Exposure (8 page)

I
sent
Scarlett a long email from the limo. I explained that I would be staying with Asher for a little while, and I left his address and his cell phone number in case she wanted it. I also promised to contact her every day, so that she didn’t worry.

And that was really the only person that I had to tell about my new arrangement. My mother wasn’t talking to me, and hadn’t said one word to me since my brother died. My sister was the same. They both completely blamed me for what had happened, and they said as much, point-blank.

So, the upshot of that was that, the entire time I was in the mental hospital, I was in there completely alone. No support system. I guess I really should have told Scarlett about it, but I felt too embarrassed to do so. She was like Asher, in my mind – she had it all, and I felt almost competitive with her. I didn’t want her to know that I had suffered a complete and total breakdown like that.

Of course, she
did
know that I suffered a complete breakdown, no matter how much I tried to hide that fact from her. She knew it because I couldn’t leave the house anymore without going Defcon One ballistic. So, there you go. You can’t always hide your failings from the people who truly love you, no matter how much you think that you can.

Asher was right next to me in the limo, looking over some expense reports or something of the sort. I wasn’t really paying attention, but he was clearly lost in thought. He thoughtfully tapped his pen against his chin while he looked over the reports, and started to mumble to himself a little bit.

“Sorry,” he said, addressing me. “I talk to myself quite a bit. I guess you should probably know about my foibles now, because you’re going to find out about them soon enough.”

“Talking to yourself isn’t a foible,” I said. “It’s human. I talk to myself constantly. I also sing along to every song I love, even though I couldn’t carry a tune to save my life. And I often find myself dancing in the aisles of grocery stores. Or at least, I used to, back when I was actually able to go to grocery stores.”

He smiled. “Are those the only eccentricities that you’re going to cop to?”

“Aside from the fact that I can’t leave the house without generally going ape-shit?”

“Touché,” he said.

“And what about you? Is talking to yourself the only eccentricity that you’re going to cop to?”

“No,” he said. “There are many more. I’m sure that you’ll figure all of them out, though, within a matter of days.”

“Hmmm,” I said. “I’m quite sure that you’re a weirdo. Nobody can be that perfect.”

“What do you mean, that perfect?”

“Perfect hair, perfect face, perfect body, perfect cock. Perfect job. Perfect, perfect, perfect. Your demons are hiding somewhere, I’m quite sure.”

He smiled. “You got me pegged, alright. Remember, things are not always as they seem.”

I nodded as I looked out the window. “Okay. Well, I guess I can live with your demons, whatever they are, as long as they don’t compel you to kill me and eat my liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”

He chuckled. “I love that movie. But, no, there’s only one thing I want to eat, CJ, at least when it comes to your body.” He raised both his eyebrows.

I fingered my own clit as I thought about him between my legs again. In a low voice, I said “and what are you waiting for?”

He grinned. “Lie down, CJ,” he ordered, and I did so willingly. I had to compartmentalize, though, the mind-blowing fucking that we were going to do from my emotions. As difficult as that was, I had to do that.
This is only about your pleasure, CJ, not about love or even potentially about love. Just enjoy it.

And pleasure was exactly what it was. His tongue was gentle and commanding, and he put a finger in my ass, further than it had gone prior. I groaned, feeling the tingly and prickling of my synapses and feeling the familiar flush of my body as it had yet another orgasm. The feeling was almost addictive. I had never actually been addicted to anything before, but, if drugs made a person feel as good as Asher was making me feel right at that moment, I could certainly understand the urge to become a junkie.

Actually, at that point, that was what I was. I was a junkie. An Asher junkie. He had the ability to take me to highs that I had never before thought possible.

He also had the ability to make me forget the pain.

His tongue was swirling inside of me, while one of his fingers was making its way ever farther up my ass. I bucked up and writhed and moaned with pleasure. “Fuck me, Asher, please.”

He unbuckled his pants and brought out his cock and sheathed it. He laid down on top of me, his glorious cock centimeters away from my pussy opening. “How about I make love to you instead?”

I shook my head. “Don’t say that. Stop confusing me. Just please, I’m aching for you to fuck me long and hard.”

I arched my back for emphasis. I needed to have him inside of me, filling me up. I needed the release that would give me. I needed to have my Asher fix, and I needed it right that very moment.

But, as always, he was in control. So, he teased me. He laid down on top of me, his cock rubbing up against my clit. But he didn’t put it inside of me. I was swollen, throbbing and aching down there. I felt like my pussy was on fire.

Instead of him putting his rock-hard cock inside of me, though, he just laid there with it right there, rubbing against me. He put my arms above my head, and put his hands underneath my sweater. I wasn’t wearing a bra, so his hands were soon on my naked breasts. He stroked my waist and took off my sweater so that he could lick and suck on my breasts.

I couldn’t stand it. He was so close to entering me, yet he wasn’t. And then he was kissing me, more passionately than he had ever kissed me before. The entire time he was kissing me, though, I could feel his cock resting against me. He was still rock hard, his erection not going down even a little tiny bit.

“Please, Asher, please,” I said. “Please fuck me hard.”

“I’m going to make love to you soon,” he said. “But only after you’re so wild and frustrated that you’ll do anything to have me inside of you. By that time, you’re going to cum as soon as I put my big cock inside of you. But you’re just going to have to wait awhile. Let me enjoy just kissing you for a little while.”

Which is what he did. He kissed me for what seemed like an eternity. The entire time, I could feel him down there, between my legs. He kissed my lips and then made his way around my face and forehead. He was gentle and unhurried. I felt a sense of longing from him as the two of us were in the back of the limo, our bodies melded together on the soft leather seats.

At some point, the limo came to a stop and it apparently was parked in the parking garage of Asher’s building. I heard the driver get out of the car and shut the door, but Asher made no attempt to try to get up and leave the limo.

I looked at him questioningly.

“Just ignore what’s going on around you, CJ. I’m in no hurry to leave this limo, and I hope that you aren’t, either.”

I shook my head. “Oh, God no. I’m in no hurry, either.”

He kissed me again. He had amazing control, because I could still feel his hard cock between my legs. “Good,” he said in a low voice. “Because this is going to be awhile. I’m going to thoroughly kiss you like you’ve never been kissed before. I want your mouth to be completely swollen by the time I get through with you. I want you to be so soaking wet and begging and pleading with me to put my big cock inside of you, but I still won’t. I won’t until you are at the point of completely going crazy for me, and then I’m going to give it to you painfully slow.”

I sighed. I was already at that point. I didn’t think that I could be more swollen and ready for him. I didn’t think that I could feel more frustrated and pleasured at the same time.

But that didn’t matter. We were going on Asher’s timetable, and he apparently was in no hurry.

At some point, he did stop kissing my mouth, and he got down so that his mouth was at my feet. “I’m going to drive you crazy by kissing every inch of you. There will not be a centimeter of your soft skin that will go untouched by my gentle tongue. I’m going to start with your feet.”

He started to suck my toes and the bottom of my feet. It was surprisingly erotic, feeling that. He had my calf in his hand, and he gently but firmly sucked each of my toes. He worked his way up my legs, inch by excruciating inch, and, when he had thoroughly covered my calves and thighs with his gentle biting and sucking, he lifted my ass up off the leather seat.

My breathing started to come heavier and heavier as he put his tongue in my ass. This was probably one of the most erotic and intimate feelings that I ever had. He swirled his tongue around the opening, while his amazing lips were sucking the area greedily. He remained there for a few excruciating minutes, as my pleasure sensors were going through the roof while his licking, sucking and gentle biting were putting me through the roof of ecstasy.

Then, while he was still down there, he put a finger on his other hand on my clit, and I absolutely exploded. I thought that all the other orgasms that I had with this guy were beyond what I could stand, but this one blew the roof off of all the others. I had no idea that I could possibly feel quite that pleasured.

But I still felt greedy. I wanted his cock inside of me. I wanted that more than I had ever wanted anything in my entire life. I wanted him to give it to me. Needed him to give it to me. If he didn’t give it to me soon, I was going to pass out right then and there.

“Oh, Asher, please, please, please. You have to fuck me now and fuck me hard. If you don’t, I don’t know what I’m going to do. Please give it to me now, right now.”

“I’m not done, CJ, licking every inch of you. When I am, I’ll give you my big cock, but not a millisecond before. So, just lay back and enjoy it.”

Then he turned me over, so that I was on my stomach. He made his way slowly up my back with his tongue, and I eventually felt his lips on my neck. He moved my hair aside, and concentrated on licking and sucking my neck. He had spread my legs gently aside so that his cock was, once again, rubbing against my opening. This was more teasing than I had ever thought possible, and all that I wanted to have happen in that moment was that he would thrust inside of me while he laid on top of my back.

But he didn’t. He turned me over again, so that I was on my back, and he licked my stomach and breasts and my arms.

And then, finally, he looked into my eyes and kissed my mouth again. I was driven into ecstasy as his cock made its way slowly inside of me. I was finally getting the major release that I always had felt when he was filling me up the way that he did. I orgasmed immediately, the second he started to thrust into me. That was because I burst, completely burst, and, he came inside me deeper than he had ever been. I didn’t think that I could ever have a man buried that deeply into me.

“Tell me what you want, CJ. Tell me what you want.”

“I just want you, Asher,” I said, and I felt suddenly afraid that I was being absolutely truthful. I
did
want him, but I didn’t just want his body and his cock. I wanted him.

I tried to push down this feeling, though, knowing that it could only lead to ruin for me.

“You have me,” he said. “I’m buried inside of you more deeply than I have ever been. You have me.”

No, Asher, I don’t really have you. I never will, either.

“Fuck me, Asher, please.”

He sped up the rhythm of his thrusting, and I climaxed again. He did, as well, after about a half hour of him gently coming in and out of me. He had alternated that with a faster rhythm, before slowing it down again. Each time, with each hard or soft thrust, I felt my nerves tingling. I felt, with every stroke, that I didn’t want to leave that limo. I never wanted him to stop.

But, of course, it had to come to an end. Sadly. He eventually groaned and laid down on top of me. He held me close, and covered my face and mouth with more gentle kisses. “That was amazing, as usual,” he said. “I wish that we could just stay here all night, but I think that it’s time that we get out and go into our new home.”

I nodded my head. My legs felt completely like spaghetti as I put my clothes on and I watched him do the same.

How was I going to do this? How was I going to share my life with this guy, and have the most amazing orgasms ever with him, and not fall for him?

I had no idea how I was going to do that, but I only knew that I was going to have to at least try. My sanity depended on my ability to stay emotionally detached, and my wallet also depended on it. He needed me to play a part, and I was going to do it.

As difficult as it was, I was going to do it.

T
he day
after I moved into Asher’s place, he surprised me over an amazing dinner that was prepared by Marguerita. She was really a great cook, I had discovered that night. On the menu was some slow-cooked lasagna and garlic bread, and the sauce that was on it was among the best that I had ever had.

“Okay, now, CJ,” he said. “I would like to schedule a dinner party this Friday evening. My ex-girlfriend, Sophie, will be in attendance.”

Sophie the stalker. Okay, I guessed that it was time to put our pretend relationship to the test. After all, that was the reason that I was with this guy. Apparently the only reason, despite the fact that he and I have had over-the-moon sex pretty much non-stop since we got into the apartment. Except, of course, when he was working. While he was working, I visited with Dr. Valence. After my back-sliding at the Lake, it was time to reconvene with her for some more cognitive strategies that might eventually help me be cured for good.

At least, that was the hope.

“Sophie,” I said. “Tell me more about this woman.”

“Well, I might as well prepare you,” he said. “She’s beyond gorgeous. I don’t want you to feel intimidated, because I find you just as gorgeous. But women often do feel inferior to her. Both because of the way that she looks and because of the way that she is.”

Gorgeous. Of course she was. I would imagine that she would be towering over my 5’4”, and probably had a rack as gorgeous as her full and sensuous lips. At least, that was how I imagined her in my head. And I also would imagine that she would be dressed in designer duds – probably carrying a Hermés purse, with Prada shoes and a Stella McCartney dress. She was no doubt a cool blonde, too.

I bet she had never even owned a pair of Doc Martens.

And she certainly probably never had a period of time where she was afraid to leave her own home.

I felt inferior to her already.

“The way that she is,” I said. “Do you care to elaborate on that?”

“She’s a mean girl grown-up,” he said.

And that was really the only thing that he had to say about her. I already knew how she was just by that simple statement. But, nonetheless, I asked him to give me examples.

“She’s just not nice,” he said. “She’ll make snide comments about other women behind their backs, and all of her friends are more frenemies than anything. I don’t think that she has any true friends, just sycophants who want to be around her because of her prestige and wealth. The other women that she hangs with are just like her. They all went to Ivy League schools and were always the leaders. Everyone else were peons.”

“So, she’s kinda your stereotypical snooty bitch,” I said. “Gotcha.”

“Well, yes, but she can be cutting and blunt. I’m just warning you right now. She doesn’t have much of a filter.”

I made a face. “And she is your ex-girlfriend because?” Sophie sounded like a real piece of work, and I had no idea why Asher would be with a woman like that.

He shrugged. “Oh, hell, that’s a good question. I questioned it myself when I was in it. I knew that she and I were toxic together, and I couldn’t stand how she treats people who she feels are beneath her. Which would be just about everyone. We only dated for a matter of months, after which I called it off. She’s been stalking me ever since.”

“Stalking you? I guess I don’t really know what you mean.”

“She shows up places. At work, at clubs, wherever I am, she is. She’s made more than one scene at my place of business, and she’s been scaring off some of my investors. I can’t have that kind of person around, CJ. What I do is too important, and the money that I get from wealthy individuals cannot dry up just because I have a crazy person scaring everyone away.”

“Which why I’m here,” I said. It still rankled that this was a paid position, pretty much. A business arrangement, as he said.

“Yes, that’s where you come in.” He was quiet for a few minutes. Finally, he took a deep breath. “CJ, I don’t want you to be offended at all. But, you probably will be.” He frowned.

“I know. I probably need somebody to come here and teach me my dining etiquette. I never have learned about all those forks and what they’re for. And there’s some proper way to hold a wine glass, too, I know. By the stem, not the round part of the glass, right?”

“Well, that too,” he said. “But I think that you need to get some better clothes.”

“Oh, of course. Better clothes.” I did feel a bit embarrassed, but not really. “Well, then, I guess perhaps you should send one of your personal assistants to go shopping for me.”

“You’re not upset?”

“Nah. I mean, I really don’t care either way. I’m perfectly happy in my ratty clothes, but I suppose that I could clean up pretty well, too.”

“Good, then. I took the liberty to schedule in Marcel, who’s a personal shopper. I would imagine that you’re a size….”

“Six in dresses, four in slacks. In blouses I wear a size medium. Shoes, size 7 ½.”

“Okay, then. I’ll call him and let him know that it’s okay to come over tomorrow and deliver the new clothes, shoes and handbags to you.”

“Ah, now it all becomes clear,” I said.

“What?”

“Why you told me to pack light. You knew that I would be getting all new clothes anyhow.”

“You figured it out,” he said.

“There is one thing that I’m curious about, though.”

He looked at me and said nothing, but, by his expression, he was interested in what I had to say.

“It sounds like you want me to have a whole new wardrobe. I was kinda under the impression that this whole arrangement would be quite temporary. Make this Sophie person think that we’re in love and getting married, which will probably cause her to have a meltdown, from what you say about her. But then, when she gives up and finds her next victim, I can move back into my home and resume my life.”

“Well, it might not be as temporary as you might think,” he said. “After all, we have to put up the ruse for long enough that she does give up and move on. It probably wouldn’t work if we break up right away, in her eyes, because then she’ll just start coming back around and stalking again.”

I sighed. “Asher, I just think that this is going to be harmful to my psyche in the end. The longer I’m here, the more I’m going to get attached. Before you know it, you might have a new stalker. Replace Sophie the stalker with CJ the stalker.”

He put his hand on my cheek, and I reveled in the feeling of the intimacy of the gesture. In spite of myself.

“I know what you’re saying, CJ,” he said. “And the last thing that I want is to hurt you. Please believe me, I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I’ll be okay, Asher,” I said, hoping that I wasn’t lying to myself completely. “I’ll just try to stay detached.”

Asher just took a drink of his wine and said nothing.

Then he changed the subject. “How did it go with Dr. Valence today?” he asked me.

“Great. I think that I might be making some progress, little by little. Before you know it, I’ll be traveling to Europe on assignment or something.”

“Are you able to talk about your little brother?”

“No. I still can’t talk about that to anybody. I couldn’t even talk about that to the shrinks in the mental institution, as much as they tried to get me to spill my guts. I’m too raw. I might always be too raw.”

“I see,” he said. “Well, I know that Dr. Valence won’t push you for a little while. But, eventually, you have to get to the root of your problems, and that would seem to be it. You need to face up to what happened, and come to terms with it. Otherwise, you might always be phobic.”

I knew what he was saying, but I wondered how he knew so much about it. But, one thing was for sure, he was certainly an understanding sort. I didn’t think that any person would have the patience for my issues, except for Scarlett.

“I know, Asher, but I’m just not ready.”

The next pivot in the conversation concerned Scarlett. Asher wanted to know if I had heard from her.

“There’s an email from her, but I’m afraid to open it up,” I said. “I just know that she’s going to be so upset with me. I have a hard time facing up to disappointing people, and I know that she’s going to be very disappointed in me.”

Asher shook his head. “CJ, you have to learn how to face up to things. To meet challenges head-on. If you don’t, then you’re always going to have problems.”

My blood started to boil as I felt that he was lecturing me. “Yeah, okay, Asher. You have something happen to you like what happened to me, and then get back with me, okay?”

“Something did happen to me like what happened to you.”

“You keep alluding to something. Why don’t you just tell me? You know all about my tragedy. I know nothing about you. I mean, I know what you do, where you live. I know that you somehow know exactly how to make a woman cum like nobody’s business. But I know very little else about you.”

“My brother was murdered,” he blurted out. “He was murdered, and my mom was just like you. Afraid to leave the house. She was with him on the street when he was gunned down like an animal.”

His words hung in the air for a few minutes as I tried to process them. “Oh, Asher, I’m so sorry,” I said.

And it all became clear. Why Asher was so understanding of my condition, and why he seemed to know exactly what to do to try to help me out.

“It’s okay,” he said. “It happened a long time ago. But I researched everything I could about agoraphobia. I mean, she had a reason to not want to leave the house, just like you. At first, it was because she was afraid that the people who killed my brother would come for her. That was a logical concern, really, considering she could identify them.”

I got quiet, and just listened to him tell his story. “She was petrified of leaving her house, and I just had to watch her deteriorate with grief and fear. I was only 14 at the time, so you can imagine what that was like. It was bad enough that I would lose my only brother, but I really was losing my mother as well.”

I put my hand on his hand, and wondered how it ever was that I would think that this guy had it all. I should have known better, really. Just because he seemed that he had it all, certainly didn’t make it so.

I felt tears coming to my eyes as he continued. “I didn’t know what to do,” he said. “We had no money. And I mean, no money. So, a therapist was out of the question. I just had to do what I could to try to find out everything about the condition, so that I could try my best to try to help her. She was becoming an absolute shell of herself, and I couldn’t stand it.”

I was almost afraid to ask the next question. “What about your father?”

He chuckled derisively. “What father? He split when I was less than a year old, never to return. I never heard from him again, and I still don’t know where he is, to this day. So, yeah, it was just me, my brother Anton, and my sister, Natalia.” He put his hand in his hair. “Natalia is actually my twin.”

I put my arm around his back. It seemed that he was about to break down crying, but he kept it together. “Where is Natalia? And where is your mother now?”

“I don’t want to talk about Natalia,” he said. “But my mother is dead. She committed suicide on the one-year anniversary of Anton’s murder.”

Grief for Asher poured through me when he said those words. I could see such pain in his eyes, now. It was so very clear that Asher was still broken up about the violent deaths of his brother and his mother.

And I suddenly knew what that tattoo’s meaning was. I remembered that he said that the tattoo said that he wasn’t afraid of death, but that he was afraid to live, and not know why.

I was also afraid for what all this meant. It was clear that Asher tried very hard to save his mother, but it was to no avail. Perhaps that was why he was so interested in me? He couldn’t save his mother, and then he met me, who had the same condition as her. And similar circumstances led to my condition and to his mother’s. Might he be trying to save me, because he couldn’t save her?

I tried to put that thought out of my mind as I sat next to the enigma that was Asher. The thought that perhaps his saving me would be his “reason to live.” That I was a proxy for her.

He shook his head. “I tried so hard to save her. I really did. I wished to God that we could have afforded a therapist. I tried all the techniques and strategies that I read about on the Internet to help her come out of her shell, but she didn’t listen to me. She might have listened to a therapist, though. Somebody who was a trained professional, as opposed to a fourteen-year-old boy.”

I had no words that were adequate, but I managed to croak out “I hope you don’t blame yourself for her death. I’m sure that you did all you could.”

“It was all futile. Completely futile. I was impotent, really. Nothing I did made a bit of difference.”

I wondered about Natalia. About why it was he would have essentially disowned her, when she was apparently his only family. But he made it clear that she was a subject that he didn’t want to talk about. And, considering how much it took out of him to talk about his mother and brother, I didn’t want to push and pry.

“So, you see, I’ve lived anything but a charmed life,” he said. “I’ve had to scrap for everything in this life. And I have the scars to prove it.”

“Yes,” I said. “I always wanted to ask you about that scar on your shoulder.”

He shook his head. “Too much. I’ve told you about my mother, and that’s all that I’m willing to share with you right now. I’m sorry, CJ. But I just can’t tell you everything at once. It takes a lot out of me to talk like this.”

“I understand,” I said. “I truly do. Because I still haven’t been able to talk about what happened to me.”

“Well, that wound is fresh. Mine isn’t. It happened 13 years ago. And I have gotten therapy about it. Dr. Valence was the one who helped me through all the feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Which is why I think that she can certainly help you, too, if you let her.”

If I let her.
I had no idea if I could let her help me, if letting her help me meant that I had to dig into the absolute darkness of my psyche. I was afraid of what would be unearthed. I had been, so far, in absolute avoidance of the darkness that lay beneath. I was running from it, I knew.