Everything Was Fine Until Whatever (9 page)
Read Everything Was Fine Until Whatever Online
Authors: Chelsea Martin
I’d rather have nothing than something that isn’t exactly what I want.
–personal philosophy success story.
What the Tabloids are Saying About Me
“Martin looks ugly on Myspace. Doesn’t she realize it?”
“Chealsea Martin gives a shit, we heard. She’s into herself. She uses zit cream.”
“Chelsea Martin is just like Ryan Seacrest only less beautiful, less popular, and less talented.”
“Chelsea Martin is dating Ryan Seacrest, we heard. Or wait, Amy Winehouse is dating him.”
“Amy Winehouse and Chelsea Martin are working on the next great American novel together and they both dumped Ryan Seacrest cos who the fuck is that, even?”
“Chelsea Martin just released her new book about herself. Big surprise.”
“What is Chelsea Martin doing? Dressing weird? Where is her hat? Does she usually wear a hat?”
“Ack! Chelsea Martin did alcohol over the weekend! What was she thinking?!”
“Insider reports they heard Chelsea Martin talking to her current lover on her cell phone about an episode of that Kathy Griffin reality show. Wait, what Kathy Griffin reality show?”
“[Chelsea Martin] was spotted at Church’s Chicken. Onlooker says she took over ten minutes to order one piece of breast meat to go.
The author would like to thank Kevin Sampsell, Megan Vrolijk, Brandon Gorrell, Jenn Lawrence, Julee Johnson, River Johnson, Kylie Martin-Johnson, Mike Young, William Schultz and Laurel Gunnarson.
Chelsea Martin was born in 1986 and grew up in Clearlake, California and currently lives in Oakland, California. She is a recent graduate of California College of the Arts.
To learn more about Chelsea Martin, visit her website at
www.jerkethics.com
(This book had a number of titles attached to it during its production. They were:
Your Secrets Are Funny, Some Mean Wishes, Off To Therapy, Really Though, You’re Welcome, Nice Syntax Kind Of, The Kiss-Ass Olympics, Here’s Some Awkward Tension and Transparent Compliments, Untitled Cos I’m Blackout Drunk A Little, Impulsive Kite Flying, Paranormal Shower Drain Findings, Startling Photos of Death-Comets Coming Toward Us, The Outsiders, Orange You, Seems Like No One Singing, I Practically Never Want to Harm You, Pains In The Asses, Real Flattery, Too Too Much
)Everything Was Fine Until Whatever
by Chelsea Martin
Copyright 2009 Chelsea Martin
and Future Tense Books
ISBN: 978-1-892061-59-1
Some pieces previously appeared (usually in a slightly different form) in:
See You Next Tuesday, Young Revolutionaries
, and
Zygote in my Coffee
.Cover and interior artwork by the author
Ebook design by Christian Minnick
Type set in Cochin
Future Tense Books
PO Box 42416
Portland, OR 97242
www.futuretensebooks.com
I want time to go by very slowly and for me to die quietly in my sleep in the back room at work with liquor bottles all around me, and concrete evidence that I was trying to steal the fax machine.
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PO Box 42416
Portland, OR 97242
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