Exodus of the Xandim (GOLLANCZ S.F.) (41 page)

It felt like the longest walk she had ever taken. Before she faced Tinagen she tried to claw back some of her anger and defiance. Even in this extremity, her pride wouldn’t let her give in
without a struggle. But Chiannala just didn’t have it in her. She was too exhausted, wretched and terrified to summon her usual fighting spirit, and before she reached the Luen she was forced
to face the mortifying fact that she’d do
anything
– beg, plead, grovel, apologise, whatever it took – just to be allowed to stay.

When she was shown into his room Tinagen was standing, staring out of the window, looking distant, cold and stern. He dismissed the messenger who’d brought her without even looking round,
and when the young Healer had gone, closing the door behind him, the Luen Head remained where he was; silent, aloof and unwilling to acknowledge her with as much as a single glance.

Chiannala waited, torn between dread of what she would hear when he finally spoke, and the need to have this torture end; to hear her fate and be done with the terrible uncertainty. But Tinagen
remained distant and unspeaking, refusing to turn and acknowledge her. The minutes crawled by in an agony of suspense and Chiannala’s nerves stretched tighter and tighter. And still she
waited, trembling now, dry-mouthed and with a hammering heart, until finally she could bear it no longer.

Tears flooded her eyes as her self-control snapped at last. Her courage failed her, and the final shreds of her pride dissolved. ‘Oh sir,’ she cried, ‘I’m sorry.
I’m truly, deeply sorry. Please don’t send me away.’

Tinagen swung round to face her, his gaze flat and uncompromising. Again, he did not speak, but merely waited until the chasm of silence grew so deep that Chiannala felt compelled to rush in and
fill it. She did not realise that she was doing exactly what he’d planned she should; she had no idea that before he dealt with her he needed to know exactly how repentant she really was, and
that this was his way of accomplishing that goal. She only knew that her future at the Academy hung by the most slender of threads, and that this was her last and only chance to convince him to let
her stay.

‘It was very, very wrong of me to speak to you, and to the other Healers, as I did yesterday – especially after you had just saved my life. You had every right to be angry. I acted
foolishly, on impulse, going into Incondor’s mind like that, unprepared, untrained and—’

‘Why did you?’ Tinagen’s cold voice cut across her outpourings like a knife. ‘Such techniques are only ever attempted by our most skilled and experienced Healers. What
possessed you, a new student with no training whatsoever, to even try such a thing?’

‘I don’t know, sir.’ Chiannala hung her head. ‘It just –
felt
– right. I looked at him and there was a kind of connection . . . I can’t
explain.’ She clasped her hands, twisting her fingers nervously. ‘I acted on impulse: I knew he was slipping away and there wasn’t much time.’

‘How did you know what to do?’

‘I can’t say, sir,’ she replied miserably. With every passing moment, it seemed more likely that he would cast her out. ‘As I said, I acted on impulse. I just seemed to
know what to do, and where to go.’

Tinagen left the window and sat down at his desk. ‘Sit.’ He gestured to the chair on the opposite side. She finally dared to lift her face and saw that, for the first time during
their conversation, the hard, flat look had left his eyes. Now he seemed irritated and oddly resigned, and she wondered what it meant. Did she dare to hope? Chiannala held her breath.

The Luen Head put his elbows on the desk and steepled his fingers. ‘Brynne, one thing has been puzzling me, and also Melisanda, who conducted your initial interview and assessment for the
Academy. At that time you were filled with enthusiasm. You said you couldn’t wait to become a Healer. Yet when you eventually came here as a student, you seemed aghast at being assigned to
this Luen, and did everything in your power to resist the placement.’ His eyes drilled into her; piercing, penetrating, refusing to be denied. ‘Before we go any further I will have the
truth from you. Why the sudden turnabout? What happened to bring about such an extreme change of heart?’

Oh, curse that stupid Brynne!

It was fortunate that Melisanda had already asked this, but had been distracted before receiving an answer. That had given Chiannala time to think of a response. She looked up at him, wide-eyed,
innocent, then lowered her eyes as if ashamed. ‘I was afraid.’

‘Afraid?’ Tinagen barked, making her jump. ‘What do you mean, girl, afraid?’

Deliberately, she bit her lip. ‘Well, sir, when I was growing up I always dreamed of becoming a Healer. I’d practise by taking care of the animals on the farm. I wanted to cure
people, to help them.’ She looked up at him and forced a shimmer of tears into her eyes. ‘But when I came for that interview and actually saw the work you were doing, I suddenly
realised what a terrifying responsibility a Healer carries, and what a heavy burden it must be to hold people’s lives in your hands, day after day. And I started thinking. What if I get it
wrong; make mistakes? People would die and it would be my fault. I couldn’t get it out of my mind. The more I thought about it, the more afraid I became until I just couldn’t bear it
any more, and it seemed that the only way to escape the fear was to run away from it; to do something else, to
be
something else. I told myself there would be other ways to help people,
without putting their lives at stake.’ She blinked, let the tears roll down her cheeks and lowered her eyes again. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered.

For a long moment Tinagen paused and simply sat there, pinning her down with that penetrating stare, until she had to use every scrap of willpower she possessed to keep herself from writhing and
fidgeting beneath his gaze. Finally he spoke again. ‘And how do you feel about Healing now, after what happened yesterday?’

The tiny spark of hope that had been smouldering within her suddenly blazed up bright and strong. ‘I – I feel different. Oh, sir, I know I made a mess of things. I know I acted
stupidly and rashly, but that feeling of being able to bring someone back from the brink – it felt so wonderful, so
right
. I don’t think I’m afraid any more. I
do
want to be a Healer, sir, more than anything. Please, please let me stay. I’ll work so hard, and I promise I’ll never be rude and insubordinate again . . .’

‘Don’t make promises unless you’re sure you can keep them.’ Tinagen frowned. ‘Because frankly, Brynne, your attitude has been regrettable from the outset. What came
over you yesterday, to act so appallingly towards senior members of this Luen? And in front of a patient? I warn you, girl; such behaviour will not be tolerated here.’

‘Sir, I’m so ashamed of that outburst.’ Chiannala was beginning to be sickened by this humble, penitent role that she was playing, but she was determined to stick it out, to
see it through in the hope that he would let her stay. Everything, her whole future, depended on it; furthermore she was desperate to explore that powerful, strange connection between herself and
the mysterious Incondor.

‘That still doesn’t explain why,’ Tinagen said impatiently. ‘Is there any possible way you can justify such behaviour?’

Oh for goodness’ sake just tell me whether I’m to stay or go, and be done with it.

It was getting harder for Chiannala to curb her thoughts, but she was careful not to let even a flicker of her impatience show on her face. ‘You see, when you and the other Healers brought
me back, I was just so shaken by what had happened.’ She’d had all night to work out this part of her story. ‘I had almost died, Incondor had almost died but he’d been
saved. But you were all so angry, and I was angry with myself, and so embarrassed because I’d done such a foolish thing that it just – exploded out of me.’

She tried the lowered eyes again. ‘I’m so dreadfully ashamed. My parents brought me up better than to act that way. It’s not like me, sir, I swear.’

Again that strange expression, part irritation, part resignation, passed across Tinagen’s face. He sat back in his chair. ‘Very well, Brynne. It appears that you’re truly
penitent, and you certainly show some potential as a Healer, so this is what we’re going to do. You can stay at the Academy and remain with the Luen of Healers, but you must consider yourself
on probation. Any more irresponsible acts, any further outbursts of temper like the one we suffered yesterday, and you will be out – of both Luen and Academy – before you can blink.
From now on you will be respectful to your seniors, and that means every single Healer in this place. You will be obedient, and you will work harder than you could ever have dreamed possible. Is
this all quite clear to you?’

‘Yes, sir – oh, yes! Oh, thank you, sir.’

You old blowhard.

‘I’m so grateful for this chance. I’ll work hard and be respectful, truly I will. I promise I won’t give you any cause to regret letting me stay.’

‘See that you don’t.’ For an instant that stony look was back in his eyes, but Chiannala didn’t care. She was so glad to be free of that dreadful suspense, so relieved
that her future was secure after all, that it left her weak and shaking. But Tinagen had not yet done with dispensing good news. ‘Now, Brynne,’ he went on, ‘one of the chief
reasons I’m letting you stay is that yesterday you really did help our patient. So for the next few weeks I’m suspending your usual student schedule and placing you with
Incondor’s team of Healers – in a very junior, minor capacity, of course. He is not yet out of danger, and will need a considerable amount of complex, difficult work to piece his
damaged body back together, so you should learn a great deal in the days to come. If, after that, you still want to be a Healer, and if your superiors are pleased with you, then you may remain with
us. It will be up to you.’

‘Oh, thank—’ Chiannala began, but he silenced her with a brusque wave of his hand. ‘Frankly, it’s more than you deserve. See that you prove yourself worthy.’
He got to his feet. ‘That will be all. Report to Tameron in Incondor’s chamber. You may as well begin at once.’

Chiannala fled, her heart singing. Once she was safely out of the room she found herself alone in the empty corridor, and just for an instant, she let the gloating triumph show in her face.
Safe! Against all the odds she had had fooled that horrible old misery Tinagen, who thought he was so clever. She had another chance and she wasn’t going to waste it. Not she. She sped off
down the corridor on flying feet, heading for Incondor’s chamber.

~

V
alior’s fishing boat
Venturer
bounded through the choppy waves with her white sails straining and her bows plunging into the
blue-green water, sending up plumes of white spray on either side. Brynne stood in the bows, balancing on the slanting deck and holding tightly to the rail.

‘One hand for the ship and one for yourself; that’s what they say,’ Valior had told her, ‘but fishermen usually need both hands for the ship. In your case though, Brynne,
you’d better stick to both hands for yourself just now.’

She would soon learn, Brynne assured herself. With a little practice she’d be able to balance on the shifting deck as well as Derwyn and Seema. Then she would be a sailor too. The notion
filled her with delight. She would be able to work and help, making a real contribution to this family who had been so kind as to shelter a mysterious, destitute girl who had lost her memory.

As always, her mind shied away from the great blank obstacle in her mind, and the fear that snarled and scrabbled behind it. Increasingly, she was pushing away all thoughts of her past as she
throve and blossomed in the present.

Oh, how she loved the sea! The vast open spaces and glorious skies: sunset, sunrise and the star-scattered velvet darkness. The shadowy green depths and the lively sparkles of sunlight on the
surface. The white gulls flashing overhead, the shrill song of the wind in the rigging and the rhythmic surge of the waves, like the beating of a giant heart. The giddy, joyous swoop and lift of
the deck beneath her feet, the air moving like cool silk against her skin, and the fresh, salt tang in the air. This was where she belonged now. After only a few short days, she couldn’t
imagine living anywhere else.

Brynne glanced back at Valior, standing in his usual place at the helm, so steady, solid and kind; at dark-haired Derwyn and tall, rangy Seema, who were already teasing her as if she were their
little sister, as they trimmed the sails. The motherly, comforting Osella would be waiting when the vessel pulled alongside the little wooden dock at home; waving, smiling, looking forward to
hearing what the catch had been like, and how Brynne’s first fishing trip had gone.

Sure enough, after the
Venturer
had dropped off her catch and they had made their way back to Freedom Cove and the fishing settlement called Independence, Osella was standing on the
small wooden dock that was Valior’s home mooring, at the very edge of the village. She was waving, her dark green cloak flapping in the gusting wind that had tugged floating strands of her
hair loose from its untidy knot, but she was not smiling. As the
Venturer
swung alongside the jetty and Derwyn and Seema leapt ashore with the bow and stern warps to moor the boat, Brynne
looked at Osella’s grave expression and felt a clutch of alarm.

What had happened? Had Brynne’s real family been found? Had some mishap befallen them? The girl whose hostile face still haunted her nightmares, the one who, Brynne was sure, must have
pushed her off the cliff – had she turned up to finish what she had started? But as Valior jumped across to meet his sister, and the wind blew snatches of Osella’s words across into the
boat, Brynne blushed to realise that this problem, whatever it might be, had absolutely nothing to with her.

‘. . . a whole bunch of them . . .’