Exposure (15 page)

S
carlett returned
to the apartment several hours after I got in with Asher. I heard her come in. “She’s here,” I said to Asher. “I need to go out there and talk to her. She no doubt hates me.”

Asher shook his head. “Why didn’t you call her from the hospital to tell her that you’re okay?”

“I really don’t know the answer to that question. I guess that I was feeling like a basket case, and I didn’t want her to see me like that.” I took a deep breath. “No, that’s not even right. The truth is, I was embarrassed. I knew that she would try to come and see me in the hospital, and I was ashamed of being in there. I didn’t want her to come to the hospital and see me in there with some of the, uh, shall we say ‘less functioning’ patients.”

“But she loves you. She wouldn’t think less of you.”

“I know she does. But Scarlett has lived a charmed life. I don’t think that she would quite understand all of that, nor would she feel comfortable being around it. She would have come to see me, no doubt, but I guess I not only was ashamed but I didn’t want to put her through that.”

“Well,” Asher said, “you do have some amends to make with her. So, I should probably make myself scarce.”

I felt embarrassed, as I realized how much I didn’t want him to leave. I was already feeling a pang, an emptiness, just knowing that he had to go to his home. Still, I just said “yeah, maybe you should.” I smiled. “I’ll miss you, though.”

He kissed my forehead. “I’ll miss you too. And I mean that. I’ll call you later, huh?”

“Okay.”

At that, the two of us went out into the living room. Scarlett was standing there, looking over some bills. She jumped when we came out of the room, putting her hand on her heart. “Oh, my God, you scared me to death,” she said. “I wasn’t expecting you to come out of that bedroom at all.”

“I know,” I said. “And I’m sorry for startling you.” I looked at Asher, and he smiled and kissed me on my forehead.

“I’ll see you, CJ,” he said. “Nice to see you again, Scarlett.”

“You too,” she said as Asher walked out our door.

She looked at me and raised an eyebrow. “Well, the prodigal daughter returns. I was going to try to find a new roommate, but, somehow, your rent got paid up through the entire year, so I couldn’t kick you out.”

I sighed. “I know that you’re mad at me.”

“Mad isn’t the word. Hurt is probably a better one. I thought that we were better friends than that. You just go and live with that guy, leaving me only an email after the fact. Then you go missing somewhere in the city. Asher made a phone call to me asking where you were, and I didn’t know, of course. For all I knew, you were dead in a ditch somewhere. You just disappeared for all these weeks, CJ. Talk about a total lack of respect or consideration for me.”

I took a deep breath. “I know. I’m so sorry. I…”

“Go on,” she said. “You’re trying to say something, so finish your thought.”

Another deep breath. “I was in a place. A safe place. I got help for my problem in there. I had to do it. I’m really sorry, but I didn’t want you to see me like that.”

“Like what? What place were you? A psychiatric facility?”

“Yes,” I said, looking down at the floor. “Yes, it was a psychiatric facility.”

Her face softened. “They helped you, CJ?”

“Yes. Yes, they did. I can go outside now. I mean, really go outside. Go anywhere I want to without feeling like I can’t breathe. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you, though, where I was going or what I was doing. I just thought…”

I paused and she looked at me expectantly. “What was your thought, CJ?” she asked me. “Go on. You’re being so weird right now, I just don’t know what to think.”

“I just thought that, you know, you’re kind of perfect. You don’t have any experience with trauma and loss and that sort of thing. I thought that you might be freaked out by that place, and I knew that you would try to visit me.” I shrugged. “I guess that I was trying to protect you in a way.”

To my surprise, she started laughing. “Oh, God, CJ. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t laugh, but you somehow think that my life is perfect. I thought you knew me better than that.”

“Well, it is,” I protested. “You have a mom and dad who are normal, and your siblings are normal, too. Your brother Austin is a Wall Street banker, and your sister Marie is a Broadway actress. Neither of them seem to have problems with drugs or alcohol. I guess I just see you and your whole family as golden. I’m a mess, or I was a mess, and I just didn’t want you to see me like that.”

“CJ,” she said. “I love you. And, anything that you’re going through, I’ll support you through that. Just because I don’t have first-hand experience with severe dysfunction doesn’t mean that I’ll freak out or think less of you when you’re experiencing something awful. After all, I’ve been the one who has been there all this time. You really need to trust me more, and not shut me out.”

I nodded. “I know, and I’m so sorry.” Another deep breath. “But there was something else, too. Another reason why I didn’t tell you where I was.”

“What was that?”

“I knew that Asher would call you, wondering where I was. And, well, I didn’t want him to find me.”

She nodded. “I see. Probably for the same reason you didn’t want me visiting you, huh?”

“Well, no,” I said. “Asher has gone through a lot in his life, so I knew that he could hang with all of that.”

“Oh really?” she said, looking skeptical. “That rich hunk of sex on wheels has a life that isn’t completely charmed? Okay, whatever you say.” The look on her face said
I’m calling bullshit.

“Well, I don’t want to go into all that. But that really wasn’t why I didn’t want him to find me.”

“Then what was it?”

I felt my face turn red. “I didn’t want to be with him. I mean, I did, more than anything in the world. But I…he told me on the boat that day on the lake that he wanted me to pose as his fiancée. He needed to get this other woman, Sophie, off his back. And he also told me that he didn’t have the ability to fall in love, so I shouldn’t ever expect us to become a real thing.”

“Oh, I get it. That was why you totally freaked out that day, huh?”

“Yes. Well, I was feeling like I wanted to be with him. For real. For keeps. So, I wanted to get away from him before he completely devastated me.”

She nodded her head. “Well, I can totally see that. Anybody would want to be with him. Talk about the total package.”

“Yeah, his package. Oh, my God. It’s freaking amazing.” I shook my head. “Anyhow, we’re off track here. So, yeah, I wanted to get away from him. Especially after his ex-girlfriend called me out in front of his friends. Totally humiliated me. And I was angry with Asher for putting me in that position, too.”

“How did she humiliate you?”

I shook my head. “Oh, God. She just asked me, point-blank, in front of everyone, why I wasn’t in jail for child endangerment.” I felt myself feel sick just thinking of that memory. “So, I’m sorry, Scarlett. I just needed to be away from him, and I knew that he would be looking for me and would call you. And I just thought that you would spill the beans, and he would come and see me at the hospital, and I just didn’t want that.”

“I see. Yet, he was in your bed today.” She raised an eyebrow.

“Yes. Well, he did find me, of course. He put me on his insurance, so, when he got the bill, he knew just where I went. He came to find me, and he told me that he was in love with me. He came to visit me every day after that.”

“Ah. I knew that was just an excuse. If you really didn’t want me to know because I would blab all to Asher, then you would have called me after Asher came to find you.”

“Yeah, I know,” I said. “So, I guess it really was more that I didn’t want you to see me in there because I was embarrassed.”

“Well,” she said, “I forgive you. Just don’t do that again, you creep.” She gave me a hug, and, I felt so relieved, I just started crying. “Don’t cry, CJ. I’m not mad. I’m so sorry that you went through all that, though.”

I nodded my head on her chest. “I know. I really suck.”

She laughed. “You don’t suck. Anyhow, I’m really excited that you’re recovering. And congrats on getting a guy like Asher to fall in love with you. You really scored there.”

I laughed, too. But I wanted to tell her that I was over the moon, but, at the same time, apprehensive. No matter what Asher said, I thought that he was hiding something from me. Something major.

And I had to find out just what that was.

I
was very
nervous as I rode the elevator to the top floor of an enormous downtown high rise. I had actually made an appointment to meet with Sophie, of all people, the day before. I just knew that there was something that Asher wasn’t telling me, and I had to find out what it was.

I had put the engagement ring back on my finger before this meeting. I wasn’t entirely sure, but I had a feeling that Sophie still thought that Asher and I were engaged. When I was in the mental hospital, I had taken off the ring, of course, and had it placed in the hospital safe. From then on, I kept it, and Asher hadn’t asked for it back. I never wore it, though, until this day.

Turns out Sophie was a publicist for some of the biggest names on Broadway. Of course. As if her stunning looks weren’t enough to make me intimidated, not to mention her pissy attitude, her powerful job did the trick. This was a woman who had it all, it seemed, except a modicum of sanity where Asher was concerned.

Of course, I looked out of place amongst all the suits. Not that Marcel didn’t bring me some awesome clothes, because he did. But I always just felt more comfortable in jeans, boots, t-shirts and sweaters. So, I chose comfort over fashion, but, seeing everyone around me dressed in high-dollar suits and dresses, I started to question that decision.

I got into her office suite and announced my name. The receptionist got on the phone and dialed Sophie. “Ms. Jameson will see you,” she said immediately.

I took a deep breath and hoped that this all wouldn’t be too much for my still-fragile psyche. My heart started to pound, and I was feeling the all-too-familiar feeling of panic. But I willed myself to calm down, using the techniques that I learned in the mental hospital, and I was able to follow the receptionist through the maze of offices and into Sophie’s corner office with the amazing view of Manhattan.

She stood when she saw me, and came over to give me her hand. “CJ, it’s so nice to see you,” she said.

I cocked my head, wondering what her game was. She certainly was a decent actress, but I figured that, as a top PR representative, she probably had to be.

“Uh, you too,” I said.

She gestured to a chair. “Have a seat.”

I sat down. “I’m sorry to bother you. I know how busy you must be.”

“Well, of course, it’s always busy. What can I do for you?”

I picked up a paper weight on her desk, contemplating chickening out on the real reason I was there. I considered just saying something like I wanted to network with her, since I was looking for a job, but I thought that she might call bullshit on that.

She was sitting there, just looking at me. I couldn’t get a read on what she was thinking.

“Uh, it’s about Asher,” I said. “You told me at that party that I needed to stay away from him because he’s dangerous. I’ve asked him about that, and he’s been pretty evasive with his answers. I’m getting pretty involved with him, so I guess I need to know about any land-mines that might pop up.”

She smiled. “Land mine is a good term there. Wise choice of words. You don’t know how close you’ve come to the real issues when you used those words.”

That was pretty cryptic, but I let her go on.

She put a finger to her cheek and swiveled in her chair. “You know, I thought that you might be wanting to ask me about this when you called my assistant to ask for a meeting. I must say that I’m surprised, though. I’m sure that Asher’s filled your head with lies about me, so I’m wondering why you would believe anything that I have to say about him.”

I wondered what she was talking about when she said that Asher was lying about her. “Well, I don’t know if he’s lying about you, but that’s not why I’m here. I need to know what you were trying to tell me at the party.”

She narrowed her eyes. “How involved are you with him? I have a feeling that you’re not engaged to him. That was all a ruse, wasn’t it?”

I bit my tongue to keep from saying too much to her. “No, not a ruse,” I said weakly. I put my chin up defiantly. “We’re engaged and very much in love.”

Her green eyes narrowed, but she said nothing. She seemed to be studying me. I felt like I was in some kind of an experiment, and she was the scientist who was assigned to decode my emotions and thoughts just by looking at me.

I knew that she knew that I was lying.

I took a deep breath. I knew that I was only lying about half of that previous sentence – the part about Asher and I being engaged. I absolutely wasn’t lying about my being in love with him. And he professed the same to me. So, maybe she wouldn’t be able to tell that I wasn’t being entirely truthful.

She finally raised an eyebrow. “Bullshit. You’re not engaged to him. Although I do think that you’re in love with him.”

“Think what you want,” I said, internally giving her points for her perspicacity. “So, are you ever going to answer the question that I just asked you?”

She swiveled some more in her chair as she studied me. She was unnerving me, and that was probably deliberate on her part. She wanted to see me squirm, for some reason. And, if that was what she wanted, she was certainly succeeding. I felt extremely uncomfortable sitting there across from her. She was like an icier version of Charlize Theron. And I was, well, I was just CJ.

Intimidation wasn’t the word.

Finally, she started to give me at least some of the information that I was seeking. “Okay. Where do I begin. First of all, do you remember the names of Asher’s siblings?”

I nodded. “Natalia and Anton,” I said.

“Okay. Listen, aren’t you some kind of a photojournalist or something?”

“No. I’m a photographer. I’m not really a photojournalist.”

“But you graduated from NYU. Of course, you have a journalism background of some sort. Am I right?”

I nodded. I did take many journalism courses in getting my degree. But I wondered what that had to do with anything.

“So you don’t have any kind of an investigative mind?” She looked at me with a cocked head and an inquisitive expression.

“I do, of course. But what does any of that have to do with the names of Asher’s siblings?”

“Nothing came to you when you heard what their names were?”

“No, why?”

She shook her head and mumbled under her breath. “Let me try a different tact. Think about the three names of these siblings. Natalia, Anton and Asher. One of those names is not like the other, am I right?”

I was becoming annoyed. She was playing games instead of just coming out and saying something, and making me feel incredibly stupid in the process. “I don’t know,” I said. “They all seem like pretty names to me.”

She blinked her eyes and looked like she couldn’t quite believe that she was talking to such an imbecile as myself. “Listen,” she said. “I’m not going to come right out and tell you about Asher’s background. It’s not really for me to divulge. But I’d like for you to think about those three names, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll be put on the right track to figuring things out for yourself.”

I just about wanted to strangle her beautiful neck at that moment. I came all the way down there only to have her give me some cryptic bullshit about the names of Asher’s siblings? “How the hell am I supposed to figure things out just by knowing the first name of Asher’s siblings? That’s one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard.”

“I see,” she said. “Well, if you’re smart, you’ll read between the lines.” She continued to study me for a bit. “Why do you like him so much? I mean, besides the obvious reasons. You haven’t known him that long, so what draws him to you?”

“We have similar backgrounds, similar stories. We both suffered great tragic loss. Both of us grew up without a father. We both grew up poor, although Asher has certainly overcome that more than I did. So, I think that we understand one another.”

She chuckled. “Oh, dear. What did you just say about Asher growing up without a father? Is that what he told you?”

“Yes,” I said, sitting up straighter in my chair. I couldn’t let this woman intimidate me. I couldn’t let her win. “That’s what he told me.”

She shook her head. “Interesting that he would disown his dad like that, after all his father has done for him. Well, I guess it’s true – no good deeds go unpunished. At any rate, no, Asher did not grow up without a father. But that really is all that I can say.”

“Stop with the bullshit games and cryptic statements,” I said, feeling extremely irate. “Just come out with whatever it is that you need to say about Asher and his background and his father. Please. I need to know.”

“I can’t help you,” she said. “I can only give you a broad hint. You see, no matter what you say, I know one thing. Asher and I are going to be together in the end. Mark my words. So, I can’t divulge what I know about him, because, if I do, and it gets out, he’ll never forgive me. But if you figure it all out for yourself….well, that’s a different story.”

I stood up. That was the last straw. “Okay, fine. Think what you want, but I know the truth. You won’t be with Asher in the end, because I’m going to be. I really don’t think that you know any dirt about him. You’re just trying to mind-fuck me so that I’ll gracefully move out of the way. Well, you’re banking on the wrong strategy, sister. The dead-wrong strategy. Get your head out of your ass and realize that he wants nothing to do with you.”

She merely smiled. “Oh, CJ. You have no idea how far you’re in over your head here. No earthly idea. I almost pity you. There’s none who is so blind as those who will not see.”

My heart sunk to my shoes when she said that. Was she right? Was I willfully ignorant? Did the way that Asher made me feel in bed make me not want to see things about him?

But, then again, I was
trying
to get answers. Trying and failing, it seemed. That was why I was there, after all. So I wasn’t trying to be willfully ignorant. I was trying to get at the truth.

She shook her head. “Whatever. Listen, you’re the one with a journalism background. Perhaps not an investigative journalism background, but journalism all the same. Why don’t you put that to good use and try to come up with your own answers? Why come to me for answers?”

“Because you were the one who put that bug in my ear about him. It seems that you lack the courage of your convictions, here.”

“If you think so, then, by all means, continue your relationship with him. Of course, you’re going to lose in the end. You’re going to lose because he won’t want to be with you in the long run. He pities you. He respects me. Any man would want to be with a woman that he can respect as opposed to pity, and Asher is no exception. And, if you knew all there was to know about him, then you would stay away from him. Because a girl like you can’t handle a dark man like Asher. And by dark, I mean his psyche. Trust me, if I were you, I’d run far, far away.”

I took a deep breath, not wanting to believe anything that was coming out of this stunning woman’s mouth. Asher wasn’t with me because he pitied me.

Was he?

And, Asher dark? He had, thus far, been anything but dark. If anything, he was light, and I was the one who was dark and twisted inside. I was coming out of it, mainly because Asher was bringing me out of it. I had seen no hint of this darkness that she was talking about to me.

“If he’s so dark, then why do you want him so much?”

“Because I can handle him. I’m not in over my head with him. You are. Trust me on this.”

My thoughts were twisted around like a pretzel. Why did I come here? This woman has an agenda, and she was probably the most manipulative person I had ever met. Of course she was going to put doubt in my mind. She wanted me out of the way.

I was playing right into her hand.

I internally kicked myself for being so naïve.

“Well, I don’t believe you,” I said.

“Don’t believe me. You’ll have to see for yourself. But you will see, eventually. You’ll see him for what he really is, but only after he has you completely wrapped around his finger. That will be total devastation for you. And I’ll be right there to pick up the pieces. It will be like a nuclear bomb went off when you find out what’s really going on with him.” She shrugged. “If you want to take that chance with your heart, then go right ahead. But you won’t last with him. And, if you knew the truth, you wouldn’t want to last with him.”

“I wish that you would just stop with the bullshit and come right out with it,” I said. “That’s why I’m here, after all.”

She shook her head. “No way. As I said, my destiny is with Asher. If I told you everything I knew, then he’ll want nothing to do with me. I hope, however, that I put you on the right track to finding it all out for yourself.”

I finally just stood up. I had enough. “Okay. Well, it looks like I got nothing out of this meeting with you, except for being completely mind-fucked. You’re good, I’ll give you that. But you won’t be with him, because he belongs with me. I’m really sorry to have bothered you.”

“Alright. Well, you can just show yourself out. I have a meeting with Brittany Jacobs in five minutes,” she said, referring to the top Broadway star at that very moment. “Good luck to you.”

And, without another word, I left.