Ex-mas (19 page)

Or maybe she was simply coming down with something. That might explain her stuffy head and the way she just wanted to sink down onto Carly's

kitchen floor and cry.

"I'm a lucky girl," she said final y, because she had to say something. She put her mostly ful Corona back down behind

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her on the counter. "I'l be right back," she whispered to Carly, and eased herself through the group toward the Hol anders' guest bathroom.

She took her time, and when she opened the door again, the sound of everyone laughing and talking seemed overwhelming. So instead of heading

back into the party, Lila let herself out the side door and stood for a moment on the little back porch. The air was cold, and she could see stars overhead.

She couldn't quite see her breath when she let it out, though she tried a few times.

And then Lila had to accept the fact that everything felt wrong.
She
felt wrong. She didn't even know why. Part of her wanted to take off screaming down the Hol anders' street, just to make noise and see what might happen. Another part of her wanted to go back inside and yel at al of her friends for being so...so...for being the way they were. So concerned with the same boring stuff, party after party, day after day, even after they went off to col ege.

Her hand rose to her temple and found the place where Erik had kissed her. She didn't exactly wipe the kiss away, but she thought about it.

Aside from the kiss in her family room, she hadn't kissed him at al since she'd gotten back. And... she didn't think she was suddenly going to wake up and want to start kissing him any time soon.

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How could so much change so fast? Part of it was seeing him at Stanford--seeing what he was like when he thought she wasn't around. Lila wasn't an

idiot. Erik hadn't been acting like someone with a guilty conscience. He hadn't even been hiding in some corner with that chick--he'd been standing there for everyone to see. That didn't strike her as the kind of thing someone would do if they were real y that concerned about the girlfriend they'd left behind. It wasn't the kind of thing you did when you'd told your col ege friends you even
had
a girlfriend.

But the other part of it, Lila knew, was her. Spending al that time with Beau had reminded her of things she had tried real y, real y hard to forget. Not just Beau himself, which she didn't real y want to think about, but the way they'd talked to each other. The feeling that she could say absolutely anything to him and he'd handle it. It might hurt his feelings, or he might disagree, but she didn't have to be careful with him like that.

It wasn't like that with Erik. When Lila had first started dating him, she'd been so starry-eyed. So determined to be the perfect girlfriend, the perfect best friend. What she'd ended up being instead was quiet. Submissive. Erik knew he would be forgiven anything. What was that thing her mother always said?

That it was easier to ask for forgiveness than permission?

The stars up above her seemed farther away, and the wind picked up, rattling through the palm trees and sneaking beneath Lila's sweater to chil her

skin. She thought about the

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whole stretch of her relationship with Erik, and had the uncomfortable feeling that Beau had been absolutely right to cal her shal ow. Wasn't she? Did she like Erik, or did she like the fact that everyone else--including her parents--liked Erik? Was she upset that he had cheated on her because she had trusted him, or because she was worried that it would get out and everyone would know she'd been made to look a fool? Was Erik Hol ander anything

more than a status symbol to her?

She didn't actual y know.

But she did know that she would rather be grounded, her new car taken away, than
pretend
any longer. He could tel her parents what had real y happened this weekend. She didn't care.

Fil ed with resolve, Lila turned and walked back inside.

"Where'd you go?" Erik asked, coming right over to her. She wondered, briefly, what he got out of this whole thing. Did he just like having people remember him at North Val ey High? Was that why he bothered? Or was it just
easier
to keep a girlfriend back home than to break up with her? Why not have the comfort of Lila at home and the freedom to do whatever you pleased at col ege? If you didn't have a conscience, it would be easy.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly. She lifted up her hands, then let them drop. "But I don't think I can do this."

"What?" His voice wasn't quiet. He was probably too shocked

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to keep it down. "What do you mean? Is this because of what happened at Stanford?"

Lila stiffened as everyone in the kitchen fel quiet and turned. No one even pretended not to stare.

"No," she said, looking Erik straight in the eyes. "Maybe. I don't know."

"Lila..." Erik searched her face, and what he saw there must have surprised him, because he took a step back. "You're breaking up with me?"

Lila almost winced. She hated the way he'd said that--like it was particularly unbelievable that
she
was breaking up with
him.
She snuck a look at the assembled crowd and gulped. Yoon and Rebecca were whispering to each other, their hands over their mouths and their eyes far too bright. Carly looked

pale. Jeannine Fargo was chewing on a carrot stick, her head cocked to the side like she was watching television. Erik's friends were smirking and

muttering to one another. She had the sudden urge to run away. But she didn't.

Lila straightened her spine, and met his gaze. "Yes," she said, the word heavy on her tongue, knowing that she was probably throwing away al the hard work of the last three years of her life. Knowing that with those three letters, she was sealing her North Val ey High fate. The crowd gasped. "I am."

The next few minutes were blurry. Erik stormed out, while Lila's friends were visibly torn between going after stil popular,

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now single Erik, or getting more dirt from Lila. She felt dazed. But that passed when Carly pul ed her away from the group that had converged on Lila, into the darkened living room. Lila expected a hug and some words of comfort, which, frankly, she could use right now. Until she saw the scowl on Carly's face.

"What did you just do?" her supposed best friend asked her in an angry voice.

"I had to," Lila said, and shrugged helplessly.

Carly laughed slightly, an edge to her voice. "Are you crazy?" she demanded. "He's not going to take you back after you humiliated him in front of al of his friends, Lila. You get that, right?"

"I'm not the one who was cheating!" Lila threw at her. She hadn't wanted to out Erik, but he deserved it. And she knew Carly would be discreet.

She expected her friend to gasp, to express some kind of shock that perfect, beloved Erik could have done such a thing. But the other girl's glossy lips pressed together in a thin, hard line. She looked disgusted.

"Grow up, Lila," she said coldly. "What did you think would happen while he was away?"

Lila stared at her blond, beautiful best friend, stunned. It was like some alien had taken over Carly's body. She had no idea who Carly was right now.

Had she ever?

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"This is about that loser ex-boyfriend of yours, isn't it?" Carly asked, her voice dropping low. "Erik told me you spent the weekend with him. I thought he was kidding." Her mouth twisted. "You real y want to go back to the dark ages with that freak?"

Lila actual y felt dizzy. She reminded herself that Carly was Erik's sister. She was bound to take his side. Even if it hurt Lila almost more than seeing Erik with that other girl had.

The only question was, why was Lila stil standing there, taking it?

"See you around," she said. She had the sudden urge to laugh out loud. Because she was free, even if it hurt.

"Lila..." Carly whispered, the expression on her pretty face changing from anger to confusion.

But Lila turned on her heel and let herself out the door. She knew as it slammed shut behind her that she had just committed complete and total North

Val ey High social suicide.

Apparently, hel
had
frozen over.

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Chapter 22

***

LOS ANGELES

DECEMBER 26

2:34 A.M.

***

She shifted around in her bed and then final y gave up. She swung her feet to the ground and sat there in the dark of her bedroom for a moment. She

sighed.

Her room was done in blues and the occasional violet, like the flowers on her comforter. She sank her toes into the deep carpet and looked around.

There was the Robert Pattinson poster on the wal near her desk, because
Twilight
or no
Twilight,
the guy was hot. And when he sang, he sounded like Ray LaMontagne. In the far corner, her old guitar was propped up against the wal , col ecting dust and providing a little stand for the col ection of hats that she never wore. Her closet door was open, her clothes tumbling out and across the floor in a riot of colors, twisted

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around boots and shoes and her school bag. She rubbed her hands over her face.

Her head was spinning, making her dizzy and feel something like panicked, but she couldn't seem to pick out any particular train of thought.

Liar.

She smirked at herself in the late-night--or was it early-morning?--gloom. She didn't
want
to pick out any specific line of thought, because she was giving herself insomnia in an effort to keep from thinking about one particular thing.

Beau.

Which wasn't real y working. But the truth was, Lila had no idea what to do about it. About
him.
Even if she could get past the way he'd looked at her before leaving her with Erik, there was the smal matter of al the things he'd said to her in the car. Some of which she was not exactly thril ed to admit were probably true.

Lila sighed again and stood up, then tiptoed her way downstairs. The house was quiet al around her, with the faintest sound of her father's snores from behind her parents' door. She poured herself a glass of milk and took a big, soothing gulp.

She wandered aimlessly across the kitchen floor, her bare feet feeling the chil of the linoleum. She looked into the family room and saw that the family computer was stil on and flashing

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that sil y
Avengers
screen saver that Cooper liked. She went over to turn it off.

She moved the mouse with her hand and blinked as the screen saver gave way to Cooper's e-mail account, stil open, with his inbox up on the screen.

Of course Cooper had run off and left the computer running, despite the numerous times he'd been told not to. Lila thought, with a smile, that it was going to be pretty interesting around the Beckwith house when she was off at col ege, and the true culprit would have to be addressed, final y. She was surprised at the surge of affection she felt for al of them, then. She was beginning to suspect she would miss her whole family more than she'd ever imagined

possible.

Lila went to shut Cooper's e-mail program down. But her eye was caught by the most recent incoming email displayed in his inbox, sent from [email protected].

Lila laughed out loud. She debated for about three seconds, and then clicked the message open. If he'd real y wanted privacy, he should have closed

down his e-mail account.

Dear Cooper,

While you are always in the "Nice" column, Mrs. Claus and I wanted to send you a special thank-you this year. We're both grateful that you and
Tyler were prepared to come all the way up here to check on us. Not many people would be brave enough to take a trip like that all by themselves!

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Global warming is scary, but it doesn't affect us as much as you might think. The weather here at the North Pole is always a little bit colder than you
might see reported on the news. That's because the elves work hard to keep it that way. But we can't let CNN know about some of the elvish
technologies we use, because, well, that's our little secret. So this will have to stay between you and me, but I wanted you to know: You have nothing to
worry about.

The Mrs. tells me that the reindeer are all back and ready for the annual "End of Christmas" party that we throw to celebrate another great year of
presents delivered to nice kids like you.

Yours,

S. Claus

P.S. Thanks for the cookies and milk.

It was the sweetest e-mail Lila had ever read, and she knew exactly who had sent it to Cooper.

Beau.

And suddenly, she knew what she had to do.

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Chapter 23

***

LOS ANGELES

DECEMBER 26

3:21 A.M.

***

his window. Thank God his room was at the back of the house, unlike his mother's or brother's.

The neighborhood was quiet al around her. Al the houses were dark and locked up tight against lunatics wandering around in the night. Palm trees

moved high above her, and there wasn't even a dog barking somewhere to break the silence.

She bit her lip for a moment, hesitating. She could just sneak back to her car and drive away, and no one would ever be the wiser. After al , it was after three in the morning. The night was dark and very clear, and cold, though not as cold as it had been way up north. She didn't even shiver as she stood there outside Beau's window.

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She was about to do something she could only categorize as crazy. But it was something she knew she had to do.

Lila hoisted up the guitar she'd brought with her. She'd excavated it from under a col ection of basebal caps and ugly berets and a western cowboy hat she was sure she'd never laid eyes on before. She'd tuned it in the car, wincing at how out of practice she was, and how clumsy and
wrong
her hands felt on the guitar she'd once viewed as an extension of herself.