. I have never noticed our height difference before now. I'm a little over five feet, so he stands much taller than I do. Looking me in the eyes, he quietly says, "I want you to feel comfortable with me."

There is something about the look on his face that's telling me he feels strongly about this, and I whisper, "I know," because I think I feel the same way.

"Okay. So, we'll talk later?"

Nodding my head, I say, "Yeah."

I lock the door behind him after he leaves, and I let out a long sigh. I grab all the trash and dump it in the garbage can then go crawl into bed.

Feeling confused about Ryan, I have a hard time settling back down to sleep. My mind is all over the place, and I am not sure how to sort my thoughts out. Thank God Jase is coming back home tomorrow because I really need to talk to him. For now, I lie in bed, confounded by my thoughts as I stare into the darkness.

Being alone in the house all day is driving me crazy, so I decide to head over to Jase's even though his flight doesn't get in for another two hours. The quiet is just a reminder of how much I miss my roommate. It's almost as if I live alone because we hardly ever interact anymore. I do know that she will be coming back today, I just don't know when. Before this year, we were like sisters. Even though I never really went out with her and her other friends, we always made time for each other and would constantly call and text each other. Now—nothing.

When I get to Jase's apartment, I go lie down in his room. It has been a couple weeks since I have slept here, so his bed is a welcome comfort. I think it will always be a comfort to me. I still have trouble sleeping alone in my bed. Even with the sleeping pills, my nights are restless and filled with night terrors, and I often have flashes of that night when I close my eyes. The flashes aren't nearly as bad as the nightmares, but they are still a constant reminder of the turmoil in my life.

My new friendship with Ryan is not something I expected. Then again, that's what's got me so confused. How can I be so closed off to the world around me, yet feel comfortable with this new person? The fact that he has become good friends with Mark and Jase eases my mind, but the past few days have me questioning a lot.

I jump off the bed when I hear Jase walk through the door. I practically knock him over when I run into his arms. I didn't realize how much I missed him until now.

"I am so glad you're back."

"Everything okay?"

Letting go of him, I smile and say, "Yeah, I just missed you." I take his arm and pull him toward the couch as I say, "I am dying to know everything about your trip. Where's Mark by the way?"

"He just dropped me off. He has an early morning tomorrow, so he needed to go home, unpack, and get laundry done," he says while we sit on the couch.

"Sooo...?" I say and Jase just smiles at me. Nudging him in the arm, I demand, "Come on! Tell me. How was it?"

"Great, actually. His family is nothing like our families."

"Thank God for that," I tease.

"We had a great time. His parents were so accepting of me, which made me comfortable from the moment I arrived. His sisters are a little crazy. We went out with the two of them one night, and they got totally shit-faced, so Mark and I had to sneak their loud asses into the house so they wouldn't wake up his parents. It felt like high school." Jase laughs, and he seems genuinely happy.

"They sound great. I am so happy for you, even though I missed you."

"I missed you too."

"So, it seems you and Mark are pretty serious now."

"I really love him. I was a dick before and thought I had screwed everything up, but I'm glad he gave me another chance. He's pretty perfect for me."

I can't help but smile when I hear Jase talk like this. He has been through a lot to get to this level of happiness.

"Well, for what it's worth, I really love Mark too. He's been a good friend to me, and he has never questioned our friendship, which means a lot to me. He totally gets us," I say.

"I know. He really does, and that makes me love him even more."

I lean in and give him another tight hug and then he asks, "So tell me about your break? How did Thanksgiving go?"

Leaning back, I sigh. "It didn't. I left before the food came to the table."

"What happened?"

"Honestly, it was pretty bad," I say, and I continue to tell him all about the fight and what was said. He shakes his head, but I know he isn't shocked. He has gotten to know a lot about my relationship with my parents over the past three years.

"So has your dad called you?"

"No, which worries me. He always calls to try and brush everything under the rug."

"So, you've just been laying low then?" he asks.

I fidget when he asks, and he picks up on it immediately when he questions curiously, "What's going on? Why are you nervous?"

"Not nervous...confused really."

"Tell me."

"I actually spent the past couple of days with Ryan."

"Alone?"

I nod my head, and he looks a bit stunned when he asks, "How did that happen?"

"I guess he got my cell number from Mark, and he texted me. We wound up spending all of Friday together and then some of yesterday as well."

"What'd you guys do?"

"We grabbed breakfast, then we went to the aquarium, but I kinda freaked when I left to go home."

"What happened?"

"We were alone in his car, and I was telling him about the fight with my parents, and when he reached over to hold my hand, I panicked."

Jase turns his body to face me when I continue. "He had held my hand earlier, but it was different. We were at the aquarium, and he was trying to get me to touch the sea creatures at the touch pool, but the way he held my hand in the car was just...I don't know. Anyway, I acted like a maniac. I couldn't get out his car fast enough. I just left without really saying anything."

"What did he do?"

"Nothing. He didn't say anything. But I was really shaken and cried the whole drive home."

"Because he touched you?" he questions.

"I mean...I felt panicky when it happened, but I think I was more upset because I felt that way. Am I making any sense?"

"Yeah. I just don't like that you beat yourself up for having feelings," he says, and he takes my hand in the both of his.

"I hate that there are these random moments that come out of the blue, and I can't hold myself together. But that isn't the worst of it."

"What?"

"He surprised me at my house last night after I had taken my sleeping pill. We ate dinner and were watching a movie, and the next thing I knew, I was waking up with my head in his lap. I totally freaked, Jase."

"What did Ryan do?"

"He just apologized, then I apologized, and then we had this weird moment when he was leaving. I just don't know what to think."

Shaking his head in confusion, Jase asks, "Let me get this straight, so he comes over and you let him stay with you...alone?"

"I know, but he actually made it comfortable for me. I mean, we had a fun night, but before he left, he brushed some hair out of my face. I know this may sound stupid, but it felt extremely tender, and now I'm confused because he's my friend."

"Are you confused because he's your friend, or are you confused because it feels wrong?"

Jase is still holding my hand, and I lean the side of my head on the couch. Sighing, I say, "I know you don't understand, but it doesn't feel right. It just doesn't feel right to be having any feelings like this."

"So, you like him?" he quietly asks me.

Whispering back in hesitation, I say, "I don't know." I close my eyes and sit there for a moment. My thoughts are all over the place, and when I open my eyes back up, a few tears fall. "I just can't be feeling like this."

"Why not, sweetie? I mean, if Ryan makes you feel safe enough to be alone with him, why is it so wrong to feel something for him, if for only that?"

"Because...he can't even touch me without me constantly freezing up and being scared. I feel so pathetic and weak, and I hate it. I hate that I feel like this—every day. I try so hard, Jase." I feel myself cracking as I cry and continue to say, "Every day I do everything I can just to hold myself together, and when I think I'm finally getting past this, something happens, and I am reminded just how weak I am. And I don't know what to do. I just wish I knew what to do, but I don't." Jase pulls me into his arms as I cry harder, and he just holds me. "I just want to move on, I want to feel like I used to. I mean, it's been three months of hell. I just want to go back. I should have never gone to that party. All I want is to forget. Just forget everything."

"Three months isn't enough, sweetie. It's just not enough. No amount of time will ever be enough for you to forget, for you to go back completely." Jase pulls back to look at me, and I can't stop myself from apologizing. Shaking his head at me, he gives me a smile, and suddenly I feel a little stupid for my tears. I know he is trying to cheer me up and lighten the mood when he teases me by saying, "So, Ryan has a thing for my girl."

"Shut up," I tease back.

"Seriously though, I want to see you happy. And if hanging out with Ryan makes you feel good, then you shouldn't question it. Don't stand in the way of your own happiness."

Cupping my face with his hands, he gives me a kiss. Hopping off the couch, he pulls me up and starts walking to his room.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"Sleeping. I'm so tired, and I've missed you."

"But I've got an early class tomorrow."

Jase starts getting ready for bed when he says, "Skip."

I stand there and laugh at him, but I comply because I've missed him too.

This week has gone by really fast. I did wind up skipping my morning classes on Monday to spend time with Jase instead. Aside from that, I have been really busy with the quarter coming to an end shortly. Ryan has been texting me throughout the week, and we went running again Thursday morning. We decided to make it a routine to run together on Thursday mornings before I go to school.